Three Paths to Recumbent Robotic Rapture

Galleons, the world right now is suffering from future priapism. And by that, I mean we have had a collective, raging boner for the tech and advancements promised to us by science fiction authors for decades. We all want cars that can drive themselves and holographic computers we can interact with more organically, computers that will anticipate our whims.

And so, we’ve started a smart tech revolution. Smart phones, smart cars, smart boards. We have QR codes and 3D televisions and motion/voice activated game systems. Siri is everyone’s new best friend.

So, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that smart tech has found its way into slightly more naughty arenas as well. Turns out sex toys are getting an intelligence boost as well.

If letting Skynet near your genitals is your bag, oh boy, you’re going to love this.

For the Ladies

First up is Siri’s slutty cousin, SaSi. SaSi is a fairly innocuous looking little vibrator:

In fact, it barely looks like a sex toy at all. However, this little thing is one of the smartest sex toys on the market.

So… what the hell does it do?

Those buttons on the top there are the controls for SaSi. Which, if you are familiar with vibrators at all (if not, you’ll just have to trust an expert here), already seem a bit complex. Most vibes have a simple wheel or set of buttons that control the intensity/pattern of the vibration. SaSi, on the other hand, lets you do a hell of a lot more.

On the underside of SaSi is a little nubbin (for your little nubbin… jesus, never let me call a clit that again, galleons). HINT: This is where the magic happens.

Not only does SaSi vibrate, that little ball on her belly also manipulates the clit and labial region. The ball moves in 11 patterns- U’s, J’s, and a variety of arcs. So, SaSi requires 5 buttons to run her… as well as a 22-page instruction manual.

But while SaSi’s variety of choices certainly makes her an interesting addition to one’s sexual toy chest, that’s not what makes her smart. See, SaSi can learn.

You can actually program the device to learn your favorite combinations of moves to make a personalized masturbatory experience. So, if you have $150 lying around (the future isn’t cheap, you know), apparently this is the vibe to own.

…If only I could also program it to growl physics at me during the act. Then it would be perfect.

For the Gents

This is a toy that’s been around for a while, and might not seem all that smart when compared to the others, but I’ll include it mostly because the guys (who already get shafted when it comes to sex toys) don’t really have a good smart sex toy option. Which is odd, seeing as everyone always touts males as being the ones who want all teh tech gadgetz.

Sure, there are some toys out there that are clever (and some computer programs and robotic love dolls that range from the weird to the sad to what-the-ever-loving-fuck), but none that really scream FUTURE SEXIN’. The closest you poor bastards get is the Autoblow Blast! (a name which necessitates an exclamation point after it in my book), an automated blowjob mechanism.

If it looks like a Fleshlight with a remote attached, that’s because that’s essentially what it is. Within that dark cylinder is a set of spring-loaded beads (always with the beads and balls, these sex toys) covered by a silicone sleeve. So, you stick your cock in that thing and let the little balls massage your dong while the thing also applies some suction.

Sounds about right to me.

What? Don’t most people perform blowjobs while simultaneously gargling marbles?

Anyway, it’s just a vaguely robotic blowjob in a can.

Sorry, guys. Your future looks really, really sad (perhaps you will be too busy banging sexy aliens to have to worry about this kind of thing, yes?).

For Couples

Video chat isn’t the only thing helping long distance couples keep the passion alive.

…Actually, that’s fairly close (and does, in fact, exist). But we want something that isn’t fit for prime time television. We want something a bit more intimate.

In short, we want the LovePalz:

LovePalz features two toys- the pink “Hera” for ladies (aka The Shaft) and the blue “Zeus” for gents (aka The Sheath). The devices are wi-fi enabled and communicate with each other while in use through the LovePalz app (which also allows for video chat, so you can watch your lover as you’re giving them a hawt robot dicking). So, The Sheath senses how fast the dude’s pumping and transmits that info to The Shaft, which matches said speed. The Shaft, meanwhile, sense how tightly the lady’s inner muscles are clenching and sends that info over to The Sheath, which configures its own tightness to match.

Interesting, to be sure. What’s more interesting is the fact that the “Zeus” toy is described as having an “automatic piston.” I’m sorry, but if I were a guy, I’d be hesitant to stick my cock into something that sounds like it belongs beneath the hood of my car.

Just sayin’.

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