THIS POST IS CHOCK FULL OF IMAGES THAT ARE NSFW. I would suggest not continuing if you are currently in the office [and value your job], a small child [get off the internet and play outside or something], or a sufferer of phallophobia [you poor bastard].
Galleons, in the spring we did a post about adorning the lady bits, so I feel its only fair that we give the gents equal time. To be perfectly honest, I meant to do this follow-up post some time ago, but I got distracted by other topics and forgot about my plans. I have a bad habit of doing that.
But, we’re doing it now. So, without any further ado, let’s get to it.
Just like the ladies, men find themselves frequently shoving needles into their genitals in order to affix shiny bits to them. Personally, I can’t see the appeal of a bolt through the cock, but since most women are much like cats in their penchant for being irresistibly drawn to shiny objects (which, I maintain, is one of the main reasons the diamond industry exists… I really don’t understand the whole lady/diamond relationship- I’m more of a star sapphire girl myself), I guess adding a bit of penile bling might draw some women in. Maybe.
Regardless, men also have the option of pierced/non-pierced jewelry options. But since they are men, we find less of the crystals/jewels (… with the exception of this) and delicate chains and more of the of stainless steel rods and balls.
Again, cock piercings are fairly well-known to the general public. Well, the Prince Albert is, at least. But the Prince Albert is only one of many options for men looking to pierce their junk.
I’m going to say this right now- you are not lacking in machismo if you shudder at the thought of a heavily tattooed man approaching your penis with a large, sharp needle. In fact, I think you are simply possessed of basic sanity.
But, even if you can’t stomach someone adding extra holes to your genitals, you can still get your cock jewelry fix. There are two primary types- insertion pieces and clamp/wrap pieces.
Insertion pieces (penis plugs) are terrifying metal rods you shove up your urethra and that feature some sort of decorative end bit that projects from the head of your cock like you just jizzed a quicksilver sculpture.
Here’s one in action, in case you lack the imagination to picture this:
And if shoving a rod up your urethra seems a bit… bizarre/extreme/ridiculous/insane, you can still adorn your junk with gleaming bits of metal. The simplest bit of cock jewelry is a glans ring, which is just a ring of metal you slip around the rim of the head.
But maybe this isn’t enough for you. Maybe you like your dick adornments to resemble kitchen accessories:
No, this is not a whisk. This is a variety of cock cage (also called chastity cages, for obvious reasons). I don’t really see the appeal of locking your bits up, but hey, I also don’t have a cock. So maybe I’m not the most qualified individual to judge.
Not all cock cages are this… restricting, however. Some are simply a series of rings that attach at the base of the penis and encircle the balls.
Really more like a glorified cock ring than an actual cage, they tend to be sold under both names.
…Not really jewelry, but I really think you menfolk should consider bringing the codpiece back.
I’m just saying.
Oh, yes. This is now a thing. Ladies got to bedazzle their bits, and it made the men jealous. Why was there no option for gents to add a bit of glitter and sparkle downstairs?
…Considering the rampant fascination with sparkling vampires, this may actually be a viable way to get women into bed.
Okay, so the above image isn’t exactly accurate. Just like with the ladies, pejazzling doesn’t involve actually bejeweling the genitalia. Instead, crystals are applied to the area just above the genitals. Naturally, the developers recommend shaving the hair from the application area prior to placing the jewels on your body. And, I quote,
for the ‘very hairy’, a judicious waxing or laser session could be necessary.
…Because spending copious amounts of money on laser hair removal just so you can stick some little crystals above your package seems like an intelligent use for one’s money.
Apparently, the most popular pejazzling design is one of red crystal lips:
A none-too-delicate hint for the ladies, perhaps?
But maybe the flash and glitter of cock jewelry isn’t really your thing. Maybe what you are looking for is a more permanent adornment.
Welcome, dear galleons, to the world of pearling, where you just aren’t hardcore if your cock isn’t as studded as the dog collar around your throat.
Pearling is the insertion of metal or plastic beads (usually about 1/4″ in diameter) beneath the shaft skin or foreskin of the penis. This can be done in one of two ways (…galleons, prepare yourselves for some rather graphic images if you click the next two links).
