The Do-It-Yourself Guide to Doing “It” Yourself

Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom

~Coin-Operated Boy The Dresden Dolls

Galleons, with a recession-driven money shortage hanging over our heads, it’s really no wonder that people are turning toward making their own products whenever possible. And while the kitschy “DIY” gift ideas and home decorating solutions often make me want to retch all over the middle-aged women and indie twats leading the DIY charge, there are also some delightfully ingenius ideas.

This post is a love letter to the ingenuity of the fiscally downtrodden, sexually voracious masses.

***

Do-it-yourself sex toys.

Our story begins a few days ago, when I received a link to this website. After perusing the site’s contents and giggling like a 12-year-old boy peeking into the basement where his 16-year-old sister is having a sleepover with her friends, I started thinking. This site cannot be alone in sharing with the world of the interweb the ins-and-outs of making your own masturbatory aids.

And so began my journey through the poorly designed websites (DIY ingenuity only extends so far, I guess), where I found… well, let me share.

To preface this, there are tons of homemade sex toys for couples, but I’m focusing my attention solely on those meant for solo flights. Because, let’s face it, if you don’t have someone, you need the toys more than the damn couple does.

For the Ladies

Actually, there aren’t a lot of DIY masturbatory aids for the women folk. Which isn’t all that surprising, seeing as all it takes is a vaguely phallic found object for a lady to get down and dirty for cheap. Vegetables. Hairbrushes. Electric toothbrushes. Kitchen utensils. Screwdrivers. Or you can just hump a beach ball (that was an actual suggestion on a site… I fail to see how that one is worth your time).

But, I did manage to dig up a few. Like the ice dildo:

To make this chilling creation, fill a condom with water and put it in the freezer. Wait for that phase change and BAM! A popsicle for your pussy.

And, unlike those pesky store bought dildos that can be inconveniently discovered by a visiting friend or elderly, religious relative, the ice cock will just melt away, leaving no trace of its existence behind.

That’s really it in terms of making your own dildo (unless you can whittle… or blow glass… or something). But hell, I found plenty of things you can strap one to for a good time. Pumpkins. Mattresses. Teeter totters (for the kids). Mechanical bulls.

…Teddy bears:

Bringing a new meaning to “raping your childhood.”

The most complex of these, however, has to be the bedcycle:

Wee!

If you’re feeling particularly handy, rip a bicycle apart and try to craft some version of that bad boy. Get off and get in shape? Sounds like a plan.

For the Gents

The guys, unlike the ladies, are much more inventive in their quest for a homemade masturbatory tool.

Now, the fleshlight is the primary male sex aid sold in stores. So, of course, many an intrepid bastard has set out to make his own pocket pussy. And, while not necessarily pocket-sized, the chronically horny and mildly creative have come up with a few variations on the same theme.

The basic components vary. Latex gloves, trash bags, or condoms fitted within a tightly rolled towel or bit of foam or sheet of bubble wrap, which is sometimes stuffed into a jar or toilet paper tube or potato chip can. For further details, please consult this gem of a video.

But for some, it’s not just about having a place to stick your prick. Some men want more. More stimulation. More thrill. A chance to do things to themselves they only wish they had the flexibility to do without aid.

And that’s why the auto-fellatio device came into being. Basically, find a piece of PVC pipe (not one with too small an opening, however, or you might end up like this guy), lube the crap out of the inside, slip one end on your junk, put the other to your lips, and proceed to pump and suck to your little heart’s content:

For the strangest variation on that, stuff some of those soft plastic squeeze toys for dogs into a rubber glove. While that doesn’t really look like something I’d stick my hypothetical dick in, hey, whatever floats your boat, folks. The demonstration video for this one is rather disturbing… with those marching band gloves and lack of music or narration, I can’t tell if I’m watching a how-to video for a sex toy, a magic trick, or a serial murder:

But ladies aren’t the only ones who can use found objects for their pleasure. From the seat cushions of a couch to a hole cut in a pumpkin (I’m sure the squishy innards are very… uh… interesting), there are plenty of things out there for blokes to hump.

However, all of these things pale in comparison to the greatest, most terrifying homemade device of all. Behold, the electric cheese grater cum masturbator:

<insert dick cheese joke here>

***

Of course, there are plenty of drawbacks to DIY sex toys (beyond the fear of cock grating). Store-bought sex toys are made from hypoallergenic materials. Remember, the skin inside the vagina and anus absorbs substances quickly. You can have a serious reaction fast to an object inserted into the body if it’s covered in an irritant or allergen. Fruits and vegetables can have pesticide residue on them. Wood can be covered in laminates. Many people have latex allergies they aren’t aware of.

Another thing to remember is the skin of the genitals is extremely sensitive. Which means its easy to chafe, pinch, and rub raw.

But the most important rule of all when dealing with homemade sex toys is this: don’t get that shit stuck up/to your business. Seriously. This is one of the most common situations medical professionals face when working in an ER. Don’t believe me? Go here. It’s a list of foreign objects recovered from the rectums of patients.

REMEMBER: AVOID THE VACUUM SEAL.

***

Okay, so this post was a lot of mockery and incredulousness.

I am not good at writing love letters.

***

As an amusing (and vaguely horrifying) sidebar, when I was writing the bit about the teddy bear with a strap-on, I wandered over to Facebook for a moment.

Where I was shown an ad promoting “Build-a-Bear.”

Damn you, Facebook. You’re good.

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