The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the First)

Oh my galleons- it has been quite some time. And for that, I apologize. But I return from out of the darkness with a tale. Such a tale. A tale of triumph, loss, personal growth, bad phone reception, strange creatures, villains, creepers, and a purple haired heroine. I give you…

The extremely epic, multi-part story I am typing to my assistant on chat.

This will be a lengthy series of posts (as I get really bored at work and keep finding strange ways to occupy my time that still make it look like I’m hard at work). I thought about giving a briefing before each installment detailing the characters and weird inside jokes relating to my office, but that would be tiresome (nobody likes explaining jokes) and I don’t want to list a bunch of real names, have someone important in the company find this, and get myself fired for my awesomeness.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy Part 1 of The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset.

***

(12:53) Alissa: Zelda poem!
(12:54) Sam: Okay
(12:54) Sam: Zelda story time
(12:54) Sam: The Legend of Zelda: Gently Used Headset
(12:55) Sam: (It’s not a poem)
(12:56) Sam: In an age long past, the denizens of Hyrule lived in darkness. Cold, insect-filled darkness. With too few microwaves.
(12:58) Sam: The dark lord Asu ruled this land. And the king of Hyrule, King Clift, was nothing but a figurehead. And half the time, he didn’t even have a castle, just a hut among the peons
(12:58) Alissa: LOL
(13:00) Sam: Stop interrupting the story
(13:00) Alissa: lol okay I won
(13:00) Alissa: ‘t
(13:00) Sam: This is the beginning cut scene that you can’t skip
(13:01) Sam: And Asu charged the Hylians excessively for everything, including the stabling of their noble steeds. And Asu horded the water and did not let it sprinkle forth upon the heads of the Hylians in a gentle mist during the blazingly hot summer months
(13:01) Sam: And so, King Clift did seek a new land for his beleaguered people. A land of light and ugly artwork and plentiful food warming devices
(13:02) Sam: And he found such a land. And he did dub it New Ophis
(13:04) Sam: And thus commenced a great migration of the Hylian people. Tempers were tried, lives were lost, and at least three people got lost.
(13:05) Sam: The land of New Ophis was fraught with many perils, including the marshes of Pore Cignel and the treacherous peaks of Ekuipmont and Malphunksion
(13:06) Sam: And so, King Clift did call upon our heroine, the spunky, purple haired Zeldissa
(13:06) Sam: And this is where our adventure begins
(13:07) Sam: *Wake up*
(13:07) Sam: *Wake UP*
(13:07) Sam: *HEY*
(13:08) Sam: Our heroine blinks awake, wiping the drool off her keyboard. A tiny, bespectacled pixel pixie glares at her from her computer screen.
(13:08) Sam: *FINALLY*
(13:09) Sam: Zeldissa stares at the pixel pixie. She determines she is probably part Italian. Italian pixel pixies are known for their hot tempers and love of sweets. She logs this information away for future reference.
(13:09) Sam: *My name is Yuniss. I’m here to tell you that you’ve been summoned by the great King Clift to save the realm of New Ophis*
(13:09) Sam: (feel free to comment now- you have control)
(13:10) Alissa: I have control of what? Not the story!
(13:10) Sam: You can contribute now, if you so desire
(13:11) Sam: Regardless, I’ll continue
(13:11) Sam: *Hurry up. You don’t want to be late for your appointment with the king!*
(13:12) Sam: Sure enough, a magical Spark did suddenly appear in front of Zeldissa, spewing forth a royal summons
(13:12) Sam: That said “Come see me at my castle”
(13:12) Sam: With a winkie face
(13:12) Sam: Which was mildly disconcerting
(13:13) Sam: Zeldissa leapt out of her chair and buckled on her trusty stapler
(13:13) Sam: *Hey, where did you get that? You aren’t supposed to START with a weapon! We’re supposed to get that later!*
(13:14) Sam: Zeldissa ignored Yuniss, who stomped her tiny digital foot in a rage
(13:14) Sam: (brief pause whilst I use the restroom)
