Ginger Apocalypse 2014: The Refrostening

Another year has come and gone, and the time of the ginger zombies is upon us once more. When last we checked in with Sarah, our lumberjill (jessica? jane?) turned loving housewife, she had been avenging the death of her beloved Jimmy, taken from her less than a year after meeting him. Their marriage had been short but sweet, and Sarah grieved deeply for the death of her man.

But after escaping the forest clearing in the truck of a wandering lumberjack, Sarah found herself remembering her younger days. The days before tiny sugary zombies swarmed across the candy globe. When she had lived up north and worn a lot of plaid and chopped down trees for fun. Despite herself, Sarah once again felt a stirring of emotions for her companion.

Jon the Lumberjack may have liked Sarah well enough, but in true outdoorsman fashion, his first instinct was survival. For some time, Jon and Sarah traveled around the world, trying to carve out a safe haven for themselves. However, it soon became evident that the world was overrun with ginger zombies. Sweet cookie humanity had no hope of beating back the zombie scourge.

So one day, while the two were wandering down a Romanian road, decapitating zombies and talking, Sarah made a radical suggestion. What if, instead of fighting zombies… they learned to live WITH them? Jon mulled this over, but when they stumbled upon the old gypsy wagon, it seemed almost natural to just embrace it. After all, they were pretty nomadic as it was.

And so, Jon and Sarah became gypsies, and they ran a small carnival to entertain the zombies. It turns out Sarah was right- it was much easier to live with the undead than to fight them:

Undead fun fair, now open for business.

Undead fun fair, now open for business.

Jon has grown his beard out and dyed his hair to better fit the role. Little ginger zombies come from all over to visit the traveling fair:

This zombie seems confused- is this ring toss or intestine toss?

This zombie seems confused- is this ring toss or intestine toss?

But it’s not all fun and games out here- one of the little zombies has snuck into one of the booths. Jon better be careful, or his gypsy charade will meet a tragic end:

Imma gonna nom you.

Imma gonna nom you.

Sarah has also embraced the gypsy theme, working from their cart as a fortune teller:

"I see... death in your future. Not really much of a surprise there. The cards always say the same thing, really."

“I see… death in your future. Not really much of a surprise there. The cards always say the same thing, really.”

The last customer got a little… HANDSY. And MOUTHSY. And BITESY with our heroine. And so, she impaled the creature with a spare tent pole:

Ain't no zombie getting the (gum)drop on our girl.

Ain’t no zombie getting the (gum)drop on our girl.

Yes, the show is thriving, and some zombies just can’t wait to take their turn at the games:

"Must... win... skeleton... goldfish"

“Must… win… skeleton… goldfish”

Of course, there are some… unsavory aspects to running a zombie carnival. But Jon and Sarah have learned that the best way to keep the zombies from attacking them is to provide them with piles of fresh offal and meat:

You gotta do what you gotta do.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

But at the end of the night, Jon and Sarah will curl up by their fire, happy, safe (mostly), and together:

So toasty.

So toasty.

What more could you ask for during the holidays?

BONUS: Kitty with frosting on his nose:

IMG_1011

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Nineteenth)

Another two-parter (because I keep forgetting to post them here… sorry, galleons).

***

(14:24) Sam: *doo doo dee doo*

(14:24) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(14:24) Alissa: Yuuuuuus

(14:25) Sam: Zeldissa crept down the back hallway. She rounded a corner to see…

(14:25) Sam: What appeared to be the largest, most adorable kitchen she’d ever laid eyes on.

(14:25) Sam: The great dragon was wearing a frilly red apron and rumble-humming a little tune while it scooped massive sweet rolls off a baking tray with one dexterous claw.

(14:26) Sam: The room was stacked with sacks of flour and sugar. A large box in the corner could only be a magical ice box, where items like milk and eggs could be stored.

(14:28) Sam: Large quantities of sweets littered the counters around the dragon. Oversized cookies loaded with sweet berries and chunks of chocolate. Tiny cakes topped with sprinkles. Petit fours in a myriad of colors.

(14:29) Sam: The dragon’s tail swished joyfully back and forth as it shook its large, scaly bum to the music playing in its head.

(14:29) Sam: Small boxes on a table nearby were half loaded with confections. Zeldissa edged closer, trying to catch a glimpse of the labels.

(14:30) Sam: “Titanic Treats” she muttered, reading the nearest one. It appeared to be addressed to a woman in the castle town.

(14:30) Sam: ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!’ Sssssam all but shrieked. Zeldissa froze, realizing her muttering had been overheard by the great dragon.

(14:30) Sam: “I… uh…”

(14:34) Sam: ‘I TOLD YOU NEVER TO COME BACK HERE!’ The dragon’s voice had risen two octaves to a high-pitched whine.

(14:34) Sam: “I’m sorry,” Zeldissa said. She didn’t know how else to respond.

(14:49) Sam: ‘IT… IT’S OKAY’ the dragon said, with a slump of its massive shoulders.

(14:49) Sam: ‘SOMEONE WAS GOING TO FIND OUT EVENTUALLY. I JUST… WANTED TO KEEP IT A SECRET.’

(14:50) Sam: “What’s… what’s happening here?” Zeldissa asked.

(14:51) Sam: The dragon sighed. ‘I INHERITED THIS CAVE FROM MY MOTHER. SHE SPENT HER YOUTH TERRORIZING THE COUNTRYSIDE. AMASSED A HUGE HORDE. AND WANTED TO TURN IT OVER TO ME, HER ONLY CHILD. SHE WANTED ME TO BE EVEN MORE FEARED AND TERRIBLE THAN SHE WAS.’

(14:55) Sam: ‘BUT… BUT I DON’T WANT TO EAT PEOPLE AND BURN DOWN VILLAGES. I WANT TO BAKE. I LOVE BAKING.’

(14:55) Sam: The dragon sighed.

(14:55) Sam: Again.

(14:55) Sam: ‘BUT EVERYBODY WOULD LAUGH AT A DRAGON WHO BAKES COOKIES. SO I PRETEND TO BE EVIL… AND I SECRETLY RUN A BAKERY. I SEND SWEETS TO PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY. I LIKE TO MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD.’

(14:56) Sam: The dragon leaned over and blew a jet of flame at the oven.

(14:57) Sam: “Everybody loves sweets” Zeldissa said. “They would love you.”

(14:58) Sam: ‘THEY WOULD LAUGH ME OUT OF TOWN’ Sssssam said sadly. But then it brightened a bit. ‘BUT THAT’S OKAY. I CAN STILL HAVE MY SECRET BAKERY, SO LONG AS NO ONE KNOWS I’M NOT EVIL.’

(14:58) Sam: “I won’t tell” Zeldissa promised.

(14:58) Sam: ‘YOU WON’T? OH, LITTLE HUMAN GIRL, THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. THANK YOU! HERE, HAVE A COOKIE.’

(14:58) Sam: The dragon handed our heroine a cookie the size of her face.

(14:58) Sam: (eat the cookie or save it for later?)

(14:59) Alissa: oh man eat the cookie

(14:59) Sam: The dragon whipped up a cup of hot cocoa and gave it to Zeldissa, who was happily devouring the cookie.

(14:59) Sam: “This… is… soooooo good” she said through a mouthful of baked good.

(15:00) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure, but she could almost see a rosy tinge on the edges of the dragon’s scales.

(15:01) Sam: ‘THANK YOU’ it said. ‘I’M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.’

(15:01) Sam: “I wish I could have cookies like this all the time” Zeldissa said. The dragon looked at her, puzzled.

(15:01) Sam: ‘WELL, YOU CAN. YOU LIVE HERE NOW. I WOULD BE HAPPY TO BAKE FOR YOU.’

(15:01) Sam: “I… actually, I need to talk to you about something,” Zeldissa said, wiping crumbs off her adventurer’s garb.

(15:03) Sam: The dragon settled down into a half-slump that Zeldissa assumed was a comfortable sitting position for it. Ssssam began sipping a large vat of hot chocolate.

(15:03) Sam: ‘GO ON.’

(15:05) Sam: And so, Zeldissa told Sssssam about her quest and adventures. She told the dragon of how she needed the Holy Pigtail to save the land of Hyrule.

(15:05) Sam: “Please, Ssssam, if you have it, may I take it so that I can battle Cervar and save New Ophis?”

(15:06) Sam: (Yes, the narrator realizes she said Hyrule instead of New Ophis. Please forgive her)

(15:06) Sam: ‘BUT OF COURSE, LITTLE ADVENTURER!’ Ssssam said. The dragon ambled back into the treasure room and came back a moment later with a dusty wooden box.

(15:07) Sam: ‘I BELIEVE THESE ARE WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR’ it said, giving the box to Zeldissa.

(15:07) Sam: Our heroine opened it up to see the Holy Pigtail sitting inside, glowing faintly and smelling of disinfectant.

