Les Préliminaires Dangereuses

I promise I’ll lay off the sex toy posts for a while, dear galleons… after today.

Unlike recent postings, however, I’m not going to spend our time together making snarky remarks about various sexytime aids. Instead, I’m going to tell you a little story.

And make snarky comments throughout, because that’s what I do.

Nearly a month ago, a California woman named April Bonjour (stripper or porn star?) was getting frisky with her man. Nothing too exciting, just a little foreplay action with a vibrator. However, while her lady bits were abuzzin’, she claims to have felt a “sharp pain” in her nether parts. When her boyfriend removed the toy, it was covered in blood.

To be honest, I imagine him removing the toy and her vagina doing something like this:

Anyway, April is bleeding. A lot. Thinking she just started her period (okay, menstruation is often accompanied by cramping and general achiness, not intense, stabbing cooch pain… just saying), she grabs a box of sanitary pads. Which she goes through. That’s a lot of goddamn blood, galleons.

At this point, she realizes this is something rather serious (no shit). Her boyfriend calls 911 while she slips in and out of consciousness. Once at the hospital, she is given several pints of blood to replace what she’s already lost.

Now, this whole thing is bizarre enough, but leave it to an American to then decide to sue the company that made the toy that supposedly turned her vagina into hamburger- Pipedream Products. Apparently, she first filed a claim with them to get compensation, but they denied her… so, she filed a lawsuit.

What the fuck happened to this woman’s vag? SERIOUSLY. These are the only explanations I can come up with:

  • April and her man friend didn’t inspect the vibrator before ramming it home, so they didn’t notice if it was damaged. A sharp bit of plastic would cause a fuck all of a laceration in the vaginal walls, and with the area already engorged from arousal, this could lead to some serious bleeding. Of course, this makes April and her man fucking retarded, as they somehow failed to notice that their little toy was mangled. 
  • April was pregnant and suffered a miscarriage. Poorly timed, to be sure, but that would explain a sudden, searing pain near the uterus and a sudden gushing flow of blood. That being said, one would assume the hospital would test for that.
  • April has access to a secret part of the Pipedream site that I do not, the part that contains the large, metal, spike-covered fucksticks that ripped her open like a Christmas present.
  • While the claim states April was using the product as the defendant intended it to be used, we all know that people are complete morons. Perhaps April’s man’s interpretation of “intended usage” was to strap a knife to the vibrator and try to carve his girlfriend’s love tunnel like a jack-o’-lantern.
  • April has the vaginal muscles of a jacked-up Mr. Universe. Her cunt latched onto the toy and squeezed it so hard it actually splintered and broke inside of her. Damn you, Kegels!
  • Some women squirt a clear female ejaculate upon orgasm. April is a mutant who squirts blood. Her boyfriend should be proud- she’d apparently never had an orgasm until that day.

Honestly, I am completely baffled by this entire case. I wish I could find out exactly which toy April and her man were using, as then I’d at least be able to be confused in detail. Also, the exact damage to her vagina was never revealed. Was it a laceration or a full-on mushing?

So many questions.

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