“Lie Back and Think of England”

Galleons, I just can’t resist doing a post about sex toys once every few weeks. And today, we’re going to get down and dirty with political figures and deities.

Ronald Reagan once said,“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” And thanks to the… ingenuity of the modern sex toy market, we’re closing the gap even more. With political sex toys.

We begin with President Barack Obama, who has actually been the basis for a variety of sex toys. And who can blame the manufacturers of these products? After all, Obama’s considered by many to be a rather attractive guy. I’m sure many a lady has fantasized about taking Michelle’s place in his bed. And, while that will never happen, ladies, BEHOLD! You can still get the president near your genitals, either as a sculpted dildo or the Obamarator:

Supposing you aren’t satisfied with a miniature replica, there are inflatable Obamas out there that are sure to Ba-rock your world, along with all the inflatable ladies. But of particular note was the fact that we now have the Obamanator:

Then again, maybe Obama’s not your president of choice. Maybe you long for the days when ol’ Bush was still in office. Don’t worry- your days of dreaming of your smooth-talking southerner are over. Just for you folks, I present the George Bush butt plug:

Then again, maybe you were looking for something a little more vanilla. Like a love doll version of Alaska’s pride and joy, Sarah Palin.

If those last objects titillated you, you may be a God-fearing Christian. And if that’s the case, there’s a whole slew of additional products you might be interested in. The Jackhammer Jesus seems to be for the more sadistic believers (because whether or not he “died for your sins,” I think it’s a bit bizarre to be getting off using a man being tortured), while the Bible Thumper lets you find out just how good that book really is.

But my favorite, of course, has to be the Baby Jesus Butt Plug:

And don’t forget about that temptress herself, the Virgin Mary, now a vibrating tease of a love doll. As the website says, “Holy fuck!” Which matched my reaction when I saw the doll’s face:

I would not stick my dick in that.

But let’s not limit ourselves to Christianity here. There’s also the dildo sculpted to look like the benevolent Buddha, as well as a strange purple egg known only as Shiva:

Considering Shiva is the destroyer, I’d think twice about letting this thing come near my lady bits…

But enough of that.

Let’s talk about what started this whole post.

The Royal Wedding

As a self-proclaimed Anglophile, does it really surprise you that I followed the Royal Wedding?

Well, it should. Because I didn’t.

That being said, it’s been rather hard to avoid hearing about it. Pictures of Will and Kate graced the cover of every shitty tabloid my coworkers read. Talk of “who-wore-what” slipped into major newscasts. Trust me, I’ve heard about it. And I’m sure you have as well.

Just not like this.

While talk of a Kate Middleton sex doll was all a hoax (for now), that doesn’t mean dear Prince William has escaped unscathed. And are you really surprised? He’s been the sexy British darling for years, the most eligible bachelor in Europe. Girls who know next-to-nothing about the Royal Family or British government swoon when they see images of the dashing prince. And, while they might not have landed Prince William, they can settle for a torrid affair with Prince Willy Yum:

You know it’s the real deal because of the crown on its royal head.

Yes, the Royal Wedding was a big deal. And every knickknack shop in the greater Britain area was endeavoring to create Kate+Will memorabilia. While some were out selling their mugs and toilet seat covers, others had naughtier things in mind.

First, we have the oh-so-classy Crown Jewels condoms. Containing three individually wrapped condoms in a ‘timeless souvenir heirloom collector’s box,’ these condoms combine ‘the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be.’

But the fun doesn’t stop there. To honor Will and Kate exchanging rings, a special royal wedding ring has been created for a more intimate ceremony:

I can’t help but feel Prince Albert would approve of this…

***

I learned something today, galleons. Those poor Putin Girls will have to make do with their imaginings and crappy boyfriends, as there are absolutely no sex toys fashioned in the likeness of dear Vlad. Alas.

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