(15:07) Sam: “Thank you,” Zeldissa sighed. “I didn’t know it would be this easy to get the last piece.”

(15:08) Sam: ‘I TOLD YOU, I’M NOT EVIL,’ Sssssam said. ‘PLUS, IF NEW OPHIS WAS DESTROYED, I WOULD HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE MY COOKIES WITH!’

(15:09) Sam: After a few more cookies, another cup of hot chocolate, and much friendly chatter, Sssssam offered Zeldissa a place to sleep for the night.

(15:09) Sam: She woke well rested. Ssssam handed her her traveling bag (stuffed with sweets) and bid her farewell.

(15:10) Sam: ‘COME BACK TO VISIT SOON!’ the dragon cried. ‘YOU REALLY DID SORT THOSE SOCKS WONDERFULLY!’

(15:11) Sam: *Well, that’s it* Yuniss said as Zeldissa walked out Ssssam’s secret tunnel to the base of the mountain. *You have all three pieces of the Gently Used Headset. I guess…*

(15:11) Sam: “I guess it’s time for the boss battle” Zeldissa said with a gulp.

(15:12) Sam: *Do you think you’re ready?*

(15:12) Sam: “Oh god no”

(15:12) Sam: *Maybe a quick trip to town for supplies?*

(15:12) Sam: “That’s a great idea” Zeldissa said with an audible sigh of relief. She wasn’t COWARDLY or anything, but if she could put off facing the dread Cervar… well, she was going to. It was that simple.

(15:16) Sam: (fast travel to castle town? Y/N)

(15:16) Alissa: Yes!

(15:17) Sam: (swoosh. flarf. sprickle)

(15:17) Sam: Zeldissa stood in the middle of the castle town. People didn’t even look her way- folks fast travel here a lot.

(15:18) Sam: Of course, now that she was here, she wasn’t really sure what to do…

(15:18) Sam: Her inventory was full, after all

(15:18) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(15:19) Alissa: Hmmm, I do want to view it

(15:19) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(15:20) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure if she needed everything she’d picked up. Then again, she didn’t know what awaited her in the marshes.

(15:21) Sam: (What do you want to do? Try to trade some of these goods for other items? Just shrug and wander into the marsh? Something else?)

(15:29) Alissa: Hmmm, see what I can trade for

(15:41) Sam: (Narrator is unable to focus now. We will pick this back up later. Save game? Y/N)

(15:41) Alissa: Yes!

 

[And now, part the second]

 

(12:42) Sam: *doodle dee doo dun doo dooooooooooooo*

(12:43) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(12:43) Alissa: YES

(12:44) Sam: (When last we saw our intrepid heroine, she had just left the dragon Ssssssam’s lair with the last piece of the Gently Used Headset in hand. She had fast traveled to the castle town…)

(12:44) Sam: ((15:18) Sam: Of course, now that she was here, she wasn’t really sure what to do…

(15:18) Sam: Her inventory was full, after all

(15:18) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(15:19) Alissa: Hmmm, I do want to view it

(15:19) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(15:20) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure if she needed everything she’d picked up. Then again, she didn’t know what awaited her in the marshes.

(15:21) Sam: (What do you want to do? Try to trade some of these goods for other items? Just shrug and wander into the marsh? Something else?)

(15:29) Alissa: Hmmm, see what I can trade for

)

(12:45) Sam: Zeldissa wandered the streets of the castle town. There were so many shops. Stuff ‘n Thingz. Foodmart. Potions R Us. Ye Olde Banque. Slappy Joe’s Adventuring Supplies.

(12:45) Sam: She didn’t know where to begin.

(12:46) Sam: (What are you shopping for?)

(12:46) Alissa: either adventuring supplies or stuff n thingz lol

(12:46) Sam: Zeldissa was an adventurer at heart (and sometimes in practice). She decided to head to Slappy Joe’s.

(12:49) Sam: Standing behind the counter was someone who looked nothing like someone named “Slappy Joe.”

(12:49) Sam: In fact, the man looked… familiar.

(12:50) Sam: “Well, hi there,” he said in a hard-to-place accent. Southerly?

(12:50) Sam: “Wait a second,” Zeldissa said. “Aren’t you the shopkeeper from the Royal Emporium?”

(12:51) Sam: “Oh, I remember you,” he said excitedly. “You were the girl with the lizard from the Natgrid. Oh, you made me ever so happy with that.”

(12:51) Sam: “And you still haven’t answered my question…”

(12:52) Sam: “Oh sweetie, that was YEARS ago,” the man said. “Slappy Joe took over the Emporium. This is the same shop, don’t you recall?”

(12:52) Sam: “I… I don’t…” Zeldissa paused, confused. “What?”

(12:55) Sam: “Oh yeah, Slappy Joe took over the shop a long time ago. He let me keep my job, and then he went wandering out to fight in the Great War of the Natgrid. I haven’t seen him since.”

(13:00) Sam: “The Great War?” Zeldissa whispered. Her eyes widened. And started watering. But she wasn’t crying- she just has messed up eyes.

(13:01) Sam: *Maybe we need to find Terr* Yuniss suggested. *I think something’s gone horribly wrong*

(13:06) Sam: Zeldissa scuttled out the door and ran down the street. Now that she was paying attention, she could see that everything looked… different. Shop faces were different. Fashion had changed (what were with those weird denim leggings, anyway?).

(13:09) Sam: She ran down the street to the Break Room. They had redecorated.

(13:10) Sam: She didn’t like it.

(13:10) Sam: Terr was nowhere to be seen inside, so she asked the lady behind the bar.

(13:11) Sam: “Oh, Terr doesn’t come around here much anymore,” she said, wiping down glasses in that way that denotes a bartender pretending to do something so they aren’t just standing there, being useless. Some things never change. “But he lives just down on Marsean Way. You could probably catch him there.”

(13:27) Sam: And so, Zeldissa headed down to Marsean way and found Terr standing outside a quaint little home, smoking.

(13:28) Sam: “Oh lord,” he said. “You came back. I thought you’d been killed in the war for sure.”

(13:28) Sam: “Terr, I think there’s been a horrible mistake,” Zeldissa said. “I need to talk to you.”

(14:20) Sam: Terr looked at her strangely. Zeldissa noticed that he looked… older. And tired.

(14:20) Sam: “It’s weird,” he said finally. “I haven’t seen you in years but… you haven’t aged a day.”

(14:22) Sam: “Yeah, well, that’s kind of what I need to talk about,” Zeldissa said.

(14:22) Sam: Terr gestured for her to come inside. The inside of his home was cluttered, full of things he must have accumulated over the years.

(14:23) Sam: “Do you ever clean?” Zeldissa asked. Rudely. Nobody ever said she was the nicest heroine.

(14:58) Sam: “I need to hire someone to tidy this up,” he whined. He turned to her, a glint in his eye. “You need a job?”

(15:07) Sam: “Uh… no. I’m busy trying to save the kingdom,” Zeldissa said. “Or, at least, I think I am. What year is it?”

(15:08) Sam: Terr told her and she blanched even paler than she already was (which is pretty pale). “So… it’s been… 5 years…”

(15:08) Sam: “Five years since what?”

(15:08) Sam: “Terr, after I saw you last, I went up north to face Sssssam,” Zeldissa said. “I was only up there for a few days, max. And now you’re telling me FIVE YEARS have passed.”

(15:09) Sam: “Oh, Sssssam. That dragon makes some good cookies,” Terr said with a smile.

(15:09) Sam: “Oh, she opened a bakery?” Zeldissa asked.

(15:09) Sam: “Yeah, a few years back. Said a friend of hers gave her the courage to do it. Real nice, that dragon.”

(15:19) Sam: “Okay, so… what happened since the last time you saw me?” Zeldissa pressed. “What is this war everyone keeps mentioning? What has happened?!”

(15:21) Sam: “Oh lord,” Terr said. “Okay. After the last time I saw you, the Natgrid started growing again. The village of Ekovah decided to fight back. And they were successful for a few months, because a lot of people came to fight for them.” He gave her a look. “People who had met you. You were the girl from Ekovah who helped a lot of people, and everyone wanted to help you. Even though you were nowhere to be found.”

(15:22) Sam: “Most people said you were deep in the heart of the Natgrid, fighting with Potter himself,” he continued. “However, the Safeguards around the village finally failed, and the Natgrid took over. But then we all learned the truth.”

(15:23) Sam: “The Natgrid wasn’t the bad guy here. The Natgrid was the only thing that could stand up against the Bearers of the Source of Alty, a powerful magic that was destroying the land. The Bearers marched up out of the marshes of Pore Cignel and decimated everything in their path.”

(15:24) Sam: “Potter and his 6 knights-”

(15:24) Sam: “Six?” Zeldissa said. “Weren’t there only 3 before?”

