If You Build It, They Will Cum

Our goal is nothing less than to survive the apocalypse to come in comfort and luxury, whether that catastrophe takes the form of fireballs flung Earthward by an all-seeing deity, extended torrential rainfall, Biblical rapture, an earthquake-driven mega-tsunami, radioactive flesh-eating zombies, or some combination of the above. ~Pink Visual website

From fallout shelters to zombie survival plans, people have been planning for the apocalypse for years now. But the latest plan floating around puts all others to shame in terms of its… opulence.

Pink Visual, a porn studio (if you didn’t guess that from the name, I’m disappointed in you, galleons), has decided to construct its very own porn bunker to ride out doomsday. And no, I’m not talking about the box of dirty mags a 12-year-old hides under his bed and might cheekily refer to as his “porn bunker.” I’m talking about a full-out bomb shelter, complete with film studio, microbrewery, performance stage, and co-ed showers.


The 8200 square foot compound is meant to hold 1200- 1500 people, including the Pink Visual staff (naturally) and their families, performers, business partners, and fans. Yes, fans. Which begs the question:

Just how are those fans supposed to secure a seat to this end-of-the-world super orgy?

Spokesman Quentin Boyer says, “It’s probably going to be a combo of merit-based — what sort of skill set can you bring down with you? — and a lottery that favors our fans and members.”

A lottery, not for Shirley Jackson’s favored stoning, but for skanky pornstar boning.

Pink Visual is confident that all major construction on the bunker (which is going to be located somewhere in the San Fernando Valley, though the exact location is not being disclosed due to “security concerns”) will be completed by September of 2012, and will be fully operational before December 21.

The date those pesky Mayans have everyone believing is the date of the apocalypse, remember?

 “We need to allow time for extensive quality control of our critical infrastructure, and the move-in process itself will be a logistical challenge,” Boyer said. “We’re still working on oxygen, that kind of thing.”

I tell you, Britney Spears should be suing the pants off these people (or on, perhaps… they are porn producers, after all). They totally stole the idea of a post-apocalyptic underground strip club from her:

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