In what has become the only consistent thing I post on my blog (because nothing I write can top it), today we continue our weekly series of the exploits of my favorite employee, Taylor.
Cautian [spelled just like this] Benson [another employee in my department] has an imposter walking around.
-He must be apprehended.
[Taylor was having trouble transferring service on a property, so he turns to me, frustrated]
“Sam, they said I can’t transfer service on this property… because it’s haunted.”
[Taylor told me he had completed all his work. Because I can see his property queue, I know he is lying. I tell him I require proof of this claim because I take nothing on faith. So, five minutes later, he hands me a very official sticky note document]
Proof that I, Taylor A. Benitez, have completed all my work.
P.S. About that raise…
“Look at that windshield. Is that bird shit? [I look over- there is, indeed, a massive streak of bird shit on someone’s windshield] Are they feeding the birds Taco Bell now?”
[Taylor was telling me about how he blew the dust out of his home computer and it all flew into his face]
“My face just attracts all these things I don’t want touching it. Like dodgeballs. Or any kind of balls.”
Need a petting zoo
[Taylor lost his glasses about three weeks after I started working at this company. According to him, his father was the last one to see them… in the road. Taylor finally went to Walmart and ordered new glasses. At lunch, he looked at his phone and saw he had a message]
“Hey, I got a call from Walmart! 9-in-10 chance I have glasses. 1-in-10 chance they were stolen.”
“I want to be the morale guy. I’ll just wave a flag around and make people happy. It will be the flag of the original 13 colonies.”
Christine made me eat soap
[one of Taylor’s property addresses was a very rural county road, but when he contacted a utility vendor, they told him that county road wasn’t rural- Taylor looked it up on Google Maps to prove them wrong]
“I looked at that county road- there’s nothing there but trees and misery. And the trees aren’t even alive! Nothing can survive in the Texas tundra, Sam.”
[I had to call Kevin, Taylor’s buddy who quit last week after he got a better job elsewhere, to tell him his final check had come in- while I was on the phone, Taylor slid this across my desk]
Tell him I said hi
Taylor: “I’m gonna start doing yoga.” [proceeds to stretch awkwardly and puff his chest out]
Me: “…That’s not yoga, Taylor.”
Taylor: “Whatever. It feels AMAZING.”
[Because we are a call center and we bill our clients based on the number of hours our agents are actually working, we have to have them hit certain buttons on their phones to denote what they are doing if they aren’t available to make phone calls. This is called ‘auxing’ (for example, Aux 1 is break and Aux 2 mean lunch). Taylor does not like the auxing policy and was complaining about it. I told him he had to follow it and always aux out when he got out of his chair. The next time he auxed, he dropped this on my desk as he walked away]
[One day, Taylor and I went outside to the smoking area for lunch, and a pack of cigarettes was just lying on the table, abandoned. They are the same brand Taylor smokes, so I told him to take them.]
“Sam, I’m trying to quit smoking. [he’s been “trying to quit” the entire time I’ve worked with him, and doesn’t seem to be trying very hard] I can’t take these. I already smoke everything. Cigarettes. Meth. Acid. Don’t ask me how I smoke acid. …I put all the tablets in an empty cigarette cartridge and smoke it. That’s how.”
[I pointed out that his pack was almost empty, however, and the abandoned pack was full. It would save him from having to buy more cigarettes]
“Sam, mine are 100s. These are 4 100s. That’s, like, 400.”
[Eventually, the homeless dude who wanders through our break area and picks up half smoked butts comes by. Taylor gives the man the cigarettes, and I tell him that was really nice of him]
“Not really. I took someone else’s stuff and gave it to that guy. *beat* Oh my god, Sam, I’m Robin Hood.”
[And finally, what may be the best sticky note Taylor’s ever given me. He once joked that Cliff, the big boss (re: my boss) would come out of his office if Taylor wasn’t working and “body slam him into termination.” The other morning, Taylor asked me what a good adjective was that could proceed the word ‘cliff’. He eventually settled on ‘jagged.’ According to Taylor, that is Cliff’s wrestler name- The Jagged Cliff. He later drew me this amazing comic about The Jagged Cliff]