Somehow, I Don’t Think That’s What the Build-a-Bear Folks Meant When They Said Their Toys Are “Stuffed With Love”

Galleons, we did a post a while back that featured this abomination of a homemade sex… toy:

And while I remain mildly disturbed by a woman copulating with a teddy bear, what you do behind your own closed doors (with or without the teddy bear’s consent) is fine. I’d say I won’t judge, but I’m a judgmental twat, so…

However, some people are taking their stuffed ursine lovin’ to the streets. Namely, to the streets of Cinncinati. And when I say people, I really just mean one bloke. Charles Marshall. Seems this fellow got himself arrested last Wednesday after he was caught making sweet love to a teddy bear in the alley behind a health clinic, hauled in on charges of disorderly conduct.

The fate of the poor plush victim remains unknown.

Things get interesting when we learn that this isn’t the first time Marshall has found himself in this situation. Turns out, the man’s been arrestedfour times in the last two years for being found, somewhere, beating the meat with a toy bear.

The first time found him with his pants down in a men’s bathroom at a city library, after which a judge told him to stay the fuck away from libraries. Probably worried the Berenstain Bears series was like porn to the guy.

The fuck?

A few months later, Charles was back in action, once again being caught with his trousers down and a teddy out. The arresting officer noted that Mr. Marshall’s predilections had becoming an “ongoing problem.”

Almost a year passed and everyone was probably starting to breathe a collective sigh of relief. It’s okay to go outside again, children… Oh wait, no. It’s not. Because there’s Charles Marshall, taking Mr. Fuzzles and having his way with your beloved bear. Once again, Charles is hauled in on charges of public indecency for engaging in plushie masturbation in a public area where “minors were likely to be present.”

Now, it’s happened again.


…I just gotta know one thing: Has he been monogamous the past two years, or has it been a different bear every time? Is the bear special, or are these just a series of one-night stands in dirty alleys and public restrooms?

Charles, here’s what you do. You go to a furry convention. You mingle a bit, have a few drinks. You find yourself a nice little bear. Chat them up.  Take them home. And you stop giving the Cinncinati police nightmares of your wang in the furry embrace of a child’s toy, okay?

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