(15:26) Sam: “I think a few folks got promoted,” Terr said. “I don’t know. All I know is there were six knights- Sir Eaton the Noisy, Sir Tagg of the Eyebrows, Sir Silva the Staid…puft, Sir Jameson the Probably-a-Robot, Sir Hillyard the Laid-back, and Sir Head… er Man the Usually Forgotten.”

(15:26) Sam: “The Head… er Man used to run my village!” Zeldissa cried.

(15:27) Sam: “Yes, well, now he’s one of Potter’s knights,” Terr said. “You know how it goes. So, the six knights, led by Potter, pushed the Bearers of the Source of Alty back into the marshes.”

(15:29) Sam: “But there were many losses. One of Potter’s knights fell long before the final battle, as did the witch of the Natgrid. Many civilians and great creatures of the forest were lost. The Natgrid and its powers have kept the Bearers at bay, but we all know it’s only a matter of time until they come back.”

(15:31) Sam: “But… but I found the Headset,” Zeldissa said. “I was going to stop this.”

(15:31) Sam: “Like I said, we all thought you had died,” Terr said. “We never saw you. I just know what happened.”

(15:32) Sam: “Wow” Zeldissa said. “So… I failed.”

(15:33) Sam: “Uh…” Terr said. “I don’t know…”

(15:33) Sam: “I have to go,” Zeldissa said suddenly, her eyes watering again (this time, it really was tears). “Thanks, Terr.”

(15:33) Sam: “Anytime,” Terr said, puzzled. “Come see me again, if you have time.”

(15:34) Sam: *Whoa* Yuniss said. *That is crazy. How have five years passed?*

(15:34) Sam: “I don’t know,” Zeldissa said. “I was kind of hoping you would.”

(15:37) Sam: *Well, I mean, there were always rumors that fast traveling could glitch and send you through time. But I kind of thought that was just a bunch of conspiracy nuts. Like the ones who believe in Old Mike, the Addy Monster of Kolecksion Lake…*

(15:37) Sam: “WHAT?! You KNEW this could happen and you never warned me?!”

(15:38) Sam: *Uh, if you were listening, I said I just said I thought it was a myth. Why would I warn you about a myth? Should I tell you to watch out for grimbles next?*

(15:38) Sam: “What’s a grimble?” Zeldissa asked.

(15:39) Sam: *You had a weird childhood* Yuniss said, exasperated. *They’re little monsters in a bunch of fairy tales. And they AREN’T REAL.*

(15:39) Sam: “Well, somehow, we traveled through time,” Zeldissa snapped. “So maybe you need to revisit your grimble theory.”

(15:40) Sam: *Jerk*

(15:40) Sam: “Anyway,” Zeldissa said, rolling her eyes. “Somehow, fast traveling MAY have sent us five freaking years into the future. Great. And now all that work was for nothing.”

(15:41) Sam: *Well, not really,* Yuniss said. *I mean, Terr said that Bearers were pushed back into the marsh…*

(15:42) Sam: “Yeah, the marsh of Pore Cignel. Where Cervar was. I don’t think that was a coincidence. THIS is what we were supposed to prevent. And we failed.”

(15:42) Sam: *Okay, well, first off, YOU failed,* Yuniss said. *I wasn’t charged with any heroic mission. This is on you.*

(15:42) Sam: “Thanks.”

(15:43) Sam: *Second, Terr just said the Bearers were pushed back. He never said they were beaten. Maybe we can still help.*

(15:43) Sam: “Oh sure, NOW it’s ‘we’,” Zeldissa grumbled. “Still, that’s not a bad idea. I guess we should go see Potter then.”

(15:43) Sam: (It is getting late. Save game? Y/N)

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Eighteenth)

Oh yes, a twofer today.

Enjoy.

***

(14:47) Sam: *doodle dee doo*

(14:47) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(14:47) Alissa: YYEEEEESSSSSSS

(14:48) Sam: (When last we left our heroine, she had just told the great dragon Sssssam a truly outrageous story and was begging the beast to let her be its servant)

(14:49) Sam: ‘HMMMMM’ Sssssam murmured, a deep rumble that shook the cavern. ‘I’M NOT SURE I REALLY NEED A SERVANT… THEN AGAIN, IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAD SOMEONE TO PROPERLY WORSHIP ME AND SHINE MY SCALES.’

(14:49) Sam: *Oh, how the mighty have fallen* Yuniss muttered.

(14:53) Sam: “Please, oh great Sssssam” Zeldissa said. “I would love nothing more than to serve you!”

(14:53) Sam: *Seriously, this is just sad*

(14:57) Sam: ‘VERY WELL, PURPLE HAIRED HUMAN’ the dragon boomed. ‘YOU SHALL BE MY SERVANT. BASK IN THE GLORY THAT IS ME.’

(15:06) Sam: And with that, the dragon tipped back its great head and blew a huge plume of flame onto the cavern ceiling. The fire heated the dark stone to a brilliant golden white. Zeldissa could see ripples in the stone as the force of the blast pushed the melted rock outward.

(15:08) Sam: Zeldissa gasped.

(15:08) Sam: “Please, my… master, the heat…. is too much” she gasped.

(15:14) Sam: For a moment, the dragon continued. Zeldissa collapsed to the ground, panting heavily, desperate for some air that wasn’t super-heated and scorching her lungs.

(15:14) Sam: Finally, the dragon ceased its display and turned to the girl.

(15:15) Sam: ‘APOLOGIES, LITTLE ONE’ it said. ‘SOMETIMES I FORGET HOW FRAGILE YOU PEOPLE ARE.’

(15:15) Sam: “It’s fine” Zeldissa wheezed. “I’m good. Yep. Just fine.”

(15:17) Sam: ‘GOOD’ the dragon rumbled. ‘NOW, THERE ARE A FEW RULES YOU WILL HAVE TO ABIDE BY IF YOU WISH TO LIVE TO SERVE ME. YOU WILL STAY ONLY IN THIS MAIN CHAMBER- YOU SHALL NOT VENTURE OUTSIDE, NOR WILL YOU GO INTO THE BACK ROOM.’

(15:17) Sam: “The back room?”

(15:19) Sam: ‘THAT CHAMBER RIGHT THERE’ the dragon boomed, pointing one long claw at a large passageway that led out the opposite side of the cave from where Zeldissa had entered. ‘THAT AREA IS MINE AND MINE ALONE. YOU WILL NOT GO THERE… UNDERSTAND?’

(15:20) Sam: “Uh, yeah, sure. Got it. Don’t go in the back room,” Zeldissa muttered. She was really concerned that she was getting in over her head in this situation.

(15:20) Sam: And that she was going to end up a heroine-kebab.

(15:22) Sam: ‘VERY WELL’ Sssssam said. ‘THEN YOU CAN BEGIN BY… UH…’

(15:22) Sam: The dragon seemed at a loss as to what to make its new servant do.

(15:22) Sam: ‘YOU CAN SORT THAT PILE OF SOCKS’

(15:23) Sam: “…Why… Um…” Zeldissa stammered. “Oh great Sssssam, why do you keep a pile of socks in your lair?”

(15:24) Sam: ‘I….’ For a moment, the dragon seemed… almost ashamed. ‘YOU DO NOT QUESTION THE WHIMS OF YOUR BETTERS, LITTLE HUMAN. NOW, SORT THOSE SOCKS. I WANT THEM FOLDED IN SMALL PILES BY COLOR AND TYPE.’

(15:25) Sam: Zeldissa sighed inside, but outwardly managed a smile and a small (extremely bobbly) curtsy. “As you say, my master.”

(15:26) Sam: And so, Zeldissa spent many hours sorting what turned out to be a MASSIVE pile of socks while Sssssam lounged nearby, furtively watching our heroine while pretending to read an oversized newspaper.

(15:26) Sam: “Oh mighty Sssssam?” Zeldissa asked, causing the dragon to cough out a fireball and burn the newspaper up.

(15:26) Sam: ‘ER… UM… WHAT, SERVANT?’ the dragon sputtered.

(15:27) Sam: Zeldissa looked at the dragon carefully. Yes, the creature was imposing. It could probably kill her in a hundred ways without even trying. But our heroine was starting to think there might be something a bit… OFF about this monster.

(15:34) Sam: “I am sorry, oh great Sssssam,” Zeldissa said. “I am but a weak and tiny human. I am not capable of the same feats of greatness as you. My body is exhausted from my travels- may I please sleep a bit before continuing with this task?”

(15:36) Sam: ‘FINE’ the dragon said. If Zeldissa was correct, the great creature sounded embarrassed. ‘FIND A SPOT….ANYWHERE’ The dragon gestured a clawed hand around the massive cave.

