The Tale of the Sanctimonious Scrivener: A Rant

There is an old joke that professors grade essays on their heft. The weightier the paper, the better the grade. Drawing from the idea that the longer the work is, the more time was put into it and the more deserving it is of a higher grade, the concept brings the flaws of human grading into focus.

Which brings us to a recent study evaluating the accuracy of computer programs created to score essays. These programs are by no means new- they have been in use for years, particularly in the world of standardized testing. With so many short essays being churned out by test takers the world over, it seemed a simpler solution to automate the grading process.

Of course, while automated grading of multiple choice tests is simple enough, cost effective, and accurate, can we really say the same for automated essay grading?

According to a study from the University of Akron and a consultancy called The Common Pool, the answer is a resounding yes. They took something like 16,000 essays (with sets that included different lengths, different rubrics, etc.) that had already been scored once by a human, then let a computer (well, several programs, actually) grade them again. The results were almost terrifyingly similar. Want proof? Here’s a chart of the scores on mean estimation… they are all so close that the lines all appear to be one goddamn line:

Of course, charting out other factors yields less impressive-looking graphs, but fuck truth when we have visual impact, right?

Regardless of potential data skew based on the most widely circulated chart from the paper, the study really did find a striking similarity between the human and computer graders. This is the first time a study like this has been done on this scale, and it does a lot to address the many flaws in computerized essay grading. Many programs favor essays with more complex lexical choices, as they are representative of an advanced vocabulary (never mind the fact that one can easily toss around a word without knowing the finer points of its meaning, i.e. thesaurus junkies). Programs also favor length, in both the entire paper and in the sentences in themselves. And, of course, they prefer proper grammar.

However, programs have been ridiculed for favoring these technical aspects at the expense of actual content. Can we honestly dole out high marks to students spouting eloquent garbage? The programs are those theoretical professors grading papers by weight, with no regard for the actual information within. A problem, to be sure.

As artificial intelligence technology advances, though, the programs have become more complicated. They are able to discern some relationships between words and phrases that help them “understand” the meaning of the essays. Last year, the University of Florida did some research on the usage of automatic grading systems using AI technology. The system in place was able to look at something like “the heart pumps blood” and find a relationship between the words “heart” and “blood,” essentially finding the meaning of the sentence by piecing together word relationships built through the rubric created by the teacher.

Interesting, to be sure, but it’s still a crude system that can, seemingly, be easily exploited by a moderately clever student. Like a child beating the square peg into the round hole until the corners break, the systems might be able to hammer out a rudimentary “understanding” of the essays, but just as that mangled square peg will never be a perfect fit for the round hole, so too will these programs never understand complex, intricate writing.

Why, then, would we let these systems do our grading for us? There are many purported advantages to removing the human component in grading. It does away with biases (personal, racial, gender-specific), which curbs grade inflation. It alleviates teacher fatigue (from which can stem errors).

There are pros and cons to both methods of grading, to be sure. And this study seems to add another entry in the pro column of computerized grading.

***

My issue with all this isn’t whether or not the Akron study is accurate. They obviously found a strong similarity between human and computer grading of these essays. To me, this is indicative of a far greater problem.

I am mere days away from completing my English degree, and there is a problem that has been gnawing away at me for the majority of my school-going years. A problem I assumed would vanish when I entered the collegiate world. But it didn’t. It continued on, this relentless march toward mediocrity.

It is a problem with the formulaic nature of writing education.

If a computer can grade an essay with nearly the same degree of accuracy as a human, this says less about our marvelous technology (sorry, but I follow AI research and know even the most cutting-edge experimental programs are nowhere near as impressive as any human mind) and more about the shabby state of our student writing. We teach our students the fucking five-paragraph essay, the rote rehashing of theses to form concluding statements. Pick a topic, back it up with two or three points, wrap it up. There is no room for creativity, for real cleverness, for anything that makes writing art and not just a series of rules to be regurgitated from the tip of a pen or onto a computer screen. As Alexander Pope wrote,

True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, as those move easiest who have learned to dance.

Our students are less concerned with writing interesting, engaging pieces exploring novel ways of thinking or delicately bending the rules- they instead hammer out blocky, mechanical essays. They present bland topics with just the right number of supporting facts to net them a decent grade. That’s it.

