Papering the Lady Walls: The Handy Guide to Vaginal Adornment

THIS POST IS CHOCK FULL OF IMAGES THAT ARE NSFW. I would suggest not continuing if you are currently in the office [and value your job], a small child [get off the internet and play outside or something], or Kinsey-6 gay [i.e. images of vaginas will make you cringe in disgust].

Mere months ago, dear galleons, I mentioned the whole “vajazzling” craze in passing during a post about depilation. But now, we’re going to delve deeper into the world of vaginal adornment, revealing the myriad ways ladies attempt to make their girly bits more… scintillating.

Jewelry

We begin with jewelry, that most basic of adornment. Clitoral and labial piercings are rather well known, so I don’t want to spend a great deal of time discussing them. It is worth noting, however, that there are way more piercing options for female genitalia than most people are familiar with.

The fact that the area is so sensitive, however, leads many women (myself included) to shy away from the piercing track. On a personal note, I’m loathe to allow a piercer near my most intimate of regions simply because I’ve seen too many botched ear and facial piercings to have much faith in a piercer operating in a bodily region that requires the highest degree of precision to be pierced properly.

However, that doesn’t stop ladies from decking out their vaginas in gold chains and tiny jewels. Like young children whose parents won’t let them get their ears pierced and wear clip-on earrings instead, ladies have the option of clip-on vajewelry.

There are two basic types that I unearthed (that didn’t just appear to be modified g-strings with strange golden pieces covering/framing the vagina): clit clips and labial clips.

Clit clips look a little something like this:

That rounded top bit slips around the clitoris (over the hood), gently clipping on and holding in place. The bars then slip over the inner labial walls, delicately pinching them together. In effect, this device clamps your cooch closed. But hey, at least your downstairs sparkles like Tiffany’s display:

Along the same vein, we have the labial clips (rather hilariously referred to as “pussy dangles”):

Essentially, you just gently squeeze those rings until they are “clipped” onto your outer labia, and (in the words of one website), ” Allow the linking chain to softly brush against the clitoris. Pussy jewelery tickles the inner thighs creating a stimulating effect with every movement.” Like so:

I feel like there is something Freudian to be said about women wanting to affix something dangling to their genitals. Maybe, instead of penis envy, we all just have ball envy.

Regardless, if jewelry on the vagina isn’t quite your style, maybe some sparkle above your vagina is…

Vajazzling

That’s right, we’re going to revisit the practice of vajazzling, if only because I think the word is giggle-worthy. Basically, you go in, get a Brazilian, then someone applies tiny Swarovski crystals to your pubis, turning you into a one-woman sexual disco:

A little KC and the Sunshine Band, anyone?

But ever since Jennifer Love Hewitt’s television vindication of the whole vajazzling thing, the need for crystal-covered cooters has swept the nation. And so, the market has stepped up to supply a range of do-it-yourself home vajazzling kits. Less of the intricacy of the salon versions and more of the trampy, high school prom vibe. Still, I suppose that’s enough for some women.

It just begs the question: what’s the next step? Clitter?

Clitter just seems like the sparkling STD you would get if you boned Edward Cullen…

But if you are interested in the idea of pubis decorating but are adverse to the shimmer and sparkle of those little crystals, there’s another option…

Vatooing

Yes, the string of ridiculous portmanteaus continues.

Now, while some women are bold enough to actually tattoo their pubis (still my plan, by the by), for the rest, there are temporary versions available. And no, I’m not talking about those crappy peel-and-stick or lick-and-press varieties you get out of a gumball machine or off the wrappers of Fruit Stripe gum. Once again, we turn to salons, where the process is quite similar to that of vajazzling… only it takes less time.

After a Brazilian, a stencil design is placed on your pubis and the design is airbrushed onto your skin:

Of course, with both the vajazzling and twatooing (I think I like this version better), the designs are only supposed to last about a week. So long as you avoid excessive friction. Sexing up the lady parts and then being unable to actually get down and dirty?

Tease.

Styling of Pubic Hair

Maybe adding extra bits of flair to your girly bits isn’t your thing. Perhaps you’d rather just work with what’s already there.

Women have been shaving, sculpting, and shaping their pubic hair for quite some time now. From the more basic trims and landing strips to the slightly more advanced shapes like stars and hearts, ladies have been trimming their topiary to whatever tickles their fancy.

Must... not... make.... heart-shaped box... joke...

But, as is the case with the hair on our heads, sometimes it’s just not enough to cut and style your locks. Sometimes, you want to add a punch of color. However, regular hair dye is a bit too strong to be using on your pubic hair. But never fear. There are now varieties of dye specifically formulated to help you match the carpet to the drapes. Or, if you’re feeling bold, to spice up your genitals for a bit of excitement.

And, while most folks are more interested in trimming and removing their pubic hair, others want to add to it. Which brings us to the piece of vaginal decor that started this whole post…

Merkins

Vagina wigs.

Supposedly, the merkin has its roots in history. As early as 1450, women were using them for various reasons. Due to the unsanitary conditions of the time, sometimes the only way to deal with an outbreak of, say, pubic lice was to shave the region in question. Ladies would then opt to wear a wig over the area. A vaginal toupée, if you will. Merkins were more commonly used, however,  by those with a seedier profession (i.e. prostitutes) to cover the evidence of sexually transmitted diseases.

This chick, for example, could really use one.

Over time, the merkin evolved into a tool used onstage to cover a man’s genitals when playing a woman (as women weren’t allowed onstage). And now, it’s become a decorative object (and, apparently, a fairly standard piece of the drag queen’s wardrobe). Or a device used by comedians crashing royal parties. Or a way for Hollywood actresses to bring their pubic region up to the bush standards of years gone by. Your choice.

There are many types of merkins, though I found it surprisingly difficult to track down places that sold them online.

First, we have the attempts at a realistic merkin, which has a tendency to look like a fake goatee for a villainous stage character:

To the still vaguely attempting realism merkin+brief combo:

To the utterly decorative, complete with feathers:

Or fur:

According to one designer, the purpose of these latter, purely decorative merkins are, “to be fun, outrageous and creative. They never replicate the look of real pubic hair, but are all about just making a statement and surprising people.”

So, I suppose if you are going for some sort of shock factor, a merkin would be for you. It’s certainly the last thing most men would expect when a lady slips off her lingerie.

Then again, is it really much worse than a glitter-encrusted snatch?

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