Oh Etsy, You’re So Sexy

ATTENTION: Standard disclaimer blah blah NSFW blah blah don’t click the links in the presence of children blah blah MAY CONTAIN COCK. Or, at least, cock surrogates. And ponies.

Galleons, Etsy is… well, Etsy is really a mixed bag. There are some truly interesting, unique little shops present on the site, and I’ve found a handful of great items (including my favorite, ever-present-’round-my-neck locket) on their site. But for every one thing I find that I’d like to own, I find 127 other items that range in quality from utter crap to abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. And occasionally horrifying.

But I think that’s part of what keeps driving me back into the arms of Etsy (along with many of the shady back-alley areas of the web)- morbid curiosity. And it was during one of those random Etsy wanderings that I had an idea.

Etsy is wonderful. And fucking horrible. And everything is on it. So, I knew, I just KNEW, there would be sex toys. Oh yes, my galleons. It’s a sex toy post. I have plumbed the depths of Etsy for you, dear galleons, to find the best (worst) the site has to offer in this arena.

And boy, did Etsy not disappoint.

Carved Bangsticks

Far and away the most popular option in, uh, unique labial lovin’ is the oh-so-finely handcrafted dildo. And not just any ol’ dildo. No, these are special. Sculptures in silicone.

AND YOU HAVE SO MANY CHOICES!

Aliens (both of the traditional and chestbursting varieties), gargoyles, pussy cats, the rotting phalanges (the phrasing of which is reminiscent of this) of zombies, snakes, gnomes… even our old friend, the squildo!

Now, those are all fairly standard sculpted-to-please fare. Hell, we’ve featured similar in some of our sex toy posts in the past. But it just wouldn’t be Etsy if things didn’t get… stranger.

First up, for the geek crowd (what up, my peeps… goddammit Sam, phrasing), the Dark Invader dildo, which is obviously not infringing upon any copyrighted material because the name is totally different:

“Ohhhh, your helmet is SO big!”

While looking more like Rick Moranis’ Dark Helmet than the infamous Darth Vader, this little guy is obviously for the sci fi fans.

But hey, I’m just saying that it bears a passing resemblance to the famous Star Wars character. I mean, he’s not called Darth Vader. The creator isn’t calling him Darth Vader. And any parts of the description that sound like movies quotes? That’s a coincidence. Don’t jump to any conclusions, Etsy staff.

In the same vein, Batz here is obviously not a Batman ripoff. Obviously.

Our next Super Awesome Etsy Find is the Island Explorer:

Butt (hah, COMEDY) this little guy isn’t going to be exploring islands so much as… caverns. Crafted to look like a Polynesian moai, and while I don’t see the appeal of shoving a replica of my (or someone else’s) ancestors in any hole on my body, I guess that’s someone’s idea of a good time. And if so, hey, Etsy’s there for you.

Because Etsy cares about your bum’s ancestor fetish.

And finally, my favorite (and by my favorite I mean the one most like to ruin sex for me for the rest of my life), Tricky Willy:

Tricky Willy might seem innocuous enough, but he disturbs the shit out of me. Perhaps because I imagine the creator of this toy once had a major acid trip that was supposed to end in a blowjob and instead ended in him having a prolonged chat with the cock gnome bouncing in front of his face. Which was probably a hilarious scene, but I worry that, after seeing Tricky Willy, I will never be able to look at a dick again without imagining a unique little face under the corona.

Your Run-of-the-Mill Fuckwands

We may have discussed the dildos carved to look like… well, a variety of strange creatures, but there are plenty of more normal cooch pleasers available on Etsy.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of them. After all, I’ve got mad mockery skillz, yo.

First, we have the hand crafted wooden models. Smooth, nicely curved, and bearing more than a passing resemblance to a table leg:

Listen galleons, I understand that people get rather creative in the use of common household items as pleasure devices. I do. We’ve all been there. But I can honestly say that I haven’t been sitting around one day, so horny my labia feel like they are ready to Hulk-out of my panties and attack the nearest cock, and thought to myself, “Hey, I could turn all my frustration and Hulk-tendencies onto that there table leg and give myself some sweet, sweet relief from my crotchal woes.” Destroying furniture to get off?

…Okay, well, to be fair, I have done that, but it was accidental. And I got a black eye from it. And… MOVING ON.

Actually, most of the Etsy dildo selection is of the glass variety. I’m never going to be able to overcome my pretty glass objects = pipes mindset, so I always think of smoking pot when I see glass dildos. And then I get the munchies. So it goes.

But this one doesn’t make me think of pot:

THIS one makes me think of sex. Particularly, of sperm. Of procreation. Of “oh sweet jaysus, why is there a giant red sperm in that butt plug?!” It’s like minotaur sperm. Or Satan’s sperm. And it’s called the Wandering Red Shroom. Where the fuck is it wandering, Etsy? I’ve seen this goddamn horror film. Some naïve young girl gets this at a curiosity shop run by some mysterious dark haired woman, and the girl uses it, and suddenly her name is Rosemary and she’s pregnant and, PLOT TWIST, it’s Satan’s. Not me. No thank you, Etsy. That girl always ends up horribly dead or insane/brainwashed to love her little Antichrist.

Fuck that shit.

So, let’s move over to the far less terrifying silicone beasties, shall we? Oh, wait, no. Things are still terrifying over here. Because we have stuff like this little pink number:

Which might look innocuous enough by your standards, but to me, it looks like a goddamn hand plane from a woodshop:

And I’m just not that into putting woodworking tools near my intimate bits, thank you very much. Also off-putting about this product? It comes with this weird user’s diagram, which looks more at home in a textbook than in the bedroom.

I am also a fan of this particular piece, simply for its name. Two times a lady? Yeah, that puppy’s real ladylike.

And if neither of these tickle your fancy, how about you design your own? Oh yeah, don’t be put off by the fact that they kind of look like those water tube toys. It’s part of their, ah, charm.

Paddles and Crops and Whips… OH MY!

Now, when I say Etsy has ‘any paddle or crop you could possibly want’, I don’t mean ‘a wide variety of paddles and crops’, I mean ‘ANY PADDLE OR CROP YOU COULD POSSIBLY WANT’. And if you can’t find exactly what you need, I’ll bet all you’d have to do is contact one of the kindly shop owners and they’d make one to your exact specifications.

