The Water Temple Sucks Harder Than Miley Cyrus in Her As-Of-Yet-Unreleased Sex Tape (Trust Me, It’s Coming)

Every gamer has that one game that really set them on the path to gamerdom. That one game that made you stand up and say, “Damn, this video game shit is pretty fucking great!” It might not have been your first game, but when you think back, this is the game that started it all for you.

For me (and I know I’m not alone in this), that game was The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Now, I’d played games before that (Atari and Sega Genesis and some PC games), but OoT was the first one that really stood out. It had an immersive story, fun characters, good gameplay. It was a good length, had some nifty side quests for the completionists… it was a grand time.

I was so charmed with it that I barely noticed its flaws. Except, that is, for the two cardinal sins of OoT. The two things that nearly everyone who’s ever played this game will bitch about.

The first (and absolute worst) is, of course, that bitch Navi.

The second is the motherfucking Water Temple.

The overwhelming consensus among Zelda fans is that the OoT Water Temple is video game Hell. Hell is not other people, Sartre- it’s that piece-of-crap dungeon sandwiched in the middle of the goodness that is OoT.

Now, I’m going to set the record straight. People often say that the Water Temple sucks because it is hard. This is a misnomer. The Water Temple is not a difficult temple, per say. Instead, it is poorly designed and incredibly fucking tedious.

The layout is just crap. There are three levels, only accessible by raising and lowering the water level at three points around the temple. If you forget to do even one goddamn thing on one of these levels when the water level is at the right point, you have to drag your ass to all of these stupid level-changing points in order to fix it. It adds a whole new type of fuckery to having to backtrack to find a key or flip a switch.

Here’s how I know the layout blows like the wind in Chicago. I have played OoT so many times since I was a kid that I have literally lost track (for comparison’s sake, I know that I’ve played Mass Effect 8 times). The result of this is that my brain is now hard-wired with the layouts of the dungeons. I can navigate almost every dungeon without giving it a second thought.

I say “almost” because I cannot fucking run on autopilot through the Water Temple. In fact, I still get as lost in there as I did the first time I played the game. While playing this afternoon, I literally found myself muttering “I am so fucking lost” repeatedly during this level.

There’s also an entire goddamn corridor you can traverse that leads to… a Gold Skulltula. Gold Skulltulas are fucking useless (that’s a lie, but they are a huge side quest and are totally unnecessary to finish and enjoy the game). Especially when you need one more goddamn key, and you went all that way just to find a Gold Skulltula.

I wanted to throw the controller through the television.

On top of the ridiculous water level changes and craptastic layout, there are the iron boots. The iron boots (rather obviously) let you sink to the bottom of large bodies of water. Taking them off makes you float. Pretty basic concept.

One that is mercilessly beaten to death in the Water Temple. You are switching between the iron and regular boots every three seconds. In order to do so, you have to hit Start and go into your inventory. It takes for-fucking-ever.

Walk ten steps.
Hit Start.
Put on iron boots.
Sink to bottom of submerged corridor.
Walk eight steps.
Hit Start.
Put on regular boots.
Float to top of submerged corridor.
Walk five steps.
Hit a switch.
Turn around.
Five steps.
Start.
Iron boots.
Eight steps.
Start.
Regular boots.
Ten steps.
Repeat ad nauseum.

On top of all that shit, the Water Temple is just fucked up. Almost immediately, a fish woman who claims to be your fiancée (long story stemming from earlier in the game) accosts you.

Hey there, hot stuff. Wanna come back to my place and fertilize my eggs?

And then you get chased by fucking water spiders. Oh, and spiked balls. That’s right- motherfucking balls of spikes… that happen to turn into rocks if you hit them with your hookshot.

Wait, what?!

And did I mention that none of your hard-earned items even work underwater? That’s right- you have this entire bloody arsenal that you can’t fucking use. All you can do is run around, crying and shooting your grappling hook at the spike balls.

How in the hell is that effective?

I’ll grant you that the Water Temple doesn’t have the worst song in the game (though it doesn’t have the best, either- the best is the Spirit Temple)… OH WAIT. That’s right. While the temple’s song might not suck, the only fucking song you use in the Temple is Zelda’s motherfucking Lullaby (which is the worst song in the game).

Still, I will grant you this- after all the shit you go through to get through it, defeating the Water Temple is pretty much the most satisfying moment of your video game career.

I wish someone would just come up with a cheat code to skip that whole goddamn place…

As an amusing note, I got really stuck at one point in the temple because I’m a fucking retard- I kept trying to pull a block that I was supposed to be pushing. Ten minutes and a lot of frustration later, an angry twitch of my thumb on the joystick revealed my mistake… I’m a dumbass.

But don’t let that fool you- the Water Temple blows. Even Eiji Aonuma (the creator of OoT) apologized for it.

Anyway, now it’s on to the Shadow Temple for me. Mummies, zombie-undead, hover boots, invisible creatures and room entrances, a motherfucking ghost ship…

Much better.

***

Also, can I just say that this week’s episode of TBBT was adorable and one of my favorite thus far? Because it was. We got to meet Joyce Kim and the old neighbor, find out how the elevator got broken, see what all the characters were like 7 years ago, watch the roommate agreement being drawn up, and have a few laughs at old technology. And the Firefly bit had me in stitches.

The best part, of course, was seeing how far Sheldon has come since he first met the guys. As hard as it might be to believe, he’d grown a lot even before Penny was introduced to the gang.

And, while that was great to see, I’m still terribly uncomfortable with them attempting the “love interest” storyline with Sheldon again next week. We had Ramona before, which was hilarious, but this time… I don’t know. Maybe, like Sheldon, I’m adverse to too much change in his character. I love that he’s a nonsexual entity on the program, and I’m sorry, but I really don’t want that to change.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it. We’ll see what Lorre and crew toss at us with this Blossom character.

One response to “The Water Temple Sucks Harder Than Miley Cyrus in Her As-Of-Yet-Unreleased Sex Tape (Trust Me, It’s Coming)

  1. I came across this post while seeing is anyone ELSE bothered to tally how many times they took off and put on boots while in this godforsaken place. I got 92. Just let that set in a moment.

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