Robert’s Rules of Bedroom Conduct: A Handy Reference

Galleons, there aren’t any solid rules of sexual conduct. Oh sure, there are guidelines. Mores. Traditions. But not a set of rules that set up an orderly, tidy method of doing things while engaged in coitus.

Some may argue that sex is wild and passionate and messy and complicated and that a set of rules cannot possibly hope to exist for it. Not only would it never work, but it would ruin the act by trying to impose structure upon it.

But really, the same can be said of a good debate, and Robert’s Rules don’t dilute the process- they streamline it. And wouldn’t it be so much easier if there were rules for this kind of engagement? Hell, I own an entire book dedicated to rules for seduction- why can’t there be rules for banging as well?

Well galleons, here they are.

***

This is a brief summary of Robert’s Rules of Bedroom Conduct, a way to ensure fair and orderly sexins. They provide common rules and procedures for foreplay and coitus in order to place all parties on the same footing and have them speaking the same language. The conduct of all business is controlled by the general will of all parties- the right of the majority to decide. Complementary is the right of at least a strong minority to require the majority to act according to its considered judgment after a thorough and fair working through of the issues involved.

Robert’s Rules provide for constructive and democratic sexual escapades, to help, not hinder, the business of banging. Under no circumstances should undue strictness be allowed to intimidate members or limit full participation.

Remember, the partnership rules. It has the final say on everything. So speak up- silence means consent.

To obtain control of the encounter, be the first to straddle, mount, or pin your partner against a handy wall/bed/floor/elevator door/tree/rock/counter/bookcase/exercise ball/swing/stool/pile of leaves, etc. You must be recognized by your partner as an acceptable and desired mate before continuing. The encounter cannot begin until the partner in control has asked (via body language or verbal question) permission and been granted consent for the encounter.

Before any position is initiated, both partners may suggest modifications or additions. If the dominant modifies the position, the consenting partner may withdraw their consent.

No partner can engage in oral until the other partner has agreed to reciprocation (or giving partner has agreed to a suspension of the reciprocity rule).

All exclamations, remarks, and cries of passion must be directed to the current partner. The innocuous “god” may be substituted in place of current partner’s name. Referring to current partner by a previous partner’s name is a strict violation of the code of conduct. Remarks must be bedroom-courteous in phrasing and deportment- while “dirty talk” is acceptable, disparaging comments on a partner’s physical appearance or technique (excludes polite and constructive criticism/tips for sexual development) is prohibited.

The sexual agenda is merely a recommendation. When presented to the partnership and the encounter begins, changes can occur.

The following are the rules and terms one must learn in order to effectively enact an orderly bedroom encounter:

• Point of Privilege: Pertains to noise, personal comfort, etc. – may interrupt the act only if necessary.
• Copulation Inquiry: Inquire as to the correct motion – to accomplish a desired result, or raise a point of order.
• Point of Information: Generally applies to information desired from the partner. “I should like to ask the gentleman a question.”
• Orders of the Day/Night/Evening/Morning/Lunch Hour/Vacation/Honeymoon: A call to adhere to the sexual agenda (a deviation from the agreed-upon agenda/tossing it right out the window requires Suspending the Rules).
• Point of Order: Infraction of the rules, or improper decorum in fucking. Must be raised immediately after the error is made.
• Main Motion: Brings new business (the next act/position on the agenda) before the partners.
• Divide the Question: Divides an act into two or more separate acts (must be able to satisfy on their own).
• Consider by Position: Satisfaction of encounter is held until all positions are explored and exhausted; after all positions are considered, the entire encounter is then open to oral or penetrative amendment, and previous positions may be further explored. Any cuddling/afterglow activity cannot be considered until examination/satisfaction of the body of the partner has ceased.
• Amend: Revisiting toys, acts, or positions, or substituting entire positions or acts for previous ones (requires redaction of memories of unsatisfactory positions or acts).
• Refer to Group: Used when a position or act is in question in regards to satisfaction. State the group to review the position or act; if no group exists include size and composition of group desired and method of selecting the members.
• Extend Encounter: Applies only to the current encounter; extends until a certain time or for a certain period of time.
• Limit Encounter: Stops sexual congress at a certain time, or limits an encounter to a certain period of time (i.e. quickies).
• Postpone to a Certain Time: State the time the position or act will be resumed (used primarily in regards to anal).
• Object to Consideration: Objection must be stated before cuddling or another position/act is started.
• Lay on the Table (Bed/Counter/Ottoman, etc.): Self-explanatory.
• Take from the Table (same as above): Not to be confused with “Take on the Table” (rewording of previous term). States the encounter is to be moved from the table to another location.
• Reconsider: Can be made only by one who has been made to suddenly change position or view.
• Postpone Indefinitely: Kills the session- exception: the motion to reconsider can be made at this time. Begging and sniveling violates the rules of conduct.
• Close Encounter: Ends encounter (if satisfactory). May also simply state To Adjourn.
• Appeal Decision of the Dominant: Appeals dominant’s last action/decision- must be settled before intercourse is resumed; NOT debatable if relates to decorum or violation of rules.
• Suspend the Rules: Allows a violation of the partnership’s own rules; the object of the suspension must be specified.