Don’t believe me? Then prepare yourselves for a parade of paddles, a cavalcade of crops, a festival of flails, a… oh, you get the idea.

There is a wide array of punishment tools on Etsy, made of anything from yarn to feathers to aluminum to boot soles. From the simple to the ornate, the silly to the elegant. And for all tastes, from the leather lovers to the steampunk crowd to the… well, to the folks looking for something a little more unique.

There are hand painted paddles for all fandoms. Hello Kitty (which makes way too many appearances in the sex toy market, let’s be fair). Portal. The Discworld series. Transformers. Mass Effect. Internet cat memes. Final Fantasy. Legos. A Nightmare on Elm Street. Pacman (those holes… god damn, that’s gotta sting). Super Mario Bros. Nightmare Before Christmas. Weird, swaddled bears. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Game of Thrones. Invader Zim.

And some fandoms are very popular, drawing in multiple shops and a variety of products. For example, the Doctor Who fans. They have TARDIS everything. TARDIS paddle. TARDIS flogger. TARDIS crop. Hell, there’s even a sonic screwdriver crop. But my absolute favorite bit of Doctor Who sex gear is this Dalek paddle:

YOU WILL SUBMIT TO DALEK RULE. WE ARE SUPERIOR. YOU WILL BEND OVER AND SUBMIT. YOU WILL OBEY OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED.

But Doctor Who sex toys? Eh, they’re really not so weird. My Little Pony, on the other hand? What the fuck, people?

Yes, there is a complete line of MLP paddles by an Etsy shop. Each lovingly crafted to look like one of the mane (MOAR COMEDY) characters on the beloved children’s show. Because bronies are fucked up.

BUT WAIT. Apparently, there are a lot of people who are fans of both Doctor Who and MLP. There is this whole fandom for Doctor Whooves, some kind of pony version of the good Doctor. I don’t… I can’t… WHAT THE FUCK?!

And so, for those Doctor Whooves fans, here’s your very own paddle of the pony Doctor’s flank. You’re welcome.

Comic book fans have a lot of options (probably thanks to all the comic films hitting theaters over the last ten years), including (but not limited to) Iron Man, Storm, Mystique, Rogue, Harley, and Superman.

For you Star Wars fans, how about a little Imperial justice? And for the rare double dom relationship, a set of floggers that allow you to battle for galactic (and bedroom) dominance every night. You’re a Sith, they’re a Jedi. WHO WILL WIN?

And Trekkies, Etsy didn’t forget about you. Don’t you want this sexy Borg-inspired number? Resistance is futile, baby.

Potter fans, you can reenact all your Snape and Hermione spank fantasies with these gems. The Hogwarts crest paddle. Or, if you’re feeling wicked, a Death Eater paddle. Or how about a crop modeled after Narcissa Malfoy’s wand?

Or you can have a real console war: Sega vs Nintendo. FIGHT!

This is listed as a ‘beautiful aluminum paddle’:

But I’ve seen it before. That is an exact replica of a Dead Island machete:

I don’t really think Dead Island is a sexy-type game, but I guess it does involve a lot of bodily fluids and half-naked people running around on a tropical island, so eh. Go for it, you crazy kids.

And here’s a whole subset of sex tools for people with no sex life: THE WOW NERDS! Pick your side and get a paddle! And because we all know the Horde is the best (for the Horde, motherfuckers), some additional Horde goodness. And finally, a little Dalaran-inspired flogging action. Oh yeah.

Then there’s this, for when you’re feeling like a modern Prometheus.

And this, for when you really need to teach someone a lesson.

And finally, for those who like their sex served up with a side of fear:

…Listen, anyone who’s read Stephen King’s It has a very real, very healthy, very logical fear/aversion to clowns. Don’t judge me.

Wearable Goodness

The sexy section of Etsy is so much more than just sex toys, galleons. It’s got sexy apparel, too! Oh yeah.

Sexy underwear with a pocket to hold the cash after the gentleman pays you? Etsy’s got you covered.

Crocheted strap-on harnesses? Etsy’s got you covered.

Fancy steampunk bondage cuffs? Etsy’s got you covered.

Rainbow dick pendants, to show your love of queers and cocks? Etsy’s got you covered.

And how about shoes with dildo heels for the foot fetishists out there? Etsy’s got you covered here, too- a whole shop of dilettos!

Furniture for Fuckin’

When outfitting a sex dungeon, it’s important to find only the best pieces. You have to look everywhere. Comb the net, search the best shops… and sometimes, go to Etsy.

That’s right. Etsy’s home to your sex dungeon needs. They should really advertise that better.

I mean, look at this fine piece of dungeon furniture, the bondage horse. Ebony stained birch, burgundy faux leather padding, heavy duty hardware, and it folds right up, so you can tuck it out of sight when the in-laws come over.

And how about a sex machine for that sexy lair you’re crafting? A dark walnut stain, 19 inch bar. “Adjustable speeds from slow to OMG!” How can you resist?

But this next piece has to be my favorite. At first glance, it’s your average St. Andrew’s Cross. But this bad boy is a motherfucking transformer!

Sexy dungeon furniture by night, totally vanilla plant pedestal by day. That is some quality sex gear, there- functional and fucktional.

Dirty Decor

It’s not just about sexy furniture, though. Everyone knows that it’s the little touches that really make a house a home. Or a house a sex pad.

Touches like a lovingly embroidered rabbit vibe sampler. Just like grandma used to make.

And what about these artful magnets? Cover your fridge in the genitalia of a young British girl, because even vaginas are classy if they have a British accent.

For the kids’ room, what about these colorful dinosaur wall pieces? What? Even the king of the lizards gets lonely sometimes.

This majestic sculpture shows off your love of both cocks and the black power movement. Or fisting. Black power or fisting.

And for a touch of undersea whimsy (guess I wasn’t the only one who made the connection), this happy little mirror.

But I think my favorite thing is this sculpture, Silver Seduction:

Like a 3D representation of the finest in bathroom stall graffiti, this piece will really bring a ‘filthy truck stop restroom’ vibe to your love shack.

Various and Sundry Other Goodies

In my Etsy wanderings, I came across many things that are, well, sex toys in the very real sense of the word. And so, I’m giving them their own category in this list, because I think some of them are hilarious and I can’t not share them.

You’re welcome.