(13:15) Alissa: This is my favorite story of all time
(13:19) Sam: Your sage narrator is glad you are enjoying the adventure thus far
(13:20) Sam: And so, Zeldissa took a few steps away from her homeland of Ekovah and ventured forth into the Natgrid wilderness.
(13:23) Sam: When suddenly, she heard a tiny *YOLO* from her pocket. She took out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device to find the pixel pixie glaring back at her
(13:24) Sam: *You can’t get rid of me that easily!*
(13:24) Sam: Zeldissa looked down at the pixie and frowned. “Are your pants unbuttoned?”
(13:24) Sam: *Your browser allows cookies. So I brought some… and then I ate them all. DON’T JUDGE ME*
(13:25) Sam: “Why are you accompanying me to the king’s castle, Yuniss?”
(13:25) Sam: *I’m bored*
(13:25) Sam: “Oh. Uh, well, okay then”
(13:25) Sam: And so, our heroine and her new companion continued into the wilds of Natgrid Forest.
(13:27) Sam: A few rogue Page Beasts came her way, but Zeldissa did away with them with her trusty stapler, binding them and distributing them neatly, because she was terribly skilled like that
(13:28) Sam: But the Natgrid Forest was a cacophony of noise, and she soon was fighting a vicious beast, the Mygrane. This was a creature of magic and chaos, a beast that could not be defeated by a mere stapler. Zeldissa began to lose hope.
(13:29) Sam: And it was then that she stumbled over a large root and fell unconscious. And Yuniss laughed and ate another cookie
(13:29) Sam: (choose your adventure time: Option A or Option B?)
(13:30) Alissa: Ohhh, I love interactive, like Goosebumps, Option B
(13:30) Sam: Hahaha, YES. Uh, I mean *clears throat* our tale continues.
(13:30) Sam: Zeldissa came to, groggy and still at the mercy of Mygrane, who was just toying with her right now and could have finished her at any point, the scoundrel
(13:31) Sam: When out of the Natgrid darkness came a piercing string of obscenities that made even the raucous noise of the forest quiet to a mere whisper.
(13:32) Sam: Zeldissa turned her head to see a short witch come bounding out of a bush, hair full of twigs and leaves and possibly a squirrel or two
(13:32) Sam: “YOU. IT WAS YOU I HEARD STOMPING AROUND MY FOREST”
(13:33) Sam: Zeldissa just stared at the crazy witch walking toward her.
(13:33) Sam: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY FOREST, CHILD?”
(13:34) Sam: Zeldissa was confused. And Mygrane was digging its claws in harder at the shrill sound of the witch’s voice.
(13:37) Sam: MINIGAME TIME
(13:37) Sam: Repeat after me
(13:37) Sam: ABA
(13:38) Alissa: ABA
(13:38) Sam: BAAC
(13:38) Alissa: BAAC
(13:38) Sam: Up down up down left right left right A B
(13:39) Alissa: Up down up down left right left right A B
(13:39) Sam: asldkfhaipduvposigoadiothp
(13:39) Alissa: asldkfhaipduvposigoadiothp
(13:39) Sam: “CHEATER!” screamed the witch
(13:39) Sam: And she began to summon a mighty vortex of hot air around our heroine
(13:41) Sam: Yuniss screamed a tiny, crumb-filled scream as she and Zeldissa were trapped by the witch’s vortex
(13:41) Sam: For hours
(13:42) Sam: Honestly, at this point, Zeldissa was just hungry. And cranky. And really warm
(13:42) Sam: So she lobbed her trusty stapler through the vortex and hit the witch right in the forehead
(13:42) Sam: The witch proceeded to scream a series of expletives again and hobbled away, clutching her head (and why that made her hobble, nobody knows)
(13:43) Sam: The vortex dissipated
(13:44) Sam: And Zeldissa saw, as she retrieved her stapler, that the witch had dropped a strange potion.
(13:44) Sam: (CHOICE TIME: Drink the potion? Y/N)
(13:44) Alissa: Yes!
(13:45) Sam: *WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!* Shrieked Yuniss *THAT COULD BE POISON!*
(13:45) Sam: But Zeldissa downed the potion anyway.
(13:46) Sam: And lo, the terrible Mygrane did give a terrible shriek and dislodge its hold on our heroine, dropping to the forest floor in a useless heap.
(13:46) Sam: Zeldissa looked harder at the potion bottle. It read ‘Eksedren’. Which was occult gibberish to her, but hey!
(13:47) Sam: (Hold please- the narrator has to do real work for a minute)
(13:51) Sam: Okay, anyway, Yuniss and Zeldissa continued on their journey
(13:51) Sam: And blah blah they walked a lot and blah blah they met some completely forgettable NPCs and probably an owl
(13:55) Sam: And soon, the plucky heroine and her pixie sidekick stood before the palace of King Clift
(13:55) Sam: (and now we’re going to take a brief intermission because break)
(13:56) Alissa: In-termission, in-in-termishonnn
(13:57) Sam: This may be an ongoing story over the course of the week
(13:57) Sam: There is still SO MUCH to cover
(13:57) Alissa: This is the greatest story in the history of stories
(13:57) Sam: That’s its tagline, yes
(13:58) Alissa: As soon as the obscenities came I knew who was coming!! lol this is my favorite thing in the world
(14:14) Alissa: Now I’m mad I didn’t choose option A šŸ˜”
(14:19) Sam: Don’t be- Option B was great
(14:19) Sam: There will be other opportunities in the future
(14:19) Sam: Anyway, back to our story
(14:20) Sam: Zeldissa was led to the throne room, where King Clift sat, managing his realm and making a lot of reports to present to his province lords in their weekly gatherings
(14:21) Sam: “Step forward, young Zeldissa” King Clift said, and so Zeldissa did so, because you don’t want to anger the king and also because she had a lot of unpaid stabling tickets she was hoping he’d forgive
(14:23) Sam: “Zeldissa, as you know, while New Ophis is a fertile and vibrant land (‘Yeah, weirdly vibrant,’ Zeldissa thought as she contemplated the odd red and blue patches of land scattered throughout the kingdom), it is full of dangers to the Hylian people. Our kingdom needs peace and quiet and high utilization to prosper, but we cannot do that while these terrors roam the corners of our realm. I need to you to quiet them.”
(14:24) Sam: “I will do as you command,” Zeldissa said, performing an extremely awkward half-bow, half-curtsy in which she almost fell over and that made all the courtiers snicker quite rudely
(14:25) Sam: “In order to defeat the greatest foe of all, the mighty Cervar in the marshes of Pore Cignel, you will need to collect all the pieces of the Gently Used Headset, a rare Hylian treasure that I kind of broke and lost while we were migrating here. You know how it is”
(14:26) Sam: “The bulk of the Headset lies in the land of Eyetee, guarded by a fearsome tech wizard.”
(14:27) Sam: “The Holy Pigtail lies forgotten amongst the horde of the mighty dragon Sssssam”
(14:27) Sam: “And the Only Slightly Grungy foam ear covers were last seen in the watery realm of Therdpahrty”
(14:28) Sam: “Only when you have gathered all three pieces and once again assembled the Gently Used Headset can you face the terrifying Cervar. Are you up to the challenge, sassy young heroine?”
(14:29) Sam: (King Clift is awaiting your response)
(14:29) Alissa: I am, your majesty!
(14:29) Sam: “Good, good. Now get out of my castle- these reports aren’t going to do themselves!”
(14:29) Sam: And so, Zeldissa was unceremoniously chucked out of the castle.
(14:30) Sam: And while she was rubbing her burgeoning bruises and muttering treasons under her breath, she heard a tiny *YOLO* from her pocket.
(14:31) Sam: She removed her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device to find Yuniss waving her tiny arms around in a strange, pixely dance
(14:32) Sam: *You must hurry back to Ekovah, Zeldissa. I fear the Safeguards holding back the Natgrid monsters are failing. If you do not hurry back, all of Ekovah may be absorbed by the Natgrid Forest!*
(14:32) Sam: And so, with the greatest of haste, Zeldissa retraced her steps to Ekovah.
(14:33) Sam: (Will Zeldissa be able to mend the Safeguards? Will she find the three pieces of the Gently Used Headset? Will she triumph over Cervar and bring peace and stability to the realm of New Ophis? Find out tomorrow as we begin the next exciting chapter of our quest)
(14:33) Alissa: LOL nooooo
(14:34) Alissa: Cliffhanger!
(14:34) Sam: HAH
(14:34) Sam: I see what you did there

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