“Skyrim is a Little Bit Racist”

So, I may have decided it would be fun to rewrite the lyrics to Avenue Q’s “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist” to suit Skyrim. Enjoy, my galleons:

Dragonborn:
Say, Paarthurnax, can I ask you a question?

Paarthurnax:
Tinvaak.

Dragonborn:
Well, you know Odahviing, right?

Paarthurnax:
Geh. Yes.

Dragonborn:
Well, he’s a dragon, and you’re a dragon.

Paarthurnax:
Vahzah.

Dragonborn:
You’re both dragons.

Paarthurnax:
Yes.

Dragonborn:
Are you two related? Fron?

Paarthurnax:
Mey! You surprise me, Dovahkiin. To one of the Dov, that is racist.

Dragonborn:
Oh, I’m sorry! Er, krosis! I was just asking!

Paarthurnax:
It is a bitter- ahzid– subject.
No, not all Dovah are related.
What are you trying say?
Do all Dovah look the same to you?
Hmm?

Dragonborn:
No, no, no, not at all. I’m sorry,
I guess that was a little racist.

Paarthurnax:
I should say so. You should be more
careful when you’re talking about
such a sensitive subject, Dovahkiin.

Dragonborn:
Well, look who’s talking!

Paarthurnax:
Krosis. What do you mean?

Dragonborn:
What about that special Dovah greeting you taught me?

Paarthurnax:
What about it?

Dragonborn:
Could someone like Arngeir use it?

Paarthurnax:
Niid, we Dovah do not greet Joorre as-

Dragonborn:
You see?!
You’re a little bit racist.

Paarthurnax:
Geh. And you are a mal, too.

Dragonborn:
I guess we’re both a little bit racist.

Paarthurnax:
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do.

Dragonborn:
But I guess it’s true.
Between me and you,
I think

Both:
Skyrim is a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn’t mean we go
Around committing hate crimes (well…).
Look around and you will find
No one’s really color blind.
Maybe it’s a fact
We all should face-
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race.

Dragonborn:
Now not big judgments, like what mercenary to hire
or who to buy a sweet roll from-

Paarthurnax:
Niid!

Dragonborn:
No, just little judgments like thinking that Argonian
dockworkers should stop skimming off the top of every shipment!

Paarthurnax:
Err, yes.

Both:
Skyrim is a little bit racist
Today.
So, Skyrim is a little bit racist
Okay!
Thalmor jokes might be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They’re based on truth.
Don’t take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them-
So relax!

Dragonborn:
All right, stop me if you’ve heard this one:
There’s a ship sinking and there’s only
one lifeboat. And there’s a Breton, a priest of Arkay…
And a Redguard!

Nazir:
What are you saying, Dragonborn?

Paarthurnax:
Uh…

Nazir:
You were telling a Redguard joke!

Dragonborn:
Well, sure, Nazir, but lots of people tell Redguard jokes.

Nazir:
I don’t.

Dragonborn:
Well, of course you don’t- you’re from Hammerfell!
But I bet you tell Bosmer jokes, right?

Nazir:
Well, sure I do. Those stupid wood elves!

Dragonborn:
Now, don’t you think that’s a little racist?

Nazir:
By Satakal, I guess you’re right.

Dragonborn:
You’re a little bit racist.

Nazir:
Well, you’re a little bit too.

Dragonborn:
We’re all a little bit racist.

Nazir:
I think that I would
Have to agree with you.

Dragonborn/Paarthurnax:
We’re glad you do.

Nazir:
It’s sad but true!
Skyrim is a little bit racist
Oh, yes!

Paarthurnax:
Oh, yes!

Dragonborn:
Oh, yes!

Nazir:
Oh, yes!
Bigotry has never been
Exclusively Nordic.

All:
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
Even though we all know
That it’s wrong,
Maybe it would help us
Get along.

Dragonborn:
Oh, Talos, do I feel good.

Nazir:
Now there was a fine upstanding Redguard!

Dragonborn:
Who?

Nazir:
Talos.

Paarthurnax:
Pardon, Nazir, but Talos was a Nord.

Nazir:
No, Talos was a Redguard.

Paarthurnax:
Niid, Talos was a Nord.

Nazir:
No, I’m pretty sure that Talos was a Redguard-

Dragonborn:
Guys, guys… Talos was never a god, remember?

All:
*laughter*

Ulfric Stormcloak:
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?

Nazir:
Racism!

Ulfric Stormcloak:
Cool.
Stormblade, what is that Redguard doing here?
I did not expect a true daughter of Skyrim to consort
With the likes of them.

Dragonborn:
What’s that mean?

Ulfric Stormcloak:
He’s not a Nord.
Don’t look at me like that!
How many Redguards fight for Skyrim?

Dragonborn:
Oh, come off it, Ulfric!
We KNOW you’re a little bit racist.

Ulfric Stormcloak:
I’m not!

Dragonborn:
Oh no?

Ulfric Stormcloak:
Nope!
How many Windhelm citizens
Are grey-skins?

Karliah:
What? Ulfric!

Dragonborn:
Ulfric, buddy, where you been?
The term is Dunmer, not grey-skin!

Karliah:
I know you are too
Dumb to realize,
But calling me a grey-skin
Is a slight in my eyes!

Ulfric Stormcloak:
Uh, sorry, lady.

Karliah:
It’s okay.

Ulfric Stormcloak:
But I bet you’re racist, too.

Karliah:
Yes, I know.
The Imperials have all
The money,
And the Nords have all
The power,
And I’m always in a wagon
With Khajiit who don’t shower!

Dragonborn:
Me too!

Ulfric Stormcloak:
Me too!

Nazir:
I can’t even get a wagon ride!

All:
Skyrim is a little bit racist
It’s true.
Where everyone is probably
More racist than you!
If we all could just admit
That we are racist, a little bit,
And everyone stopped being
So (N)PC
Maybe we could live in
Harmony!

M’aiq the Liar:
M’aiq is a little bit racist!

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