First up, we have a game called Spin the Wank:

Spin the Wank is a variation on Spin the Bottle, only instead of spinning some bit of glassware, you twirl a little ceramic cock. How fantastic! You can only imagine how the rules of the game change when you switch out bottle for dick. Let’s just say, that’s going to be one hell of a party…

And here’s a little sperm plushie. That is, apparently, signed by the creator? Like, the creator of sperm? I really want this to just have GOD scrawled across the back.

…Yes, I read the description. I know it’s signed by that Bethann woman. My version was better.

What about this 1967 sexometer? I enjoy the fact that ‘sex starved’ is both a sexiness rating AND rates above ‘heavenly’. Sense, this product makes it.

Here’s a Christmas ornament/key chain sculpted to look like a blow up doll. I don’t have a snarky comment for this, I just think it’s funny.

For the well dickerated bathroom, how about some Mr. Penis soap? Though if you’re calling him Mr. Penis, you could at least give the guy a top hat. I mean, honestly.

Now see, these guys know how to make a cock look classy. Those are some sharp dressed dongs right there.

This is probably the best toy on the whole site, both for sheer WTF factor and for the horror factor:

As I’m sure you’ve guessed, this little guy shags his lady when wound up. Deliciously crass. But then you see their faces:

HOLY SHIT. What is… what the… *whimper*

The horror.

Moving on… to decorate your notebooks, love letters, sex toy box, etc., why not get a set of dildo stickers? Add a little naughtiness to everything.

And for when you try a position you really should have stretched before and end up a little sore the next day, here’s a lovely little hot/cold pack to ease the pain. Also, it smells like lavender, like a good cock should.

And finally, we have the prick cushion. And while I could try to come up with something clever to say about it, I think its description is just too good to attempt to top:

This Prick Cushion is one Hot Pink Rod. He rides like a roller coaster, purrs like a kitten and moves like a hot knife slicing through butter.

For scorned lovers, and women with penis envy, a present for a secret spinster sister, the perfect bachelorette gift for the crafty girl who has everything or the pin cushion you will never lose (but hide from your mother-in-law).

Need I say more?

***

I hope you’ve had fun on our tour of Etsy’s sexier side, my galleons. I really do. Because now that we’ve had fun, I’m going to scare the shit out of you by taking you to the darkest area of Etsy.

Welcome to hell, galleons:

WHAT THE FUCK?! What is this shit? Who would put this near their genitals? This is the stuff of nightmares. I will sleep poorly for weeks after seeing this. And you want people to fuck these monstrosities? WHAT?!?!?!

…

…

…

And that’s Etsy for you, galleons.

Sex and Candy: Trick-or-Treating the Adult Way

The season of scares, sweets, and skanks is upon us, dear galleons. I thought about discussing the mechanics behind “spooky” music (I do so love when science and music get together) or giving you a list of the very best horror movies (or maybe the worst… I’m a connoisseur of camp and awful), but I decided to stay true to form and do a post about sex toys.

Make some popcorn, galleons. Shit’s about to get weird.

***

Vampires

We’re going to start with the classic master of monstrous seduction- the vamp. Because of the popularity of vampire eroticism, this is probably your best bet for securing a themed sex toy. The allure of the vampire lies in mystery, in decadence, in the twining of fear and desire, sex and blood, life and death. Countless authors and filmmakers have built upon these terrifying, sexual creatures, creating the fetishized, sensual world of the vampire that is wildly popular today.

Needless to say, vampire sex toys are quite a hit. And there are options for both ladies and gents.

Aren’t we lucky?

For the blokes, we have a series of variations on the good ol’ vag-in-a-can. Sexy vamp mouths for fangtastic mock oral have been around for a while, actually. With such delightful names as Count Cockula and Succu Dry, there are a few varieties out there, but the only real difference between them seems to be the label on the can. But if a vampire’s toothy mouth on your dick isn’t quite enough, have no fear! Just this year, Fleshlight released a series of new fleshlights and dildos with monstrous designs (yes, we’ll be featuring most of them throughout this post), one of which is this naughty little number:

*insert Bat Cave joke here*

But if you would rather have a he-vamp come a knocking downstairs, you’re still covered. First, we have the dildo match to the lady vamp vag- the Drac:

I guess vampire cocks are just angry, turgid, and crimson. To be perfectly honest, they kind of look like what I imagine a Drell cock would look like, which is a bit more titillating to a nerd like me. Probably would have to smear it with LSD to get the full alien-fuck effect, but a lady’s gotta do what a lady’s gotta-

Yeah, I’m off-topic. Sorry.

Anyway, as we are all fucking aware, the kids these days tend to like their vampires softer. Gentler. More glitter-encrusted. And so, for all those frothing Twihards out there who would like nothing more than to be impaled on Edward Cullen’s pale, perfect member, there’s The Vamp:

Yes, it even fucking sparkles. Put your shimmering fuckwand in the freezer for a bit, pop it into your lady hole, and prepare for the icy vampire banging your little fan heart has been begging for.

But the vamp love isn’t just for solo flights. There are also themed toys for couples, including coffin-shaped crops and paddles, as well as vampire condoms (which honestly have a hilarious slogan):

Zombies

Oh, yes. This is happening.

One wouldn’t think that zombie fetishists are a terribly large market, what with the fact that zombies are probably the least attractive of the undead. But if you like your lust object with a brain fixation and pieces of themselves sloughing off as their body decays… there’s a toy for that.

I wish I could say that the whole Fleshlight Freaks line was the first to go zombie, but that would be a lie. Their zombie dildo

is really nothing more than a sub-par knock-off of Necronomicox’s silicone monstrosity:

I find the idea of fucking a zombie really off-putting. Not just because they are undead and want to eat my delicious gray matter, but because (what with them rotting and all) there’s a strong chance their dicks would break off and get lodged in your vag.

And honestly, how are you going to explain that at the ER?

Anyway, to complement the phallo-horrors, we also have zombie lady bits!

Fucking a zombie… that just doesn’t seem like a sound plan for the coming apocalypse. While banging one may distract it, you won’t have enough hands/orifices to take on a whole horde and make it out alive. Maybe, instead of creating sex aids that replicate zombie bits, we should be planning how we would defend ourselves if the ravening undead happened upon us with our pants down.

Which leads me to what may be the most amazing sex toy advertisement I’ve ever seen. There are four of these videos, but this one is my favorite, not just for how the toys were used, but because the chick pulls a classic Snake-in-a-box maneuver to get away:

Demons

Just get the “horny little devil” jokes out of your system now, galleons.

