Quelling the Bacon Mania

So, I was Stumbling this morning (as I am wont to do) when I came across this old standby:

And I remembered that, way back when, upon first viewing, this image garnered a titter from me. Now, though, I find it tiresome.

Dear galleons, I fear bacon has jumped the shark.

Wacky bacon humor used to be internet gold. Combining something universally beloved with the utter absurdity that is so carefully fostered in the seedy back alleys of the interweb, whimsical bacon products and jokes became something the pasty, basement-dwelling webtrons could channel their imaginations toward.

But, like all memes (including those featuring kittens lacking proper educations), it eventually lost its luster. Where once the piggy goodness was the source of boundless giggles, now it struggled to stir most to even a small smile. Even when it teamed up with the kittehs:

I think it is time we gave bacon humor its long-deserved send off. Think of the delicious meat, too long abused for our pleasure. Let us no longer fry up its long-dead corpse for a few drippings of tepid amusement. Let us bid our ridiculous bacon recipes adieu. Let us give bacon its dignity back. We shall look back and celebrate its tenure here in internetland… and then we will say goodbye and let it go back to gracing our breakfast plates and pizzas.

***

Bacon has long been a breakfast staple, but it soon became evident that the delicious piggy meat could not be confined to a single meal. It was time for bacon to spread itself to all other meals of the day (and no, I’m not not simply referring to a brinner situation here). It started small. Some bacon on a sammich. In a salad. On a pizza.

Then, it started to spread. Bacon started to infuse all number of foods… literally.

As if it wasn’t enough to eat delicious bacon at breakfast, you can now have bacon in your coffee. Twice the bacon for your morning enjoyment. How can you go wrong?

But if you’d rather be drinking your bacon at other times of the day, don’t worry- there’s bacon for that. Bakon Vodka is, as you surmised, a bacon infused vodka.

But if your aren’t a hard liquor fan, there’s also bacon beer! Rogue Brewing Company (who make a pretty decent mocha porter) recently made a small-batch beer full of bacon-y flavor (and encased in a hideous pink bottle):

By all accounts, this brew is fucking atrocious, so I’m not going to recommend you run out and try to acquire it, dear galleons. But that’s okay, as this Pepto Bismol colored abomination isn’t your only choice when it comes to fine bacon beer. Because, like many things beer, the Germans have been doing this for years. Rauchbier is a German style of beer where the grains are cured over burning beech wood before they’re brewed. This leads to that smoky flavor associated with bacon.

Okay, so maybe that last one doesn’t actually contain bacon, but I give it points for bottling the spirit of bacon.

But if you’d prefer to masticate your bacon as God intended, there are a variety of avenues available to you. The strangest may be that of baconized desserts. From “exotic” bacon candy bars to festive bacon candy canes, you can purchase any number of chocolatey, sugary, bacony delicacies. But why buy them when you can pretend you are Mary Shelley competing on Iron Chef and make your own monstrous baked goods. Like this maple bacon ice cream or these bacon brownies (…I actually have all the ingredients for the latter currently floating about my kitchen, and I’m not going to lie, there’s a part of me that’s curious enough to want to make them- FOR SCIENCE) or this candied bacon cheesecake.

And to hold you over between courses of bacon, there’s a maple bacon lollipop that’ll get you your meaty fix.

Or maybe you want the ability to baconize anything at a moment’s notice. To do that, you’ll need a bacony condiment you can slather on whatever meat/bread/vegetable/sweet/legume is in your immediate vicinity. Thank jeebus for the internet, where I can find not just bacon ketchup (which seemed like the obvious condiment choice), but also bacon hot sauce, a catch-all bacon seasoning, and the slightly more expensive bacon jam, a spreadable bacon purée.

Not fancy enough? Fine. Here’s some goddamn bacony trout roe, you uppity bacon snobs.

***

So yes, you can eat, drink, or otherwise ingest bacon in a myriad of forms. But what if that isn’t enough bacon in your life?

Galleons, it’s time for the weird, the humorous, and the just plain ridiculous bacon novelties on the market today.

Not quite a food product (and thus included here), bacon mints are the first item on the list. For a between meals bacon flavored pick-me-up or for someone who just likes their pig basted in Scope:

Or maybe those, like the following products, are the perfect solution for someone trying to cut back on their bacon intake (which seems scandalous). You can get that hint of bacon flavor without having to touch the abomination of actual bacon substitutes:

If the mints aren’t enough, that’s okay- we’ve infused bacon into all manner of common items. Like lip balm:

Or bacon toothpicks. Or envelopes. That’s right- out there in the world are envelopes with the sticky bit flavored like a slice of meaty bacon. It’s the post office’s last ditch effort to keep afloat.

And the fun doesn’t stop there. Why should you settle for anything less than filling your every corpuscle with bacony goodness? Inject some bacon into your morning routine with the oh-so-appetizing bacon floss. Or, better yet, lather up with some probably counterproductive bacon soap:

Which naturally begs the question:

Perhaps it’s not just the flavor of bacon that seduces you, but the aroma itself. But if you can’t afford to be cooking up bacon every time you feel like having some bacon-smell assail your olfactory glands, fear not! You can simply hang up a bacon air freshener or burn a smoky bacon candle to set the mood.

Set the mood for what? A thrilling night of fun with Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure?

Oh, please. Let’s have some grown up fun, shall we? Burn that bacon scented candle, give your lady a meaty bouquet

And then get squelchy with that perennial favorite:

BACON LUBE!

The classiest of the bacon related products, bacon lube allows you a little extra meat for your meat, some pork while you pork.

For the record, I love part of the description on this product:

So who’s responsible for this highly anticipated creation actually coming to life? You are, that’s who. You and an intern named Martin actually, who sacrificed and offended his taste buds in the name of science on sample after failed sample before this really did taste like bacon.

You can’t argue with science.

***

…You know what, galleons? FUCK THIS SHIT. Bacon is delicious. And funny. And I don’t want it to die.

Bring it on, internet.

One response to “Quelling the Bacon Mania

  1. I have yet to appreciate the whole bacon thing. It’s high-in-fat and will one day kill us all. If that’s how we operate, then why isn’t Newt Gingrich a bigger celebrity than he is?

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