(15:37) Sam: “Thank you, great one,” Zeldissa said. The dragon just muttered a rumbly mutter and wandered off toward the back of the cavern

(15:37) Sam: ‘AND REMEMBER’ it said as it left. ‘DON’T LEAVE AND DON’T FOLLOW ME.’

(15:38) Sam: “Wouldn’t dream of it, master,” Zeldissa called to the dragon’s retreating form. With a swish of its massive tail, the dragon disappeared into the mysterious back cavern.

(15:44) Sam: Zeldissa waited a few minutes. Five, maybe. It was hard to tell time in the cave, even though she had a pixel pixie at hand that could probably tell her.

(15:45) Sam: Then, she started rooting around in the treasure piles. And the not-so-treasury piles.

(15:45) Sam: “Who needs a pile of 300 wooden legs?” she muttered.

(15:45) Sam: *You think the dragon ate all the owners of those legs, or just stole the legs from the disabled?* Yuniss asked.

(15:47) Sam: “I don’t know” Zeldissa said. “Honestly, I don’t know which is worse.”

(15:47) Sam: *I think death is worse* Yuniss said.

(15:47) Sam: “I meant, is it worse to KILL someone or to steal from the disabled? Both seem pretty wrong.”

(15:47) Sam: *They are not even in the same solar system, you twit* Yuniss said.

(15:47) Sam: “Whatever” Zeldissa muttered, shifting some massive opals around.

(15:49) Sam: Twenty-seven “treasure” piles later, Zeldissa fell to the floor like a puppet with cut strings.

(15:49) Sam: “This is useless” she said. “I could do this for YEARS and never find the Holy Pigtail.”

(15:49) Sam: *You need to get the dragon to show you where it is* Yuniss said.

(15:49) Sam: “HOW?!”

(15:49) Sam: *I dunno… ask?*

(15:50) Sam: “Oh yeah, that’ll go over well. Just ask the man-eating dragon where it keeps the treasure I want to steal from it.”

(15:50) Sam: *Maybe… maybe you just need some leverage* Yuniss said, a sly smile playing across her face.

(15:51) Sam: “I don’t like that look” Zeldissa said slowly. Yuniss grinned all the wider.

(15:51) Sam: *Come on* she said. *You KNOW you want to know what’s in that back room.*

(15:51) Sam: “The dragon said not to go back there” Zeldissa said. “I feel like ignoring it is the key to a painful, fiery death.”

(15:52) Sam: *Maybe* Yuniss said. *But I think Sssssam doesn’t want you going in there because it has something to hide.*

(15:52) Sam: Zeldissa opened her mouth to speak, but then promptly shut it. There WAS something off about that dragon. And it was REALLY insistent that she not go into the back room.

(15:52) Sam: “Oh what the hell” our brash and slightly insane heroine said. “Let’s go see what the dragon’s hiding.”

(15:53) Sam: And so, Zeldissa and her pixie companion crept down the back hallway. A sweet smell assaulted Zeldissa’s nostrils.

(15:53) Sam: “What smells so… good?” she whispered.

(15:53) Sam: Soon enough, she rounded a corner to see….

(15:53) Sam: (Oh look, the end of the shift)

(15:53) Sam: (Save game? Y/N)

(15:54) Alissa: YES

(15:54) Alissa: lol

(15:54) Alissa: I hate you

(15:54) Alissa: and your good timing

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Seventeenth)

Sorry it’s been so long, dearest galleons. There have actually been a few short installments of this tale in the time since our last post, but I keep forgetting to put them up here. And so, we’ll roll the last few together into one big installment.

You’re welcome.

***

Sam

[08:16:31]*doo doo dee doo da doo dooooooooo*

[08:16:37](load last save? Y/N)

 

Alissa

[08:17:37]Yes!

 

Sam

[08:17:49](lol- the narrator was concerned for a second there)

[08:18:25]Zeldissa continued down the self-illuminating corridor. The air got warmer and warmer as she crept deeper and deeper into the heart of the mountain.

[08:19:00]Soon, she began to see veins of silver and gold running through the stone walls. They glimmered entrancingly in the light of the magical globes.

[08:20:50]Small drift piles of gold began to appear at irregular intervals on the ground. Zeldissa was tempted to stop and load up her pockets, but she was afraid the sound of jingling and clinking would echo terribly through this quiet hall.

[08:38:00]She noticed that the walls had been becoming more and more… finished the deeper she went into the mountain. They began to look less like ragged cave walls and more like carefully worked and shaped square-ish hallway walls. The ground similarly had gone from rocks and dirt to an intricately tiled floor.

[08:38:31]The piles of gold and treasure began to get larger and more frequent. Zeldissa kept easing around them, but the further she went, the closer they got.

[08:41:51]As Zeldissa was carefully squeezing between two large piles of treasure, her bag brushed against one of the piles. The treasure shifted, and a few coins and gems slid, skittered, and clattered down the pile to the floor.

[08:42:01]In the silence of the hall, the noise sounded deafening.

[08:42:15]And up ahead, the deep breathing sound suddenly paused.

[09:10:15]’WHO DARES DISTURB THE MIGHTY SSSSSAM?’

[09:10:50]The voice rumbled down the corridor with a gust of scorching heat. Zeldissa cringed at the sound.

[09:12:59]*Great* Yuniss whispered. *You woke it up*

[09:13:22]’I SAID, WHO DARES DISTURB ME?’ The voice thundered again.

[09:14:33](What do you do? Do you answer the dragon or remain silent?)

 

Alissa

[09:14:50]I’ll be bold as usual and answer

 

Sam

[09:15:47]Zeldissa opened her mouth to respond, but all that came out was the barest of squeaks

[09:18:11]The squeak reverberated through the hallway strangely. A throaty chuckle was heard from the far end of the hall.

[09:18:57]’HEHE, NOTHING MORE THAN A LITTLE MOUSE, LOST IN MY CAVE. YOU ARE TOO SMALL TO BE MUCH OF A SNACK, LITTLE MOUSE. SCURRY ON OUT OF HERE. YOU ARE TOO BOLD FOR YOUR OWN GOOD’

[09:19:31]*That was close* Yuniss whispered.

[09:19:38]Zeldissa stared hard at the little pixie before mouthing ‘how can the dragon not hear you?’

[09:20:10]*I speak in a frequency dragons cannot hear* Yuniss said. Loudly. Zeldissa panicked a little, but there was no further sound from the dragon.

[09:23:30]Zeldissa crept forward with even greater caution than before.

[09:24:04]The steady sounds of the dragon’s breath had started up again, but she knew the dragon would not shrug off a second sound so easily.

[09:24:10]She would have to be extra quiet.[09:28:04]Yuniss, meanwhile, had decided to start singing as loudly as she could.

[09:48:57]*99 piles of gold on the ground, 99 piles of goooooooold. Kick one down, the dragon looks ’round, 98 piles of gold on the groooooooouuuuuuuuuuund. 98 piles of gold on the ground, 98 piles of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD.*

[09:55:08]Zeldissa considered dashing the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device against the stone wall. She kind of thought death by dragon would be worth murdering the annoying pixie.

[09:58:11]She continued creeping and slipping around the increasingly larger and more frequent piles of gold and treasure.

[10:02:33]The corridor started to widen. Large pillars began appearing in frequent intervals in the middle of the widening hall.

 

 

(13:55) Sam: BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY

(13:56) Sam: *doodle dee doo dun doo*

(13:56) Sam: (oh yes)

(13:56) Sam: (load last save? Y/N)

(13:56) Alissa: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

(13:59) Sam: (When last we saw our intrepid heroine, she was creeping around large piles of gold on her way to face the dreaded Sssssam… or whatever was lurking deep within the mountain cave… while a pixel pixie sang annoying little songs in her ear)

(14:01) Sam: The dragon or whatever had already stirred once. Zeldissa was certain another sound would not be brushed off as easily as the first. Her very life depended on her ability to stay completely silen-

(14:01) Sam: *SMASH CRASH CLANG CLATTER SPRONG SPRASH DING*

(14:09) Sam: Zeldissa froze as various bits and pieces of treasure smashed and tumbled their way down the stack of treasure she had just passed.

(14:10) Sam: Some part of her bag must have brushed against it as she passed.

(14:10) Sam: Zeldissa gulped- honestly, it had only been a matter of time.

(14:37) Sam: ‘I KNEW I HEARD SOMEONE IN MY LAIR’ the mighty voice boomed again

(14:37) Sam: *Oh crap* Yuniss said *We’re dead*

(14:40) Sam: Zeldissa toyed with her options. Did she boldly proclaim her presence in true heroic fashion…. or did she attempt to hide in the shadows and hope the dragon forgot about her?

(14:40) Sam: (So… which will it be, adventurer?)

