Adventures on Black Friday

Song of the moment: Risingson Massive Attack

Supposed reasons it’s called Black Friday:
~A nickname given to the day after Thanksgiving in reference to the heavy traffic on that day.
~The beginning of the period where businesses move from the red to the black (i.e., turn a profit).

The real reason:
~You will leave any store you enter black and blue from attacks by frenzied consumers.

Yes, dear readers, I have survived my first Black Friday shopping experience. Barely. Oh, I’m kidding. It really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be (thank god for everyone clearing out of college towns on the holidays), but it was still a zoo. I only went to the mall (trust me, that was enough), yet managed to walk away with a few funny moments.

First, I have to let it be known that I can never, ever enter Charlotte Russe without thinking about Grix, Ainsley, and I dragging Stauff in there freshman year. He stopped dead, his eyes got really wide, and he said, “Wow… that’s a hill of panties!” A line which still echoes through my head every time I go to paw through the ‘hill of panties’ in pursuit of new smalls. Which was how my trip started (because I have an underwear fetish).

While walking past a jewelry store, I saw a scruffy man in a dark coat with a dark winter cap on, all hunched over and looking around shadily. He looked like he was going to rob the place. I’ve never seen anyone look so stereotypically like a thief. I have no idea if he stole anything or not, though- I was swept along in the crowd. You couldn’t really stop in the middle of traffic, else you’d be brutalized. Or at least shoved around a bit.

After about an hour of shopping, I was already bored (yet still had things on my list). That’s when a girl wearing a hoodie with ‘Samantha’ printed across the back caught my eye. I figured, hell, it’s Black Friday. The whole shopping experience is weird anyway. I can be a creeper if I want to. So, I followed this girl all around a store, not even attempting to be discreet about stalking her. When she finally turns around and looks at me, recognizing I’ve been following her, I just point and loudly say, “Hey, that’s my name, too!” and then run off. It amused me. Probably baffled her.

So, still laughing, I wander into Spencers. And proceed to buy a vibrator off of these two little old ladies. Why on earth were the geriatric dream team working at Spencers? It’s my mystery of the day.

But the single greatest moment of my day happened as I was leaving the mall. I’m walking along, bobbing my head to the music on my iPod, my wallet emptier but my Christmas shopping mostly finished, when this petite blond woman sashays in front of me, holding up her bags to show another woman (she must have got a great deal). The only reason I was paying any attention to this display was the fact that the blond had a great ass and had just shaken it in my face, and my music was in the process of switching between songs, so there was this lull as one song faded out and another slowly started. And what a coincidence, because it allowed me to overhear this.

Woman Number One (blondie): “Hey there!” (at this point, she turned her head enough for me to see she was much older than I thought and terribly unattractive) *looks around suddenly, her face slightly panicked*

Woman Number Two: *also looking around frantically* “Where are the kids?”

Woman Number One: “I thought you were getting them. Oh god!”

At this point, they both spin sharply around and run the opposite direction… namely, straight into me. I just barely sidestepped them on their mad dash to find their children. What stellar examples of parenting.

Got home and put up my Christmas tree while drinking hot cocoa (it was spiked, yes, but it was after noon, so I’m still not a proper alkie) and listening to holiday music. I’m so full of Christmas spirit this year, I think I will pop. I think this is how Cricket feels every day- no wonder he feels the need to constantly share the love with the world, because it’s acting as a siphon to ease some of the pressure on his own heart.

Even when I’m happy, I’m a cynical bastard.

Changing gears completely, reading just the front page of BBC News today was a sobering experience. Some headlines:
~Dozens killed in Russia train crash
~Zimbabwe cargo plane crashes in China
~Crowded ferry sinks in southern Bangladesh
~Family shot dead at Thanksgiving
~Father charged for son’s killings
~S Korean racially abused Indian

Happy holidays, indeed.

Bonus link of the day: I have no earthly idea what this is, but it’s disgusting. And kind of hilarious. Mostly disgusting, though.

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