What follows may just be the greatest text message conversation I’ve ever had:
Sean: I’m in Cleveland. I’m wearing a neon pink shirt. I haven’t slept in 56 hours. I’m at a rodeo.
Me: That is the most amazing message EVER!
Sean: This actually what I do for my internship. I competitively compete in rodeos.
Me: Oh. You’re moonlighting as a rodeo clown these days. I KNEW there was something you weren’t telling me.
Sean: They call me the Howdy Hipster. I play the villain and sneer at the audience’s music taste while scoffing at the protagonist for purchasing his assless chaps at chain retail clothing store and not salvation army.
Me: Haha, you would. You sip your freetrade coffee and act like a pretentious fuck. Yay!
Sean: They just told me freedom isn’t free. WTF’s going on, lol? They’re like worshipping the American flag… and there are speeches about Communism. Or baseball… I can’t tell.
Me: Sean, you are making my whole day.
Sean: It’s like living in a South Park parody of a rodeo. This can’t possibly be the real thing… They are making me pray now.
Me: WTF? Are you in Utah? Don’t become Mormon! Don’t wear the special underwear! Don’t drink the Koolaid!
Sean: No man, Cleveland.
Me: It was a joke. I know where you are. I’m watching you right now. *gasp*
Sean: I was already on TV once today. I wouldn’t be surprised, lol. The population of MILFs at rodeos is astounding and unpredicted.
Me: Maybe at sexy Cleveland rodeos… Maybe you are unknowingly part of some crazy MILFs Gone Wild shoot. The rodeo edition.
Sean: That explains everything. So, is this what you do in your home country? Piss over a horse’s balls and then hold on?
Me: Ah, sounds just like the motherland.
Sean: They just used a dancing horse to recruit for the army.
Me: Is this a rodeo or a circus? Lol.
Sean: I’m not really sure what I’m seeing anymore…
Me: Are you on drugs? Quick! If zombies attacked right now, what wouldst thou do?!
Sean: Cause a stampede and rob a cowboy of his pistol. Then, exit the stadium and make my way for my car before the chaos erupts.
Me: Stampedes equal chaos, dumbass. You’d never make it out.
Sean: Zombies love horse meat. 🙂
Me: Mmm, delicious equine brains.
Sean: Lulz. I’m aboot to get crunk. What?!