(14:40) Alissa: BOLD

(14:41) Sam: (THAT’S RIGHT)

(14:42) Sam: Zeldissa steeled herself, summoned all her bravery, and shouted “YO SSSSSAM, YOU GOT SOMETHING I WANT”

(14:42) Sam: *…seriouslly?!*

(14:42) Sam: (or seriously, rather)

(14:43) Sam: There was a long pause.

(14:43) Sam: A pregnant pause.

(14:44) Sam: The kind of pause that starts reproducing as you experience it, spawning multitudes of tinier pauses that somehow only serve to amplify and expand upon the original pause.

(14:46) Sam: The kind of pause that empires fall in, the pause of a dramatic, history-altering moment happening.

(14:48) Sam: A pause that seemed to last eons. The universe expanded, worlds died, a species of goat waged a small and very brutal war with a tribe of sheep that no one witnessed.

(14:49) Sam: And then, at last, after all that magnificent pausing…

(14:49) Sam: …

(14:49) Sam: …

(14:49) Sam: Sssssam uttered a deafening, soul-rumbling laugh.

(14:50) Sam: ‘LITTLE INVADER, I HAVE NOT LAUGHED IN DECADES’ the voice said. ‘COME DEEPER INTO MY CAVE, THEN, IF YOU WOULD HAVE THE ITEM YOU SEEK. I FIND I DO NOT WANT TO KILL YOU JUST YET.’

(14:51) Sam: *Yayyyy* Yuniss muttered. *The man-eating dragon doesn’t want to eat us YET*

(14:54) Sam: “Better than nothing” Zeldissa muttered. But inside, she was still quaking. And wondering why the hell she had decided to shout that at a freaking dragon…

(14:56) Sam: No longer concerned with making noise, Zeldissa crashed and clattered her way down the corridor.

(14:57) Sam: The air was getting uncomfortably warm. Like, really uncomfortable.

(15:06) Sam: If Zeldissa hadn’t already abandoned her fancy outerwear she got from the innkeeper, she did so now.

(15:06) Sam: (Yes, the narrator is unable to recall that detail- DEAL WITH IT)

(15:14) Sam: She continued moving forward, sweat beading on her brow.

(15:14) Sam: Soon, her clothes began to stick to her unpleasantly.

(15:14) Sam: And still, the temperature rose.

(15:14) Sam: *So… hot…* Yuniss cried.

(15:14) Sam: “You’re digital,” Zeldissa wheezed. “You can’t even feel temperature.”

(15:14) Sam: *The circuits in this device are overheating* Yuniss said. *And trust me, I can feel that*

(15:15) Sam: Soon, the corridor took a shark turn

(15:15) Sam: Or rather, a sharp turn

(15:15) Sam: No shark could survive in this heat

(15:16) Sam: And when our heroine rounded the corner, there were the great, blazing eyes of the dragon Sssssam, watching her.

(15:29) Sam: The dragon was massive, towering over our heroine. It felt like the dragon filled the whole chamber, but that obviously wasn’t true, as there was SO MUCH TREASURE piled in there.

(15:30) Sam: The dragon’s scales appeared to be a dark brown-black, but they rippled with hints of pale gold and brilliant red. The air around the dragon shimmered with a furious heat.

(15:41) Sam: ‘WELL WELL, HELLO, LITTLE INTERLOPER’ the dragon boomed. Small tongues of fire danced out of its mouth as it spoke.

(15:43) Sam: “Uh, hey” Zeldissa said. “Nice to finally meet you”

(15:43) Sam: The dragon chuckled. ‘FINALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?’

(15:44) Sam: “Let me tell you,” Zeldissa said. “It has been an ordeal. There was this wizard and a card game and a monkey and I almost died and then there was that creepy bartender and who needs that many sticky notes? and don’t get me started on the forest…”

(15:45) Sam: ‘HOLD UP’ the dragon said. ‘START AGAIN. FROM THE BEGINNING. I WOULD HEAR THIS TALE OF YOURS.’

(15:45) Sam: (And I think we’ll save that for tomorrow. Save game? Y/N)

(15:46) Alissa: YES

(15:46) Alissa: awhhh adventuresssss

 

 

(14:48) Sam: *doo dee doo dun doodle dee doo*

(14:48) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(14:48) Alissa: YEEEEEEEEEES

(14:48) Alissa: I’ll need a refresher

(14:48) Alissa: on whats going on haha

(14:48) Sam: It’s been too long, adventurer

(14:49) Sam: When last we left our heroine, she had finally come to face-to-snout with the dreaded Sssssam.

(14:49) Sam: (Here’s a recap:)

(14:49) Sam: (15:29) Sam: The dragon was massive, towering over our heroine. It felt like the dragon filled the whole chamber, but that obviously wasn’t true, as there was SO MUCH TREASURE piled in there.

(15:30) Sam: The dragon’s scales appeared to be a dark brown-black, but they rippled with hints of pale gold and brilliant red. The air around the dragon shimmered with a furious heat.

(15:41) Sam: ‘WELL WELL, HELLO, LITTLE INTERLOPER’ the dragon boomed. Small tongues of fire danced out of its mouth as it spoke.

(15:43) Sam: “Uh, hey” Zeldissa said. “Nice to finally meet you”

(15:43) Sam: The dragon chuckled. ‘FINALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?’

(15:44) Sam: “Let me tell you,” Zeldissa said. “It has been an ordeal. There was this wizard and a card game and a monkey and I almost died and then there was that creepy bartender and who needs that many sticky notes? and don’t get me started on the forest…”

(15:45) Sam: ‘HOLD UP’ the dragon said. ‘START AGAIN. FROM THE BEGINNING. I WOULD HEAR THIS TALE OF YOURS.’

(14:53) Sam: Zeldissa stared up at the massive creature. She was sweating profusely. It was rather disgusting.

(14:54) Sam: She had been just rambling when she had started telling the dragon parts of her adventure, but she didn’t know if the great beast would care about her kingdom’s plight. And she didn’t want to become a tasty dragon snack.

(14:54) Sam: She wondered if she should try to lie to the dragon. She really felt good about her powers of persuasion after that incident in the cave which she NEVER WANTED TO THINK ABOUT AGAIN.

(14:54) Sam: (So, what do you think, adventurer? Tell the dragon the truth or LIE OUT YO BUTT?)

(14:56) Alissa: LIE OUT MUH BOOTAY

(14:57) Sam: Zeldissa smiled her most winning grin at the scaly monstrosity.

(15:00) Sam: “A few weeks ago, I was working at a tavern in the castle town,” Zeldissa said. “I mean, I know tavern work isn’t the BEST, but the economy is real bad out there. You have no idea.”

(15:04) Sam: “One night, as I was serving drinks, a man in a dark cloak beckoned me over to his table. He held up three gold coins and told me he would give them to me if I just sat down and played a card game with him. ‘I’m lonely and would like the company.'”

(15:05) Sam: “Now, this sounded a little shady, and my boss usually frowned on such things, but he was busy at the bar and I REALLY needed the coin. So, I sat down.”

(15:08) Sam: “The man shuffled a deck of strange, hexagonal cards and began arranging them on the table. He smiled at me and I felt instantly at ease. It had been silly to be worried about sitting here. He was a friendly gentleman and just wanted someone to play a game with him.”

(15:09) Sam: “I took a sip of the drink by my elbow. It was funny- I didn’t REMEMBER bringing a second drink to the table, but I must have. I didn’t even recognize the brew- it didn’t taste like our normal swill. It was sweet and rich and it warmed me all the way down. I smiled at the man as he briefly explained the rules of the game.”

(15:13) Sam: “I didn’t really understand, but I figured I would pick it up as I go. Something about baby in the cradle and crow in the pocket… even now, the details are fuzzy. And at first, everything seemed to be going along fine.”

(15:13) Sam: “Until I drew the monkey”

(15:13) Sam: *Oh my god* Yuniss said. *This is ridiculous. And why do all your stories start with you getting bewitched by strangers? What does that say about you?*

(15:14) Sam: Zeldissa froze, fear in her eyes. And then, slowly, she remembered. The dragon could not hear the voice of the pixie.

(15:14) Sam: Only Zeldissa was burdened by such a thing.

(15:17) Sam: “The card seemed to shake a little in my hand. I glanced up at the man across the table to see him smiling at me. ‘Remember, you must play the card you just drew.’ I wasn’t sure if that was so, but he knew the rules better than I, so I put the card on the table.”

(15:19) Sam: “The man looked at the card. ‘Ah, the monkey,’ he said. ‘That changes everything.’ And with that, he started picking cards off the table seemingly at random and shuffling them around, talking nonstop about battle plans and oracles.”

(15:19) Sam: “I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I figured I’d keep muddling through. However, at that moment, my boss came over.”

(15:21) Sam: “The owner of the tavern was a sleazy little man. He tended bar most nights and was really rude to me and the other girls that worked there. Constantly trying to get us to do all manner of unsavory things, if you know what I’m saying, then punishing us for refusing.”

