The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Second)


I actually started writing this on Monday, but I forgot to email it to myself last night, so you get a double post to start this tale out. Lucky you.


(14:14) Alissa: Story timeeee
(14:14) Alissa: storay storaayyyyy time
(14:14) Alissa: st-st-st storayyy
(14:15) Sam: *doo doo doo doo*
(14:15) Sam: The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset
(14:15) Sam: (would you like to load last save? Y/N)
(14:15) Alissa: Yes!
(14:16) Sam: You didn’t save your progress LAST time. You are SO LUCKY there’s an automatic save system on this game.
(14:16) Sam: *loading last save*
(14:17) Sam: When last we left our heroine, she had returned to her homeland of Ekovah to fight off the approach of the nasty Natgrid Forest.
(14:18) Sam: Zeldissa approached the incredibly ornate gate to her village. The usual sounds of memo-laden chatter were not present. All was quiet.
(14:18) Sam: TOO QUIET
(14:19) Sam: Zeldissa ran to the home of the village elder, the Head…er Man
(14:19) Sam: “Elder, what has happened here?”
(14:20) Sam: “Oh, young Zeldissa,” the Head…er Man croaked. “A terrible misfortune has befallen us. The Safeguards have stopped working!”
(14:20) Sam: “But Elder, the Safeguards have NEVER worked,” Zeldissa said.
(14:20) Sam: “SILENCE CHILD,” commanded the oh-so-impressive Head…er Man
(14:22) Sam: “The Safeguards have protected this village from the Natgrid Forest since the days of the December Age. They have kept our little village safe and in supply of work for the peasants to do. The work of the peasants given by the Safeguards have kept Ekovah… okay, not flourishing, but surviving. Scraping by, really. I mean, we do okay. Most of the time.”
(14:23) Sam: *ON WITH IT, YOU OLD COOT* came a tiny voice from Zeldissa’s pocket.
(14:24) Sam: The Head…er Man’s trusty steward, Gnome Chomsky II, leapt forward, brandishing a strangely phallic weapon that nobody commented on but that made everyone feel a little bit uncomfortable.
(14:24) Sam: “What is that? Who dares question the Head…er Man’s authority?” He squeaked. Zeldissa unsuccessfully attempted to smother a giggle
(14:26) Sam: (be right back)
(14:32) Sam: Zeldissa pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device and showed them Yuniss.
(14:33) Sam: “Ah, a pixel pixie,” the Head…er Man said, nodding wisely. “It has been a few years since last I saw one. Feisty little creatures. Like bubble wrap. It’s okay, Gnome, the pixie is just sassy. That is not Zeldissa’s fault.”
(14:34) Sam: “But she laughed!” Gnome Chomsky II squeaked again. Zeldissa bit her lip and tried really hard not to make even a single quiet chortle.
(14:35) Sam: “That is because your voice is ridiculous, Gnome. Go back to your post,” the Head…er Man said. The steward slunk away, muttering.
(14:35) Sam: “Now, Zeldissa,” said the Head…er Man. “I will commune with the Safeguards to send us more work to keep the peasants busy, but I need you to venture into the Natgrid Forest to discover why they are trying to take over our land.”
(14:36) Sam: “In order to complete the task I set before you, you will need two things. First, a weapon.”
(14:36) Sam: *She’s got a stapler. Which she probably stole. She totally shouldn’t have it this early in the adventure* muttered Yuniss
(14:36) Sam: “Ah yes, a stapler. That will do nicely. But you will also need a SHIELB”
(14:37) Sam: “Uh… do you mean a shield?” Zeldissa asked.
(14:53) Sam: “Did I say shield, girl?” the Head…er Man snapped. “No. A SHIELB- a Supremely Helpful Identification for Employees/Leads Badge. It’s a terrible acronym and the damn thing isn’t even all that helpful.”
