A Letter to the Female Undergarment Industry

To the Designers of Women’s Bras:

Hello. My name is Samantha. I have a few complaints about your products, so if I could just have a moment of your time…

Fantastic.

I’m speaking to you from the vantage point of a specific group of women. Namely, the women who, through nature or design, wear bras with an above average cup size. And I have noticed a few problems with your bra designs in these upper ranges.

The biggest concern I have is about your perceived shape of female breasts above a C-cup. I’m going to tell you something right now that might shock you: women’s breasts are not square in shape. I know, I know, this is truly surprising. Or, at least, it should be, seeing as you constantly seem to design bras that have an odd, square shape to them.

The female breast is round. The cup of a bra should not contain folds and seams of material that give the impression a woman is either a robot or suffering through a bout of Cubism. Support and lift can be obtained without sacrificing shape (I know this because Victoria’s Secret always manages to do so). It’s already bad enough that I have to deal with breasts that are entirely too large. When you make them look like a fucking shelf or body balcony, it makes it infinitely worse.

So, let’s reiterate: NO VISIBLE SEAMS ON THE CUP.

Next, I want you to think long and hard about the sex appeal of your bras. For the little A- and B-cups, you add frills and lace and all manner of adorable designs. But for your D-cups and above… well, we’re lucky to get something that isn’t white and plain. Put some effort into these bras as well, people. Every woman deserves to wear sexy undergarments if she so chooses. Please stop discriminating against the larger cup sizes.

You wouldn’t think this would be a problem, what with the male obsession with D- and DD-sized breasts. You’d think bra companies would be tailoring their designs toward these women and would make the A-cups cry in a corner with their plain white bras. Of course, this isn’t the case.

To sum it up: STOP IT. Make me some sexy, cute, fun bras.

And finally… maybe you missed this lesson in science class, but there’s a little force acting on us at all times. It’s called gravity. Gravity causes things like, oh, a woman’s breasts to sit lower-than-ideal on the body. Especially if a woman has larger breasts. No matter how perky and firm a woman’s breasts may be, if she has a D-cup or above, there’s going to be a bit of sagging going on. Sagging. Christ, what an awful-sounding word for something that’s really not that bad.

Thing is, women want their breasts to ride high and happy on their chests. Not only because it’s more visually appealing, but because it’s better for their posture. Which is better for their backs. So, would you make a concerted effort to help them combat the effects of gravity by making bras that actually support and lift?

I thank you for your time and consideration. I hope you take these suggestions to mind when you sit down to design next season’s undergarments, because you’re all starting to piss me off.

Oh, and while you’re at it… matching sets of bras and underwear? Yeah, I’d like to see more of those. Sexier. In bolder colors. Get on it, people.

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