Demons may even be more popular than vampires in the sexual arena. Their ties to fire evoke the ideas of flaming passions, and many demons throughout history have been specifically targeted toward sex (particularly incubi and succubi). Creatures of sin, they represent all that is devious and taboo.

And so, we’ve harnessed that inherent naughtiness and channeled it into a series of devilish toys that bring out a person’s inner demon. We’ll start with this red-hot vibe:

Because who doesn’t want to feel the flames of hell on their nethers?

But maybe it’s not just a little heat that you want. Maybe you’re aiming higher. Maybe what you really want between your thighs is the Prince of Darkness himself. By the same people who brought us the Baby Jesus Buttplug… BEHOLD! DILDO SATAN!

While the above is good for some one-on-one communing with the devil, what on earth is a Satanist to do when she has a lackluster mortal boy in her bed?

Slap a Diablo Cockring on the guy, that’s what:

Yes, that’s a little forked tongue positioned perfectly to stimulate a lady’s love button. This may be the most highly detailed cockring I’ve yet seen. Satan gets all the good shit.

If that’s too weird for you, but you still want to turn your partner into a vibrating demon machine, this innocuous little headband is probably your best bet:

While this appears to be nothing more than your average headband with horns… it has a naughty little secret. One of those horns is actually a vibrator. Because everyone wants their partner coming at their genitals like a bull comes at a matador- head down, horns at the ready, rushing forward at top speed.

And for the very vanilla who want to feel sinful, nothing beats a little backdoor play. For them, there are these shiny red anal beads:

…The fact that the handle appears to be grinning wildly at me is a bit disconcerting.

Miscellaneous

Of course, there are tons of other classic Halloween creatures. And, while none of them had quite enough toys to deserve their own category, I couldn’t just leave them off the list.

First, to continue our tour through the Fleshlight Freaks collection, we have the Frankenstein’s monster model:

I guess if you’re gonna fuck a dead/undead/reanimated creature, this guy would be the one to go for. If you didn’t like a particular appendage, all you’d have to do is lop it off and attach a more pleasing one.

Build-a-Boy, if you will.

And, of course, we have our furry, full-moon crazy friends, the werewolves. There aren’t a lot of options for you if men-turned-wolf are your thing (unless you decide to crash a Furry convention, I suppose), but I did come across one molded fuckstick for werelovers:

It’s name is David, for reasons I couldn’t determine.

But if you like your lovin’ more non-corporeal, there are some spirited (get it?) options for you. Like this terrifying ghost dildo that looks like something straight out of that shitty 13 Ghosts film that was on TV all the goddamn time for a solid summer and was my younger brother’s go-to flick for those three months of hell:

Or if you’d rather have a friendly ghost tickling your twat, here’s a Casper-wannabe:

But shit, if you’re gonna shove a likeness of a dead/undead creature into your snatch, why not just skip over the lesser ghouls and go right for the big guy himself?

They don’t call it la petite mort for nothing.

And if you’re feeling particularly handy, you can make your own holiday toy out of a pumpkin!

But don’t feel like this list is all there is. There are so many other spooky, scary toys out there. Scorpions. Cthulhu. You name it, it’s probably out there (if you look hard enough).

***

We’re going to take a break here, dear galleons, to talk about something awesome/hilarious I came across in my Halloween sex toy searching this past week.

A sex toy provider called Adam & Eve apparently used to hold an annual Sex Toy Halloween Costume Contest on their website. Employees at the company dressed up sex toys in little costumes and let the public vote on their favorite. Last year, there were seven entries to choose from. All of them can be found on their website, but I feel I really need to feature my personal favorite here.

Sex Trek: The Search For Cock

Everything about this is amazing.

***

Now, while some may be into the idea of sex with Halloween creatures and ghoulies, others might just want to bring a Halloween tradition into the bedroom with them.

Trick-or-Treating.

The older you get, the less appropriate it becomes to go door-to-door, begging candy off the neighbors. But if you still want to gather some sweets while enjoying a sexy adult night of Halloween fun, there are plenty of options for you.

Now, candy necklaces were always hella fun for kids. Particularly girls. Edible accessories? BADASS. And the sex industry has taken our childish love of colorful candy on strings to create a whole slew of candy necklace inspired pieces. Panties. Nipple tassels. Whips. Cuffs. Bras. Cockrings. Garters. And, my personal favorite, posing pouches:

I mostly am just a fan of the name “posing pouch” because it’s straight-up ridiculous.

Now, it’s not like bringing Pop Rocks into the bedroom is a new idea:

But there are now Pop Rock-type candies made that are specifically marketed toward those looking to bring a little bang to their game. Whether the more sensually named Sizzling Body Candy to the straightforward BJ Blast, the party in your mouth can easily become a party on your cock.

Of course, there are all manner of edible undergarments. While most have the appearance and taste of a knock-off Fruit Roll-Up (…yes, I’ve tasted some before, though it was not in a sexual situation), there are also gummy versions out there:

I’m not really surprised, though. There’s gummy everything. Bears. Bats. Worms. Octopuses. Snakes. Spiders. Rings.

You get the idea.

Now, while these are all fine, if we remember back to our childhood, there were the houses that handed out the cheap candy (like what we’ve already featured) and those who gave the good shit.

The chocolate.

And so, here’s our version of the good shit- chocolate body paint. Sweet milk chocolate that you can paint onto your lover’s body and then lick off, making them your very own Halloween treat bag.

…If you start calling your scrotum your “treat bag,” I will hunt you down and stab you.

Finally, for those looking for the very best and fanciest candy in the neighborhood, you can’t beat the unique flavors of these edible body candies. Spicy Orange. Cocoa Mint. Vanilla Chai.

Come on, that’s a classy haul right there.

The Fallen

The devil that you know
Is better
Than the one you don’t
And so it goes ~O+S

I don’t know if you’ve come across this bit of news, galleons, but I figured I’d share:

Early yesterday morning, 11 of the 13 people in an apartment in La Verriere, France jumped out of the second-story window because (get this):

They thought they had seen the devil.

Apparently, this is what happened:

The 13 people were all asleep in the apartment. Around 3 a.m., one of the men gets up, completely starkers, and goes to feed his crying child. The other residents proceed to flip the fuck out and think he’s Satan. They stab him in the hand with a kitchen knife, then bodily throw him out the door.

