The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Fifteenth)

Sorry for the dual formats on this post- my chat program was being a pain Friday.



[07:53:39] *dooodly a-doo deeedle doooooo*
[07:53:44] (load last save? Y/N



[07:53:46]   Yes!



[07:55:12] “Now… do you know the location of Sssssam’s lair?” Zeldissa asked the innkeeper as she sipped her cider. The innkeeper paled further.
[07:55:45] “I… You… You can’t go up there” the mistwraith whispered. “No one who enters Sssssam’s lair ever returns!”
[08:04:34] “Well, I’m not just anyone” said Zeldissa, her previous cave adventure fading into distant memory and her cocky self-assurance returning.
[08:07:18] “You’re a fool” hissed the innkeeper. “A damn fool.”
[08:13:19] “Hey now, you face-snatching wench,” Zeldissa snapped. “I didn’t come here asking for your judgment. I came here for a warm drink, a fire, and some information. If you cannot provide me with these, I will leave.”
[08:44:18] The innkeeper just stared at our heroine for a moment. “I can’t tell if you are brave or just crazy,” she muttered.
[08:44:34] *Oh, she’s crazy* came a tiny voice from deep in Zeldissa’s pack.
[08:47:13] “What’s that?” the innkeeper asked as Zeldissa sighed and pulled her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device from her pack.
[08:47:48] “It really was too much to ask that the cold and snow would toast your little circuits, wasn’t it?” Zeldissa sighed. The innkeeper stepped a little closer.
[08:47:52] “Yuniss, is that you?”
[08:49:50] *Sytrix?* the little pixie cried. *I haven’t seen you in YEARS*
[08:51:46] “Technically, you’ve NEVER seen me” the innkeeper teased. “How have you been? Goddesses, the last time I saw you was-“
[08:53:03] *That leprechaun’s party* Yuniss finished. *Yeah… I woke up in the middle of a swamp, surrounded by trolls who were worshipping me like a goddess. I don’t know what happened that led me there, but I spent three months there before they realized I wasn’t actually divine*
[10:46:46] “Oh, I remember that party” the innkeeper laughed. “That was so LONG ago. We’ve missed you around the kingdom.”
[10:47:53] *Oh, I’ve been busy* Yuniss said vaguely. For the first time, Zeldissa wondered where Yuniss had come from and why she was, uh, helping her on this quest.
[10:48:59] “Listen, this little reunion is great and all” Zeldissa interjected, “but we really need to get up that mountain… or the other one. Which mountain does Sssssam even live in?”



(10:49) Sam: “Um… Malphunksion,” the innkeeper said.

(10:50) Sam: “Oh yeah, I knew that.” Zeldissa was getting concerned the cold had damaged her brain somehow.

(10:51) Sam: The innkeeper sighed heavily. “You really are dead set on going, aren’t you?”

(10:51) Sam: *I’m not* Yuniss piped up. *But… well, we have to*

(10:52) Sam: “Yes, you have the look of youthful, foolhardy PURPOSE about you” the innkeeper said. “That’ll get you killed if you aren’t careful.”

(10:52) Sam: “Can you help us or not?” Zeldissa asked sharply. She was getting ruder and ruder as this adventure went on. Some heroine.

(10:52) Sam: “Perhaps” the innkeeper said. “However, I would need something for my troubles. You know how it is.”

(10:53) Sam: (The innkeeper is asking for a trade. What do you offer her?)

(10:53) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(10:54) Alissa: (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, fine what is my inventory)

(10:55) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(10:56) Alissa: umh…. the gem

(10:56) Sam: Good call

(10:56) Alissa: I need to upgrade how much my inventory can hold -____-

(10:59) Sam: (hmm… yeah, this game sucks for upgrades, doesn’t it?)

(10:59) Alissa: (lol a little but its okay, at least my barely there shoes got upgraded… once   )

(11:02) Sam: (oh yeah- you is kind of speedy now)

(11:02) Sam: (you also have a spiffy new t-shirt)

(11:02) Alissa: (true, but its almost making me freeze to death, lol not an upgrade at all)

(11:05) Sam: (eh, well, whatevs)

(14:01) Sam: Zeldissa offered the innkeeper her extremely shiny gem. “I, uh, I have this thing here…”

(14:12) Sam: The innkeeper looked at her like she had grown a second head. “What on earth would I do with that?”

(14:12) Sam: “Use it to… buy… things?”

(14:13) Sam: “That’s not money!” the innkeeper…er…right… she has a name… SYTRIX cried. “Now if you had a lizard…”

(14:14) Sam: “What is with these people and lizards?” muttered Zeldissa.

(14:19) Sam: Apparently, the shiny gem wasn’t going to work. There weren’t that many things in her inventory (as the player had whined about before)… what could the innkeeper want?

(14:20) Sam: Zeldissa looked around the place. Pretty Spartan, now that she was paying attention. A bit drab. Not terribly cozy at all.

(14:20) Sam: Probably hard for an insubstantial spirit to acquire decorations.

(14:20) Sam: Sighing, Zeldissa took a sip of her cooling cider.

(14:21) Sam: (Want to try something else?)

(14:21) Alissa: Blargghhhh   I have to give her the pony don’t I…

(14:21) Sam: Zeldissa thought the innkeeper would probably like that pony sculpture she’d picked up.

(14:22) Sam: But she didn’t want to give it up.

(14:22) Sam: “Well, guess I have nothing for you,” our heroine said, finishing her drink and tossing a few coins on the table. “It’s been interesting, but I have a dragon to face.” Zeldissa stood up from the table and started toward the door.

(14:24) Sam: “Oh, fiddlesticks” Sytrix said with a little stomp of her foot. “Wait.”

(14:25) Sam: *Since when do you say ‘fiddlesticks’?* Yuniss asked

(14:27) Sam: “Since I bought an inn and became respectable” sniffed the mistwraith.

(14:27) Sam: *…Right*

(14:27) Sam: “I can’t let you go out there unprepared,” the innkeeper said. “It would be wrong. If you want to go to your death, that’s your business, but I’m not going to be the one that killed you.”

(14:28) Sam: *Well, technically the cold would kill us* Yuniss said.

(14:28) Sam: “Do you want this coat or not?” snapped the innkeeper. Zeldissa shot the pixie a glare.

(14:28) Sam: “I would like that very much,” our heroine stated.

(14:29) Sam: “Let’s be honest,” Sytrix said. “I have no use for the thing.”

(14:29) Sam: *You and your magic clothes* muttered Yuniss.

(14:31) Sam: “You seem determined to go up that mountain,” Sytrix continued. “So I guess I’ll help you the best I can. I know that Sssssam’s lair lies high up on Malphunksion. The path from the village leads part way up. But after that, you will have to scale the peak some other way.”

(14:31) Sam: “I’m really not a mountain climber” Zeldissa said. The innkeeper nodded sagely.

(14:32) Sam: “Most people aren’t” she said. “It’s easy enough for a wraith like me. But you… you’ll need some help.”

(14:32) Sam: “What kind of help?”

(14:34) Sam: “Probably some rope or something,” the innkeeper said. “And this snippet I heard a traveler say once before:

At the end of the path, the way will be shone

Great spears of ice stuck into the stone

A single wrong move and your death you will meet

(14:36) Sam: But choose the right path and you’re in for a treat

A second path snakes to the great dragon’s lair

A dangerous place where you must tread with care

But for those full of guile or a thief’s deadly grace

That room full of treasure is a wondrous place”

(14:37) Sam: *Great, more cryptic poems* Yuniss said. *This adventure is GREAT*

(14:38) Sam: “Sounds like there’s a way up,” Zeldissa said. “And I have some cabling. I think I will be able to figure it out.”

(14:39) Sam: “Be careful,” the innkeeper said, waving slightly as Zeldissa donned her fancy new coat and stepped out into the storm again.