(15:22) Sam: “So, he sidles over to the table and starts hissing at me to get back to work. And the man in the cloak just turns and gives him this glare. This cold, cold glare. My boss froze to the spot, all the blood draining from his face… then he turned around, climbed on a table, and started taking his clothes off.”

(15:23) Sam: “The other patrons started laughing and climbing over the bar to help themselves to the wares while the bartender continued his awkward show.”

(15:23) Sam: “It was at that moment that I realized- I was sitting with a wizard. I had to be.”

(15:26) Sam: “But I was unable to get up. Against my will, I turned back to the game. The wizard grinned again. ‘The monkey changes the game, remember? Now, things get serious.'”

(15:32) Sam: “Anyway, I don’t really remember the rest of the game. It’s just a blur of cards and that sweet drink and that man’s EYES.”

(15:40) Sam: “I woke up the next morning so hung-over I could barely move. I was in the back of a wagon, chained to a large metal ring in the center of the wagon bed.”

(15:40) Sam: “I felt like I was going to die.”

(15:41) Sam: “A voice from the front said, ‘Ah good, you’re awake. I was worried you weren’t going to wake up after that little potion I gave you. But, it’s good now. Hello there, pretty little thing.'”

(15:41) Sam: “I struggled against the chain. ‘What’s going on? Where are you taking me?’ I asked. He just laughed, but said nothing further.”

(15:42) Sam: “We traveled far to the east, to the outer reaches of the great desert. We stopped at a small bazaar.”

(15:42) Sam: “And it was at this bazaar that, for 20 gold coins and a magic pendant, I was sold to a dragon worshipping cult.”

(15:43) Sam: ‘OOOOOO, THEY STILL HAVE THOSE?’ Sssssam asked, delighted little smoke spirals coming out of its maw. ‘I THOUGHT THEY ALL DIED OUT A FEW HUNDRED YEARS AGO. DELICIOUS.’

(15:44) Sam: “Yes, well, they brought me back here. To this mountain. And they carted me up here and dumped me at the mouth of the cave. They said you had been too long without a slave and told me to get in here.”

(15:45) Sam: “On the way here, they told me such tales of your magnificence that I knew I must see you. And now that I have, I know that I want more than anything to be servant to you. Please, oh mighty Sssssam, let me serve you.”

(15:45) Sam: (Okay, you aren’t even paying attention now. We’ll just auto save and pick this up another day)

(15:46) Alissa: I AM TOO

 

 

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Sixteenth)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled adventure.

***

(13:12) Alissa: ADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTUREADVENTURE

(13:13) Sam: *doodly doo doodle doo*

(13:13) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(13:13) Alissa: YES

(13:14) Sam: Zeldissa tip toed into the dark, dark cave.

(13:15) Sam: Unlike the last cave she had been in, this one was dry. And she could feel heat emanating from deep within, melting the snow on her fancy new jacket.

(13:18) Sam: As her eyes adjusted to the dark, dark cavern, she could see…

(13:18) Sam: Well, not much, honestly.

(13:18) Sam: It was a dark, dark cavern.

(13:21) Sam: But she thought she could see the barest flicker of light much deeper into the mountain.

(13:21) Sam: Zeldissa pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device. It glowed with the faintest light.

(13:21) Sam: “Hey” she whispered to Yuniss. “Do you think you could make a light for me?”

(13:22) Sam: *Are you kidding?* hissed the pixie. *We’re in the lair of a DRAGON. I don’t want to draw attention to us.*

(13:22) Sam: It was a fair point, but Zeldissa was concerned about stumbling around in the super dark cave.

(13:22) Sam: (So… brave the cave with no light or tell Yuniss to just do what you say?)

(13:23) Alissa: Do what I say woman

(13:24) Sam: “Just do what I say” Zeldissa said, exasperated. Yuniss gave a tiny huff, but soon the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device began to emit a pinkish light.

(13:25) Sam: By Yuniss’ light, Zeldissa could see… not much more, honestly. Yuniss’ light was pretty weak.

(13:26) Sam: But she could see great stone walls curving up over her head. The cave snaked further into the mountain, it appeared. There was just the one path, so Zeldissa crept along it, one hand on her scissors.

(13:30) Sam: The cave twisted around itself, but the way remained clear.

(13:31) Sam: Zeldissa began to hear a strange sound, like wind, coming from further down the stone corridor.

(13:40) Sam: *I don’t like this place* Yuniss whispered

(13:40) Sam: “You don’t like any place” Zeldissa muttered.

(13:40) Sam: Still, Zeldissa wasn’t really thrilled to be here, either. The quiet and the dark were starting to unnerve her.

(13:40) Sam: There were no monsters. No creatures. No traps.

(13:41) Sam: Just a seemingly endless corridor.

(13:41) Sam: With a sound she may or may not be imagining that sounded like really faint wind.

(13:46) Sam: Zeldissa started thinking about how there was a very real possibility that this adventure had driven her mad.

(13:47) Sam: Or that something else had, and this whole crazy adventure was just the construct of a delusional, broken mind.

(13:49) Sam: In fact, she contemplated this so hard that she didn’t see the elaborate stone door until she smacked into it.

(13:50) Sam: Dazed, she lay on the floor of the cavern, staring blearily up at the dark stone ceiling.

(13:51) Sam: *Graceful* Yuniss snickered.

(14:13) Sam: Slowly, Zeldissa got back on her feet.

(14:22) Sam: The door before her was ridiculously ornate. And golden. So golden.

(14:23) Alissa: (Don’t make it say speak friend and enter lol)

(14:23) Sam: Among the swirls and curls of the intricate flame carvings, there were a series of small gold boxes inset in the door.

(14:23) Sam: They formed a grid that looked like this:

(14:24) Sam: I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

(14:24) Sam: (darn)_

(14:24) Sam: (let’s try that again:)

(14:24) Alissa: (lol)

(14:25) Sam: They looked like this:

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

(14:25) Sam: Or something

(14:25) Sam: (screw it)

(14:25) Sam: (this thing hates me)

(14:26) Sam: Five rows of three boxes

(14:26) Sam: Not whatever this stupid chat program keeps spitting out

(14:26) Sam: Glancing around, Zeldissa spied an equally ornate golden bowl standing near the door.

(14:27) Sam: It was dusty with age, but inside, Zeldissa could see a bevy of deep red stone spheres.

(14:27) Sam: Etched in a plaque on the wall was the following:

(14:30) Sam:   

(14:31) Sam: “Uh…” Zeldissa muttered. “Yeah, well, that’s no help at all.”

(14:31) Sam: *Actually, I can translate that* Yuniss piped up.

(14:31) Sam: There was a lengthy pause.

(14:31) Sam: “So… I mean… are you going to…?”

(14:32) Sam: *Am I going to what?”

(14:32) Sam: (* not “)

(14:32) Sam: (I suck at this today)

(14:32) Sam: “Are you going to translate that?”

(14:33) Sam: *Oh… why?*

(14:33) Sam: “Because it’s probably important!” Zeldissa snapped

(14:33) Sam: *Looks important, yeah*

(14:33) Sam: The pixie grinned wickedly.

(14:34) Sam: *Okay, I’ll stop torturing you* she said. *This is what it says:

A serpent’s sound

The start of scales

Found in a whisper

And the end of tales*

(14:34) Sam: “ANOTHER STUPID POEM?!”

(14:34) Sam: *I think it’s a riddle* Yuniss mused.

(14:35) Sam: “Yeah, okay, great. A riddle. What does it mean?”

(14:35) Sam: *I think you need to solve it*

(14:35) Sam: “Can’t you solve it?”

(14:35) Sam: *Eh, I could* Yuniss said. *But I already translated it. It’s your turn to do something*

(14:35) Sam: “Great” muttered Zeldissa.

(14:35) Sam: “A serpent’s sound

The start of scales

Found in a whisper

And the end of tales”

(14:36) Sam: “And I’m guessing these red balls have something to do with it…”

(14:36) Sam: Zeldissa counted quickly. “11 balls… 15 holes in the door… 1 stupid riddle”

(14:37) Sam: (So… What do you do?)

(14:37) Alissa: dumb all the balls in the last hole in the door

(14:37) Alissa: dump*

(14:38) Sam: Zeldissa tried to shove all the balls in the last hole of the door.

(14:38) Sam: And she tried REALLY hard. But it soon became painfully obvious that only one red sphere would fit in each little hole.

(14:40) Sam: So now there was one little sphere in one little door hole. It looked like this:

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_IOI

(14:40) Sam: (haHA!)

(14:40) Sam: (ahem)

(14:40) Sam: (Anyway… any more ideas, player?)

(14:41) Alissa: ermh… can I take spheres out?