So now this guy is naked, bleeding, and locked out of his apartment. As he tries to force his way back in (perhaps to reclaim the scattered remnants of his dignity), the other occupants panic and jump out the fucking window.

It was only a second-story window, though, so nobody died. A couple kids were injured and there’s a 4-month-old in serious condition in the hospital.

Which begs the question: Did the baby’s parent grab the child and leap out the window with it in their arms, or did they just lob the baby out the window in their moment of irrational panic?

***

When I first glanced at the title of the article (11 jump, panicked by ‘devil’ sighting), I was hoping it was going to detail 11 separate cases of insane suicides that happened in one night. You know, a little Bulgakovian goodness for the Halloween season.

However, I have decided the actual story was better.

People are fucking stupid.

John Allison, Your Words Tickle Me in the Vaguely British Region of My Humor Center (It Borders the Veil of Puns and is Encircled by the Sea of Silly Extended Metaphors)

Tomorrow will be chock full of my opinions and will probably contain a small tirade. But today, I’m going to continue a glorious tradition, wherein I read the archive of a webcomic and then share with you all the quotes that struck my fancy and elicited a titter (so… it’s basically filler, but it’s entertaining filler, which should count for something).

Strictly speaking, I’m bending tradition a bit here because this is not my first read-through of the Scary Go Round archive. However, I just discovered Allison has created a spin-off comic, and I felt I needed a strong refresher on all the crazy happenings of Tackleford in SGR before I dove back into the mind of webcomicland’s craziest Brit.

By the by, this comic is pretty much one of the greatest things to ever grace the face of the interwebs, so you should check it out. It’s zany, intelligent, and oh-so-British.

***

Tessa: We’ll bust this case Angela Lansbury style. Despite pursuing tough killers, she never even got her cardigan dirty.

Rachel: Do you think Angela Lansbury ever cusses?

Tessa: Jesus yeah. She gets drunk and talks about how cute her ass is.

—

Ryan: Listen, Satan- if that’s your real name- I don’t owe you no damn soul or nothing.

Satan: I brought your little princess back from the dead. That isn’t cheap! And I need souls as an inexpensive winter fuel. Do you know what it’s like, trying to keep the underworld heated? It’s hell! Ha ha! I am the dark prince of your “observational humour” also!

—

Tim: Robots are 100% reliable, Amy. They’re better than people.

Amy: Couldn’t, say, an electromagnetic field get into its brain and send it loopy?

Tim: Electromagnetism is a benign force. I am 85% sure it would make the robot’s brain extra nice.

Amy: You shame science with your lies.

—

Tim: According to this dictionary, “qakki” is not a word, and I demand my lapdance forfeit.

—

Amy: I’m dropping out of art school, daddy. I need to give more time to my poetry.

Len: Noodle, we have gone over this. When I disown you, I disown your car. I disown your credit cards. Poems are fancy-talking flim flam!

Amy: PHILISTINE!

—

Rachel: What makes Klinker’s book so rare? His dimensional theory sounds like some old soak making things up just to sound clever. Like all physics.

—

Amy: I think the best bet is for one of us to holler at the evil creature. When it is confused, the other one can hit it.

Shelley: What if you’re wrong and it’s a peaceful creature just trying to live its life right?

Amy: Then tonight’s the night you break your eyes crying.

—

Shelley: This is a good place! I saw a pub called The Lark’s Arms!

Amy: How can a lark have arms?

Shelley: The countryside is the cradle of evolution, Ames! You may see an educated pig taking tea with the vicar! That is nature being awesome.

—

Mayor: Shelley, what can you tell us about Robotania? Who is it, where, and why?

Shelley: When the Soviet Union dissolved, the robots built during their Cold War campaign were given their own small country in the Khrebet Cherskogo. Think of it as a robot mountain kingdom of doom, if that helps.

Mayor: And this is where those robots live in peace and happiness?

Shelley: If by that you mean “brutal hardline mechanical Communism,” then yes!

—

Old Woman: The g-string is a slingshot to Gomorrah.

—

Tim: I worked out a method by which we could work out whether the human race is essentially good or bad. An anonymous global vote on whether music or pornography should cease to exist.

—

William: Rachel, you nearly got that Shelley girl killed.

Rachel: I know, I know. MUST TRY HARDER.

William: What’s your problem with her?

Rachel: She annoys me on an existential level, and I have very poor impulse control.

—

Shelley: Ames, if you had Bette Davis’ eyes, would you use them for good or evil?

Amy: I’d keep them in a jar and use them to freak people out. Then when I got bored, I’d sell them on Ebay.

—

Shelley: Stinging me to death is a bad idea! I’ll turn into a zombie and… um… develop a sinister twist on my childhood love of jelly.

Jellyfish: My naturally quivering state makes any display of fear deliciously arbitrary.

—

Fallon: If I had my own ice cream van, the chimes would play “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

—

Shelley: Ames, there are legions of the risen undead on our heels. These aren’t frat boys, they’re zombies. Animated corpses that would rather suck out your cerebellum than peek at your knickers.

Amy: Oh, fine. Last week it’s “I wish I could find a boy who was interested in my brain and not my body” and now you’re all “Aaaugh zombies!” Seriously, Shel. Make up your damn mind.

—

Ryan: I’m growin’ a handsome beard. It’s sparse now but you’ll love it when it’s glossy. You won’t be able to keep your hands off me!

Fallon: I might impress you with my restraint.

—

Shelley: No, lightbulb, no! I’m gettin’ jiggy with my muse here! We can’t finish up sweaty and spent without your participation!

—

The Boy: “Bob Crowley was known by many names. Delicious Beast, Black Bob, Saucy Bob, Doktor Proktor…”

Esther: But never “Pappy Sunshine.” What an injustice.

—

Amy: I’ve never been this rich. Or this smug. I’m going to buy a box of dreams and piss them all away.

Ryan: Why?

Amy: Just because I can.

—

Amy: Did you ever stop to think that baby Jesus was an alien? Perhaps Mary found him and stuck him up her robe for 6 months. He lived up there eating jam, then, bam! Virgin birth!

Shelley: That is the most appallingly blasphemous thing I have ever heard.

—

Esther: Where do you learn to sing white noise?

Shelley: Tuvan throat singers can sing two notes at once. But that’s necessary to soothe the winsome yak.