(14:39) Sam: Actually, in the short time she’d been inside, the weather had calmed a bit. It was still cold, but in her cozy new coat, she remained quite warm. She even found a pair of gloves in the pocket. (SCORE!)

(14:41) Sam: So, our heroine walked out of the little village at the base of the mountains and headed toward Malphunksion peak.

(14:46) Sam: The path did not go far, honestly. Part way up the mountain, it abruptly ended. On one side, the path sheared off and dropped away to the village below. It was… okay, actually it was a pretty far drop. Zeldissa had been on the path longer than she thought.

(14:46) Sam: On the other side, the mountain continued to rise above her.

(14:47) Sam: Great stones and shards of ice jutted this way and that out of the peak.

(14:47) Sam: All along it.

(14:47) Sam: Almost like…

(14:47) Sam: Zeldissa paused and cocked her head to the side.

(14:47) Sam: (it was her thinking pose)

(14:47) Sam: She pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device and held it up in front of her.

(14:47) Sam: “Hey, Yuniss, can you see… can you see a pattern here?”

(14:48) Sam: There was a series of tiny beeps and blips, then Yuniss spoke up. *Yes, actually. Take three steps to the right and you should see it.*

(14:52) Sam: So Zeldissa took three steps to the right. And what had been an almost complete picture sharpened into view. Among the rocks and ice, some giant shards of ice seemed to stand out, shimmering with a strange bluish light.

(14:52) Sam: They jutted out of the mountainside in five rows.

(14:53) Sam: “At the end of the path, the way will be shone

Great spears of ice stuck into the stone

” Zeldissa muttered.

(14:53) Sam: *A single wrong move and your death you will meet* Yuniss continued. *I think there’s only one way up these.*

(14:53) Sam: “Must be some kind of magic,” Zeldissa said. Yuniss nodded. “Well then, I guess there’s nothing to do but climb.”

(14:54) Sam: The first row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:54) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3, 4)

(14:54) Alissa: 2

(14:55) Sam: Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(14:55) Sam: And halfway up, the spike snapped off the mountainside. Zeldissa fell, the spike impaling her on the ground in a gruesome, hideous, spikey death.

(14:56) Sam: (You have died. Load auto save 1? Y/N)

(14:56) Alissa: Yes -_____-

(14:56) Sam: *doo dee doo doo*

(14:56) Sam: The first row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:56) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3, 4)

(14:56) Alissa: 3

(14:57) Sam: Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(14:57) Sam: (shoot- lazy narrator tried copying and totally meant to change second to third there. sorry)

(14:58) Sam: The spike held, and Zeldissa scrambled onto it. It was surprisingly wide, able to act as a sort of small platform for her as she prepared to climb to the next row of spikes.

(14:58) Sam: The second row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:58) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(14:59) Alissa: 2…

(14:59) Sam:  Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(15:00) Sam: And sure enough, she scrambled up the mountainside and clambered onto the ice spike.

(15:00) Sam: (good for you)

(15:00) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:00) Sam:  (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:01) Alissa: 1!

(15:01) Sam: Zeldissa tossed her cabling toward the first ice spike. It was a bit far.

(15:01) Sam: She missed.

(15:01) Sam: But unflagged, she tried again.

(15:01) Sam: Throwing her cabling harder this time.

(15:03) Sam: So hard, in fact, that she slipped and fell off the spike. She banged down the mountainside, bouncing about and rolling off the cliff entirely to die a horrid, squelchy death in the street of the town below.

(15:03) Sam: (You have died. Load auto save 2? Y/N)

(15:03) Alissa: what the what… how many saves do I have? YES

(15:04) Sam: (the save numbers are arbitrary, honestly. Your awful narrator contemplated only allowing an auto save at the start of the puzzle and making you do it all over every time, but she’s being generous now)

(15:04) Sam: *doo doo dee doo*

(15:04) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:04) Alissa: 3!

(15:04) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:04) Sam: (…

(15:04) Sam: )

(15:04) Alissa: oops, lol, tHREE

(15:05) Sam: (couldn’t even let the narrator copy and paste the question, could you?)

(15:05) Sam: (just for that…)

(15:05) Sam: Zeldissa died. Again.

(15:05) Sam: There was SO MUCH BLOOD

(15:05) Sam: OH GOD, THE BLOOD

(15:05) Sam: I’M GOING TO VOMIT

(15:05) Sam:  (You have died. Load auto save 2? Y/N)

(15:05) Alissa: Yes -___-

(15:06) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:06) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:06) Alissa: now I choose 2

(15:06) Sam: Zeldissa tossed her line up to the second ice spike. With a great huff of effort, she dragged her tired self up to the next row of spike.

(15:06) Sam: Boy, all this effort (and dying) was getting to her.

(15:07) Sam: The fourth row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:07) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2)

(15:07) Alissa: 1

(15:08) Sam: Zeldissa lassoed the first ice spike and started climbing. About halfway up, she felt a great rumble from the mountain…

(15:16) Sam: (HAHAHA, suspense)

(15:18) Alissa: -__-

(15:37) Sam: The mountain rumbled. Some rocks shifted about and tumbled down on Zeldissa’s left.

(15:37) Sam: But her spike held and she climbed atop it to gaze at the final row of icy spikes.

(15:37) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2)

(15:38) Alissa: 2!

(15:38) Sam: (o em gee)

(15:39) Sam: With a great effort, Zeldissa tossed her line up over the second ice spike. She heaved her tired body up and up.

(15:39) Sam: At some point, she made the mistake of looking down.

(15:39) Sam: The path was a loooooooooooooooooooooooong way below her.

(15:40) Sam: Her gloved hands tightened on the cable and she climbed a little faster.

(15:40) Sam: Soon, she had scurried up the ice spike and up onto the ledge above it.

(15:40) Sam: Lying there, gasping with both effort and fear, Zeldissa realized she must be lying on the hidden second path.

(15:41) Sam: “A second path snakes to the great dragon’s lair

” she whispered. “We’re on the right track.”

(15:42) Sam: She forced herself to her feet. The ledge she was standing on was narrow- far more narrow than our heroine would prefer.

(15:43) Sam: Slowly, she picked her way along it. The wind gusted around her, causing her to cling to the rocky face on her left.

(15:43) Sam: Up and up the narrow little path wove, and up and up our intrepid heroine strove.

(15:43) Sam: (hah, rhymes)

(15:44) Sam: The cold was even more biting here than down in the village below, and even Zeldissa’s fancy new coat was not enough to keep her warm. Her teeth started chattering.

(15:45) Sam: “Is… it… much… further?” she asked aloud. She heard Yuniss’ tiny voice from her pocket.

(15:45) Sam: *I don’t think so. I’m getting a reading up ahead. A large cave or something.*

(15:45) Sam: Sure enough, within minutes our heroine spotted a large cave mouth come into view. Jagged rocks overhang the entrance, giving it the appearance of a fierce, terrible maw.

(15:46) Sam: Zeldissa edges close and peered into the cave.

(15:46) Sam: She could see nothing but darkness behind the row of jagged rocks.

(15:46) Sam: “Great,” she muttered. “Another freaking cave.”

(15:47) Sam: And with a not-at-all-heroic slouch, slunk into the darkness of the cave.

(15:47) Sam: Where a dragon was waiting.

(15:47) Sam: (Well, it’s getting about that time. Save game? Y/N)

(15:47) Alissa: Yes, lol I knew you’d stop there

(15:47) Sam: Well, of course

The Legend of Zelda: Gently Used Headset (Part the Fourteenth)

A super short section, because I forgot about this until far too late in the day today.


(15:21) Sam: *doo doo dee dooooooooooooooooo*

(15:21) Sam: (load last save? Y/N)

(15:21) Alissa: Yes!

(15:22) Sam: Zeldissa heard the weird little tune coming from further down the path. Part of her was nervous, but most of her was irritated.

(15:22) Sam: Seriously, what now?