I have had many professors, and I have never had one that really inspired me to be a more creative, interesting writer. There was one who broke the mold slightly, but even she wasn’t really a powerful force in my academic career. I know that many others have those professors that shaped them, that really touched them, that showed them something about themselves or their course of study or the world that makes the student grateful and better for having known them. I understand that, I respect that, but I neverhad that. My thirst for knowledge, information, and creativity has always best been sated on my own, outside a traditional classroom.

And while I’m sure there are many English professors [And since when are English professors the only ones expected to foster strong writing in their students? You might have a great idea, oh mighty chemist, but if you can't write a goddamn elucidatory (...fuck you, WordPress, that's a word) paper to share that work with the rest of the scientific community and the world, then you are shit out of luck, now aren't you?] out there who really work to engage their students, given my own experiences and the fact that most students, if they had an “inspirational professor”, only had one or two… statistically, most professors just teach their students that mechanical, boring writing.

I suppose it is time for me to clarify a few points here, particularly for those of you who know me and are pointing at the screen in horror, screaming about my hypocrisy. I am aware that I am known for being an exceedingly technical proofreader. Am I not just perpetuating this system I purport to despise? Well… yes, I am. Because there is technically nothing wrong with writing this way. And, in fact, I am a firm believer in understanding and utilizing technically sound writing, particularly in formal settings. And those five-point essays I was harping on about? Well, they are actually a very useful tool to teach young writers about structure. I do not think they are so much the devil as I find them a despicable crutch we are not only allowing older, more advanced writers to use, but we are actively encouraging this kind of lazy writing. While there is less room for creative flair in formal, academic papers, there should be breathing room for a personal voice to show through the formal technical aspects. It’s a delicate balance, tying the writer’s soul into the formal rules… but it’s certainly possible. But we are not teaching (or even encouraging) this kind of skillful writing. Which, I believe, is a travesty.

More on that in a second.

Just last night, I was teasing a boy for marking a diaeresis, as it’s considered rather archaic in modern English. That being said, I was only poking fun because I am a right and proper bitch (and because the two of us seem to communicate primarily in taunts, mockery, and faux arguments). In all actuality, I found the use of the diacritic strangely charming. I have always enjoyed people who strive to plumb the true depths of the English language. Perhaps that’s an English major thing.

But these finer points of language… they are not taught anymore. Or, at least, not to any real degree. Why did diaeresis diacritics fall out of vogue, anyway? Because the variants, sans markings, became more popular. And our schools teach what is popular. Which is fine, which is useful, but which becomes more and more diluted. Our vocabulary shrinks, the finer points of our language get lost, and then where are we? The loss of the flavorful bits of language, those accent marks and mellifluous phrases and cheeky verbage, cripples us. We lose more than just words, we lose imagination and creativity. And as those slowly degrade, so too do advances tied to them. Invention, discovery. This destroys us slowly, across all aspects of human knowledge and progression.

And we just allow it. That is what I have such a problem with.

Formula is a base, just as we have basic vocabulary. But as we continue through our education, we need to be advancing. We build on the base. We learn the rules, then we learn how to break them. Instead, we stop at a simple formula. After we’ve mastered this, we are done. The end of the line for our writing education. Oh, there’s a bit picked up here and there. But there’s no longer any real push to expand your skills.

Not even for English students, sadly.

Our writing can be graded by a computer program. That’s how basic it is, how fucking systematic it is.

Congratulations to us.

***

I don’t have a quick fix solution to this perceived problem. Perhaps you don’t even agree with me that this is a problem. So be it. These were just my bitter, scattered thoughts as I read about the Akron study.

Take this with a grain of salt, like you should all my posts, dear galleons.

The Polysyllabic Problem

Galleons, it’s been a while since I graced you with one of my angry rants. This is a situation I’m about to rectify, because I have a teeth-grinding, rage-spiraling mess of a rant that’s just begging to be let loose.

We’ll begin with a brief (and recent) anecdote:

While at work last night, I was discussing something with Chris, a middle-aged WoW player who has a soft spot for me (for reasons I have yet to determine). During said discussion, I used the word “vigilant” as part of a description.

Chris proceeded to halt the entire conversation just to comment on my use of “vigilant.” He mocked me for it, while I proceeded to get flustered and defensive (my usual- the foot-stamping, blushing, high-pitched voice kind).

As I walked away, him still chuckling at me (the conversation we’d begun left to rot in the realm of “what might have been”), I felt an overwhelming wave of disgust and anger come over me. Who was he to tell me what words I could use?

