Robert’s Rules of Bedroom Conduct: A Handy Reference

Galleons, there aren’t any solid rules of sexual conduct. Oh sure, there are guidelines. Mores. Traditions. But not a set of rules that set up an orderly, tidy method of doing things while engaged in coitus.

Some may argue that sex is wild and passionate and messy and complicated and that a set of rules cannot possibly hope to exist for it. Not only would it never work, but it would ruin the act by trying to impose structure upon it.

But really, the same can be said of a good debate, and Robert’s Rules don’t dilute the process- they streamline it. And wouldn’t it be so much easier if there were rules for this kind of engagement? Hell, I own an entire book dedicated to rules for seduction- why can’t there be rules for banging as well?

Well galleons, here they are.

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This is a brief summary of Robert’s Rules of Bedroom Conduct, a way to ensure fair and orderly sexins. They provide common rules and procedures for foreplay and coitus in order to place all parties on the same footing and have them speaking the same language. The conduct of all business is controlled by the general will of all parties- the right of the majority to decide. Complementary is the right of at least a strong minority to require the majority to act according to its considered judgment after a thorough and fair working through of the issues involved.

Robert’s Rules provide for constructive and democratic sexual escapades, to help, not hinder, the business of banging. Under no circumstances should undue strictness be allowed to intimidate members or limit full participation.

Remember, the partnership rules. It has the final say on everything. So speak up- silence means consent.

To obtain control of the encounter, be the first to straddle, mount, or pin your partner against a handy wall/bed/floor/elevator door/tree/rock/counter/bookcase/exercise ball/swing/stool/pile of leaves, etc. You must be recognized by your partner as an acceptable and desired mate before continuing. The encounter cannot begin until the partner in control has asked (via body language or verbal question) permission and been granted consent for the encounter.

Before any position is initiated, both partners may suggest modifications or additions. If the dominant modifies the position, the consenting partner may withdraw their consent.

No partner can engage in oral until the other partner has agreed to reciprocation (or giving partner has agreed to a suspension of the reciprocity rule).

All exclamations, remarks, and cries of passion must be directed to the current partner. The innocuous “god” may be substituted in place of current partner’s name. Referring to current partner by a previous partner’s name is a strict violation of the code of conduct. Remarks must be bedroom-courteous in phrasing and deportment- while “dirty talk” is acceptable, disparaging comments on a partner’s physical appearance or technique (excludes polite and constructive criticism/tips for sexual development) is prohibited.

The sexual agenda is merely a recommendation. When presented to the partnership and the encounter begins, changes can occur.

The following are the rules and terms one must learn in order to effectively enact an orderly bedroom encounter:

  • Point of Privilege: Pertains to noise, personal comfort, etc. – may interrupt the act only if necessary.
  • Copulation Inquiry: Inquire as to the correct motion – to accomplish a desired result, or raise a point of order.
  • Point of Information: Generally applies to information desired from the partner. “I should like to ask the gentleman a question.”
  • Orders of the Day/Night/Evening/Morning/Lunch Hour/Vacation/Honeymoon: A call to adhere to the sexual agenda (a deviation from the agreed-upon agenda/tossing it right out the window requires Suspending the Rules).
  • Point of Order: Infraction of the rules, or improper decorum in fucking. Must be raised immediately after the error is made.
  • Main Motion: Brings new business (the next act/position on the agenda) before the partners.
  • Divide the Question: Divides an act into two or more separate acts (must be able to satisfy on their own).
  • Consider by Position: Satisfaction of encounter is held until all positions are explored and exhausted; after all positions are considered, the entire encounter is then open to oral or penetrative amendment, and previous positions may be further explored. Any cuddling/afterglow activity cannot be considered until examination/satisfaction of the body of the partner has ceased.
  • Amend: Revisiting toys, acts, or positions, or substituting entire positions or acts for previous ones (requires redaction of memories of unsatisfactory positions or acts).
  • Refer to Group: Used when a position or act is in question in regards to satisfaction. State the group to review the position or act; if no group exists include size and composition of group desired and method of selecting the members.
  • Extend Encounter: Applies only to the current encounter; extends until a certain time or for a certain period of time.
  • Limit Encounter: Stops sexual congress at a certain time, or limits an encounter to a certain period of time (i.e. quickies).
  • Postpone to a Certain Time: State the time the position or act will be resumed (used primarily in regards to anal).
  • Object to Consideration: Objection must be stated before cuddling or another position/act is started.
  • Lay on the Table (Bed/Counter/Ottoman, etc.): Self-explanatory.
  • Take from the Table (same as above): Not to be confused with “Take on the Table” (rewording of previous term). States the encounter is to be moved from the table to another location.
  • Reconsider: Can be made only by one who has been made to suddenly change position or view.
  • Postpone Indefinitely: Kills the session- exception: the motion to reconsider can be made at this time. Begging and sniveling violates the rules of conduct.
  • Close Encounter: Ends encounter (if satisfactory). May also simply state To Adjourn.
  • Appeal Decision of the Dominant: Appeals dominant’s last action/decision- must be settled before intercourse is resumed; NOT debatable if relates to decorum or violation of rules.
  • Suspend the Rules: Allows a violation of the partnership’s own rules; the object of the suspension must be specified.

All positions/acts/toys must be agreed upon by all members of the encounter. All votes require unanimous consent, with the exception of motions to adjourn session (which requires only one vote in favor to go into action). After a motion is made, debate may occur until either partner calls for a vote, at which point debate ceases and a decision is made. This decision can be appealed once. After this, the decision is considered final. There is to be no further discussion of the decision. Whining is prohibited.

***

Can you imagine the reaction you’d get if you yelled out, “Point of Order!” while in bed with a guy? It would be PRICELESS.

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