(15:22) Sam: She was off to face a dragon. She didn’t have time for this nonsense

(15:24) Sam: And so, in true heroic fashion, she ducked into some nearby shrubbery and waited for the whistling to pass her by

(15:24) Sam: After a few minutes, she climbed out of the bush and headed back to the path.

(15:24) Sam: *Stuff of legends, you* muttered Yuniss

(15:25) Sam: Zeldissa shoved the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device deep into her pack.

(15:26) Sam: She heard some muffled sounds, but she couldn’t quite make them out.

(15:26) Sam: Perfect.

(15:27) Sam: The closer she got to the mountains, the colder the air got. She was starting to regret her stylish t-shirt choice.

(15:28) Sam: Soon, her teeth were chattering and she was violently rubbing her arms for warmth. Every step was harder and harder, the cold seeping into her joints.

(15:29) Sam: Snow began to swirl around her body. The wind bit into her, freezing her beyond the point of pain.

(15:30) Sam: Zeldissa began to worry she was going to die here, at the base of the mountains. If it was this bad down here, how was she ever supposed to make it UP the cursed things?

(15:32) Sam: Zeldissa was so busy trying to freeze to death that she never saw the sign. All she felt was something solid hit her in the face and she fell backward into the snow, her once-numb face lighting up in agony.

(15:32) Sam: Dazed, she looked up.

(15:33) Sam: “Blue Tooth Village” she read. Aloud. Which was kind of strange.

(15:33) Sam: Zeldissa struggled to her feet and stumbled into town. She could see a light on in a building that she could only hope was an inn. Or tavern. Or shed. She didn’t really care- she just hoped it was WARM.

(15:34) Sam: She shoved the door open and the heat of a raging fire hit her. Immediately, her body began to tingle rather painfully as she began to thaw.

(15:37) Sam: “CLOSE THE DOOR” bellowed a voice. Quickly, Zeldissa shut the door behind her. She looked around for the source of the voice to see…

(15:37) Sam: She didn’t know what she expected to see standing in the corner, but it certainly wasn’t herself.

(15:38) Sam: The woman standing over by the bar looked EXACTLY like her. Purplish hair and all. However, instead of fancy adventuring garb, the innkeeper was wearing a plain, practical dress and sweeping the inn’s floor.

(15:41) Sam: “Who… what… how…?” Zeldissa sputtered, gaping at the woman.

(15:41) Sam: The woman just kind of stared at her. “What?”


(15:44) Sam: “Ohhhh, that” the innkeeper said. “I’m a mistwraith. We can only take corporeal form by mimicking the visage of someone nearby.”

(15:44) Sam: “Okay… so… how were you sweeping the floor before I got here?”

(15:44) Sam: “I wasn’t,” the innkeeper said. “I was just hanging out by the broom, hoping someone would show up. The place is a MESS.”

(15:47) Sam: “Right…” Zeldissa muttered. She was a little unnerved by the woman who appeared to have borrowed her face, but she really didn’t feel like leaping back out into the storm just yet. Plus, she didn’t really feel like she was in any danger in the inn.

(15:47) Sam: Zeldissa took a seat at a table near the innkeeper. “So… you take the form of people who come in, yes?”

(15:47) Sam: “That’s right.”

(15:47) Sam: “But your clothes are different than mine,” Zeldissa said. “How does THAT work?”

(15:48) Sam: “Well, I mean, it’s just some basic magic all mistwraiths have,” the innkeeper babbled. “We can’t form bodies, but we can form simple illusions.”

(15:48) Sam: “So the clothes aren’t real?”

(15:48) Sam: “Technically, no…” the innkeeper said. “They’re just magic.”

(15:48) Sam: “So you’re really standing there naked.”

(15:49) Sam: “I… I don’t… no, that’s not how it works,” the innkeeper blushed. “I mean, you can’t see that. You see clothes.”

(15:49) Sam: “But they aren’t really there,” Zeldissa pointed out. “Sounds like you’re naked to me.”

(15:50) Sam: “I am not!” the innkeeper insisted. Zeldissa cocked her head to the side for a second. So that’s what I look like when I’m flustered, she thought.

(15:51) Sam: “Ignoring the obvious health code violations going on here,” Zeldissa said. “Would it be too much to ask for a warm cup of cider?”

(15:51) Sam: Still deeply red and muttering to herself, the innkeeper brought Zeldissa a hot mug of cider.

(15:52) Sam: “Thank you,” our heroine said, smirking a little at the innkeeper. The poor woman continued to look utterly mortified.

(15:53) Sam: “Now… do you know the location of Sssssam’s lair?”

(15:53) Sam: (Well, it’s all late and junk)

(15:53) Sam: (Save game? Y/N)

(15:53) Alissa: Yes!

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Thirteenth)

Not a terribly exciting day of adventures, but there has to be some down time and segueing, you know.


(07:52) Sam: *doodle dee doodertots*

(07:52) Sam: (load last save? Y/N)

(07:52) Alissa: lol, yes

(07:54) Sam: Zeldissa awoke somewhere warm. And soft. And pleasant smelling.

(07:55) Sam: There was an aroma of baking bread in the air.

(07:57) Sam: She was… dry. She seemed safe.

(07:57) Sam: But she didn’t trust that this wasn’t just an illusion. Like that cottage in the cave.

(07:59) Sam: *Hey, you’re awake* came a tiny voice. Zeldissa looked over to see Yuniss staring up at her from her fully-charged COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device.

(07:59) Sam: *Your hair looks terrible

(07:59) Sam: *

(08:03) Sam: “Nice to see you too” Zeldissa muttered. But there was no heat behind it. She was still rattled after the attack in the cave. She had been so close to death.

(08:03) Sam: Too close.

(08:06) Sam: She looked around. She was in a room that looked… familiar.

(08:06) Sam: At first, this made her heart thunder in her chest.

(08:10) Sam: But she slowly realized that this was bed at the Break Room. She had stayed here before. She knew this place. Hadn’t tried to kill her at all.

(08:11) Sam: Which was a comfort.

(08:14) Sam: But when the knock sounded lightly on the door and it slowly began to open, Zeldissa had her scissors in her hand before the stranger could step into the room.

(08:14) Sam: “Not one step” our heroine threatened. And if her hand shook a little, if her eyes were welling up with a few frightened tears, we will forgive her, because she’s just been through a lot.

(08:14) Sam: Poor dear.

(08:19) Sam: Poor thing.

(08:19) Sam: (cue Sweeney Todd music)

(08:20) Alissa: (omg yay favorite musical)

(08:20) Sam: (I just watched it again on Saturday, so everything’s fresh in mah brain)

(08:21) Sam: “Hold on a minute,” came a voice. Alissa breathed a sigh of relief as Terr peeked his head in.

(08:23) Sam: “It’s just you” she said, lowering her weapon. “Sorry, I…”

(08:23) Sam: “It’s cool, it’s cool,” Terr said. “You took quite a beating. Took four health potions to get you all patched up.”

(08:26) Sam: “Um, well, thank you” Zeldissa said, blushing slightly. He had cared for her when she was hurt- pretty nice guy, right?

(08:29) Sam: “Not a problem. Couldn’t let a pretty girl like you just lay about in the street,” Terr said with a charming grin. “Besides, people were starting to stare.”

(08:29) Sam: “…great” Zeldissa stood up and stretched. She felt a little sore, like she’d slept for days, but she felt… good. Healed. Rested.

(08:30) Sam: “I don’t know how to repay you,” she told Terr. “I don’t have much…”

(08:30) Sam: “It was my pleasure,” he said with a bow. “I… I owed you, anyway. My sister sent me a letter the other day.”

(08:30) Sam: “Oh right…” Zeldissa said. “Yeah, I didn’t lie for you. Sorry.”

(08:31) Sam: “Don’t be,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “You did the right thing- I missed her. We’re going to try to work everything out.”

(08:35) Sam: (d’aww)

(08:37) Sam: “That’s, uh, good” Zeldissa ventured

(08:37) Sam: *Sappy nonsense* muttered Yuniss.