—

Ryan: The moon’s been in the Earth’s orbit for a long time and it ain’t done nothin’. Give that ol’ circle the benefit of the doubt.

Shelley: I’d like to believe its intentions are pure. But only scientists can prove that the moon isn’t Earth’s stalker.

—

Riley: Sorry about totally emasculating you back there, Tim.

Tim: Don’t worry, you can’t emasculate someone who’s 100% pure man. If you did, I’d cease to exist.

—

Shelley: I’d use my giant bazongas for good works and charity.

Amy: I don’t think you can be trusted with bazongas, Shelley.

Shelley: But…

Amy: NO BAZONGAS FOR YOU.

—

Shelley: Hard as you may find it to believe, I was once like you! I would drink four bottles of vodka a day and still feel thirsty! Eventually I lost my job as a top model and dropped my baby down a manhole!

—

Amy: Man, I’m so baked right now.

Shelley: Amy, you will go to hell for baking Cedric the Emo Potato. His ghost is very angry at you… but too sad to do anything about it.

—

Tim: There’s always a remote chance of anything happening. During the act of love a jealous goose could fly in the window and savage me.

Riley: Why… would that happen?

Tim: I’ve seen the way they look at you. It infuriates me.

—

Ryan: The mellow men of science don’t want to see a sister in diamonds and furs! They want a dame in an anorak who’s been to the Worlds of Warcraft!

Shelley: I don’t know what that is!

—

Shelley: The British Space Agency! It’s like NASA! But with many billions less dollars. These brave boys fire expensive machinery onto distant worlds, where it breaks immediately!

—

Amy: Before we start, you have to declare any unrequited loves and back-up girls.

Ryan: Aw c’mon, that’s the secret treasure chest of a man’s heart! The basic oil and grease of single livin’!

—

Amy: What are you doing?

Ryan: Adjustin’ my unified theory of what ladies are all about. I’m now thinkin’ a lady’s attraction to a man is based on elevation above sea level… or proximity to strong magnets.

—

Amy: He smells so bad that it’s registering as white noise and fractals.

—

Priest #1: He took that better than I expected.

Priest #2: That is why you have won national prizes for your pessimism.

—

Amy: “Chewbacca walked into the spaceport and didn’t know where to look. Battlestar Galactica was doing it with the Millennium Falcon.”

Ryan: Ame, the genre of fan fiction just collapsed like a dead star.

—

Ryan: If I’d known savin’ that gal’s life would make her love me, I’d have done it in disguise.

Amy: Tell her she’s not your chosen baby bucket! Now!

—

Ryan: Ames, are you jealous of her Latina looks and homespun charm?

Amy: I’m secure! Very secure! I am a serene lake of sexy, jetskiing allowed at pre-arranged times. She’s a run-away tanker of sex heading for your house, Ryan. Your house will be crushed.

Ryan: I think I understand-

Amy: You’re going to lose a leg!

—

Smuggler: They’re aboard, uh… Count Blackula.

Blackbeard’s Ghost: I tire of “Count Blackula!” Refer to me as Your Beardness!

—

Esther: Genius. One page is in another dimension. We’ll print it in the Large Hard-on Collider.

Sarah: Ha, science! She knows science!

Esther: It’s The Boy! He puts these things in my brain. Science facts. He lurves the Hard-on Collider.

Sarah: Hur hur, I bet he does.

—

Esther: Look, she’s sad, she needs affection.

Sarah: I need my bell rung.

Esther: Her days are divided between embroidery and prayer.

Sarah: I need someone to go up the mountain and catch a goat.

Esther: Her euphemisms are becoming dangerously ornate. I’m going to get us all a cup of tea. Eustace, do the right thing and service my friend.

—

Amy: Oh the tweed and the elbow pads… and the brogues… I find this gathering very erotic.

Shelley: Amy concentrate! Oxford is not a place for your unbridled lust!

A Blatant Act of Repression… or Distraction. With Some Poorly-Withheld Glee Seeping Through. Also, There is Talk of Video Games.

Galleons, tonight I’m holding in a powerful bit of gushing about the first part of the Doctor Who season finale. This repression is due to the fact that it is the first half of a two-parter, with the latter bit airing next Saturday, and to talk about this half now would mean I’d have to dedicate another post to part the second next week.

And that just doesn’t seem like an economical use of my bloggin’ skillz.

Instead, to highlight my thrifty wordin’ (the thrift is in the combining of various, related items I want to discuss, not the actual word count, which will probably be, as per usual, about 200 words too many and involve a fair amount of cussing), we’re gonna have a smörgåsbord of video game chatter.

Which is pretty convenient, what with E3 recently going down and all… I’d say I planned this, but I totally didn’t. “Never ignore coincidence… unless you’re busy, in which case, always ignore coincidence.”

*meep* I couldn’t help myself. Sorry. No more Doctor Who.

***

So, a psychologist named Jayne Gackenbach recently did a study that showed a correlation between video gaming and lucid dreaming.

Lucid dreaming, for those who don’t know, is where the sleeper is aware that they are dreaming. Simple enough. Apparently, those who are aware they are dreaming can also influence their dream environments and the experiences within (which I am calling bullshit on, because I lucid dream like mad, but I still can’t make people not shoot me or make Al Pacino just make out with me and not kill all my friends or grant myself the ability to fly… though I can always breathe underwater, which was super useful when I was being chased by a panther, because I just dived in the water and settled down to the bottom and waited, because everyone knows panthers aren’t big on diving, what with being giant kitties and all).

Anyway, what’s-her-name’s (Gackenbach’s… say her name out loud, but add some extra phlegm action, and you understand why German is hella fun to speak) study makes perfect sense. Because gamers are so comfortable controlling characters in a virtual world, the skill set easily transfers to the land of dreams. Gamers’ dreams also have certain video game-esque traits, like the inability to control anything but their own actions and switching from first- to third-person views (this happens to me all the time).

Apparently, those “video game traits” do not include having the buttons of a controller on your head, allowing you to pause, restart, and select items just by poking your head in various places… Not that that’s ever happened to me. Or anything.

So… what the hell is the point of this study? I mean, sure, it’s an interesting (if wholly unsurprising) correlation, but is there a use for this knowledge? Well, Gackenbach also found that gaming lowered the amount of threatening or aggressive dreams (poppycock, I say), but, more importantly, when a gamer has such a dream, they are not afraid. Instead, they are more likely to fight the dream threat.