(14:53) Sam: “If it’s not helpful, why do I need it?” Zeldissa asked
(14:55) Sam: “Because it is the only thing that will grant you access to the Two Great Gates that lead to the cottage of Potter, the wise man of the Natgrid Forest. He knows everyt-”
(14:56) Sam: “Wait,” Zeldissa interjected (quite rudely, really- she should have respected her elders and let the Head…er Man finish)
(14:56) Sam: “Why are there Two Great Gates if the same SHIELB or badge or whatever will open them? Isn’t that a bit redundant?”
(14:58) Sam: “Woman, I did not design Potter’s security system,” the Head…er Man snapped. “Now let me finish so I can go take a damn nap. Potter knows everything that happens in the Natgrid Forest. He will be able to explain what is happening that has caused the forest to expand into our land.”
(14:58) Sam: “Okay. Fine. Where is this SHIELB thing?” Zeldissa asked
(14:59) Sam: “You must seek the Treesh, a kind dryad that lives on the border of Therdpahrty’s Kolecksion Lake. She will give you the SHIELB, provided you do her a favor.”
(15:00) Sam: “This is getting complicated,” Zeldissa muttered.
(15:00) Sam: “Well, that’s what you get for becoming an adventurer. It’s your own fault, really,” grumbled the Head…er Man. “Now be off with you. I must speak with the Safeguards, and you have a SHIELB to collect.”
(15:01) Sam: (fast travel to Kolecksion Lake? Y/N)
(15:01) Alissa: Yes!
(15:02) Sam: Too bad- you have to travel to this location by foot before you can fast travel. Silly adventurer.
(15:03) Sam: Zeldissa grumbled something about ‘fickle magic teleportation stones’ before starting off toward the land of Therdpahrty.
(15:04) Sam: The path to Therdpahrty was really well tended. Vendors lined the road, offering food and beverage to weary travelers (for a price, of course).
(15:05) Sam: Zeldissa looked at her money bag, sighed, and passed by the vendors, stopping instead to fill her waterskin at a nearby pond.
(15:06) Sam: The road was also remarkably short. Zeldissa soon found herself at the edge of a vast lake teeming with the native Kolecksion shark. She edged back uncomfortably and almost ran into a small woman who had snuck up behind her.
(15:07) Sam: “Hi!” the woman said brightly. On second glance, Zeldissa could see that the woman was no ordinary Hylian. She was dressed in flowing fabrics and had a crown of twigs and flowers woven into her long hair.
(15:08) Sam: Zeldissa thought she appeared willowy, which was ironic, because she was actually the dryad of an elm tree.
(15:08) Sam: “What brings you here?” asked the chipper little dryad.
(15:09) Sam: “I seek a SHIELB to access the home of the wise man Potter in the heart of the Natgrid Forest,” said our heroine.
(15:09) Sam: A tiny sneeze came from Zeldissa’s pocket.
(15:10) Sam: She pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device to find Yuniss sniffling and preparing to sneeze again.
(15:10) Sam: “What’s wrong with you?” Zeldissa asked
(15:13) Sam: *I’m allergic (choo) flowers* Yuniss wheezed
(15:13) Sam: “You’re DIGITAL” Zeldissa said
(15:13) Sam: *Don’t judge me!* Yuniss yelled
(15:14) Sam: “Uh, yeah. Anyway,” the dryad said. “I’m Treesh. And I have the SHIELB you need. But I wonder- do you have time to do a quick favor for me?”
(15:16) Sam: (Think carefully before you answer Treesh- you have much to do. Do you really have time for a sidequest? But can you afford to turn her down and have her not give you the SHIELB? The choice is yours- Accept the quest and perform a favor for Treesh? Y/N)
(15:17) Alissa: Yes, I came all this way to get the SHIELB
(15:18) Sam: “Oh, thank you!” Treesh said, clapping her hands with joy. “I need you to go to the nearby town of Lobi and speak with a man named Benson. He has a delivery for me, but he has been unable to leave town and I cannot leave my tree.”
(15:18) Sam: Zeldissa thought that seemed easy enough, so once again, she set off down the road.
(15:18) Sam: *I can’t believe you are running errands for a tree* muttered Yuniss
(15:20) Sam: “Oh no, low battery, what?!” Zeldissa said as she powered down her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device.