(08:37) Sam: “I just wanted to see if you were awake,” Terr said. “Would you like to join me for some breakfast?”

(08:37) Sam: Zeldissa agreed and Terr left the room so she could change.

(08:38) Sam: “Can we…” Zeldissa started, turning toward Yuniss. “Can we talk about…?”

(08:40) Sam: *Oh thank goodness* Yuniss said. *Yeah, let’s. That was CREEPY*

(08:40) Sam: “You’re telling me” muttered Zeldissa. “Who was that guy?”

(08:40) Sam: Yuniss shrugged her little digital shoulders. *Who knows? Super cursed, though.*

(08:40) Sam: “What?”

(08:41) Sam: *Oh, that guy was CURSED* Yuniss said. *I’d recognize that anywhere. Really powerful curse. Probably the work of the legendary El Diablo, a mighty and powerful witch from a far off land. She has a habit of coming through here every now and then and just cursing the hell out of some poor sap.*

(08:42) Sam: “So… it was a man?”

(08:42) Sam: *Once* Yuniss said. *Probably. Looks like a classic Bestial Rage curse. The dude gets mad, he gets all monster-like.*

(08:43) Sam: “But the tortured creatures… the BLOOD… the weird cottage… how…” Zeldissa trailed off.

(08:45) Sam: *I told you El Diablo was powerful. And she’s mighty cruel. Not only did she slap the ol’ Bestial Rage on him, she freaking COATED that dude in illusion magic. I don’t know if he realizes where he lives. Or what he’s doing. Probably living in some crazy fantasy world where he has a nice little house and goes out deer hunting or something. Instead, he lives in a creepy cave and spends his days stabbing little elflings to death.*

(08:45) Sam: “Do you think he suspects?”

(08:46) Sam: *He might* Yuniss said. *It’s probably driving him even madder. But it would explain his hatred of witches and curses- he KNOWS what’s happened to him, in some part of his mind.*

(08:46) Sam: “That’s horrible,” Zeldissa said.

(08:46) Sam: *Yeah… probably would have been more humane to kill him*

(08:46) Sam: “Wait… he’s still alive?!”

(08:47) Sam: *Oh yeah* the pixie said. *Just knocked out. I figure he’s awake by now*

(08:47) Sam: “What… oh god… what if he comes after us?”

(08:48) Sam: *Eh, did you SEE how pale he was? Dude probably can’t leave that cave anymore. He’s been there too long. We’re safe… so long as we NEVER GO IN THAT CAVE AGAIN*

(08:48) Sam: “Sounds like a plan” Zeldissa said. “This quest is getting…”

(08:48) Sam: *Perilous?*

(08:48) Sam: “Yeah,” Zeldissa sighed. “I think I should have just paid my stabling tickets.”

(08:49) Sam: Zeldissa gathered her things and joined Terr for a delicious, pleasant (though altogether uninteresting and useless to the plot) meal. After that, she decided to leave the inn and continue on her adventure.

(08:50) Sam: *You might want to stop and resupply in town* Yuniss said. *We used a lot of stuff in that cave*

(08:50) Sam: (Swing by the Royal Emporium? Y/N)

(08:50) Alissa: Yes!

(08:58) Sam: Zeldissa wandered into the Royal Emporium.

(08:58) Sam: There were things on the shelves that weren’t there before.

(09:02) Sam: Energizing Health Potions. Super Strong Cable. Industrial Grade White Out. SO MANY PENS. A t-shirt that said ‘Rejistered Gold Inspektor’. A pony… sculpture.

(09:03) Sam: “Why hello there” came a pleasant voice from behind the counter. “How can I help you today?”

(09:03) Sam: (How can the merchant assist you in making a purchase today?)

(09:04) Alissa: lol I want one of everything..

(09:04) Sam: “One of everything” Zeldissa said with zeal. Brash, brash zeal. “And two of a few things”

(09:05) Sam: “Uh huh” the man said. It was hard to place his accent. Southerly, was Zeldissa’s guess. “Sweetie, can you afford that?”

(09:07) Alissa: (am I supposed to answer?)

(09:08) Sam: (Uh, if you want. Sorry, the narrator was working)

(09:09) Alissa: Well I have that lizard, that was worth a lot last time if it hadn’t crawled away..

(09:10) Sam: Zeldissa reached into her bag and pulled out the lizard. Despite Zeldissa being tossed about and never actually feeding the thing, the little critter was still very much alive. And squirming.

(09:10) Sam: Gripping the lizard tightly, she reached back into her purse and pulled out the really shiny gem. She knocked the lizard upside the head with it. The lizard ceased struggling and appeared to be pretty unconscious.

(09:12) Sam: “Oooh, what’s that?” the shopkeeper said, his voice full of excitement. Zeldissa frowned.

(09:12) Sam: “This gem?”

(09:12) Sam: “No, the other thing. Is that… is that a LIZARD? From the Natgrid?”

(09:13) Sam: “Uh, yeah,” Zeldissa said, even though she really didn’t know WHERE the lizard had come from.

(09:15) Alissa: (gonna step into the break room quick)

(09:15) Sam: (k)

(09:20) Sam: The shopkeeper snatched the lizard out of her hands and went running through a door to the back of the shop. “Take whatever you want!” he yelled back to her.

(09:20) Sam: (You now have 4 available inventory slots. What do you want to take?)

(09:23) Alissa: ONLY 4?! 

(09:23) Alissa: Can I put the tshirt on then choose 4 more? lol

(09:24) Sam: (While that seems cheaty, I admire your spunk. Go for it)

(09:25) Alissa: It does, lol, I’ll wear tshirt and choose the energizing health potions, super strong cable, industrial grade white out, and the pony sculpture.

(09:30) Sam: Zeldissa loaded up her bag with loot (and cut a dashing figure in her new t-shirt while doing so).

(09:36) Sam: 3 potions, a roll of super strong cable, a huge bottle of industrial grade white out… and a pony sculpture.



(15:39) Alissa: what’s more important?

(15:40) Sam: Zeldissa popped out of the shop before the shopkeeper came to his sense and realized a lizard wasn’t currency.


(15:41) Sam: She looked to the… uh… north. Yeah, the north.

(15:42) Sam: In said northerly area, two great mountains loomed over the land. The mountains of Ekuipmont and Malphunksion.

(15:43) Sam: Zeldissa knew that the mighty dragon Sssssam lived in a secret den within Malphunksion.

(15:43) Sam: But nobody knew how to access the dragon’s lair.

(15:43) Sam: Or, at least, no one has survived to tell the tale.

(15:46) Sam: Zeldissa had no choice. She’d risked life, limb, sanity… even the glossiness of her hair to save the land of New Ophis. She could not fail now. She must finish her quest. She must get the Holy Pigtail from the mighty Sssssam and go forth all heroically to battle Cervar in the marshes of Pore Cignel.

(15:47) Sam: With a determined lift of the chin, Zeldissa stepped forward.

(15:47) Sam: And proceeded to trip and fall into the street.

(15:47) Sam: Yuniss snickered.

(15:47) Sam: “Shut up” Zeldissa grumbled as she dragged herself to her feet.

(15:48) Sam: She marched through town, a little more grouchily than heroically now.

(15:48) Sam: At the northern gate, the guard tried to waylay her.

(15:49) Sam: “Whoa there, girly,” the man said. “You can’t go through here. The northern mountains are dangerous, full of fierce monsters and deadly weather.”

(15:50) Sam: “Bite me” Zeldissa snapped. She shoved past the guard and stomped out the gate. Which was open. The guard was just trying to warn her. She totally over reacted.

(15:50) Sam: “SHUT UP” Zeldissa yelled at the narrator.

(15:50) Sam: …

(15:50) Sam: …

(15:50) Sam: …

(15:53) Sam: Ten minutes of blissful solitude later, the narrator could no longer resist and started live Tweeting Zeldissa’s adventures again. #Adventure #Hero #SavingTheKingdom #WhenWasTheLastTimeSheAte #YOLO #PurpleHair #PixiePower

(15:54) Sam: Zeldissa glared up at the sky (where she imagined the narrator lurked… which was WRONG), then sighed heavily and continued on her way.

(15:55) Sam: As she continued down the path, she began to hear a strange whistling in the distance. An eerie little tune was drifting down the path toward her.

(15:55) Sam: (Well, it’s getting late. Save game? Y/N)

(15:56) Sam: I will take that as a yes


The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Twelfth)

While episodes may be not-quite-daily, the adventures of Zeldissa continue.


(09:43) Sam: I totally think we should do something to liven it up

(09:43) Sam: …like adventure. Yeah, adventures are good

(09:43) Alissa: Agreed.

(09:43) Sam: Woo!

(09:48) Sam: *doo deedle doo*

(09:48) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(09:48) Alissa: Yes!

(09:48) Sam: (cool beans)

(09:50) Sam: Zeldissa shivered as the man ran his fingers along the axe handle.

(09:50) Sam: “I do not appreciate it when people lie to me,” the man said calmly. With an eerie calm. Creepy, creepy calm tones.

(09:52) Sam: Zeldissa was frozen in her seat. The man was beginning to stand, his fingers curling ’round the axe handle. She needed to say something. Something to deter the crazy, bearded, axe wielding denizen of this strange cottage.

(09:52) Sam: (So… what do you do? Fess up to the lie or STICK TO YOUR GUNS?)

(09:52) Alissa: STICK TO THEM

(09:52) Sam: (ballsy)

(09:53) Sam: In a move the narrator can only describe as ballsy, our heroine decided to just stick to that elaborate lie. After all, she was proud of the thing.

(09:53) Sam: “I am not lying to you,” she said with a haughty little sniff and turn of her nose.

(09:58) Sam: The man stared at her again. His brow furrowed in thought.

(09:58) Sam: “So…” he said slowly.”You are not lying.”

(09:58) Sam: “No, I am not,” Zeldissa stated.

(09:58) Sam: “So… you’re really that stupid?”

(09:59) Sam: “What do you mean?” our heroine huffed.

(10:00) Sam: “You are really stupid enough to believe some guy’s story of magic marbles,” the great bear of a man muttered. “Din, that might be worse than lying.”

(10:02) Sam: *You’re telling me* came a tiny voice from Zeldissa’s pocket. The man spun around, brandishing his axe at our heroine’s face.

(10:02) Sam: “What sorcery do you possess, witch? What was that?”

(10:04) Sam: There was a crazed look to the man’s eye. He appeared to be frothing slightly at the mouth. Like a pasty, rabid bear.

(10:06) Sam: Zeldissa knew she had two options. She either had to figure out how to talk the beast-man down… or she had to fight him.

(10:06) Sam: (Talk or fight?)

(10:08) Alissa: Act like I’m going to talk, then sneak attack fight and reveal that it was a lie because I’m not stupid like he thinks

(10:08) Sam: (Boy, that one stung, didn’t it?)

(10:09) Sam: Zeldissa eased her chair back from the table. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she noticed a strange flickering. Like the cozy fire in the fireplace had winked out for a moment.

(10:12) Sam: “I’m not a witch,” she said. “I just found this thing on the ground. And it started talking to me.” It took everything in her to lower her eyes slightly. “I… I know it’s probably cursed. Or possessed. But… but… “She sniffled, her eyes getting misty.” I just wanted someone to talk to. I was… lonely.”

(10:13) Sam: She glanced up then, her eyes big and liquidy. She saw the tip of the axe waver and start to droop to the ground.

(10:14) Sam: And that’s when she struck.

(10:14) Sam: In one smooth move, Zeldissa was out of her chair, scissors in hand. In a heartbeat, she was leaping toward the large man and burying the blades of her scissors in his pale, pale forearm.

(10:17) Sam: The man gave a howl of rage and the axe slipped from his grasp.

(10:17) Sam: (oh em geezles, time to ask the 8 ball about our heroine’s fate)

(10:17) Sam: (oooooh. that’s not good)

(10:20) Alissa: (don’t forget to reveal the lie!)

(10:21) Sam: Driving the scissors deeper into the man’s arm flesh, Zeldissa leaned in close and whispered “I cannot believe you fell for that story. Tell me, who’s the stupid one now?”

(10:23) Sam: An inhuman, utterly bestial growl broke forth from the man’s snarling lips. His teeth looked… longer than before. Sharper. Zeldissa noticed that same flickering occurring in the corner of her eye. When she looked up, she saw the quaint little kitchen begin winking in and out, showing something… dark behind. Something foul. She could see blood smeared boards and an oozing pool of green muck next to some dark rocks.

(10:24) Sam: A chill went through our heroine. She had been right- something was desperately wrong here.

(10:29) Sam: (and now a paused while I do some real work)

(10:29) Alissa: (SUSPENSE)

(10:29) Sam: (YUS)

(14:00) Sam: (continue adventuring? Y/N)

(14:01) Alissa: Yes!

(14:05) Sam: Zeldissa glanced back at the man. His eyes burned with raw fury, but she could see a deep well of intelligence beneath the anger. And that made him very, very dangerous.

(14:06) Sam: His skin appeared to be getting… slicker. His hair was lengthening. His face elongating, his eyes sinking further into his head, his mouth stretching wider and wider in a rictus grin.

(14:06) Sam: Zeldissa was afraid.

(14:07) Sam: But she didn’t feel the true touch of bone-chilling, absolute fear until the creature’s hand clamped around her throat and its long fingers began to squeeze.

(14:09) Sam: It was as if a package of fireworks went off behind her eyes. The creature’s grip was like iron and was slowly closing in, tighter and tighter.

(14:12) Sam: She gripped the scissors in her hand as firmly as she could and dug them into the offending arm.

(14:13) Sam: To absolutely no effect.

(14:14) Sam: Dark spots were starting to appear in her vision, but through the haze of pain, she could see the cottage had all but vanished, leaving a hovel in its place that looked like a serial killer’s nesting grounds.

(14:15) Sam: Zeldissa hung in the creature’s grasp, strength failing. She desperately tried to come up with a plan.

(14:15) Sam: (Because it’s been awhile since we opened up this dusty old screen…)

(14:16) Sam: (Inventory: scissors [currently buried in creature’s arm], stapler, roll of tape, lizard, really shiny gem, and the mysterious box you grabbed from the treasure pile earlier in the cave)

(14:16) Sam: (What’s the plan, girly?)

(14:17) Alissa: whats in the mysterious box…

(14:17) Sam: (I don’t know- you never opened it)

(14:17) Alissa: I wanna open it, lol, if I can while dying

(14:18) Sam: Zeldissa knew she was probably going to die here in the creature’s slimy, hairy grasp.

(14:18) Sam: So naturally, she decided to check out the treasure she’d picked up a few rooms back.

(14:18) Sam: After all, she didn’t want to die without seeing what was in the box.

(14:20) Sam: Zeldissa reached down into her bag and fumbled open the small box. She reached in and drew the treasure up to her eyes.

(14:20) Sam: It was hard to focus. The item felt… squishy.

(14:20) Sam: A little crusty.

(14:20) Sam: She looked in her raised hand.

(14:20) Sam: Two foam earpieces were clutched there.

(14:21) Sam: Two foam earpieces.

(14:21) Sam: Only slightly grungy.

(14:21) Sam: *OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME* came a voice from Zeldissa’s pocket.

(14:22) Sam: The creature snarled and drew back its other arm, devastatingly long claws sliding out of the tips of its wretched, long fingers.

(14:23) Sam: *This is bullshit* Yuniss screeched. With considerable effort, Zeldissa put the ear pieces back in her bag and drew her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device forth. It glowed with a furious pink light.

(14:25) Sam: *We’ve had the stupid ear things this whole time?!* the pixie cried. The creature howled at the noise, but Yuniss ignored it. *We’ve been traipsing around this cave, NEARLY DYING multiple times, and we picked them up out of that pile of socks on a table?*

(14:26) Sam: Zeldissa couldn’t say anything, as she was busy being strangled.

(14:26) Sam: However, she had an idea.

(14:26) Sam: With the last breath in her lungs, she pushed out the barest whisper. “shock”

(14:32) Sam: *What?* the pixie sputtered. But Zeldissa couldn’t say anything else. She just pressed the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device into the creature’s slimy arm and hoped the pixie figured it out.

(14:35) Sam: (such suspense)

(14:35) Sam: (much drama)

(15:06) Sam: For a moment, nothing happened. Zeldissa continued her slow slide toward death, Yuniss continued being confused, and the creature began leisurely sharpening its claws on a nearby rock, preparing to tear into our heroine.

(15:07) Sam: *OH* came the pixie’s small voice from what sounded like a very long tunnel to our heroine *SHOCK*

(15:08) Sam: And with that, the little pixie unleashed a devastating little shock to the creature. Because the creature’s skin was coated in a layer of viscous slime, the shock was amplified. It zapped both the creature and Zeldissa. For our heroine, everything finally went blissfully dark.

(15:11) Sam: ——–

(15:11) Sam: ——

(15:11) Sam: oooo, time is passing

(15:11) Sam: ——-

(15:11) Sam: ——–

(15:12) Sam: Zeldissa slowly forced her eyes open. Everything hurt. Her joints. Her eyeballs. Her throat. Even her hair.

(15:12) Sam: Also, she was wet

(15:12) Sam: With a groan, she forced herself to sit up. She appeared to be half lying in a pool of fetid water. She wanted to be grossed out, but really, it was the cleanest part of this…

(15:13) Sam: She didn’t know what to call it. What had appeared to be a cottage was nothing more than a smaller cave (a cave within a cave… CAVECEPTION)/nest.

(15:14) Sam: Blood and viscera smeared all visible surfaces. Bits of flesh and gnawed on limbs of… unidentifiable creatures littered the ground.

(15:21) Sam: Crude spears sat stacked in a corner. Small bodies of undersized goblins and… arachnid/toad hybrids lay scattered about, hideously twisted and pinned by small stakes.

(15:41) Sam: (god dammit, back to the story- we are getting out of this cave today)

(15:42) Sam: The creature lay in a larger pool of muck… water… muck. Yeah, muck.

(15:42) Sam: It was not moving.

(15:43) Sam: Great burn marks ran up its arm from where the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device had been pressed.

(15:43) Sam: Zeldissa frantically looked around.

(15:43) Sam: It was only then that she realized the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device was still clutched in her hand.

(15:44) Sam: It was a bit damp. Zeldissa tried to wipe it off on the dry parts of her filthy shirt.

(15:44) Sam: “Yuniss?” the girl croaked through her damaged throat.

(15:44) Sam: *Here* the little pixie said wearily. The screen flickered sluggishly to life. *I think I need to charge.*

(15:45) Sam: “Can you warp us out of this cave first?” Zeldissa asked.

(15:45) Sam: *No*

(15:45) Sam: “Oh no,” our heroine murmured.

(15:45) Sam: *No, I mean the STONE you have can do that. Not my job* And with that, the device powered off.

(15:46) Sam: Zeldissa fumbled her traveling stone out of her pack and thought of the warp portal she’d placed at the entrance to the cave. There was a flash of purple light, a loud squelching sound, and suddenly she was sitting at the entrance to the cave.

(15:46) Sam: “Sunlight” she whispered.

(15:46) Sam: With the last of her strength, Zeldissa managed to warp to the castle town.

(15:47) Sam: There was a swish. A chirankle. A heavy sigh.

(15:47) Sam: And then darkness.

(15:47) Sam: (save game? Y/N)

(15:47) Alissa: Yes!

(15:47) Sam: Woo

(15:47) Alissa: lol that was a good one

(15:47) Sam: Thank goodness. We’re out of the cave

(15:48) Alissa: lol right>

(15:48) Alissa: ?*

(15:48) Alissa: that was creepy

(15:48) Alissa: and caveception


The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Eleventh)

A friend of mine recently started working at our office, so naturally he needed to find his way into this epic.


(08:18) Sam: *doo dee doodly doooooooo*

(08:18) Sam: (load last save? Y/N)

(08:18) Alissa: Yes!

(08:20) Sam: (When last we left our heroine, she had just escaped certain death in the collapsing hallway by using a sissy health potion to slipperyify the ground so she could do a rockin’ slide to freedom)

(08:20) Sam: Zeldissa stood, dusting herself off. She walked back to the junction she’d been at previously.

(08:20) Sam: (Available options are right, forward, and left [NOTE: left leads back the way you initially came])

(08:21) Alissa: Forward

(08:21) Sam: Zeldissa walked forward. The hallway widened into a large room. Larger than the Wolfrog’s room. And equally damp.

(08:22) Sam: However, this room was lit by luminescent fungi growing along the walls. The fungi swirled in patterns and swayed gently in the breeze…

(08:22) Sam: Zeldissa frowned. A breeze?

(08:23) Sam: There were three exits to the room. One on the left wall, one on the right wall, and the exit directly behind her that she had entered from.

(08:24) Sam: But that was not what intrigued our heroine.

(08:25) Sam: In the far right corner of the cavernous space, a quaint little cottage sat. There was golden light spilling from the small windows and a curl of smoke from the chimney atop the roof. The cottage had a small yard, coated in what appeared to be a spongy, verdant moss.

(08:26) Sam: A window box of strange (yet beautiful) flowers hung from one of the windows.

(08:26) Sam: A neat little fence surrounded the property.

(08:27) Sam: And directly OUTSIDE that fence was a semi-circle of large, vicious spikes, completely surrounding the little cottage.

(08:29) Sam: On these spikes were the gruesome remains of various creatures. Zeldissa could make out what appeared to be a Deep Hobgoblin and a small wolfrog. The rest she couldn’t identify- just a series of slimy, bloody, partially amphibious nightmares displayed around the adorable home.

(08:29) Sam: Naturally, our heroine was a little uneasy.

(08:30) Sam: (So, what do you do?)

(08:30) Sam: (Do you leave and not look back? Do you go meet the inhabitant of the cottage? Do you leap on a spike because you’re tired of adventuring?)

(08:31) Alissa: Go to the home anyways, lol I’m never tired of adventuring

(08:38) Sam: Damn right, you aren’t.

(08:39) Sam: Zeldissa knew that, while her quest for the Only Slightly Grungy foam ear pieces led her to this cave… she really had no idea WHERE in the cave they could be. She better investigate anything suspicious.

(08:39) Sam: And boy, was this little house suspicious.

(08:41) Sam: (BTW, yes, you can go to break closer to 9)

(08:42) Sam: So, our plucky heroine started toward the little cottage, hand on scissors, ready to battle anything tha-

(08:42) Sam: *YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING* shrieked Yuniss

(08:42) Sam: (shrieked it so hard there was no punctuation, apparently)

(08:43) Sam: *You are NOT taking me into that creepy little house* the pixie yelled. *I won’t go. You can’t make me. I’m done with this quest*

(08:44) Sam: “And how, exactly, are you going to escape?” Zeldissa asked. “You’re trapped in this COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device, after all”

(09:04) Sam: *I can leave anytime I want* Yuniss said. *I’m not trapped here.*

(09:04) Sam: There was the sound of tiny grunts and struggles. The pixie had her eyes squeezed tight and was almost vibrating from strain.

(09:05) Sam: Suddenly, Yuniss gave a defeated gasp. *Fine. Okay. I appear to be stuck* She gave Zeldissa a suspicious look. *What did you DO?*

(09:06) Sam: “I didn’t do anything” Zeldissa said. “Except, you know, flip this little LOCK switch on the side.”

(09:06) Sam: *HOW DARE YOU TRAP ME?* Yuniss squeaked

(09:06) Sam: “Hey, I didn’t want to press a button and accidentally delete you. I thought I was being considerate.”

(09:06) Sam: *FIX IT*

(13:23) Sam: Zeldissa grinned at the little pixie. “No, I don’t think I will.”


(13:24) Sam: “Where will you go?” Zeldissa asked. “There’s no technology in this cave.”

(13:24) Sam: *YOU DON’T KNOW THAT*

(13:25) Sam: “…Whatever. Anyway, I’m not letting you out. What are you going to do about it?”

(13:25) Sam: *THIS* shrieked the pixie. And she proceeded to shock the hell out of our heroine’s hand.

(13:26) Sam: The tiny shock was quite amplified, as everything was damp. Zeldissa shouted in pain.

(13:26) Sam: *HAHAHAHA* the pixie laughed evilly. *NOW LET ME FREE*

(13:26) Sam: “Uh… no,” Zeldissa said. “Definitely not. And if you keep doing that, I’m going to drop this thing in the water. And it will short out. What will happen to you then?”

(13:26) Sam: Yuniss was silent for a few moments, thinking it over.

(13:27) Sam: *It probably wouldn’t end well for me* she finally conceded. *Fine. Let’s go in the creepy little house. I’m sure this will end JUST AS WELL*

(13:29) Sam: Zeldissa ignored the pixie (but had a harder time ignoring the throbbing in her hand) and walked up to the door of the little cottage.

(13:33) Sam: She raised her en-pain-ulated hand and knocked.

(13:34) Sam: KNOCK

(13:34) Sam: KNOCK

(13:34) Sam: KNOCK

(13:35) Sam: The sounds echoed through the spacious cavern. Zeldissa looked warily around her. What matter of beast had she just alerted to her presence?

(13:35) Sam: But before she could dwell much more upon that, the door of the cottage swung open.

(13:43) Sam: Standing there was a man. A tallish man. Dark hair, dark beard, skin nearly translucent from the years of living below ground, vaguely menacing glower on his face as he peered down at Zeldissa.

(13:57) Sam: “What do you want?” he growled.

(13:58) Sam: “Um…”

(13:58) Sam: (What DO you want?)

(13:58) Alissa: To explore the unknown

(14:04) Sam: “To explore the unknown… I guess” Zeldissa shrugged. “I mean, I really just like treasure. And adventure. It’s kind of my shtick.”

(14:32) Sam: “That’s a terrible answer,” the strange man said. “But I suppose you seem harmless enough. And if not….”

(14:33) Sam: At that, the man hefted a large axe onto his shoulder. The axe head was crusted with dried gore. Bits of it flaked off to fall onto the man’s shirt.

(14:34) Sam: Zeldissa hissed out a breath between her teeth. She wasn’t so sure about this anymore.

(14:35) Sam: “Come in or get out” the man said gruffly, moving further into the cottage. “Don’t want to let the snakes in.”

(14:36) Sam: “Uh… snakes?”

(14:36) Sam: The man looked at her blankly. “Yeah. The cave snakes. Are you blind?”

(14:36) Sam: Zeldissa glanced around. She didn’t SEE any snakes.

(14:36) Sam: “In or out” the man boomed.

(14:36) Sam: (Well? You in or out?)

(14:37) Alissa: In

(14:40) Sam: Zeldissa stepped inside and closed the door. The man sat down at a wooden table and gestured for her to do the same.

(14:41) Sam: She did so gingerly, perching delicately on the edge of the chair, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.

(14:41) Sam: The inside of the cottage was, like the outside, very quaint.

(14:42) Sam: It seemed at odds with the man who now sat across the table from her, glaring.

(14:42) Sam: He was wearing dark clothing, immaculately kept (with the exception of the rusty flecks of blood off that axe of his).

(14:43) Sam: His dark eyes fixed the little adventurer to her seat.

(14:43) Sam: “Who are you and what are you doing in this cave?” he asked in a smooth rumble. The glare was dissolving, leaving an expression of curiosity in its wake.

(14:47) Sam: Zeldissa was getting a strange feeling about this place. Something was wrong, but she couldn’t place WHAT, exactly.

(14:47) Sam: (What do you tell him? The truth? An elaborate lie?)

(14:48) Alissa: Elaborate lie, and I mean ELABORATE

(14:51) Sam: “It all started three years ago,” Zeldissa said. “I bought a bag of marbles off a traveling salesman in, uh, the castle town.”

(14:53) Sam: “…You don’t know the name of the town?” The man’s eyebrow raised in a super judging manner.

(15:17) Sam: “I was young,” Zeldissa said with a dramatic twist of her hand. “I traveled the land, singing on street corners and playing the fife. I was known throughout the land. They said I had the voice of Farore and the passion of Din.”

(15:17) Sam: “I had no need to learn the names of the towns I was in, for I was never there long.”

(15:22) Sam: “And so after one show, this man comes up to me. Big smile. Great hair. Says he wants to buy me a drink. And me, I just got done with a gig. I’m parched. I take the man up on his offer. And I don’t know what I drank, but suddenly the world is saturated in jewel tones and the man and I are dancing in a park somewhere.”

(15:23) Sam: “And when we are done, he whispers in my ear. No, I am NOT going to tell you what he said, because I am a lady, sir. But he gave me this rich bag of purple velvet. Inside were 10 marbles, brilliantly colored, like tiny galaxies trapped in glass.”

(15:26) Sam: “Wait,” the bearded man held up a hand, stopping Zeldissa’s tale. “You said he SOLD you the marbles. Now you’re claiming he GAVE them to you.”

(15:27) Sam: “Would you let me finish my story?” our heroine said huffily. “When I woke up the next morning, I realized the man had stolen my purse. THAT’S why I said he sold them to me- in the end, I paid for the things.”

(15:27) Sam: “Right…” the man muttered.

(15:37) Sam: “But back to that night,” Zeldissa said. “As I gazed at the marbles, the man whispered to me. ‘Whenever you need to escape, throw one of these at the ground and say my name.’ And I stared deep into his eyes and said ‘You never told me your name’ and he just smiled and said ‘I know’. And then the world went dark.”

(15:38) Sam: “I woke up in my bed at the inn, the marbles in the lush purple bag lying beside my head. I looked at them. They seemed less beautiful than they had the night before, but they were still pretty enough. And deep down in my youthful heart, I believed in that man and his promise. Even if he’d totally stolen my money.”

(15:39) Sam: “And so, I carried the marbles with me. I did not know his name, but I was sure, if I was ever in need, it would come to me. On the wind. As if he himself were whispering in my ear.”

(15:42) Sam: “And one day, as I was traveling a treacherous mountain pass, a group of bandits jumped out of a small cave in front of me. The pathway behind me was too narrow to traverse quickly, and the bandits blocked the only way forward. I reached into the bag, drew out a marble, and held it aloft. I felt the mountain air stir my hair. I could feel his name forming on my lips. ‘Robert’ I said aloud, and threw the marble at the ground.”

(15:42) Sam: “…nothing happened.”

(15:42) Sam: “So, I picked up another one, feeling unsure. So, not Robert, then. No matter. I let the wind whisper to me once more before saying ‘Reginald’. And I threw the marble down.”

(15:44) Sam: “…again, nothing happened. Furious, I upended the whole bag of marbles, screaming ‘JOHN, MARCUS, TONY, BRANDON, CARL, JIM, ANTONIO, CYRIL, JAMIE’ into the air. Again, nothing happened. I was so upset I was about to cry… before I looked up and realized the bandits had apparently left during my fit.”

(15:45) Sam: “I had to know, you understand. I had to know if it was the marbles that saved me or the bandits just thought I was crazy. And so, I spent two years hunting for that man. I chased him across the country, earning just enough to keep going.”

