The season of scares, sweets, and skanks is upon us, dear galleons. I thought about discussing the mechanics behind “spooky” music (I do so love when science and music get together) or giving you a list of the very best horror movies (or maybe the worst… I’m a connoisseur of camp and awful), but I decided to stay true to form and do a post about sex toys.
Make some popcorn, galleons. Shit’s about to get weird.
We’re going to start with the classic master of monstrous seduction- the vamp. Because of the popularity of vampire eroticism, this is probably your best bet for securing a themed sex toy. The allure of the vampire lies in mystery, in decadence, in the twining of fear and desire, sex and blood, life and death. Countless authors and filmmakers have built upon these terrifying, sexual creatures, creating the fetishized, sensual world of the vampire that is wildly popular today.
Needless to say, vampire sex toys are quite a hit. And there are options for both ladies and gents.
Aren’t we lucky?
For the blokes, we have a series of variations on the good ol’ vag-in-a-can. Sexy vamp mouths for fangtastic mock oral have been around for a while, actually. With such delightful names as Count Cockula and Succu Dry, there are a few varieties out there, but the only real difference between them seems to be the label on the can. But if a vampire’s toothy mouth on your dick isn’t quite enough, have no fear! Just this year, Fleshlight released a series of new fleshlights and dildos with monstrous designs (yes, we’ll be featuring most of them throughout this post), one of which is this naughty little number:
But if you would rather have a he-vamp come a knocking downstairs, you’re still covered. First, we have the dildo match to the lady vamp vag- the Drac:
I guess vampire cocks are just angry, turgid, and crimson. To be perfectly honest, they kind of look like what I imagine a Drell cock would look like, which is a bit more titillating to a nerd like me. Probably would have to smear it with LSD to get the full alien-fuck effect, but a lady’s gotta do what a lady’s gotta-
Yeah, I’m off-topic. Sorry.
Anyway, as we are all fucking aware, the kids these days tend to like their vampires softer. Gentler. More glitter-encrusted. And so, for all those frothing Twihards out there who would like nothing more than to be impaled on Edward Cullen’s pale, perfect member, there’s The Vamp:
Yes, it even fucking sparkles. Put your shimmering fuckwand in the freezer for a bit, pop it into your lady hole, and prepare for the icy vampire banging your little fan heart has been begging for.
Oh, yes. This is happening.
One wouldn’t think that zombie fetishists are a terribly large market, what with the fact that zombies are probably the least attractive of the undead. But if you like your lust object with a brain fixation and pieces of themselves sloughing off as their body decays… there’s a toy for that.
I wish I could say that the whole Fleshlight Freaks line was the first to go zombie, but that would be a lie. Their zombie dildo
is really nothing more than a sub-par knock-off of Necronomicox’s silicone monstrosity:
I find the idea of fucking a zombie really off-putting. Not just because they are undead and want to eat my delicious gray matter, but because (what with them rotting and all) there’s a strong chance their dicks would break off and get lodged in your vag.
And honestly, how are you going to explain that at the ER?
Anyway, to complement the phallo-horrors, we also have zombie lady bits!
Fucking a zombie… that just doesn’t seem like a sound plan for the coming apocalypse. While banging one may distract it, you won’t have enough hands/orifices to take on a whole horde and make it out alive. Maybe, instead of creating sex aids that replicate zombie bits, we should be planning how we would defend ourselves if the ravening undead happened upon us with our pants down.
Which leads me to what may be the most amazing sex toy advertisement I’ve ever seen. There are four of these videos, but this one is my favorite, not just for how the toys were used, but because the chick pulls a classic Snake-in-a-box maneuver to get away:
Just get the “horny little devil” jokes out of your system now, galleons.
Demons may even be more popular than vampires in the sexual arena. Their ties to fire evoke the ideas of flaming passions, and many demons throughout history have been specifically targeted toward sex (particularly incubi and succubi). Creatures of sin, they represent all that is devious and taboo.
And so, we’ve harnessed that inherent naughtiness and channeled it into a series of devilish toys that bring out a person’s inner demon. We’ll start with this red-hot vibe:
Because who doesn’t want to feel the flames of hell on their nethers?
But maybe it’s not just a little heat that you want. Maybe you’re aiming higher. Maybe what you really want between your thighs is the Prince of Darkness himself. By the same people who brought us the Baby Jesus Buttplug… BEHOLD! DILDO SATAN!
While the above is good for some one-on-one communing with the devil, what on earth is a Satanist to do when she has a lackluster mortal boy in her bed?