The first way is a modified piercing procedure, using either a scalpel or a large-gauge piercing needle. Two holes are required for insertion, which apparently limits the size of the pearls that can be inserted in this manner, but it’s apparently no more painful than your average genital piercing (which I don’t find to be terrible reassuring).
The second method is an actual implant technique. A small, single incision is made a small distance from the implant site. A device (…called a “spatula”) is inserted into the incision, creating a little tunnel/pocket to the implant site. The bead is then shoved into the pocket, and the incision is sutured or taped up. This method is more invasive and painful, but it requires fewer incisions and can support larger implants.
However you choose to get it done, the end result is a penis that is basically “textured for her pleasure” and looks like you have a strange case of genital warts.
But if you think pearling is your only option when it comes to penis modification, oh boy, am I here to burst your naive little bubble. There are myriad ways to slice-and-dice your dick to give it strange, alien shapes.
Like genital bisection.
No, that is not something out of a horror movie or a surrealist painting. It is an actual bisected penis.
Not into the full bisection? Don’t worry- there are other options. Like subincision, where you just split the underside of the penis:
Or meatotomy, where the glans is split:
Or inversion, where the top and bottom of the shaft is split, but the glans remain intact. This allows you to… to… to turn your penis inside out.
…I have no words for this.
But the varieties of bisection aren’t the only form of dick modding. There’s also the dorsal slit, where an incision is made along the top of the foreskin, exposing the glans without removing any actual tissue:
This is also known as a superincision, and it’s an alternative to circumcision.
It’s not the prettiest way to expose the glans, but it’s an option.
If a single needle coming near your dick just once for a piercing isn’t appealing, I doubt you’re going to be interested in a gun with multiple needles repeatedly stabbing into your member, but some people are dedicated to their ink. Very dedicated.
It’s absolutely possible to tattoo the penis. An experienced artist won’t have much of an issue doing it, and while many men get a bit nervous about the experience (not just the needles, but the possibility of becoming aroused during the process), tattoo artists are professionals and shouldn’t make you any more uncomfortable than the procedure will already be. It’s their responsibility to stretch the skin to properly ink your dick, so just relax and let them do their job.
But if you are going to tattoo your junk… what would you get?
A helpful tip?
Something with a touch of whimsy?
As with all tattoos, the sky’s the limit. You can basically get anything inked into your flesh, so if this is what you want, come up with something good. I mean, an inked prick is already going to cause ladies to pause to check it out- make it worth their while.
Sadly, just like ladies, men often find the need to take a razor to their downstairs region. There are many supposed advantages to manscaping, the primary one being that trimming/removing pubic hair will make your penis look larger. Which, granted, is true. However, it doesn’t actually change the size of your dick, so I just don’t see the point. It doesn’t enhance the pleasure of the lady (in fact, it can subtract from it a bit- hair has delightful friction and the rubbing of pubic hair against the clitoris during intercourse can be very stimulating). It may make a woman more amenable to oral, but bitches need to get over their prissy issues with that anyway.
Still, it can also cut down on trapped smells and sweat, which keeps you… fresher down there, which is certainly a plus.
And you have a variety of styles to choose from. You can crop it, shape it, remove as much or as little as you want. It’s up to you. Here’s a handy guide for some basic manscaping styles.
It’s a matter of personal preference, as all hair removal is. Some men prefer it, some ladies prefer it. Just be careful- that’s a sensitive area to shave, fellas.
There’s less of a stigma around male pubic hair than there is for ladies. We’re pretty much expected to, at the very least, trim the bush up and keep a neat house. You gents, on the other hand, can easily get away with letting the jungle run rampant.
Personally, I prefer a man who doesn’t tamper much with his pubic hair. Men are naturally hairier than women, and I like a man who embraces his masculinity by keeping a razor away from his bits.
Someone I know said it best:
Let the tree stand proud among the grasslands, not in the open and arid desert.
If I wanted to be with someone hairless, I’d be a lesbian. Or a child molester.
Anyway, since we’re on the subject, enjoy the following: