The Taylor Files, Vol. 6

Sorry it’s been awhile since the last installment of our thrilling Taylor-centric saga, dear galleons. It’s not that Taylor has ceased his antics (he most assuredly has not), it’s that I have been lazy. And busy. But mostly lazy.

[Taylor gave me a message regarding his productivity for the day]

6:50 work credit hours

15 pushed TAs

1 good looking boy

[My project was moved to a new office recently, but there was no printer/scanner/copier in the building, so I had to stop at the old office before I went in to work and again at my lunch hour to pick up all our printing and do our scanning and copying. I had a lot one morning and showed up to the new office 3 minutes after the shift started… to find this on my computer]

You’re late

The eagle has landed

Air guitar nation

[Taylor is constantly trying to get me to allow him to take his shirt off in the office]

Got BBQ sauce on my shirt, need to take it off.

[While on the phone with a troublesome vendor, he slipped this over the cubicle wall]

Put me out of my misery

I quit

Taylor: “What should I go as for Halloween?”

Me: “I don’t know, Taylor.”

Taylor: “I wanna be something sexy.”

Alissa: “Be a sexy librarian.”

Me: “There you go. You have the glasses- all you need is a pencil skirt.”

Taylor: “A what?”

Me: “…A pencil skirt. The skirt all sexy librarians wear.”

Taylor: “Is that like a skirt made of pencils? Or, OH, is it like when you go to sharpen a pencil and the shavings make a skirt? Sam, go get me a giant pencil so I can make a pencil skirt.”

[When my team first heard that our project was going away and that we were going to be folded into a different department in the company, Taylor entertained a few elaborate fantasies of what he would do if he quit working here. One of those plans involved him and an older woman on our team doing a dual cabaret/burlesque act, where she would dress up as a bird and Taylor would dress as a bee. It would be both provocative AND educational, according to Taylor. To illustrate how it would work, Taylor left this on my phone later in the day]


[For the record, this really loses something if you have never seen Taylor shaking his ass at you and saying the line on that Post-It. Truly]

[Terrence, my co-manager’s assistant, made the mistake of making a suggestion box to help boost morale. Taylor found it]

Suggestion: Make me Sam’s manager. Please advise.

I SUGGEST you do not feed gremlings [spelled just like this] after midnight.

Allow us to use work-safe and approved non-work related websites whilst on hold or when we don’t want to work.

[Taylor was having a lot of trouble determining which utility company serviced one of his addresses, so he drew me this to explain his situation]


[One of my employees is from Michigan and was describing the Detroit tradition of burning condemned/abandoned houses on Halloween. I told Taylor he should go to Detroit- with his knowledge of foreclosures, he’d be able to point them in the direction of some good burning opportunities]

Taylor: “Sam, why would I give someone else a tip on which house to burn and let them have all the fun and enjoyment of burning it while I just sit back and watch?”

Me: “You could still be involved…”

Taylor: “That’s like saying, ‘Oh, date my girlfriend. It’s cool- I’ll still be involved.'”

[Taylor made some comment about being from Antarctica. Alissa and I rolled with it]

Me: “Oh, you’re from Antarctica? Suddenly, so many things make sense.”

Taylor: “What? HOW?”

Me: “Your obsession with schizophrenia, for one. You probably developed something similar living there all alone.”

Taylor: “I don’t have an obsession with schizophrenia. You are just schizophrenic. And so is Alissa. And Eunice.”

Me: “And it explains why you constantly are worried about making friends- you didn’t have any friends when you were all alone in Antarctica.”

Alissa: “Except the penguins!”

Taylor: “The penguins were my family – you aren’t friends with family.”

Me: “And your fear of abandonment is simply because you don’t want to be alone again.”

Taylor: “What fear of-“

Me: “Taylor, you Facebook me if I miss one day of work.” [note: this was before he got my phone number]

Taylor: “…Well, you’re supposed to be here.”

Alissa: “Were the penguins good parents?”

Taylor: “They were distant. And noisy. And I tried to teach them how to fly, but they’re dumb as shit.”

[At lunch later, Taylor was out in the smoking area, talking about writing papers in school]

Taylor: “We had to write this paper that was like a myth for why an animal was the way it was. Mine was about penguins.”

Me: *chokes on soda* “No shit?”

Taylor: *solemn nod* “Yes shit. Wait…” *realizes why I was laughing and grins*

Me: “Well, write what you know.”

Taylor: “Yeah. It was about how penguins can’t fly because hunters came and were shooting them all in the wings and they evolved flightless as a result.”

Me: “What the fuck?”

Taylor: “My teacher made me re-write it to be ‘squirt guns’ instead of regular guns. Like that makes any sense.”

Me: “So, penguins were squirted in the wings and now they can’t fly? They were trained like cats?”

Taylor: “NO SAM. Because then the principal saw it and made me re-write it AGAIN because squirt guns were still guns. I think I ended up saying lightning struck them or something stupid like that. I don’t know. They were always making me re-write my papers in school because they all contained violence.”

[we were looking for volunteers to change departments- Taylor made a pros and cons list to help him make his decision]



-$1 more




-Little further

-Old office (ew)

-Surrounded by chumps


[Taylor eventually decided to be part of the group switching departments early- but he left me this, to let me know that he was not happy and probably wouldn’t make it through training]


[Upon going through the metric shit ton of papers Taylor left in his desk upon making the transition, I found the following]


[…yes, those appear to be a tree, the state of Florida, and an apple smoking. Why? I couldn’t tell you]

For those of you who are concerned, while Taylor may not be my direct report any longer… he did acquire my cell number before he left, and he’s been abusing that readily enough for the week he’s been gone. Trust me- there will be further installments of the Taylor Files.

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