The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Fifth)

After a long wait, we return to our adventure. Our daring heroine has been captured by the tech wizard of Eyetee. Will she escape? FIND OUT NOW.

***

(12:38) Sam: But enough of that nonsense

(12:38) Sam: Because….

(12:38) Sam: It’s game time!

(12:39) Sam: *doo doo dee doo*

(12:39) Sam: (would you like to load last save? Y/N)

(12:39) Alissa: Yes!

(12:39) Sam: Zeldissa awoke to darkness. Utter darkness. She couldn’t even tell if her eyes were open or closed kind of darkness.

(12:40) Sam: She panicked. She was blind. Or her eyelids were broken.

(12:42) Sam: She almost stifled a scream. A tiny, high-pitched noise escaped her mouth. It was surprisingly loud. Like a dog whistle. Except audible to humans.

(12:43) Sam: The room was suddenly flooded in light. Which is what happens when someone, you know, turns a light on.

(12:44) Sam: Zeldissa’s eyes watered at the intensity of the fluorescent lights. She wasn’t even grateful her eyes were working. She is a selfish heroine.

(12:49) Sam: (yo- brief pause here. please aux 4)

(13:03) Sam: (resuming)

(13:08) Sam: “Ah, you’re awake now, sweets,” came a voice from just outside her field of vision. Zeldissa turned her head to see the wizard leaning against the doorframe, smirking.

(13:08) Sam: “Well, I was looking for the wizard,” Zeldissa said dryly. “Take it I’m in the right place?”

(13:09) Sam: “Oh yes, you’ve found me,” the strange man said. “The question is, what are you going to do with me now that you’ve found me?”

(13:09) Sam: “Oh god, what is wrong with you?” Zeldissa spat. “Are you hitting on me?”

(13:10) Sam: “Maybe,” the wizard purred. Zeldissa recoiled from the sound.

(13:10) Sam: And it was at this moment that she realized she was bound to her chair.

(13:10) Sam: Can’t believe it took her that long, really. Daft girl.

(13:11) Sam: “What? Why am I tied up?”

(13:12) Sam: “Seemed safer that way” the wizard said. “You flew into a rage the first time you woke up. Tried to attack me with a pair of scissors. You kind of crazy, you know that?”

(13:12) Sam: “YOU KNOCKED ME OUT, KIDNAPPED ME, AND TIED ME UP” Zeldissa screeched “And I’M the crazy one?!”

(13:19) Sam: “Yes,” the man said. “You are. Your face is all… red. And you’ve got the crazy eyes.”

(13:19) Sam: “…the crazy eyes?”

(13:19) Sam: “Yes.”

(13:20) Sam: “You are the worst,” she muttered. Our heroine looked down at the cables ensnaring her. The knots looked… complicated.

(13:21) Sam: “What are these?” she asked. “Figure 8s? Double windsors? Sailor Jerrys?”

(13:21) Sam: “…you don’t know anything about knots, do you?” the wizard asked.

(13:21) Sam: “No, I do not,” Zeldissa said. “I don’t TIE GIRLS UP on a regular basis.”

(13:22) Sam: “Neither do I,” the wizard said, grinning. “Just on special occasions.”

(13:22) Sam: The grin was starting to get a little creepy. More of a leer, really. Zeldissa struggled harder against the cables, but she was bound tight.

(13:23) Sam: (skill check: perception. rolling….)

(13:24) Sam: (imagine the sound of a die rolling)

(13:27) Sam: (a 13. Not bad)

(13:28) Sam: Zeldissa noticed something hard digging into her back. She could JUST twist her hand around to grab it.

(13:28) Sam: Oh my god, he left her the scissors. What a dumb wizard. Or a cocky one. Which really means the same thing here.

(13:29) Sam: Zeldissa wiggled a bit. The wizard just watched her, his brow furrowing (but his eyes lighting up, because he was watching her chest- AWKWARD).

(13:29) Sam: Zeldissa realized she needed to distract the wizard.

(13:29) Sam: (how will you distract him?)