(14:41) Sam: Zeldissa reached into the little hole and removed the sphere. The door once again looked like this:

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

I_I_I_I

(14:41) Sam: (FINALLY- IT WORKS)

(14:42) Sam: (Now what?)

(14:42) Alissa: wellllll….. maybe make an S with the stones in the door

(14:44) Sam: Zeldissa started placing the ruby spheres in the door. Soon, she had crafted a letter ‘s’ in the door:

IOIOIOI

IOI_I_I

IOIOIOI

I_I_IOI

IOIOIOI

(14:44) Sam: With a groan and a shudder, the door swung open.

(14:44) Sam: *Wow* Yuniss said. *I did not think you’d figure that out*

(14:44) Sam: “Shut up” Zeldissa muttered.

(14:45) Sam: As the door opened, the sound of wind became louder.

(14:45) Sam: But the wind was… slow. Measured. Almost like…

(14:45) Sam: “It’s breathing” Zeldissa whispered.

(14:46) Sam: Something huge waited for her in the darkness. Something huge, breathing deeply… And Zeldissa had the sneaking suspicion it knew she was there.

“Little Yellow Clock or Why is Alissa Still Away?”

Today, instead of another installment of the thrilling adventures of Zeldissa, I have something else for you. This is mostly because there WAS no adventuring today. Because Ginger Assistant was elsewhere in the office all day. I was pretty lonely without her… so I wrote her this song.

***

It’s midway

Through a Monday

And I have nothing left to do

Just callbacks

And some feedback

For our ever-dwindling crew

 

I’m so bored

Here at this keyboard

That I’ve started timing calls

Here in this Hell

Answering emails

And staring blankly at the walls

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

You don’t know how much I’ve missed ya

 

Locked here in this tiny cube

You really haven’t got a clue

How dull my life is without you

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

You don’t know how much I’ve missed ya

 

I miss ya…….

 

The clock ticks away

The last hours of the day

But my god, this afternoon won’t die

I ask the 8 ball

But it says fuck all

And I think that I might finally cryyyyyy

 

The saddest thing, and this I know

Is how quick I was to let you go

And now I’m here, all alone

And you’ll just clock out and go hooooooooome

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

You don’t know how much I’ve missed ya

 

Locked here in this tiny cube

You really haven’t got a clue

How dull my life is without you

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

You don’t know how much I’ve missed ya

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

 

*dramatic, sad whisper*

 

Alissa…

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Fifteenth)

Sorry for the dual formats on this post- my chat program was being a pain Friday.

***

Sam:

[07:53:39] *dooodly a-doo deeedle doooooo*
[07:53:44] (load last save? Y/N

 

Alissa:

[07:53:46]   Yes!

 

Sam:

[07:55:12] “Now… do you know the location of Sssssam’s lair?” Zeldissa asked the innkeeper as she sipped her cider. The innkeeper paled further.
[07:55:45] “I… You… You can’t go up there” the mistwraith whispered. “No one who enters Sssssam’s lair ever returns!”
[08:04:34] “Well, I’m not just anyone” said Zeldissa, her previous cave adventure fading into distant memory and her cocky self-assurance returning.
[08:07:18] “You’re a fool” hissed the innkeeper. “A damn fool.”
[08:13:19] “Hey now, you face-snatching wench,” Zeldissa snapped. “I didn’t come here asking for your judgment. I came here for a warm drink, a fire, and some information. If you cannot provide me with these, I will leave.”
[08:44:18] The innkeeper just stared at our heroine for a moment. “I can’t tell if you are brave or just crazy,” she muttered.
[08:44:34] *Oh, she’s crazy* came a tiny voice from deep in Zeldissa’s pack.
[08:47:13] “What’s that?” the innkeeper asked as Zeldissa sighed and pulled her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device from her pack.
[08:47:48] “It really was too much to ask that the cold and snow would toast your little circuits, wasn’t it?” Zeldissa sighed. The innkeeper stepped a little closer.
[08:47:52] “Yuniss, is that you?”
[08:49:50] *Sytrix?* the little pixie cried. *I haven’t seen you in YEARS*
[08:51:46] “Technically, you’ve NEVER seen me” the innkeeper teased. “How have you been? Goddesses, the last time I saw you was-“
[08:53:03] *That leprechaun’s party* Yuniss finished. *Yeah… I woke up in the middle of a swamp, surrounded by trolls who were worshipping me like a goddess. I don’t know what happened that led me there, but I spent three months there before they realized I wasn’t actually divine*
[10:46:46] “Oh, I remember that party” the innkeeper laughed. “That was so LONG ago. We’ve missed you around the kingdom.”
[10:47:53] *Oh, I’ve been busy* Yuniss said vaguely. For the first time, Zeldissa wondered where Yuniss had come from and why she was, uh, helping her on this quest.
[10:48:59] “Listen, this little reunion is great and all” Zeldissa interjected, “but we really need to get up that mountain… or the other one. Which mountain does Sssssam even live in?”

 

 

(10:49) Sam: “Um… Malphunksion,” the innkeeper said.

(10:50) Sam: “Oh yeah, I knew that.” Zeldissa was getting concerned the cold had damaged her brain somehow.

(10:51) Sam: The innkeeper sighed heavily. “You really are dead set on going, aren’t you?”

(10:51) Sam: *I’m not* Yuniss piped up. *But… well, we have to*

(10:52) Sam: “Yes, you have the look of youthful, foolhardy PURPOSE about you” the innkeeper said. “That’ll get you killed if you aren’t careful.”

(10:52) Sam: “Can you help us or not?” Zeldissa asked sharply. She was getting ruder and ruder as this adventure went on. Some heroine.

(10:52) Sam: “Perhaps” the innkeeper said. “However, I would need something for my troubles. You know how it is.”

(10:53) Sam: (The innkeeper is asking for a trade. What do you offer her?)

(10:53) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(10:54) Alissa: (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, fine what is my inventory)

(10:55) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(10:56) Alissa: umh…. the gem

(10:56) Sam: Good call

(10:56) Alissa: I need to upgrade how much my inventory can hold -____-

(10:59) Sam: (hmm… yeah, this game sucks for upgrades, doesn’t it?)

(10:59) Alissa: (lol a little but its okay, at least my barely there shoes got upgraded… once   )

(11:02) Sam: (oh yeah- you is kind of speedy now)

(11:02) Sam: (you also have a spiffy new t-shirt)

(11:02) Alissa: (true, but its almost making me freeze to death, lol not an upgrade at all)

(11:05) Sam: (eh, well, whatevs)

(14:01) Sam: Zeldissa offered the innkeeper her extremely shiny gem. “I, uh, I have this thing here…”

(14:12) Sam: The innkeeper looked at her like she had grown a second head. “What on earth would I do with that?”

(14:12) Sam: “Use it to… buy… things?”

(14:13) Sam: “That’s not money!” the innkeeper…er…right… she has a name… SYTRIX cried. “Now if you had a lizard…”

(14:14) Sam: “What is with these people and lizards?” muttered Zeldissa.

(14:19) Sam: Apparently, the shiny gem wasn’t going to work. There weren’t that many things in her inventory (as the player had whined about before)… what could the innkeeper want?

(14:20) Sam: Zeldissa looked around the place. Pretty Spartan, now that she was paying attention. A bit drab. Not terribly cozy at all.

(14:20) Sam: Probably hard for an insubstantial spirit to acquire decorations.

(14:20) Sam: Sighing, Zeldissa took a sip of her cooling cider.

(14:21) Sam: (Want to try something else?)

(14:21) Alissa: Blargghhhh   I have to give her the pony don’t I…

(14:21) Sam: Zeldissa thought the innkeeper would probably like that pony sculpture she’d picked up.

(14:22) Sam: But she didn’t want to give it up.

(14:22) Sam: “Well, guess I have nothing for you,” our heroine said, finishing her drink and tossing a few coins on the table. “It’s been interesting, but I have a dragon to face.” Zeldissa stood up from the table and started toward the door.

(14:24) Sam: “Oh, fiddlesticks” Sytrix said with a little stomp of her foot. “Wait.”

(14:25) Sam: *Since when do you say ‘fiddlesticks’?* Yuniss asked

(14:27) Sam: “Since I bought an inn and became respectable” sniffed the mistwraith.

(14:27) Sam: *…Right*

(14:27) Sam: “I can’t let you go out there unprepared,” the innkeeper said. “It would be wrong. If you want to go to your death, that’s your business, but I’m not going to be the one that killed you.”

(14:28) Sam: *Well, technically the cold would kill us* Yuniss said.

(14:28) Sam: “Do you want this coat or not?” snapped the innkeeper. Zeldissa shot the pixie a glare.

(14:28) Sam: “I would like that very much,” our heroine stated.

(14:29) Sam: “Let’s be honest,” Sytrix said. “I have no use for the thing.”

(14:29) Sam: *You and your magic clothes* muttered Yuniss.

