Wine, Women, and Song

Song of the moment: Cigarette Pack Dan Black

Wine is sunlight held together by water. ~Galileo

Galleons, it’s been well over a month (probably closer to two) since I’ve been even mildly intoxicated. Right now, I’m typing to you in a state of hazy, pleasant drunkenness. And damn, does it feel good. Oh, how I’ve missed this.

I have a bottle of decent merlot, and it’s treating me right. Therefore… tonight, we’re going to talk about wine! Aren’t you excited?

I am, but that may be the alcohol talking.


So, I’ve developed a taste for wine in the last year. But that doesn’t, by any means, make me even remotely qualified to judge wines. I know next to nothing about them. I can recognize an oak flavor only because I’m very familiar with whiskey (particularly my dear Scotch), but that’s the extent of my palate. I can determine what I enjoy and what I don’t, but I don’t really know the jargon associated with wine.

Yeah, I’m a wine n00b.

Deal with it.

I’m a red wine girl. Reds are richer, darker, and ultimately tastier to me. Pinks are okay, and whites are pretty awful across the board. Sorry. It is what it is (second time I’ve used that phrase tonight… odd).

But red wines are supposedly amazing for you (in moderation, of course). Especially if you are a woman (so, huzzah for my genes?). Drinking red wine can, apparently, lower your long-term weight gain and (more importantly, in my book) increase your sex drive. Woo!

Man, this merlot is great. Heh.


My favorite type of wine is actually a tempranillo. No, I don’t know what distinguishes it from a merlot or a cabaret sauvignon. Again, sorry.

All I know is, in December of last year, I went out with a few girls I knew to Beggar’s Banquet, a restaurant/bar in EL. We went on Wednesday, when they happen to have a wine special. It was there that I tasted the most delicious wine I’ve had the pleasure of imbibing. It was a tempranillo, and I believe it was the Opera Prima, though the bottle I purchased of it later didn’t quite live up to the original. Though I suppose I could have had a different vintage…

Wine vintage irritates me. I know why different vintages taste different. But hell, it’s hard enough to find a type/winery match I enjoy. And then I have to worry about the goddamn vintage?! It makes it really difficult for me to purchase something I like more than once. Which is a goddamn travesty.


Have you ever seen Gary Vaynerchuk’s video blog, galleons? He’s a pretty entertaining wine blogger (though, unfortunately, a Jets fan), but his greatest moments, in my opinion, came when he went on Conan’s show. He was on there twice, and both times slay me (oh Conan, you comic genius, you).

Watch him on Conan here.


Anyway, I’m done with this now. And I’m also done with this bottle of wine. I suppose we all know what that means.

Time for me to… take care of business.

I’m concerned that my masturbatory fantasies are getting a bit dull. Or, at the very least, a bit odd. I need some real spark there. It’s not the players that are the problem (trust me, they’re still working for me… mostly, he’s still working for me), it’s the situations. Any suggestions to help me out?

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