(13:30) Sam: (Oh, that’s right- you have to participate. WITH NO SUGGESTIONS)

(13:31) Alissa: lol oh god… I guess, judging by the wizard’s character, awkward flirting (because I can’t do regular flirting)

(13:31) Sam: (wonderful)

(13:31) Sam: Zeldissa decided, gross as it was, she would need to play to this wizard’s lecherous side if she was going to get out of this.

(13:32) Sam: “I really admire a… person who can handle his… uh… cables,” she said. There was a lot of stammering.

(13:33) Sam: “You’re probably really…uh… strong to lug me up here in this tower. Which I assume I am. Strong like… a yak. You have yak-like qualities. But, like, a sexy yak. Sexy yak strength”

(13:34) Sam: *which is WHERE I assume I am. Bad narrator is bad

(13:35) Sam: The wizard stepped closer, still smiling in that way that was 87.5% creepy leer.

(13:42) Sam: “Mmm, you like your men strong, do you?”

(13:43) Sam: “Oh yes,” Zeldissa said. “So strong.”

(13:43) Sam: “What else do you like in a man, little adventurer?” he said, his voice getting lower. Throatier. Oh god, was he turned on?

(13:44) Sam: Zeldissa finally got her fingers on the scissors as she twisted into what she HOPED looked like a seductive pose (but really just kind of looked like a pretzel and a Rubik’s cube had a baby… still, the wizard had no real standards and didn’t care)

(13:44) Sam: She started sawing away at the cables.

(13:45) Sam: (strength check on the cables)

(13:45) Sam: (rolling)

(13:45) Sam: (clattery sounds of a 20-sided die bouncing around a table)

(13:45) Sam: (OH NO, IT WENT IN THE CHEETOS BAG)

(13:46) Sam: (sound of scrambling and crunching as someone digs out the die)

(13:46) Sam: (re-rolling)

(13:46) Sam: (a 6- those aren’t very strong cables, are they?)

(13:48) Sam: “Oh, you know, I like my men… uh… funny. Funny guys are good. Like, real funny. Not bad comedy funny. Not ‘haha, oh, I’m just laughing because I’m too awkward to say that isn’t funny’ but genuinely funny. Can’t-breathe-I’m-laughing-too-hard funny. Accidentally-swallowed-my-gum-and-choked-on-it-while-laughing-and-now-I’m-coughing-and-choking-and-might-die funny.”

(13:49) Sam: “I can be funny,” the man said, edging closer. “You want to hear a joke, pretty thing?”

(13:51) Sam: “Oh yes,” Zeldissa said. She batted her eyes in a manner she thought was flirty.

(13:51) Sam: “Uh, you okay? You got something in your eye? Are you having a seizure?” The wizard looked uncomfortable. And concerned. And still kinda pervy.

(13:53) Sam: “Oh, I’m fine,” she said, finally cutting through the cable. Somehow, by just cutting one cable, the entire mass of intricate ties and knots just fell to the floor around her.

(13:53) Sam: (we call that video game magic, kids)

(13:54) Sam: “What?” The wizard was flummoxed. Dumbfounded. Bewildered. Other synonyms for confused.

(13:55) Sam: “Someone’s about to have a bad hair day!” Zeldissa said, leaping toward the wizard, scissors poised to strike.

(13:56) Sam: “What?” he asked again. Zeldissa stopped, her dual blades pressed against his throat.

(13:56) Sam: “You heard me,” she said.

(13:57) Sam: “That was the WORST one-liner I’ve ever heard,” the wizard said. “It didn’t make sense. Why are you talking about haircuts?!”

(13:57) Sam: “Because I have scissors…” Zeldissa said, her confidence in her badassery waning. “You know. Scissors. Haircut.”

(13:58) Sam: “No, no, you didn’t even say haircut. You said bad hair DAY,” the wizard said. “Honestly, was that supposed to strike fear in my heart? You’re going to mess my hair up? That’s it?”

(13:58) Sam: “Well, no, I mean-”

(13:59) Sam: “Jesus, the very cliché ‘the joke’s on you now’ would have been better than that. At least we were talking about jokes.”

(13:59) Sam: “What if I’d said something about how giving you a hair cut would make you look funny?” Zeldissa asked

(14:00) Sam: “You are just making it worse. Seriously, what kind of adventurer can’t even toss out a good one-liner?” The wizard kept going, mocking our heroine for minutes.

(14:00) Sam: MINUTES

(14:00) Sam: (break time!)

(14:13) Sam: (resuming)

(14:14) Sam: Zeldissa pressed the deadly points of her scissors harder against the wizard’s throat. A small trickle of blood ran down his neck.

(14:15) Sam: “Listen, buddy, I will KILL you if you don’t shut up” she said. “I’m here for the headset… and where is my COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device?”

(14:15) Sam: “Oh, that,” he said, completely nonplussed. “I took that. Fascinating thing, a pixel pixie. I haven’t seen one in years. I’m going to keep her for my… collection.”

(14:15) Sam: “Your collection of what?”

(14:15) Sam: “You absolutely cannot handle the answer to that question, little adventurer,” the man said.

(14:18) Sam: “You’re right- I don’t want to know,” she muttered. “Just give me back the pixie, give me the headset, and I’ll let you live.”

(14:19) Sam: “Very well,” the wizard said with a shrug. “Follow me.” He turned and walked out of the room. Zeldissa followed him, scissors pointed squarely at his ass. She prodded him periodically to speed him up. His little yelps and glares pleased her.

(14:20) Sam: After a while, she started looking around. They appeared to be in an elaborate dungeon… there were a lot of, uh, restraints everywhere. And tools for… oh my, I’m not sure those are torture tools there. Zeldissa blushed.

(14:20) Sam: “How often do you, uh, get prisoners here?” she asked. The wizard stopped suddenly (which earned him a sharp poke in the butt) and turned to face her.

(14:21) Sam: He towered over her, that leer back on his face. Zeldissa held her scissors aloft a little shakily- she would never admit it, but she was a bit intimidated by his height.

(14:21) Sam: “Oh, I get PLENTY of prisoners. Lovely little things like you. Some come to me. Others I have to go steal. But it’s been so long, and I’m…”

(14:22) Sam: “I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE” she shreiked, jabbing his arm with the scissors. “KEEP WALKING, YOU CREEP.”

(14:22) Sam: (*shrieked. Christ)

(14:23) Sam: Still smiling, the wizard turned and kept walking. Zeldissa couldn’t tell if they were walking further into the dungeon or out of it, but eventually, he opened a door and revealed a stairwell.

(14:23) Sam: “Ladies first,” he gestured.

(14:23) Sam: “NO. You go first. I don’t even know where I’m going,” she said. Then she muttered “Plus, I don’t want you staring at my butt when we’re going up the stairs.”

(14:24) Sam: “Oh, I see,” he teased. “You’d rather stare at mine.”

(14:24) Sam: “JUST START WALKING” Zeldissa said, waving the scissors around erratically.

(14:24) Sam: The wizard started up the stairs, our heroine right behind him (definitely NOT looking at his ass)

(14:25) Sam: Up and up they climbed. Dear god, there were so many stairs. Couldn’t a tech wizard rig a damn elevator in his lair or something?

(14:26) Sam: This place didn’t look this tall from the outside. Seriously, how were there this many stairs? Our heroine was getting out of breath and her legs were starting to burn. The wizard wasn’t in THAT good of shape- there’s no way he climbed these all the time.

(14:28) Sam: He stopped at a landing with a dark blue door. He opened it and bowed, gesturing for her to go first. Almost gentlemanly. While suspicious, our plucky heroine stepped inside.

(14:29) Sam: The room was dimly lit. She could hear the sound of many fans and could see thousands of tiny lights blinking in rows extending far into the distance. It kind of looked like stars.

(14:29) Sam: “Pretty” she said, a little flippantly. And a little wheezily. That was too many stairs.

(14:30) Sam: “Your pixie is over here,” he said, walking off into the dim room. Zeldissa followed him warily.

(14:31) Sam: Her footsteps were a muffled noise amidst the whirring of the fans, but she heard a sudden loud clank that made her realize the material beneath her feet had changed.

(14:31) Sam: She looked down.

(14:31) Sam: Too late.

(14:31) Sam: She was standing on a metal circle. And the circle was starting to glow. Green.

(14:32) Sam: The wizard’s eyes shone with the same light in the darkness.

(14:32) Sam: “You should have just killed me,” the wizard said. “Now you’ll be mine. Forever.”

(14:33) Sam: Thin fiber optic cables began to slither out of tiny holes in the green circle. They crawled up her body, jabbing her, sliding under her skin.

(14:33) Sam: She couldn’t move to escape them

(14:34) Sam: All she could do was stand there, transfixed, staring in horror as the thin cables continued their way up to her head, more and more of them sliding under her skin like needles.

(14:35) Sam: She began to feel insubstantial. Filled with the green light racing through the cabling. When the cables reached her face, her vision went green. She could see millions of 1s and 0s racing across her vision, obscuring the world around her.

(14:35) Sam: “Welcome to my collection, sweets,” the wizard whispered in her ear.

(14:35) Sam: And everything went dark for a moment.

(14:38) Sam: Slowly, new things started to come into focus. The plush carpeting beneath her feet. The sultry red and gold fabrics draped from ceiling to floor. The soft cushions and beds scattered around the large, circular room. The quiet sound of muted female laughter.

(14:39) Sam: *Oh shit* came a familiar voice. Zeldissa turned to see Yuniss standing in front of her. Actually standing there. In person. The same height as our heroine and everything.

(14:40) Sam: *He got you in here too? We are SO screwed* Yuniss muttered. *I was counting on you to rescue me.*

(14:40) Sam: “Are we… are we in THE MATRIX?” Zeldissa gasped.

(14:41) Sam: *Worse,* Yuniss said. *We’re in the wizard’s digital harem. But, I mean, yeah, it’s basically The Matrix. Only naughtier*

(14:42) Sam: “Oh god” Zeldissa started hyperventilating a little. “Oh, I cannot stay here. We have to get out. And what are you WEARING?!”

(14:42) Sam: *More like what am I not wearing* Yuniss said *Because the answer to that would be CLOTHES. This is some kind of horrible fan service outfit*

(14:42) Sam: “Find something to wear!” Zeldissa said.

(14:43) Sam: *If this makes you angry, you’re going to be REALLY mad when you see what you’re wearing* the pixie said. Zeldissa looked down.

(14:43) Sam: “WHAT THE <MEMO>?”

(14:44) Sam: Zeldissa was furious. Fuming. Her purple hair started to look kind of ginger, if you looked at it in the right light.

(14:44) Sam: “OH NO,” she said. “I am NOT getting stuck in more of this sicko’s pervy fantasies. We are LEAVING.”

(14:45) Sam: *I don’t think we can* Yuniss said. *This whole thing is built in his head. We can’t escape unless he lets us out. Or…*

(14:45) Sam: “Or what?”

(14:45) Sam: *Or, you know, DIES* the pixie said *Which was your job. Now we’re stuck here until someone else comes along and manages to off the guy*

(14:50) Sam: “Can’t we kill him from in here?” she asked

(14:50) Sam: *I don’t think so* said the pixie, shaking her head. *This place isn’t… real, exactly.*

(14:51) Sam: “But it is his dream world, right?” Zeldissa asked.

(14:51) Sam: *Uh… sort of, yeah*

(14:51) Sam: “Hmm… we can’t kill him. So we’ll just have to get him to let us out.”

(14:51) Sam: *Uh… HOW?*

(14:52) Sam: Zeldissa brandished her scissors (which managed to transport with her to the weird Harematrix, because PLOT HOLE, DEAL WITH IT)

(14:53) Sam: “Let’s destroy the dream. Wreck the fantasy. He won’t want us in it then”

(14:54) Sam: And with that, our heroine attacked the Harematrix. She sliced cushions, she tore up draperies, she cut up some of the carpet (because she could). After a minute, Yuniss joined her, smashing bottles of wine, screeching loudly, all in all making the place a riot of noise and destruction.

(14:54) Sam: Then she set the place on fire

(14:54) Sam: “Nicely done” Zeldissa said. “Except for one thing.”

(14:55) Sam: *What’s that?*

(14:55) Sam: “There’s no way out and you just SET THE PLACE ON FIRE”

(14:56) Sam: *Oh* the pixie appeared thoughtful. *Huh. I didn’t think of that.*

(14:56) Sam: “Now we’re going to DIE HERE” Zeldissa said.

(14:56) Sam: *Yeah, but is that really worse than having to stay here ALIVE?*

(14:56) Sam: “I don’t want to die!” Zeldissa said.

(14:57) Sam: *Yeah, well, sorry about that. Too late now. May as well just embrace it* And with that, Yuniss walked into the flames.

(14:57) Sam: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

(14:59) Sam: “JESUS, STOP IT” came a booming voice. The room started shaking and melting into computer code around our heroine.

(15:00) Sam: After a few moments, she found herself once again in the large, dimly lit room. There was a little more light now, and the wizard sat at a desk, clutching his head in his hands and groaning.

(15:00) Sam: “You are evil” he hissed.

(15:01) Sam: “Uh, no. You’re evil. Now hand over the headset and the communication device and I’ll leave you here, in the ruins of your debauchery” Zeldissa said.

(15:02) Sam: “Fine. Christ. Whatever. The headset’s over there,” he said, gesturing toward some shelves against a nearby wall. “Small blue box. Top right. Just take the thing and go away, harpy”

(15:02) Sam: “And my communicator?”

(15:03) Sam: The wizard stood up. “Your little friend is right here-” he started reaching into his pants.

(15:03) Sam: “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE”

(15:04) Sam: “MY HAND IS IN MY POCKET” he yelled, tossing the communicator at her. “The pixie’s data was stored on that. I was just remote accessing it. It’s all still there. Now take her and the headset and just get out of here.”

(15:04) Sam: “Yuniss is alive?” she asked.

(15:05) Sam: “Yes. I just said that” he snapped. “Go. AWAY.”

(15:05) Sam: Zeldissa ran to the shelves, grabbed the box containing the headset, rushed to the door and-

(15:05) Sam: “Uh… so, how do I get out of here?” she asked.

(15:06) Sam: “Five stories down,” he growled. “Red door. Now GO”

(15:07) Sam: And so she did, almost falling down the stairs in her haste.

(15:07) Sam: Once outside, she started running.

(15:07) Sam: Which lasted for about twenty steps.

(15:07) Sam: Then she stopped, because she was exhausted. She pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device and powered it on.

(15:08) Sam: For a moment, the screen was dark. Zeldissa’s heart fell a little (because no matter how much they bicker, deep down, our heroine was growing fond of the annoying pixie).

(15:08) Sam: And then, in a blink, Yuniss was there

(15:08) Sam: *YAY, I DIDN’T DIE IN A FIRE*

(15:10) Sam: “Not for lack of trying,” Zeldissa said. “Don’t do that to me again!”

(15:10) Sam: *Awww, you missed me* Yuniss said.

(15:10) Sam: “I never said that”

(15:10) Sam: *But you implied it* The pixie’s grin was devilish.

(15:11) Sam: “Whatever” Zeldissa said. “We got the stupid headset. Where to now?”

(15:11) Sam: *Somewhere to get a snack?*

(15:11) Sam: “The fate of New Ophis rests on us. We can’t just go get snacks all the time!”

(15:11) Sam: *Fine* Yuniss grumbled. *You didn’t even let me fight the wizard*

(15:13) Sam: “Oh, I’m sorry, you were too busy trying to burn to death” Zeldissa snapped. “Let’s go back to Therdpahrty. We can fast travel there and the Only Slightly Grungy foam ear covers are there”

(15:14) Sam: (fast travel to the shores of Kolecksion Lake? Y/N)

(15:19) Sam: Whatever. Player is fast traveling.

(15:19) Sam: (there is a swish. a pop. a tinkly little jingle, like wind chimes)

(15:20) Sam: (and now you’re back at Kolecksion Lake)

(15:20) Sam: (and you have to go soon)

(15:20) Sam: (save game? Y/N)

(15:20) Alissa: Yes!

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