If this were an isolated incident, I think I’d be more apt to shrug it off and move on. But this happens to me all the goddamn time. In the last few months alone, I have been asked to define a word I use at twice a week. Hell, I’ve even been challenged to spell the words a few times (as if that’s a fucking challenge). Inevitably, people either make fun of me for my vocabulary or they get irritatingly combative about it, acting as if I’m pretentious or haughty for absentmindedly using a word that they don’t know.

So, I’m curious, galleons. Is there some manual out there that defines the right and proper boundaries of a person’s vocabulary? Because I’d love to get my hands on this. It would save me a world of trouble if I had the SparkNotes guide to catering to wanton ignorance. Truly.

I mean, who needs an expansive vocabulary? I surely don’t need it to text my BFF if I wnt 2 go 2 da muvees Sat. So, why would this bother me? Why would I be concerned by what basically amounts to a terrifying diminishing of our society’s average vocabulary? After all, as the oh-so-wise Cecil Adams once wrote, “even if our vocabulary is dwindling, so what? English, having by some counts the largest vocabulary of any language, surely contains more words than we really need. We’d be no poorer if desuetude, for one, fell into a state of itself.”

Christ, I can’t keep up the snark. This is just flat-out sickening. If we let our language be eroded away, what are we left with? A colorless mass that’s merely functional. There’s no artistry in a language that has forgotten its roots. Because that’s what those obscure words are- they are the history of our language. They are the building blocks of today’s words. They are the bridges to our daily speak.

Even more than that, these obscure (…seriously, though, how the fuck is “vigilant” even remotely obscure?) words bring subtleties and nuances of meaning to our language. If our average, daily vocabularies are the meat and potatoes of language, these colorful words are the spices we use to season the meal. We do not have “more words than we really need.”

Don’t believe me? In George Orwell’s 1984, the totalitarian regime of Big Brother has grafted a new language from bits and pieces of our own. This new language (Newspeak), however, has a severely reduced, simplified, and restricted vocabulary and grammatical structure. By limiting the vocabulary of the people, the government curtails any “alternative thinking” (or “thoughtcrime”). If you don’t have the words, you don’t have the means to form ideas outside the norm. You lose your imagination.

So do not tell me we have “more words than we really need.” We do need those words. These words are what fuel and shape our thoughts, allowing us to create and explore and discover and learn. Without a large vocabulary, we are boxing ourselves in, limiting ourselves in the worst possible way- in our own minds.

Therefore, to all the people out there who make fun of my vocabulary, who ridicule me for knowing more than them, I can think of no better reaction than a hale and hearty fuck you. There’s nothing wrong with me knowing and using polysyllabic words. If you have such a fucking problem with this, maybe it’s time to tackle your own glaring ignorance. Get out there and fucking learn something. There are plenty of ways to expand your vocabulary, the easiest being to read. Drop your gossip mags and motherfucking Twilight and pick up a book.

And if you come across a word you don’t know… I’ll let you in on a little secret.

Come closer.

Closer.

Closer.

*whispers*

There’s this magical invention called a fucking DICTIONARY. Bust one out every now and then, you jackasses.

And get off my fucking back. *shakes head in disgust* Cocks.

[Oh, galleons, I missed this. I think we're going to be bringing the rants back.]

Reclamation of the Exclamation Mark

*scene opens on Sam reclining in an oversized red armchair in the middle of a library, wearing a brocade smoking jacket and swirling a glass of scotch with one hand*

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there, galleons. I mean, sure, technically I never see you there, as my stalking abilities are sadly lacking in the realm of teleportation… As an aside, I don’t think I’ve shared with you lot my new irrational fear- that, if teleportation ever becomes a reality, I’m going to get teleported while holding hands with someone and our hands will be permanently fused together.

I know. Silly, right? I don’t hold hands.

But now I’m just being a dork and getting entirely off topic. Also, I just shattered the super classy and cliche image I’d originally set in your mind. Balls.

Anyway, I’m here today, not just because I’m almost always here to talk about something, but because I’ve got a bug up my ass (christ, now that’s a truly terrifying/disgusting mental image) over something. And, frankly, I feel it’s worth ranting about.

Meet the exclamation mark:

!

Oh, you’ve met? Good to hear. That means you should be familiar with how to use this particular tool. I say should because it seems that 99% of the populous has forgotten the importance of the exclamation mark. They are whoring it out on all their sentences, dropping three or more at a time in a redundant display of adolescent fervor for something that makes them “LOL”. Probably a photo of a cat in a compromising position, captioned with something pop-culturally referential and riddled with misspellings.

Ah, memes.