(14:31) Sam: “You seem determined to go up that mountain,” Sytrix continued. “So I guess I’ll help you the best I can. I know that Sssssam’s lair lies high up on Malphunksion. The path from the village leads part way up. But after that, you will have to scale the peak some other way.”

(14:31) Sam: “I’m really not a mountain climber” Zeldissa said. The innkeeper nodded sagely.

(14:32) Sam: “Most people aren’t” she said. “It’s easy enough for a wraith like me. But you… you’ll need some help.”

(14:32) Sam: “What kind of help?”

(14:34) Sam: “Probably some rope or something,” the innkeeper said. “And this snippet I heard a traveler say once before:

At the end of the path, the way will be shone

Great spears of ice stuck into the stone

A single wrong move and your death you will meet

(14:36) Sam: But choose the right path and you’re in for a treat

A second path snakes to the great dragon’s lair

A dangerous place where you must tread with care

But for those full of guile or a thief’s deadly grace

That room full of treasure is a wondrous place”

(14:37) Sam: *Great, more cryptic poems* Yuniss said. *This adventure is GREAT*

(14:38) Sam: “Sounds like there’s a way up,” Zeldissa said. “And I have some cabling. I think I will be able to figure it out.”

(14:39) Sam: “Be careful,” the innkeeper said, waving slightly as Zeldissa donned her fancy new coat and stepped out into the storm again.

(14:39) Sam: Actually, in the short time she’d been inside, the weather had calmed a bit. It was still cold, but in her cozy new coat, she remained quite warm. She even found a pair of gloves in the pocket. (SCORE!)

(14:41) Sam: So, our heroine walked out of the little village at the base of the mountains and headed toward Malphunksion peak.

(14:46) Sam: The path did not go far, honestly. Part way up the mountain, it abruptly ended. On one side, the path sheared off and dropped away to the village below. It was… okay, actually it was a pretty far drop. Zeldissa had been on the path longer than she thought.

(14:46) Sam: On the other side, the mountain continued to rise above her.

(14:47) Sam: Great stones and shards of ice jutted this way and that out of the peak.

(14:47) Sam: All along it.

(14:47) Sam: Almost like…

(14:47) Sam: Zeldissa paused and cocked her head to the side.

(14:47) Sam: (it was her thinking pose)

(14:47) Sam: She pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device and held it up in front of her.

(14:47) Sam: “Hey, Yuniss, can you see… can you see a pattern here?”

(14:48) Sam: There was a series of tiny beeps and blips, then Yuniss spoke up. *Yes, actually. Take three steps to the right and you should see it.*

(14:52) Sam: So Zeldissa took three steps to the right. And what had been an almost complete picture sharpened into view. Among the rocks and ice, some giant shards of ice seemed to stand out, shimmering with a strange bluish light.

(14:52) Sam: They jutted out of the mountainside in five rows.

(14:53) Sam: “At the end of the path, the way will be shone

Great spears of ice stuck into the stone

” Zeldissa muttered.

(14:53) Sam: *A single wrong move and your death you will meet* Yuniss continued. *I think there’s only one way up these.*

(14:53) Sam: “Must be some kind of magic,” Zeldissa said. Yuniss nodded. “Well then, I guess there’s nothing to do but climb.”

(14:54) Sam: The first row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:54) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3, 4)

(14:54) Alissa: 2

(14:55) Sam: Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(14:55) Sam: And halfway up, the spike snapped off the mountainside. Zeldissa fell, the spike impaling her on the ground in a gruesome, hideous, spikey death.

(14:56) Sam: (You have died. Load auto save 1? Y/N)

(14:56) Alissa: Yes -_____-

(14:56) Sam: *doo dee doo doo*

(14:56) Sam: The first row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:56) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3, 4)

(14:56) Alissa: 3

(14:57) Sam: Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(14:57) Sam: (shoot- lazy narrator tried copying and totally meant to change second to third there. sorry)

(14:58) Sam: The spike held, and Zeldissa scrambled onto it. It was surprisingly wide, able to act as a sort of small platform for her as she prepared to climb to the next row of spikes.

(14:58) Sam: The second row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:58) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(14:59) Alissa: 2…

(14:59) Sam:  Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(15:00) Sam: And sure enough, she scrambled up the mountainside and clambered onto the ice spike.

(15:00) Sam: (good for you)

(15:00) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:00) Sam:  (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:01) Alissa: 1!

(15:01) Sam: Zeldissa tossed her cabling toward the first ice spike. It was a bit far.

(15:01) Sam: She missed.

(15:01) Sam: But unflagged, she tried again.

(15:01) Sam: Throwing her cabling harder this time.

(15:03) Sam: So hard, in fact, that she slipped and fell off the spike. She banged down the mountainside, bouncing about and rolling off the cliff entirely to die a horrid, squelchy death in the street of the town below.

(15:03) Sam: (You have died. Load auto save 2? Y/N)

(15:03) Alissa: what the what… how many saves do I have? YES

(15:04) Sam: (the save numbers are arbitrary, honestly. Your awful narrator contemplated only allowing an auto save at the start of the puzzle and making you do it all over every time, but she’s being generous now)

(15:04) Sam: *doo doo dee doo*

(15:04) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:04) Alissa: 3!

(15:04) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:04) Sam: (…

(15:04) Sam: )

(15:04) Alissa: oops, lol, tHREE

(15:05) Sam: (couldn’t even let the narrator copy and paste the question, could you?)

(15:05) Sam: (just for that…)

(15:05) Sam: Zeldissa died. Again.

(15:05) Sam: There was SO MUCH BLOOD

(15:05) Sam: OH GOD, THE BLOOD

(15:05) Sam: I’M GOING TO VOMIT

(15:05) Sam:  (You have died. Load auto save 2? Y/N)

(15:05) Alissa: Yes -___-

(15:06) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:06) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:06) Alissa: now I choose 2

(15:06) Sam: Zeldissa tossed her line up to the second ice spike. With a great huff of effort, she dragged her tired self up to the next row of spike.

(15:06) Sam: Boy, all this effort (and dying) was getting to her.

(15:07) Sam: The fourth row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:07) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2)

(15:07) Alissa: 1

(15:08) Sam: Zeldissa lassoed the first ice spike and started climbing. About halfway up, she felt a great rumble from the mountain…

(15:16) Sam: (HAHAHA, suspense)

(15:18) Alissa: -__-

(15:37) Sam: The mountain rumbled. Some rocks shifted about and tumbled down on Zeldissa’s left.

(15:37) Sam: But her spike held and she climbed atop it to gaze at the final row of icy spikes.

(15:37) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2)

(15:38) Alissa: 2!

(15:38) Sam: (o em gee)

(15:39) Sam: With a great effort, Zeldissa tossed her line up over the second ice spike. She heaved her tired body up and up.

(15:39) Sam: At some point, she made the mistake of looking down.

(15:39) Sam: The path was a loooooooooooooooooooooooong way below her.

(15:40) Sam: Her gloved hands tightened on the cable and she climbed a little faster.

(15:40) Sam: Soon, she had scurried up the ice spike and up onto the ledge above it.

(15:40) Sam: Lying there, gasping with both effort and fear, Zeldissa realized she must be lying on the hidden second path.

(15:41) Sam: “A second path snakes to the great dragon’s lair

” she whispered. “We’re on the right track.”

(15:42) Sam: She forced herself to her feet. The ledge she was standing on was narrow- far more narrow than our heroine would prefer.

(15:43) Sam: Slowly, she picked her way along it. The wind gusted around her, causing her to cling to the rocky face on her left.

(15:43) Sam: Up and up the narrow little path wove, and up and up our intrepid heroine strove.

(15:43) Sam: (hah, rhymes)

(15:44) Sam: The cold was even more biting here than down in the village below, and even Zeldissa’s fancy new coat was not enough to keep her warm. Her teeth started chattering.

(15:45) Sam: “Is… it… much… further?” she asked aloud. She heard Yuniss’ tiny voice from her pocket.

(15:45) Sam: *I don’t think so. I’m getting a reading up ahead. A large cave or something.*

(15:45) Sam: Sure enough, within minutes our heroine spotted a large cave mouth come into view. Jagged rocks overhang the entrance, giving it the appearance of a fierce, terrible maw.

(15:46) Sam: Zeldissa edges close and peered into the cave.

(15:46) Sam: She could see nothing but darkness behind the row of jagged rocks.

(15:46) Sam: “Great,” she muttered. “Another freaking cave.”

(15:47) Sam: And with a not-at-all-heroic slouch, slunk into the darkness of the cave.

(15:47) Sam: Where a dragon was waiting.

(15:47) Sam: (Well, it’s getting about that time. Save game? Y/N)

(15:47) Alissa: Yes, lol I knew you’d stop there

(15:47) Sam: Well, of course