Gackenbach says that this is evidence that video games could be used to help combat frequent nightmares, especially among veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. But she won’t be able to adequately continue her research until she builds a proper sleep lab…

I don’t like the idea of sleep labs, because they make me think of this.

***

Onwards to another seemingly useless study involving video games. This one hails from the University of Nevada, and it involves a project that helps blind children exercise more… through video games.

“Lack of vision forms a significant barrier to participation in physical activity and consequently children with visual impairments have much higher obesity rates and obesity-related illnesses such as diabetes,” said Eelke Folmer, the leader of their research team.

So, basically, these folks modified the Wii Sports games so they can be played without visual feedback… which seems like a waste of time to me, seeing as most Wii games are full of annoying noises that probably serve as useful auditory feedback already. But who am I to prevent blind kids from getting off their asses and swinging a controller through a television screen? I mean, hell, it’s not like they need to see the screen, anyway. They are probably the best target audience for Nintendo’s shake-and-move system…

I’m going to stop now, before Satan shows up and puts me in a handbasket and transports me to a land of fire and brimstone. Because I am certainly not dressed for travel. Or for a barbeque.

In all honesty, I think it’s a good thing they’re doing for the children. Also, I’m all about bringing gaming to more people.

***

So, speaking of those motion-sensitive controllers, E3 seemed to be all about Sony and Microsoft jumpin’ on the Nintendo bandwagon to unveil their own motion systems (and 3D, but the bizarre new trend toward 3D entertainment is a post for another day). And while I continue to fear that this is going to have a negative impact on the production of awesome games in favor of family-friendly, casual, dancing-and-flailing games, I am also aware that the games created for the Playstation/Xbox are infinitely better than those produced for Nintendo systems, so Sony and Microsoft stand a much greater chance of really exploring the potential of the motion controllers for serious gamers.

Like bashing zombies. And shooting hookers. And stabbing Nazis.

***

I said that all games created for Nintendo systems pale in comparison to games made for Playstations and Xboxes, but I was lying. Because there’s one game series that is on par with the big boys of serious gaming.

We all know I’m talking about The Legend of Zelda series (both due to its inherent awesomeness and my own fan-girl devotion to it), so don’t even pretend you are surprised.

Well, there’s a new console Zelda title coming out. Which, naturally, has me interested. It’s called Skyward Sword (I’m really not impressed by that title, guys). And it looks…

Okay, I’m going to be honest- I’m of a mixed opinion here. And really, I’m mostly on the gibbering, frothing, I-must-own-this-beautiful-piece-of-sexy-game-pie-now side of things. This title looks packed with tons of new features. New weapons, new ways to use old weapons, new types of puzzles and challenges. And, frankly, it looks like the first time Nintendo has really gone all-out to explore what their own motion-sensitive system can do on a real game (Twilight Princess was released simultaneously on both GameCube and Wii, so it didn’t really take advantage of the perks that could come from the Wii, it just kind of added some motion to the GameCube version and tried to ease folks into the new style of gameplay).

Which is all awesome.

But…

The graphics. POR QUE?!?!?!

Okay, I’m going to be honest with you lot- I actually really enjoyed the toonish, cel shaded goodness of Wind Waker. It was remarkably detailed and a very lovely world, and no matter what anyone says, it was a graphical step-up from Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask.

BUT, something has happened in the world of Hyrule since Wind Waker and its controversial cel shading- Twilight Princess came out. And that game is a piece of fucking beauty. It went back to the more realistic rendering of OoT and MM, but it did so beautifully. Though I think most of us can agree that they could have dialed down the light bloom just a wee bit…

Anyway, what is really impressive about how lovely TP ended up looking was the fact that it was really created for the GameCube, which was a system far inferior to the next gen systems already on the market (remember that the Wii and 360 had already been released at the time TP hit shelves, and the PS3 came out about a week later). Taking the brilliance of TP and expanding it to the next game in the line-up seems to make sense to me.

Instead, we have this weird fucking hybrid of WW and TP graphics. The creature designs and effects shots look to have been lifted from WW, and the cel shading has returned, but Link’s character design and the landscape feel like they’ve been pulled from TP.

Instead of getting something spectacular, I feel like we’re getting something less visually stellar than either title the graphics are based on. Which saddens me greatly, because while I give older games lots of graphical leeway (…I grew up on Atari games, folks, so I have a high tolerance for awful visuals), I like new games to stay on the cutting edge.

I’m worried Skyward Sword is going to fall a little flat there.

Still, gameplay looks sweet, and I cannot fucking wait for this to come out.

Also, Nintendo is re-releasing OoT for the 3DS. In high-res, with 3D support. Which seems unnecessary, but if it introduces a new group of gamers to the near perfection that is OoT, I can live with it.

Plus, I thought it amusing that Eiji Aonuma (the creator of OoT) had this to say about the remake, “You know the Water Temple? Who thought it was tough or even horrible? I’ve lived with that for the last ten odd years. But with the 3DS we have a touch screen. You had to take off and on the iron boots constantly, right? So I’d like to lay the evil shame to rest, and add a feature to make the iron boots control much easier.”

I don’t know how I feel about making the Water Temple easier. While it is a horrendous pain in the ass, it’s like a rite of passage.

Stop making our gamers soft, Nintendo. Gaming is for the mentally tough and the physically squishy.

***

I did it. I talked and talked and managed to not geek out more over Doctor Who.

Till now.

Balls.

{insert clever title here}

Song of the moment: Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod The Mountain Goats

I started writing a personal post about life here, but then I stopped caring about it. It was rambly and wasn’t saying anything of consequence, so I deleted it. Life is quiet. I am happy. Look down on me if you will, but I really am content with my life. Suck it.

I finally finished The Master and Margarita today. I feel like it’s taken me ages to get through (though it was really just a little over a month and I was really dragging it out at the end because I didn’t want it to be over). It was insanely good. I think what I really like about it was the portrayal of Satan. I’m so sick of him being made into this slick, lawyer/corporate figure. In this, he was really bizarre, frumpy, and ultimately caring. He wasn’t purely evil, but he certainly wasn’t good. He knew his place, and he carried with him the oddities one would probably pick up after being around for aeons. He wasn’t charismatic in  the ways we’d appreciate. He wasn’t particularly glib, was rarely well-dressed, didn’t really lose his temper or anything. He was almost like this wonderful background player to his retinue’s mischief. There was a fascinating depth to the character that I’ve never come across before.