(15:48) Sam: “I finally found him, holed up in a dusty little tavern. He was smiling and charming some barmaid when I walked in. He didn’t seem to recognize me, but I’d know him anywhere. I confronted him, accused him of scamming me, only for him to burst into laughter. ‘Of course I was scamming you, darling. You were so young, so ripe for the picking. You didn’t actually think those silly things worked, did you?'”

(15:49) Sam: “But I had. My youthful, romantical mind had believed him. And so I turned to leave, crushed that he had deceived me. At the door, I turned back. ‘Just one question before I leave,’ I said. ‘What is your name?’ He smiled at me before saying ‘Garfield, m’dear.’ GARFIELD? WHO NAMES THEIR CHILD THAT?! Confused, hurt, I left the tavern.”

(15:50) Sam: “I wandered around for a while, but I could no longer sing or play the fife with any fire. I threw my fife in the lake there and came into this cave, seeking solitude. I want to live my life away from the prying eyes of others. Away from their judgment and their pity and their deception. Surely you understand.”

(15:51) Sam: The man stared at her for a few moments. “That’s your story, huh?”

(15:51) Sam: “Yes, it is,” Zeldissa said, working hard not to squirm visibly under his stare.

(15:51) Sam: “Is it?”

(15:51) Sam: “Yes.”

(15:51) Sam: “IS it?”

(15:51) Sam: “YES.”

(15:51) Sam: “Is it really?”

(15:51) Sam: “YES IT IS.”

(15:52) Sam: “Well, you’re obviously lying,” the man said, his fingers straying to the handle of his axe. “The only question is, what am I going to do about it?”

(15:52) Sam: (It’s getting late. Save game? Y/N)

(15:52) Alissa: Yes!

The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Tenth)

After a lengthy hiatus, we are back with the further adventures of Zeldissa.



(14:43) Sam: Adventure time, come on grab your friends

(14:43) Sam: We’re going to very distant lands

(14:43) Sam: With Yuniss the pixie and Zeldissa the hero

(14:43) Sam: The fun will never end, adventure tiiimmmmeeeee

(14:43) Sam: (load last save? Y/N)

(14:43) Alissa: YESSSS

(14:44) Sam: (It’s been awhile, adventurer. Welcome back)

(14:50) Sam: (A quick recap of where we left off: Zeldissa had just defeated the mighty Wolfrog. She was sitting on a health bar that looked like this (0000000x) and still had some Wolfrog blood on her. She probably won’t take more than one segment of damage from it, but she has the option of washing it off with the really gross water (and potentially contracting a disease). She was in a room with a lower exit (which she came through… does that make it an entrance? what if she leaves through it too? which would it be then?), an upper exit, and something shiny glinting in the far corner)

(14:50) Sam: (what does our heroine want do to?)

(14:53) Sam: (apparently nothing)

(14:53) Alissa: SHINY

(14:57) Sam: Zeldissa promptly ignored the burning sensation on her back and slogged through the shallow, murky water toward the shiny thing in the distance.

(14:57) Sam: She felt like she’d been walking for ages, but it was really, like, 30 steps. But it was through mud and muck, which exhausted our already weakly and tired heroine.

(14:58) Sam: Zeldissa pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device and Yuniss cast a tiny pink glow into the darkness.

(14:58) Sam: The corner contained…

(14:58) Sam: …

(14:58) Sam: …

(14:58) Sam: A table

(14:58) Sam: A ratty old table.

(14:58) Sam: With three legs

(14:59) Sam: Falling apart

(14:59) Sam: Honestly, a stiff breeze would knock this thing over. Thank goodness it was in a breezeless cave (though Zeldissa wondered how the crashing about of her epic battle did not finish the poor piece of furniture off)

(15:00) Sam: But atop this battered, ancient table, there lay a panoply of gems and goodies

(15:00) Sam: Shiny necklaces

(15:00) Sam: Sprangly bracelets

(15:00) Sam: Shimmerating rings

(15:01) Sam: Stacks of gold

(15:02) Sam: Shammerangy gemstones

(15:02) Sam: Socks

(15:02) Sam: Lots of socks, actually

(15:02) Sam: A weird amount of socks

(15:02) Sam: And a small wooden box, dusty from age

(15:03) Sam: Zeldissa gazed upon the treasure. A single tear glinted in her eye.

(15:05) Sam: Yuniss gasped and the light flickered.

(15:06) Sam: “Hold that steady!” Zeldissa shrieked. There was so much treasure on that unsteady table. What would she do with that much treasure? Where we she put it all? How would she get it all home? What did she even come into this cave for, anyway?

(15:09) Sam: Zeldissa stepped closer to the table. Slowly. In AWE.

(15:10) Sam: Soon, she was right at its edge. Yuniss’ light glinted off the treasure, casting tiny pinkish light freckles across Zeldissa’s slack-jawed face.

(15:10) Sam: As she took a final step and reached for the treasure…

(15:10) Sam: She felt the ground give a little under her foot and heard a loud “click” of something triggering.

(15:11) Sam: Zeldissa was a hardened adventure. Tough as nails. If the nails were made of sunshine and marshmallow.

(15:11) Sam: She grabbed the first thing she could off the table and rolled to the side just as the table, treasure, and floor dropped down into nothingness.

(15:12) Sam: Murky water poured down into the newly formed abyss. Zeldissa crept the few inches back to the edge and looked down.

(15:13) Sam: The rickety table had been impaled on a series of hideously long, rusty spikes protruding from the bottom of the pit. The water continued to drain down, treasures glinting from below the grisly scene of the table’s demise.

(15:13) Sam: *Too close* muttered Yuniss. *We need to get out of here. This place is trying ot kill us*

(15:14) Sam: “Agreed,” Zeldissa said. She walked back across the room.

(15:14) Sam: She needed to select an exit. The lower one (which she entered from) or the upper one?

(15:14) Sam: (Well? Choose)

(15:20) Alissa: Upper

(15:21) Sam: Zeldissa had already been through the lower exit (and did not want to deal with all the philosophical musings welling in the narrator about the state of the entrance/exit), so she waltzed through the upper.

(15:23) Sam: There were three paths: Left, forward, and right.

(15:23) Sam: (Which path will yon heroine choose?)

(15:24) Alissa: Right

(15:24) Sam: Zeldissa walked along the right hand path, fumbling the treasure she snatched off the table into her bag (she would look at it later).

(15:25) Sam: She soon reached another junction… only it wasn’t a junction. Just a left turn.

(15:25) Sam: And so, she continued on to the left

(15:25) Sam: And soon, she reached another junction. A real one this time.

(15:25) Sam: (Path choices are Left, Forward, Right)

(15:26) Sam: (Please choose)

(15:26) Alissa: Right

(15:30) Sam: Zeldissa went right. Right to a t-junction.

(15:30) Sam: (Left or right?)

(15:30) Alissa: Left

(15:30) Sam: Confident, feeling alive and free and like she just survived monsters and traps (because she did), Zeldissa walked down the left hand path.

(15:31) Sam: Which led to a dead end.

(15:32) Sam: As she turned to leave, she felt the ground give a little under her foot again.

(15:32) Sam: There was another *click*, softer this time.

(15:33) Sam: “Oh, motherfu-” Zeldissa started, but she stopped mid word in order to start sprinting down the hallway.

(15:33) Sam: Because the walls were grinding inward

(15:33) Sam: At a rather alarming rate

(15:36) Sam: (We shall consult the 8-ball to determine our heroine’s fate)

(15:44) Sam: Zeldissa reached into her bag as she ran and withdrew her remaining sissy health potion.

(15:45) Sam: She lobbed it through the air. It landed on the ground in front of her. Zeldissa dove into an amazing slide. She whooshed down the corridor at phenomenal speed. On her way past the t-junction, she stuck out a hand. She snagged the wall as she past and threw herself back into the other corridor just as the whole thing sealed up behind her.

(15:48) Sam: She stood up and dusted herself off.

(15:50) Sam: (Save game? Y/N)

(15:55) Sam: (I will just assume yes)