The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Sixth… Segment Two)

And now, back to our regular formatting (now with 90% more adventure!).

…I work really hard. Sometimes. I promise.


(12:00) Sam: (resuming after an extraordinarily extended pause)

(12:01) Alissa: lol YAY

(12:02) Sam: (recap: Zeldissa is doing a favor for Donna, a resident of Ekovah. Our heroine is now at the door of the home of Prynn Ter, a reclusive woman who lives on the outskirts of Lobi)

(12:02) Sam: (Prynn Ter is asking for a passcode:

[13:54:41]            “Passcode?”

[13:55:14]            (passcode?)


[13:55:45]            Before the three moons collide…              

[13:55:51]            they will move together and become one       


[13:59:28]            “What?”


[14:00:06]            Umh… before the three moons collide they will move together and become one)     


(12:03) Sam: “Girlie, just punch the passcode in on the keypad. I don’t want to hear any of your ridiculous prattle” the voice from the other side of the door said.

(12:04) Sam: “Crap” Zeldissa muttered. Donna had given her a silly phrase, not a series of numbers. She stared at the keypad apprehensively.

(12:04) Sam: (input passcode)

(12:04) Alissa: 4321

(12:05) Sam: *WHAT?!* Yuniss said. *How did you figure that out?*

(12:05) Sam: “Elementary, my dear pixie,” Zeldissa said as the door clicked open.

(12:06) Sam: Zeldissa walked into the house. It was very… gray. Like there was a thick layer of dust coating everything.

(12:06) Sam: There was a small thump as she opened the door.

(12:06) Sam: (reverse those- your narrator is doing this all out of order)

(12:06) Sam: Zeldissa sneezed.

(12:07) Sam: She heard mutterings from behind the opened door. She stepped further into the house and pushed it closed behind her to see a small, elderly woman on the ground, a battered three-legged stool on its side by her feet.

(12:08) Sam: “Couldn’t wait for me to move, could you?” the woman grumbled, slowly standing up. Zeldissa offered her a hand, but the old woman ignored her.

(12:10) Sam: “I’m sorry,” Zeldissa said. “I was just nervous. Donna sent me- she said you have some documents for her.”

(12:11) Sam: “Donna?”

(12:13) Sam: “Uh… you are Prynn, right?” Zeldissa said, suddenly unsure of herself. Even though she really shouldn’t be, as she’d already used the very specific passcode to get in. It’s pretty obvious she was in the right place.

(12:13) Sam: (brb- gotta talk to mah boss)

(12:57) Alissa: Resume story time? 

(12:58) Sam: (resuming)

(12:59) Sam: “Yeah, I’m Prynn,” the woman said, glaring at her suspiciously. “But who are you? You knew the passcode, but I don’t know you. How did you get it? Why are you here?”

(12:59) Sam: “…I just told you,” Zeldissa said. “Donna sent me for some documents you have of hers. That’s all.”

(13:01) Sam: “So you say,” muttered the crazy old woman. “How do I know you’re not here to steal my magic toner?”

(13:01) Sam: “Your magic WHAT?”

(13:02) Sam: “TONER, you deaf child,” the old woman screeched. “My toner is the most precious item I own. And I bet you’re here to steal it.”

(13:02) Sam: Zeldissa looked around the house. As she suspected, the gray was due to a pervasive layer of dust coating everything.

(13:03) Sam: Everything, that is, except a section of floorboard visible in the other room.

(13:04) Sam: Zeldissa sprinted toward it, vaulting over a dirty ottoman like she was wearing enchanted boots (which she wasn’t, because she’s upgraded very little of her gear and might die horribly if she doesn’t do so soon).

(13:05) Sam: “YOU STAY AWAY FROM THAT!” shrieked the old woman

(13:06) Sam: Zeldissa flipped a completely improbably (and probably physically impossible) 6 times in the air, landing in a smooth slide ending directly in front of the patch of clean floor.

(13:06) Sam: Dust flew behind her, a spray of filth marking her oh-so-impressive display.

(13:07) Sam: She sneezed, completely ruining the moment, but pulled out her scissors, pried up the floorboard, and removed a box from underneath the floor.

(13:09) Sam: “NOOOOOO!!!” the old woman cried, falling on her butt to the floor and beating her knobbly hands against the ground. Puffs of dust plumed around her tantrum-ridden body, getting lodged in the creases of her tear-stained face and leaving large rivulets of muck marring her features.

(13:09) Sam: It was truly the most pathetic and amusing of sights.

(13:10) Sam: “Listen lady,” Zeldissa said. “I don’t care about this stupid box. I don’t care about your toner. I just want the documents for Donna. You give me those, and I’ll give you back the box. No harm done.”

(13:12) Sam: “GIVE IT BACK TO ME” the woman cried, her voice cracking from the strain of her screeching. “GIVE ME MY TONER!”