All positions/acts/toys must be agreed upon by all members of the encounter. All votes require unanimous consent, with the exception of motions to adjourn session (which requires only one vote in favor to go into action). After a motion is made, debate may occur until either partner calls for a vote, at which point debate ceases and a decision is made. This decision can be appealed once. After this, the decision is considered final. There is to be no further discussion of the decision. Whining is prohibited.

***

Can you imagine the reaction you’d get if you yelled out, “Point of Order!” while in bed with a guy? It would be PRICELESS.

Chapter 14: Touch

Galleons, some days I think I should come with a User’s Manual. And if such a magical tome existed, today’s post would be a very important chapter indeed (particularly because I get uncomfortable trying to explain this to people IRL, so it would be insanely useful if they could just read a quick bit and know the depths of my crazy)- the chapter detailing my deep-seated issues with physical human contact.

Yeah, make some popcorn- this is gonna be good.

***

As an infant, I wasn’t particularly fussy about being cuddled and carried about as folks are wont to do with their squishy, squally larvae. I was perfectly ordinary, falling asleep in my mother’s arms as she rocked me in the old wooden rocking chair she still sentimentally refuses to throw out. People petted, squeezed, stroked, patted, and snuggled me. And, from what I’ve been told, I reacted precisely as any normal baby does.

Around four or so, however, I apparently became increasingly fussy about who touched me, when, and why. So much so that, for basically the entirety of my fifth year of life, I flat-out refused to let anyone touch me. At all. I bathed myself, dressed myself, brushed my own hair. I hugged no one, I kissed no one. I used to play a game of duck-and-weave at family functions where my boisterous, affectionate relatives (who, despite being repeatedly told not to fucking touch me, always tried to violate my rules) would amble in for a wet peck on the cheek or an entrapment hug.

But it wasn’t just that- it was avoiding even brushing another person when walking past (which, considering my klutzy nature and crap depth perception, means keeping a rather sizable distance between myself and all other people) or when playing at recess.

I can’t tell you why this happened. I’ve thought about it and thought about it, I’ve talked about it with my parents and my old therapist… nobody can really puzzle out what prompted this desired cessation of touch. I do experience some hypersensitivity, though at this point it’s hard to tell if that’s developed from my habit of avoidance or if it was what prompted it in the first place.

Suffice to say, there’s this odd fissure in my childhood, so early that I can’t really remember much before it. Everything about me being a normal, cuddly baby has been related to me over the years, when I’ve attempted to discuss this with my parents. It’s not an easy subject for them, and my own awkwardness doesn’t help the situation, so what I’ve gathered is from a series of start-and-stop conversations, often ending with my mother snapping at me and telling me to drop it.

And I understand why she reacts that way- I hurt her (I hurt them both, to be honest, but I think my father has chosen to just let the past be- he’s easygoing like that). That complete rejection of her physical displays of love is a wound I will never be able to make up for. She will carry that strange scar with her for the rest of her life, and I will never stop feeling guilty for giving it to her.

Even though I don’t understand why I did it.

***

It might surprise you to know that my parents never had me tested for autism.

The school apparently suggested it, but my parents (both harboring a strong aversion to going to see a doctor unless it was unavoidable) refused. And, objectively speaking, there really wasn’t a strong case going for autism. Beyond my sudden, baffling exile from the world of touch, I was a perfectly well-adjusted child. I had a lot of friends, I did very well in school, I loved climbing trees and playing in the dirt and rollerskating. I read like mad and threw Legos at my brother’s face when he blamed me for things (they always believed him, because he was the baby) and picked plums that grew over our fence from the neighbor’s yard and chattered all the time, to anyone who was listening (and anyone who wasn’t, to be honest), claiming I had all these words in my mouth and they just had to come out.

I was so disgustingly normal that one aberration (however bizarre and large it might have been) wasn’t really enough for my folks to believe there was something wrong with me on a neurological level. They might not like it, but it was “a phase I was going through.”

They were both right and profoundly wrong, all at once.

***

I did eventually lift my ban on touching, but that year left its mark. I carry my own scars from it, scars I’m going to show to you now like a 12-year-old boy on the bus while on a school field trip (I always won those contests, not for my scars, but for the fact that I’m hypermobile in many joints).

In fact, the years since have been a slow, uphill struggle to try to learn what comes so naturally to most people. Hugging. A pat on the arm. A playful poke. A reassuring squeeze of the hand. Hell, holding someone’s hand. And it’s really a vicious cycle, because the less you touch others (and the more you kind of flinch away when they try to touch you), the less they eventually reach out to you. And the less receptive they are to you touching them. Which makes me want to attempt this whole touch nonsense less, which makes them touch me less… You see where I’m going with this.

So, maybe the easiest way to go about this is to outline the rules.

***

1. If we’ve just met, the most you are allowed is a handshake. I don’t see what’s so out-of-line about this one. I don’t know you. I don’t want to be groped by you. It’s simple. I don’t want you to pat me on the arm or clap a hand on my shoulder or anything like that. I just met you. All you get to touch is the palm of my hand, for the length of a simple, assertive handshake (and woe be unto you if you try to give me some of that limp-wristed, no-grip bullshit- I judge a person hard based on that initial handshake, so man up and shake it like you mean it). And then you cease contact with my person.

2. I will give obligatory hugs when it seems socially required. I will not enjoy them, and receipt of such a hug is not permission to hug me at any point in the future. When it comes to touching, there are moments when people with a certain degree of intimacy (i.e. “friends”- the quotes are needed because my definition of friends and the rest of the world’s seem to be very different) are almost contractually obliged to embrace. In celebration of a performance or achievement, for example. And so, I try to honor these contracts I unwittingly signed by associating with people and hug them when it seems appropriate. But this is not the Berlin Wall falling, folks. After this moment, you are not invited to hug me whenever the mood strikes you. We will not hug in greeting. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you just didn’t bring your body within 5 inches of mine.

3. Breaking Rules 1 or 2 will result in me noticeably flinching away from the contact, as well as garnering my immense displeasure. On a good day, I’ll let one infraction slide. On a bad day, you’re immediately on my shit list. I’m going to pop away from you as if you’ve burned me, or I will wriggle in the embrace like a small animal in a snare. There will be glaring, threats will be issued. And I’m really not kidding here, despite what you may think. I don’t fucking want you to touch me, so stop. It’s basically the ultimate violation for me, the one way a person can make me feel really uncomfortable. I will not forgive you for it for quite some time (if ever, depending on the situation).

4. If I have made an overture to touch you in a manner beyond the aforementioned obligatory hug, it means I care about you. This rule is my most important, simply because it is the point when I open myself up to touch from people in an honest way. I warn you, me touching you will probably seem awkward (it always does for me). It may even seem unintentional, like a casual brush against your arm as we’re walking somewhere. But if I’ve tried, in any way, from a hand on the arm to brushing back your hair, I’m really attempting to convey that you mean something to me. You have become a member of my innermost circle. This rule is hard in that you can’t just tell people this- you just have to hope they understand. The harder I try, the more you mean. It’s that simple. And it means I am open to reciprocation. In fact, I want it. I just don’t know how to convey that.

5. Don’t be put off if I accidentally flinch away from you if you have been cleared for contact. Just because you are an intimate friend does not mean I won’t, from time to time, balk at physical contact. It’s not because I’m mad at you. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just a knee-jerk reaction if you catch me by surprise, and I always feel bad for doing it. It’s what I’m trying to train out, so just bear with me, yeah?

6. If we’re having the sex, it’s all systems go. If you’ve managed to make it through the obstacle course of my crazy and have ended up here, first of all, kudos. Second, there are no touch barriers for you anymore. When it comes to sex, I like touching. I like touching a lot. And, as I stated, I’m a bit hypersensitive to touch. A simple hand on the arm can burn on my skin for minutes after the person has left, the sensation sticking with me and distracting me. Now imagine how intense touch can be for me when aroused, when the body already heightens its awareness and sensation. If I’m doing the sex (seriously, love that phrasing) with a boy, my hands are going to be all over him, and I want the same in return. None of that fussy, restrained nonsense. I don’t do restrained in bed, and it’s certainly not what I’m looking for in a partner.

***

I mean, it’s really not hard- it’s a progression. The better I get to know you, the more I trust you, and the more acceptable it is to touch me.

Sadly, it’s hard for people to transition as they move up in my regard, simply because they’ve learned that I don’t like to be touched, so they won’t touch me. What people fail to realize is that my stringent “no touching” policy slackens as we become closer. And this is where I get upset and frustrated, because I don’t know how to tell them. I’ve tried flat-out saying it, but that’s awkward and doesn’t often work. And, much as I try to reach out to them, it’s even more awkward and tends to seem forced and silly.

I wish people could crawl inside my skin for a few days and see what it feels like to be my particular breed of crazy. It’s this constant tug-of-war between the yearning for human touch and aversion to it. It’s maddening. It’s this puzzle I only have half the pieces for and have to do in the dark.

So, I’m sorry if I make you frustrated or confused or uncomfortable when I try to reach out to you. I’m sorry I’m awkward. I’m sorry something so normal is so goddamn hard for me.

Honestly- I’m sorry.

But if I don’t know you, seriously, don’t you fucking touch me.