Now galleons, I’ve been very clear about my feelings regarding sex toys that look like children’s toys (see this if you don’t remember). But, despite my grumpy fist-shaking at people making these bizarre, cutesy fuck toys, they just keep churning them out.
My latest find has me utterly baffled. They are so cute, so childish, that there is no sane person on this fucking planet that should feel comfortable letting these happy little guys anywhere near their genitals.
Galleons, meet the Buxxxor Collection:
I mean… damn. These little guys are not only adorable, they have names.
The little blue guy with the fucking beauty mark (or, as Animaniacs taught me when I was a child, a cutie mark) is an intimate massager…
Okay, wait, time out. Why the fuck do we call things “intimate massagers?” It’s a clit stimulator. That’s what it fucking is. It’s being marketed as a goddamn sex toy, it can at least drop the PG descriptor.
Anyway, the little blue guy (girl?) is Geena. Which… well, frankly, I’m not sure why it’s named Geena.
The pink fella is the one actually being called a clitoral stimulator, despite the fact that it’s shaped like a G-spot (and clitoral) stimulator (see this if you don’t believe me):
Because that fucking makes sense. Its name is Clitt, which is a sufficiently dirty name, I suppose. I maintain that this one should be Geena (G-spot) and the blue guy should be Clitt (for obvious reasons), but hey, I’m just trying to make sense here.
And finally, the yellow bloke is Woody. And he’s basically just your run-of-the-mill fuckstick.
Naming snafus aside, can you honestly imagine letting these little fellas near your lady bits? They are like the little prince guy in Katamari Damacy… is their purpose to roll my vagina up into a ball until I orgasm?
This whole thing makes me intensely uncomfortable. I’m just saying.