The Devil is one of those characters I won’t ever attempt to write unless I can put some kind of deliciously quirky spin on him. Something wholly unexpected. You see so much of the same trash being churned out about the character that it just gets boring. I’m sick of it. Thus why Bulgakov’s Satan was such fun.

Anyway, phenomenal book (though I remain mystified as to why Brockmeier mentioned it in City of the Dead, unless he was alluding to the end of the Bulgakov text and the final fate of the master/ Margarita in an attempt to parallel it with his own post-death setting).

On the topic of books, two more things. First, my library should be arriving in the next two days. I am overjoyed about having my books with me again and not having to worry about them being stored in the far-off land of Michigan. Second, I found my original copy of Timeline today. I squee’d a little.

Bonus link of the day: Wow, haven’t done one of these in a while. Anyway, this made me chortle. That’s right. I fucking chortled.

GSG

Song of the moment: “Samura’s Optic” by Cyne

This post is hours later than usual because I was drinking and making new bearded friends (we are now on good enough terms that he will light my cig for me, huzzah), having wings for the first time in ages, and playing Zombie Fluxx. Basically, I was enjoying life here in EL.

There are apparently a lot of super bizarre and nonsensical rumors being started about my life. None of them are true. All of them, however, make me sound much more interesting than I actually am.

Watched some of “The IT Crowd” last night. I enjoyed it. It was like a zany British version of “The Big Bang Theory.” Can’t go wrong with some quality geek humor.

Amanda and I looked at the studios yesterday, and I’m thinking we’re probably gonna end up taking the place still open at Orchard. We bonded a bit yesterday, actually. I met her mother… let me put it this way: I have met Satan. I have looked her in the eyes and been judged. I’m still shaking from the experience.

Today, I’m going to start sending out the job apps. That is, as soon as I can take a damn shower. Sean and Amanda are passed out in the room containing all my clothes and shower supplies. Not cool. I’ve gotta rework this system.

Random link of the day: This was me, passed out after flying about the country two nights ago. I was dead to the world.

People May Think It Is Noon and That I am a Sundial.

Some out-of-context gems from The Adventures of Dr. McNinja:

~I’m sorry, Mikey… but… I just can’t be with a guy who doesn’t have a sexy beard.

~We need to talk first. Pants later.

~I’d say something about my fist being too subtle for your throat, but I already used that one a few minutes ago. So I’m just going to go get drunk.

~Bad math proves a point!

~What music do I like? Pavarotti and Johnny Cash. Stuff you can dance to.

~Neuroscience has long shown that the brain is 10 parts emotion to 1 part reason. Our brain is like a grizzly bear with a midget on the back trying to control it.

~If you were on PCP, you’d probably try and eat the barstool that hit you, because you’d think it was Lucifer, and if you could eat it, you’d have all the strength he just hit you with, and then you could beat me.

~How hard is it to make coffee that doesn’t taste how Thai food smells?

~Don’t crap in my cappuccino and tell me it’s nutmeg!

~I can’t stop peeing my pants. I’m out of urine, but I’m peeing my pants with blood because of my body’s biological need to pee my pants from the terror I’m experiencing.

~My body sucked the poison out and stored it in my eyes… so I can shoot it out later like a toad.

~I will slice your butt from the very legs you stand on if you don’t move!

~We feed the cow with nothing but cream cheese, sour cream, heavy whipping cream, and rich creamery fresh butter. Then we feed its rare steaks to 14 month old babies… and a day later, drink the babies’ blood. It’s so decadent. The babies hate the steaks.

~Books are gay.

~You are not a first date I’m trying to woo into bed. That would be wholly inappropriate and gross. I will no longer kiss your ass every time you have something to say.

~I will smack you so hard your grandchildren will be mentally disabled!

~We do what we must.

Will that phrase (and variations upon it) haunt me for the rest of my days?

And Hopefully, I’ll End the Night With Something In My Mouth

Another entertaining AIM convo with Ben:

11:30:21 PM Ben: i imagine that morning would be akin to waking up after a long night of doing crystal meth
11:30:38 PM Sam: yeah?
11:31:10 PM Ben: intense nausea, really lightheaded, unstable, and narcoleptic
11:31:18 PM Ben: except without my ravishing good looks
11:31:27 PM Sam: well, naturally
11:31:33 PM Sam: meth fucks your shit up
11:31:37 PM Ben: yeah it does
11:31:40 PM Ben: talk about intense
11:31:41 PM Ben: hot shit
11:31:44 PM Sam: i know
11:31:48 PM Sam: wyoming’s a hotbed of meth labs
11:31:58 PM Ben: well, plenty of open space
11:32:03 PM Sam: i’ve seen photos of meth users that even made me feel ill
11:32:09 PM Sam: haha yes
11:32:16 PM Sam: “just set up over there, steve, by that cow”
11:32:27 PM Ben: hey, whatever works
11:32:39 PM Sam: cows on meth!
11:32:49 PM Ben: god that would be hilarious
11:32:56 PM Sam: yeah
11:33:01 PM Sam: …till they ended up in the road
11:33:04 PM Sam: like they ALWAYS do
11:33:18 PM Sam: a whole herd of fucked up cattle
11:33:22 PM Sam: wandering around your car
11:33:46 PM Sam: all bony and terrifying
11:33:51 PM Sam: like satan’s cattle
11:34:19 PM Ben: heh
11:34:29 PM Ben: that could be a deterrent like none other
11:34:36 PM Ben: i gotta work that into the jew movie
11:34:39 PM Sam: for hell or meth use?
11:34:44 PM Sam: cuz it might work for both
11:34:59 PM Sam: “stop your sinning unless ye want to become satan’s cowherd”
11:35:12 PM Sam: *frame of horrific cattle)
11:35:13 PM Sam: *
11:35:39 PM Sam: though i’d imagine they’d be taken care of by the four horsemen, naturally
11:35:53 PM Ben: well, they have nothing better to do i’d imagin
11:35:55 PM Ben: e
11:36:00 PM Sam: and cerberus would be the death cowboys’ faithful dog
11:36:19 PM Ben: well, you gotta have a shepherd dog
11:36:26 PM Sam: of course!
11:36:51 PM Sam: and three mouths full of pointy ass teeth would be enough of a deterrent to keep raging death cows in line
11:39:07 PM Ben: hell yes