Regardless, as a member of one of the first generations to be raised to suckle at the teat of the almighty Mother Internet, I have watched with morbid fascination as our language has been hacked, butchered, and desecrated for the world (and future generations) to see and emulate. It sends a bolt of fear through my spine- not just because of the slight Orwellian vibe to the whole thing, but because I am a logophile at heart. But it extends beyond just words and into the realm of grammar, the framework that language is built upon. A framework that is riddled with rot and rust.

In a world hell-bent on digitizing most forms of communication (a view that I’m not wholly opposed to, though nothing beats a face-to-face conversation with a friend or lover), we are having to transmute old grammatical standbys into a new system keyed toward the evolution of old forms of communication. As email replaces letters, Facebook/Twitter replaces postcards, texting replaces calls, we find ourselves adjusting to a new world, our words pouring down paths not previously planned for them.

It was only a matter of time before we needed some form of grammatical stylebook for the interwebs. Billed as the Strunk and White of internet grammar texts, David Shipley and Will Schwalbe’s Send: The Essential Guide to Email and Home seems to be the place to go to settle internet communication disputes. I imagined it as an oasis of reason, a place to send these teenage terrorists who drop exclamation points like curses on a dock.

I was sorely mistaken.

According to Shipley and Schwalbe’s little text, the exclamation point should be used with near-reckless abandon in emails (including, oh-horror-of-horrors, professional emails). “‘I’ll see you at the conference,’ is a simple statement of fact,” they write. “‘I’ll see you at the conference!’ lets your fellow conferee know that you’re excited and pleased about the event.”

I’m sorry… can we get a flag on the play here?

Thank you, Internet.

The exclamation point is not, contrary to popular belief, the be-all, end-all method of showing emphasis/pleasure/excitement/anger in writing. Even on the internet, this can be done in a wide variety of fashions, from subtleties in construction and style to the more flagrant and pointed emphasis of a simple change in the style of the typeface on a single word or phrase.

Remember Strunk and White? They’ve been telling us how to use an exclamation point for years: “Do not attempt to emphasize simple statements by using a mark of exclamation. ‘It was a wonderful show!’ should be, ‘It was a wonderful show.’ “

The exclamation point is akin to the English word love. Both are supposed to be used in only the rarest of situations. As Elmore Leonard said about the exclamation mark, “You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.” The exclamation point is a thing of power. It denotes, not just emphasis on a particular word, but on the entire emotion the statement evokes. It helps to convey the idea of shouting. It punctuates exquisite pleasure.

It does not belong at the end of, “I love broccoli!” It is not a slutty punctuation mark by nature, galleons. The exclamation mark does not wake up in the morning and hope to tap the ass of every sentence it passes. No. The exclamation mark is a discerning creature. It wants nothing more than the best. It wants true passion and fire. It wants to be part of that, to help convey it to the world.

It does not want to end up sandwiched among clones of itself at the end of some whiny girl’s Facebook post to her boyfriend:

O..M…Geee…I think I am going to post on your wall continuously until I see you!!!! I am so excited!!!! This may get old for other people to see me posting on your wall, but oh well. I know it will make you smile! :) …I SO CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!!!

Yes, that’s real. I stalked my brother’s profile to find a gem his girlfriend left him. Not that it was difficult… their only communication with one another seems to be these maudlin exclamations (I remain unconvinced that two people who speak this way to one another can share any form of real and intimate connection beyond the genitals, but hey, what the fuck do I know?).

This is a gross misuse of the power of the exclamation point. This is wrong.

There is argument, in these days of dull internet communication, that the exclamation point is needed in greater force to give the color of wonderment to our communiques. Bah, I say. That is like saying, “Well, I’ve been eating very healthy lately, but I find the taste lacking, so I’m going to eat more chocolate to make up for it.” Nonsensical, no?

I think the problem of listless messages lies less in the notion that digital communication saps our words of their vitality (please, go read a good novel and then tell me that black-and-white print lacks passion) and more in the idea that our society has become cripplingly lazy with the spread of digital communication. Sending missives used to require more effort than they do today. It used to take longer to reach the recipient. As it would be days before the message would be read, we thought harder about what we wanted to say. We selected the right words, not just the convenient ones. We ensured that we really meant what we were saying.