(13:14) Sam: “GIVE ME THE PAPERS” Zeldissa thundered. She was actually pretty scary when she was mad. There was a commanding nature to her presence that was not there most of the time.

(13:14) Sam: The old woman sniffled, but fell still, her eyes wide and watery.

(13:14) Sam: “But…but the toner,” she whimpered.

(13:14) Sam: “THE PAPERS” Zeldissa said. “NOW”

(13:15) Sam: The old woman creakily got to her feet and hobbled into another room. Warily, Zeldissa followed her, keeping a tight grip on the box (and trying not to think about the amount of dust and filth covering her after her epic slide).

(13:16) Sam: Prynn walked to a roll top desk, heaved it open with considerable effort (she really should consider getting a new desk that’s easier on her old muscles), and grabbed a sheaf of paper from the corner.

(13:16) Sam: She thrust it out toward our heroine, her arm quavering.

(13:16) Sam: “Here’s the papers,” she said. She sounded… broken. Defeated.

(13:18) Sam: “Thank you,” Zeldissa said, snatching them from her.

(13:18) Sam: For one terrible moment, our heroine thought about walking out the door with the toner, just to be spiteful.

(13:19) Sam: But she’s the heroine, and she can’t be THAT cruel. Wouldn’t fit her alignment.

(13:21) Sam: So, she held the box out to the old woman.

(13:21) Sam: “As promised” Zeldissa stated. “Your toner. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.”

(13:22) Sam: With a springing leap that was frankly far more spry than Zeldissa thought Prynn was capable of, the old woman snatched the box out of her hand.

(13:22) Sam: “My toner,” she murmured, stroking the box and cradling against her face. “My sweet, sweet toner. Mmmm”

(13:22) Sam: *This is getting creepy* muttered Yuniss

(13:23) Sam: “Yeah… let’s go” Zeldissa said, and hurried out of the house.

(13:25) Sam: Zeldissa scampered back down to the road.

(13:26) Sam: (fast travel to Ekovah? Y/N)

(13:26) Alissa: Yes!

(13:27) Sam: Zeldissa pulled out her fast travel stone. It began to glow a brilliant blue….

(13:28) Sam: “Hey girl, wait!” came a voice. The stone went inert as Zeldissa stopped concentrating and looked up to see the friendly woman from Lobi running toward her.

(13:29) Sam: “I’m glad I caught you,” the woman said, stopping short of our heroine and breathing heavily. “I ran all the way here- I will be feeling that tomorrow.”

(13:35) Sam: “You should take it easy,” Zeldissa said smugly. “Not everyone is a toned and trained adventurer like me.”

(13:35) Sam: *Said the girl who was complaining about WALKING 5 steps a few minutes ago* muttered Yuniss.

(13:35) Sam: “Shut up” hissed Zeldissa

(13:37) Sam: “Right…” said the woman. “Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me”

(13:37) Sam: “With what?”

(13:37) Sam: “My brother went into the castle town a while ago and I haven’t heard back from him” the woman said. “I’m worried he got into some kind of trouble. Could you maybe look for him?”

(13:39) Sam: (accept quest? Y/N)

(13:39) Alissa: Yes because I can’t resist side quests

(13:39) Sam: (me neither- which is why it took me 127 years to beat that stupid game I was playing the last few weeks)

(13:40) Sam: “Okay,” Zeldissa sighed. “What’s his name? What does he look like? Why was he there?”

(13:42) Sam: “His name’s Marshall” she said. “He’s about this tall (she gestures vaguely) and pretty good looking. He was just going to town to get some fizzy drinks. He loves the fizzy drinks. But that was WEEKS ago. I don’t know what happened to him.”

(13:47) Sam: “Okay…” Zeldissa said. “Fine. I’ll try to find him. I know a guy there. He’s good at finding things.”

(13:47) Sam: “Oh, thank you!” the woman said. “Bless your heart.”

(13:47) Sam: “Uh… no problem” Zeldissa said. “Now, um, if you’ll excuse me… gonna fast travel… okay?”

(13:48) Sam: “Yes, yes, of course,” the woman said. “Just bring my brother back safe.”

(13:48) Sam: “I’ll try” Zeldissa shrugged. And with that, she disappeared in a flurry of bluish sparks.

(13:49) Sam: (swish. jingle. other magical noises)

(13:49) Sam: Zeldissa reappeared in the middle of Ekovah. A young girl waved to her, then went back to her chalk doodles on the ground.

(13:50) Sam: Zeldissa walked to Donna’s house and knocked on the door.

(13:50) Sam: After a few moments, the blonde appeared at the doorway, smiling.

(13:50) Sam: “Oh, Zeldissa!” she cried. “Did you get the deed?”

(13:50) Sam: (did you?)

(13:50) Sam: (you could totally lie and keep it for yourself, you know)

(13:51) Alissa: Yes I did

(13:51) Sam: Because Zeldissa was selfless and noble and all things a heroine should be (except when she wasn’t), she handed Donna the deed to her father’s farm.

(13:51) Sam: “Thank you so much, Zeldissa!” she cried. “I don’t have much, but here’s a little something for your trouble.”

(13:52) Sam: (doo doo dee doo)

(13:52) Sam: (item acquired: tape dispenser)

(13:52) Sam: (monies acquired: 4 silver pieces)

(13:53) Sam: “Ooo, tape” Zeldissa said, her eyes growing large and shiny.

(13:54) Sam: She stood there on the porch, staring raptly at the tape for many minutes. Too many minutes. Donna actually got a little uncomfortable. She cleared her throat. She called Zeldissa’s name. But the girl was lost in a tapey trance.

(13:54) Sam: So Donna shut the door on our heroine.

(13:54) Sam: And the noise finally startled her out of her awestruck reverie.

(13:55) Sam: Zeldissa pocketed the tape and walked back down the road. The young girl from before called her name.

(13:55) Sam: “Zeldissa! Over here!”

(13:55) Sam: Zeldissa walked over to the girl.

(13:56) Sam: “Hi Sierra,” she said. “What are you working on today?”

(13:56) Sam: “I’m drawing an undead pony!” the girl said. “But I need some red chalk. Do you have any?”

(13:56) Sam: “Noooo” our heroine said.

(13:56) Sam: “Oh,” the girl said, her face falling. “Well, thanks anyway.”

(13:56) Sam: “I’ll keep an eye out on my travels” Zeldissa said encouragingly.

(13:57) Sam: “Oh, thank you!” the girl said, smiling again.

(13:58) Sam: “Fair Zeldissa, wait!” a voice cried out. She turned to see Romeo running down the road to her.

(14:00) Sam: “Dearest maiden, if you could find it in your sweet heart, could you perhaps look for some Viko Root on your travels? Mrs. Blessing injured herself yesterday and I need some Viko Root to brew a potion to ease her suffering. Please, dearest lady, only a heroine as beautiful and brave as you could snatch the Viko Root from the heart of the Natgrid Forest.”

(14:00) Sam: (oh, break time)

(14:17) Sam: (accept quest? Y/N)

(14:18) Alissa: Yes, after I find the brother

(14:18) Sam: (the narrator really doesn’t care what order you do the quests in)

(14:18) Sam: “Oh, thank you, lovely Zeldissa,” Romeo said, bowing low.

(14:19) Sam: “No problem” our heroine said.

(14:19) Sam: Boy, her quest log sure was filling up

(14:21) Sam: (Quest Log: -find Lobi woman’s brother

-find 3 Viko Root samples for Romeo

-find 1 piece of red chalk for Sierra

-take nap

-obtain Only Slightly Grungy earpieces from Therdpahrty

-obtain Holy Pigtail from the lair of Sssssam

-save New Ophis from Cervar)

(14:22) Sam: (select active quest)

(14:22) Alissa: Take nap-I need more energy

(14:23) Sam: Our heroine decided to ignore the pressing weight of other people’s needs and the plight of her whole kingdom in order to indulge in a cat nap. Truly, she is the most selfish of heroines.

(14:23) Sam: Zeldissa wandered back to her cube…er, HOUSE and flopped down on the bed.

(14:23) Sam: *Do you really think this is the best time for a nap?* Yuniss chastised.

(14:23) Sam: “SLEEP MODE” Zeldissa shouted. And soon, both our heroine and the pixel pixie were in a deep sleep.

(14:32) Sam: (3 hours pass)

(14:33) Sam: Zeldissa awoke, slightly refreshed, slightly groggy, with sleep tangled hair and unsightly pillow marks on her cheek.

(14:34) Sam: “Okay, Zeldissa said, “Time to quest!”

(14:34) Sam: (select quest)

(14:34) Alissa: Find that lady’s bro-bro

(14:35) Sam: (narrator will ignore that atrocious phrasing)

(14:35) Sam: (you’re welcome)

(14:35) Sam: (fast travel to castle town? Y/N)

(14:35) Alissa: Yes

(14:35) Sam: (seriously, I’m running out of magical noises here. whizz. zip. schwing)

(14:37) Sam: Zeldissa arrived in the castle town. It was mid-afternoon, so the place was bustling. Someone ran into her and knocked her to the ground.

(14:37) Sam: “Watch it” the dude spat as he hurried past. Zeldissa considered taking her scissors to him, but her heroic side stayed her hand.

(14:37) Sam: Barely.

(14:38) Sam: Zeldissa stood up and dusted herself off. She knew that if anyone could help her locate the Lobi woman’s missing brother, it was Terr. Problem was, she didn’t know where Terr was. Or how to find him.

(14:49) Sam: Her only recourse was to head back to the shady shack where the Trainer lived and shake him down for info.

(14:58) Sam: Soon, she stood before the Trainer.

(14:58) Sam: “Hey, Trainer” she said. He looked up from the counter.

(14:58) Sam: “Oh, purple haired girl” he said. “How are you?”

(14:58) Sam: “Uh… fine. Listen, do you know how to find Terr?”

(15:00) Sam: “Oh yes, the elusive Terr” the Trainer said gleefully. “I do know where to find him- but it will cost you.”

(15:01) Sam: “…Seriously?!”

(15:01) Sam: “Information is power, little adventurer,” the Trainer said. “And the cost of my information is…”

(15:03) Sam: “No, you know what?” Zeldissa said, advancing on the Trainer, scissors and stapler in hand. “I have had it with you people and your silly trades and deals. So, I have one of my own. You either tell me where Terr is, or I go ‘American Psycho’ on your face.”

(15:03) Sam: “American what?”

(15:03) Sam: “NEVERMIND”

(15:03) Sam: Zeldissa screamed and launched herself at the Trainer, weapons at the ready.

(15:05) Sam: “OKAY OKAY, CHRIST,” he said, holding up his hands. “Terr lives just around the corner. But this time of day, you’ll likely find him at the Profloor Pub, trying to con people out of their money.”

(15:05) Sam: “Con?”

(15:05) Sam: “Oh sweetie,” the Trainer said, shaking his head. “You didn’t figure it out? He’s the biggest con artist in all of New Ophis.”

(15:05) Sam: “But he helped me!” Zeldissa said. “He didn’t con me.”

(15:06) Sam: “Yet” the Trainer said. “Ever heard of the long con, girl? He’s probably laying the foundation to rob you blind down the road.”

(15:06) Sam: “You’re lying” Zeldissa spat, walking out the door. “Terr is a good man. I’ll prove it to you.”

(15:07) Sam: Of course, once back on the street, Zeldissa had no idea where this Profloor Pub could be. She wandered around until she found a town guard, who directed her to the warm lights of the pub.

(15:07) Sam: She walked in the door to the sounds of piano music and raucous laughter. The smell of roasted meats and ale hit her nose.

(15:08) Sam: The place was busy, and serving girls were spinning about the tables, delivering food and drink to the patrons.

(15:13) Sam: Terr sat in the corner, people huddled around him, as he shuffled a deck of cards and laughed around the cigar clutched in the corner of his mouth.

(15:14) Sam: Zeldissa squeezed through the crowd until she stood near the table. Terr looked up at her, but didn’t register any surprise, just gave her a slow, easy smile.

(15:14) Sam: “Well, well, if it isn’t the little adventurer,” he said warmly. “And what brings you to my little game?”

(15:15) Sam: “I’m actually looking for someone,” Zeldissa said. “I was hoping you could help me.”

(15:15) Sam: Terr grinned again and waved the crowd away. They dispersed grudgingly and he gestured to the seat across the table from him.

(15:16) Sam: “Take a seat,” he said easily. She sat down, suddenly wary of his motives. Now that she got a second look at him, she could believe the con artist label. But she didn’t want to believe it. She wanted to believe he was just the helpful gentleman she’d met before.

(15:19) Sam: “Now, who are you looking for?” he asked her.

(15:20) Sam: “I’m looking for a young man who came here a few weeks ago. About your height. Named Marshall. His sister in Lobi is worried about him”

(15:20) Sam: Zeldissa saw a flicker of recognition flare in his eyes before he hid it behind yet another easy smile. If Terr was a con man, he wasn’t quite as good as the Trainer thought.

(15:21) Sam: “I’m afraid I’ve never heard of this fellow,” Terr said. “Maybe he’s already left town.”

(15:22) Sam: “Oh, but you have to know SOMEONE who might have seen him,” Zeldissa pressed.

(15:24) Sam: “I’m afraid not,” Terr said, his smile becoming a bit brittle. Zeldissa squashed a smirk and pressed harder.

(15:25) Sam: “Oh, I think you do,” she said. “You just don’t want to tell me. I wonder why that is?”

(15:28) Sam: “I don’t know anything,” Terr said. His voice had lost it’s warm tone and was now clipped and a little harsh.

(15:28) Sam: “How about a game?” Zeldissa said, smiling. She picked up the deck of cards. “You win, I leave you alone. I win, you tell me what you know about my missing boy.”

(15:29) Sam: Terr’s smile returned. Lazy. Slow. Smug.

(15:29) Sam: “I like the sound of that,” he said. “I’ll deal.”

(15:29) Sam: (MINIGAME TIME)




(15:48) Sam: (game saved since you are at my desk and probably won’t go back to yours before the end of the day)

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