Trouble in Toyland

Oh, galleons. When sex toys end up in the news, it always ends in tears. And pain.

A week ago, Jeffrey Bowers pleaded “not guilty” to charges of striking his girlfriend. The 53-year-old man was arrested last month after he dragged his 51-year-old girlfriend through his residence, kicked her in the face, then pushed her out the door. In the middle of the night.


Here’s what supposedly happened leading up to the alleged assault:

Bowers and his girlfriend went to bed in his Florida home. During the night, Bowers was awakened. Looking over, he noticed his lady with a “big dildo between her legs,” and he got rather pissed.

At this point, he told her [Are you read for this, galleons? This is my favorite part] to “cut that shit out and let him sleep.”

Wait… really? Your girlfriend is there, horny as shit, going to town on herself, and you don’t think, “Hey, I’m already awake, may as well have some fun?” You pick punching over pussy? Maybe it’s because I’m a lady in her mid-twenties and thus am possessed of the raging libido of youth, but I just feel like that was a poor decision on Bowers’ part.

Also, why did we have to specify it was a large dildo? Was this a key point of the argument? Did Bowers feel inadequate when compared to the silicone monstrosity nestled between his girlfriend’s thighs? Or was it just that big?  I feel like he would have been aware of such a monster fuckstick being hauled into his apartment. Mostly because it would require a team of horses and a steam-powered engine to transport.

The case will be settled in late December, but no matter how it turns out, I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here:

Take your twat rod to the bathroom if you want some midnight lovin’.

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