“Stimulating” the Inner Child

As children, we all had a toy box, a mystical home for all the wonderful, colorful contraptions we’d accumulated to keep us entertained for hours on the floor of our bedroom (or the stairs or front lawn or wherever we ended up).

And then we grow up. And we keep a new toy box, a mystical home for all the wonderful, colorful contraptions we’ve accumulated to keep us… entertained for hours on the floor of our bedroom (or the stairs… or bed… or wherever we end up).

But this second toy box is for adults only. The new toys may, like many of the old, require batteries. Some may even read “some assembly required.” But it’s a rather large step from a toy box filled with these to a toy box full of these.

At least, it should be.

Unfortunately, those two toy boxes are starting to look eerily similar for some. More and more sex toys are playing to our inner child, to our sense of fun and whimsy, instead of just being good ol’ practical fucksticks.

And while I’m all for having fun while doing the sex, there are some things my inner child shouldn’t be a part of. Like my masturbatory practices.

Come, galleons. Let’s take a tour of some of the more disturbing cutesy, childlike toys made for nether stimulation.

***

We’ll begin with a perennial favorite (and one we’ve mentioned on here before)- the Hello Kitty vibrator. To me, this always looks like it should be called “My First Vibrator” and should be marketed to tweens.

On the subject of tweens and sex toys, I was just reading about a mother who bought her 12-year-old her very first vibrator (it wasn’t specified that it was the Hello Kitty model, but I like to think it was). Of course, people threw a shit-fit when they heard a mother was buying her young daughter a sex toy. “Oh em gee, it promotes the sex in teh childrenz, you is a bad parent!”

It’s hard to say whether a Toys For Tweens initiative would curb tween sex rates or send them through the roof, but I’m thinking it probably wouldn’t have a major impact either way. Kids are going to start masturbating and exploring their bodies as older tweens and young teens. It’s what they does. And, while I think those damn kids should have to sneakily acquire their own goddamn vibrators/porn/etc. like the rest of us did… pretending like tweens and teens aren’t aware of their burgeoning sexuality (a phrase I love to hate) is just ridiculous.

Frankly, it was awkward enough the day my mother bought me my first training bra (…and I still am confused as to what that bra was training me and the girls to do). I can’t even imagine the levels of uncomfortableness that would be reached if my mother had bought me my very first vibrator.

*shudders at the thought*

But, let’s get back to the topic at hand. Because the Hello Kitty vibe is just the tip of the iceberg here.

Another classic questionable sex toy is the vibrating ducky. Disguised as an innocuous rubber ducky, this vibe can supposedly just chill in your bathroom. Because, you know, most adults have rubber duckies that hang out by the bathtub. Nothing suspicious about that at all.

Ducks aren’t your only option for little vibrating animals, though. And, like the duck, all of them seem to have a children’s toy look-alike (to make this even more disturbing).

Like the vibrating penguin

And this Madagascar penguin Weeble Wobble doll

Or this little green caterpillar

And the classic Gloworm doll

And how about these oh-so-sexy vibrating beetles?

Don’t they just remind you of something you’d make in the Creepy Crawlers oven (the male version of the Easy Bake oven)?

But just because they don’t have an exact kiddie duplicate (…actually, they might, but I’m too lazy to try to find them) doesn’t mean the following toys are any less disturbing.

Actually, the first time I saw these, I honestly thought they were children’s toys. The design and packaging look like something you’d find in the toy aisle, right next to the My Little Ponies. It’s only upon further review that they are revealed to be used for general naughtiness (even the ambiguously labelled lube packet doesn’t help… Moist? What the fuck does that mean?).

And what the hell is this?

Baby toy? Back massager? Baby back massager?

No. This is the OCTOPUSSY, some sort of vibrating arousal machine. Its actually one of the more confusing toys in this post, at least for me. I mean, it not only looks nothing like a sex toy, but it just doesn’t seem like a practical item. Its shape doesn’t seem conducive to sexy fun times. Neck and shoulder relief? Sure. Clitoral stimulation? Not so much.

Not that it can’t be used as such- ladies try stimulating their clits with all kind of funky-shaped vibrating items. But if I’m going to be buying something specifically for that purpose, I’m going to buy something with a shape that really maximizes ease and pleasure.

Maybe I’m just too lazy to appreciate this toy’s genius.

This toy seems to be playing on multiple items from my childhood. It appears to be a Littlest Pet Shop critter perched atop the vibrating equivalent of one of those multi-colored pens. Shit, add some Lisa Frank stickers to it and young girls all over will club you to death to get their hands on it.

Now, this particular toy isn’t just disturbing, but it has a tragic story behind it. Flexi Felix was once one of the Microsoft Office assistants, you know. It was a cushy gig. He just had to chill in the corner of the screen, offering unhelpful “tips” to users of the Office programs. His career looked bright.

And then that fucking paperclip came along and ruined everything. Fired from Microsoft land, poor Felix was forced to do more and more degrading work to get by.

And now he works as anal beads. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Speaking of which, who knew the depths teddy bears would sink to just to stay in our lives?

But nothing so totally encapsulates sex toys stealing from childhood pleasures than the sex trampoline. Do you remember those heady days when you’d visit your super cool friend, that friend with a trampoline set up in their backyard? Oh, what gravity-defying fun was had. What spectacular falls and injuries we acquired. What glorious nights we spent camped out on the giant bouncy contraption, staring at the stars as we drifted off to sleep.

Naturally, as we got older, sleepovers started to get less innocent. And there were plenty of teens who fooled around on trampolines. But eventually, we had to give up the springy things. Move on. Grow up.

Until someone got the bright idea to bring them back. With a hole in the middle. For lazy, bouncy sex.

Huzzah.

And now, to round it out with something Asian (because, let’s face it, they are the masters of insane sex toys). I came across this thing early in my search and was thoroughly baffled by it:

A carrot? What the hell? Why would I disguise my dildo as a carrot? So many questions had I, but the site was not in English. With no explanation for the thing, I found myself puzzling over it. A cheeky companion to rabbit vibes, perhaps?

It was then that I realized this may be the best covering for a sex toy. It all harkens back to childhood (and you thought this didn’t tie into the rest of this post), when you’d be sitting at the dinner table, picking at the veggies on your plate. Your parents sternly tell you you have to eat all your veggies before you can leave the table. You whine. You squirm. You shove them around on your plate. And then, when mom looks away… you hide them. In your cup. In your napkin. In a houseplant. Under the cushion of the chair. ANYWHERE YOU CAN. Because there’s no way you’re eating that shit.

So, what would be the perfect shape for something you want to hide? A goddamn veggie, that’s what. We’ve been training all our lives to tuck those bad boys somewhere where the sun don’t shine and…

Good god, even I am uncomfortable with the images this is evoking. I really didn’t need to imagine young girls hiding their veggies in their nethers. I really didn’t.

I’m so sorry, galleons.

We’re done now.

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