Insert Joystick Joke Here

We gamers have spent many’a year attempting to break the stereotype of a gamer as a a pale fat dude in his parent’s basement, wearing a headset and corpse camping 13-year-olds until 3 a.m., after which he turns on some tentacular hentai and masturbates furiously while sobbing and snotting in the dark, giving himself a classic case of Cheeto dick.

I mean, some of us don’t even have dicks. Come on, people.

I kid, I kid. But, while it becomes ever more evident that gamers are a diverse collection of individuals, that stereotype of the lonely, sex-starved basement dweller remains.

And Japan is totally not helping.

A few years ago, a Japanese company released the SOM, which seems fairly innocuous when you first see it:

Kind of reminiscent of a microscope in shape/design, this thing does not do science. I cannot stress that enough. This is not a science device.

It’s a wank machine.

And not just a wank machine. Oh no. It’s a video game wank machine. Bundled together with a game named Cross Days, the SOM is supposed to introduce ‘next-gen reality’ to their naughty video game. The machine apparently moves in real time to corresponding onscreen movements at certain points in the game. Essentially, as you fuck something onscreen, the machine fucks you.

But wait, it gets better. Because if that setup looks just a little too… clinical for your masturbatory needs, never fear. The good folks who created the SOM can give you a hand… literally:

Because who hasn’t wanted a creepy doll-hand-fused-to-cylinder gently caressing their dong?

And ladies, the creators of the SOM want you to know that you are valued customers as well. This isn’t just for the gents. There’s a SOM attachment that will piston your lady bits to pleasureville as well:

But Japan wasn’t content with this monstrosity. Oh no. Why make the dick secondary here? Why not let the dick control the entertainment?

Presenting the Ju-C Air, the dick powered controller:

The Ju-C Air (the name makes me giggle every. damn. time) seems to function in a similar fashion to LovePalz (which we’ve covered before), but instead of pleasuring your partner, you’re pleasuring… a digital anime maid. See, the Ju-C Air is bundled with Custom Maid 3D, a game in which you, the “hero”, are told by your estranged grandfather that he’s willing to turn over the reins to his gentleman’s club to you… if you meet certain requirements. You have to join the club as a member, make nice with (which I assume means “make sex with”) the maids in the club, and train up your own maid to service you and the other customers.

…I found a gameplay video with English translations, okay? I was curious.

So, you build your very own maid from, at least what I could see, a truly impressive array of options in terms of appearance and clothing. And you get to set up each sexual encounter with your maid, choosing what services she performs for you. For the record, one of the tabs on this selection screen was marked Perverts, and I find I’m curious what hentai game makers consider perverted. Where’s the line for them?

Now, this is as much as I could really glean from the video, because then the English translation went away and everything was censored, so I went over to their main page. Which, of course, is in Japanese, but I’m gonna guess from the pictures as the bottom that you can special order a pirate lass as well. I’m not sure if that means you expand your gentleman’s club and add on a naught nautical option, or if some down-on-her-luck former ship captain (who can no longer pillage and plunder due to an economic downturn and an inability to afford ship repairs caused her to sell the junker for salvage) wanders in to your club and offers up her salty young booty to your gentlemen customers, but either way, pirate wench.

Now, what nobody’s telling me is whether your dick also controls the cursor I saw moving around on the videos. Dicktwitch, the cursor’s up here, then dicktwitch, the cursor’s down there. Because if so, there are going to be some guys out there who learn some finite fucking dick control, let me tell you.

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