Love letters were written, not on a whim, but with intent and purpose. A text reading, “i luv u babe” carries significantly less emotional weight than a letter detailing the overpowering desire a person holds for another, the winding paragraphs unlocking intimate chambers of the lover’s heart. Business memos were thought out before sent. Workers ensured what they said was necessary and appropriate, as there was such a measure of finality in the delivered letter (whereas, in email, where you can send a follow-up that fixes an error… or bribe the bloke in IT to delete a poorly worded memo before the boss can read it).

We zip off a simple, one-line response to questions instead of really thinking about them and giving an intelligent response. We value speed over content, quantity over quality (I feel this has led to a disturbing trend among young people in love where, as they are constantly connected digitally, they need to know one another’s whereabouts to a greater extent than ever before, undermining the foundation of trust that is so essential to relationships).

Instead of peppering our messages with the poor, abused exclamation mark, we should be devoting a greater amount of time to selecting the proper words, to formulating the right sentences, to thinking about our messages before we send them. We should be using all the tools at our disposal to convey meaning and subtleties, not just relying on the easy crutch of the exclamation mark.

The exclamation mark is special. It denotes something of truly significant emphasis. Overusing it undermines its power. Remember, when everything is emphasized, nothing is. If we wish to regain that sense of wonderment the exclamation mark is supposed to invoke in us, we need to stop whoring it out. We cheapen ourselves and our language with our laziness and disregard for the immense possibilities our gift of language opens us up to.

***

And now, for a final aside:

While playing ME2 this past week, I noticed one of the characters begins to affectionately refer to my character as “siha” if she shows any interest in establishing a relationship with him. This word, this siha, has been driving me crazy. Googling it gave me no answers beyond what the game provides.

But I knew it sounded familiar. And I couldn’t place it. It kept popping into my head at the oddest moments, causing me no undue amount of frustration as I tried to attack the problem from all sorts of angles, using every trick in my mind to find the link between that damned word and whatever lurked in the corner of my memory.

Then, in one of those coincidences that never quite feel like coincidences (The Drain, if you will), I picked up Dune Messiah today after work. Just a few pages in, Paul refers to Chani by his name for her- sihaya.

And that’s why the term siha felt so familiar- it was remarkably similar to an endearment I’d already encountered.

Anyway, they are both very pretty terms of endearment. And I’m glad the mystery is solved.

You Bested Me Again, You Little Chocolate Bitch

Song of the moment: Satellite Guster

Explain to me exactly how I ended up agreeing to basically rewrite Stauff’s entire paper…

*shrugs* Oh well. Despite the fact that I have too much to do already, I got really excited about the thesis Ben and I formed, and I am having a good time trying to piece what Stauff has already written into our new framework.

I think this is why I’m an English major.

Anyway, I’m tired of people talking about my stupid hair. I didn’t cut it for attention. And I certainly don’t need your approval or criticism, so would you keep it to yourself? Yes, I know it’s uneven. Yes, I know it could be fixed. But there’s something in that that goes against why I cut it in the first place. I needed some way to take control of my life. To have someone else fix it would only prove I can’t control my own life. And I really can’t deal with that right now.

It is funny that I can walk past people I know on the street and they don’t recognize me now. If I haven’t interacted with them since I cut my hair, they don’t realize it’s me. It’s amazing what the loss of a few inches can do. The utter androgyny that leads to invisibility.

Anyway, I’ve gotta get back to working on this paper. Allons-y!

Bonus link of the day: That actually looks like a perfect breakfast for me… seriously, why am I not a man?

Serial Killer Jason + Batman + Jason Bateman = ?

I have come to a realization today: I have made a terrible, terrible decision in regards to what I should do with my life. I never should have switched from being an English major. I should have sucked it up, got the degree, and found a way to make it work.

Why, you might ask? Actually, I don’t give two shits if you ask or not, I’m going to tell you. You can always quit reading, you damn stalker.

I cannot read a book or watch a movie without analyzing it. And no, it’s not from a technical standpoint. Not really. This isn’t the way a director would watch a film. It’s not about the actors. It’s about the art of the film. It’s about the language of the book. It’s about symbolism and layers of meaning and deliberate choices each artist made in creating their piece.

Also, I mentally twitch at incorrectly spelled words on blackboards.

And I bitch about all the other English majors- the ones who shouldn’t be in the program, but are. When I should be in the program and am not.

As you can see, I’ve made a terrible mistake. I don’t even fucking like my current major. I want nothing to do with it.

Fuck.

This entire post spawned as a result of me watching “Shortbus” today. I loved it. John Cameron Mitchell, were I a gay man I would pleasure you in ways you’ve never even dreamed of.