Slap a Diablo Cockring on the guy, that’s what:
Yes, that’s a little forked tongue positioned perfectly to stimulate a lady’s love button. This may be the most highly detailed cockring I’ve yet seen. Satan gets all the good shit.
If that’s too weird for you, but you still want to turn your partner into a vibrating demon machine, this innocuous little headband is probably your best bet:
While this appears to be nothing more than your average headband with horns… it has a naughty little secret. One of those horns is actually a vibrator. Because everyone wants their partner coming at their genitals like a bull comes at a matador- head down, horns at the ready, rushing forward at top speed.
And for the very vanilla who want to feel sinful, nothing beats a little backdoor play. For them, there are these shiny red anal beads:
…The fact that the handle appears to be grinning wildly at me is a bit disconcerting.
Of course, there are tons of other classic Halloween creatures. And, while none of them had quite enough toys to deserve their own category, I couldn’t just leave them off the list.
First, to continue our tour through the Fleshlight Freaks collection, we have the Frankenstein’s monster model:
I guess if you’re gonna fuck a dead/undead/reanimated creature, this guy would be the one to go for. If you didn’t like a particular appendage, all you’d have to do is lop it off and attach a more pleasing one.
Build-a-Boy, if you will.
And, of course, we have our furry, full-moon crazy friends, the werewolves. There aren’t a lot of options for you if men-turned-wolf are your thing (unless you decide to crash a Furry convention, I suppose), but I did come across one molded fuckstick for werelovers:
It’s name is David, for reasons I couldn’t determine.
But if you like your lovin’ more non-corporeal, there are some spirited (get it?) options for you. Like this terrifying ghost dildo that looks like something straight out of that shitty 13 Ghosts film that was on TV all the goddamn time for a solid summer and was my younger brother’s go-to flick for those three months of hell:
Or if you’d rather have a friendly ghost tickling your twat, here’s a Casper-wannabe:
But shit, if you’re gonna shove a likeness of a dead/undead creature into your snatch, why not just skip over the lesser ghouls and go right for the big guy himself?
They don’t call it la petite mort for nothing.
And if you’re feeling particularly handy, you can make your own holiday toy out of a pumpkin!
We’re going to take a break here, dear galleons, to talk about something awesome/hilarious I came across in my Halloween sex toy searching this past week.
A sex toy provider called Adam & Eve apparently used to hold an annual Sex Toy Halloween Costume Contest on their website. Employees at the company dressed up sex toys in little costumes and let the public vote on their favorite. Last year, there were seven entries to choose from. All of them can be found on their website, but I feel I really need to feature my personal favorite here.
Sex Trek: The Search For Cock
Everything about this is amazing.
Now, while some may be into the idea of sex with Halloween creatures and ghoulies, others might just want to bring a Halloween tradition into the bedroom with them.
The older you get, the less appropriate it becomes to go door-to-door, begging candy off the neighbors. But if you still want to gather some sweets while enjoying a sexy adult night of Halloween fun, there are plenty of options for you.
Now, candy necklaces were always hella fun for kids. Particularly girls. Edible accessories? BADASS. And the sex industry has taken our childish love of colorful candy on strings to create a whole slew of candy necklace inspired pieces. Panties. Nipple tassels. Whips. Cuffs. Bras. Cockrings. Garters. And, my personal favorite, posing pouches:
I mostly am just a fan of the name “posing pouch” because it’s straight-up ridiculous.
Now, it’s not like bringing Pop Rocks into the bedroom is a new idea:
But there are now Pop Rock-type candies made that are specifically marketed toward those looking to bring a little bang to their game. Whether the more sensually named Sizzling Body Candy to the straightforward BJ Blast, the party in your mouth can easily become a party on your cock.
Of course, there are all manner of edible undergarments. While most have the appearance and taste of a knock-off Fruit Roll-Up (…yes, I’ve tasted some before, though it was not in a sexual situation), there are also gummy versions out there:
I’m not really surprised, though. There’s gummy everything. Bears. Bats. Worms. Octopuses. Snakes. Spiders. Rings.
You get the idea.
Now, while these are all fine, if we remember back to our childhood, there were the houses that handed out the cheap candy (like what we’ve already featured) and those who gave the good shit.
And so, here’s our version of the good shit- chocolate body paint. Sweet milk chocolate that you can paint onto your lover’s body and then lick off, making them your very own Halloween treat bag.
…If you start calling your scrotum your “treat bag,” I will hunt you down and stab you.
Finally, for those looking for the very best and fanciest candy in the neighborhood, you can’t beat the unique flavors of these edible body candies. Spicy Orange. Cocoa Mint. Vanilla Chai.
Come on, that’s a classy haul right there.