(15:20) Sam: *Oh, motherf-* and then Yuniss’ tiny form blinked off the screen.
(15:23) Sam: Zeldissa continued on in silence for a whole 26 seconds before the screen came back on.
(15:23) Sam: *I’m back!* Yuniss shrieked victoriously
(15:23) Sam: “Great,” Zeldissa said, rolling her eyes.
(15:24) Sam: Yuniss proceeded to sing the entire way to the village. Loudly. And off-key.
(15:30) Sam: Soon, Zeldissa found herself in Lobi. She headed toward the only illuminated building- the Fake Wood Desk, a local tavern
(15:32) Sam: Turns out, the place was pretty dead. Brightly lit, but empty. Just one guy behind the bar, moving glasses around a bit before staring off into space
(15:33) Sam: “Uh, hey, barkeep?” Zeldissa said awkwardly. “I’m looking for some guy named Benson.”
(15:36) Sam: “That’s me!” He said, weirdly enthusiastically. Zeldissa was a little unnerved by the sudden eye contact and forced smile.
(15:37) Sam: “Uh, yeah. Treesh said you have a package for her?” Zeldissa said, hit by a sudden hope that the package was not something inappropriate.
(15:38) Sam: “Oh, yes. Hold on, I have it right here,” he said, bustling around under the bar. “Here it is.”
(15:38) Sam: “Great. Thanks. I’ll just take it back to her and- ” Zeldissa started, attempting to grab the box. Benson snatched it back.
(15:39) Sam: “No no, not yet. First, you have to sign for it.” He produced a battered ledger from under the bar. “Let’s see- right there. Yeah. Oh, and what’s your village elder’s name? Because I’m going to need to contact him or her to verify you’re okay to transport this.”
(15:40) Sam: “Treesh sent me,” Zeldissa said. “She really needs this… whatever it is.”
(15:40) Sam: “Yes, I know, but I really need to talk to your elder-”
(15:41) Sam: “But that could take days, because the Head…er Man never answers mail promptly! And Treesh needs this now. And I need to get it to her so she can give me the stupid SHIELB and I can go talk to a Potter man and stop the forest from eating my village so that I can go on the king’s stupid quest to put a headset together and save the whole kingdom!”
(15:41) Sam: “Oh… Okay. Just sign here. You can just take it. I’m sure that’ll be okay,” Benson muttered.
(15:42) Sam: *You bet it will, buddy* came a voice from Zeldissa’s pocket.
(15:42) Sam: “What was that?” Benson asked.
(15:42) Sam: “Seriously buddy, I don’t have time to explain. Just give me the package,” said our very frustrated heroine.
(15:42) Sam: And so, Zeldissa left Lobi and returned to Treesh, package in hand.
(15:43) Sam: “Oh, thank you!” Treesh cried. “Now, if you would just mark your name down on this log…”
(15:44) Sam: Zeldissa looked around for another ledger (this was a strangely bureaucratic bit of country), but she couldn’t see one.
(15:44) Sam: “Uh… what log?”
(15:44) Sam: “That one right there,” Treesh said, pointing to an actual log. Zeldissa just sighed, took the proffered piece of chalk, and scrawled her name on the log.
(15:45) Sam: “Perfect!” the dryad said. “Here’s your SHIELB!”
(15:45) Sam: The dryad handed her a piece of bark with a stick figure drawing on it and ZELBISSER written on it.
(15:45) Sam: “Uh, that ‘s not my name,” our heroine said
(15:46) Sam: “Oh, it’s okay. It doesn’t really matter. It has your picture on it. That’ll be good enough!” said Treesh
(15:46) Sam: “…Right.”
(15:47) Sam: Still, with ridiculous SHIELB in hand, Zeldissa waved goodbye to the cheerful dryad and headed toward the Natgrid Forest.
(15:47) Sam: (It’s getting late. Save game? Y/N)
(15:47) Alissa: Yes!
(15:47) Sam: Good job, adventurer. Progress saved.
(15:48) Sam: (Tune in tomorrow for Zeldissa’s meeting with the wise man and her battle to save Ekovah. Such action! So minigames! Many adventure! WOW)

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