The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Thirteenth)

Not a terribly exciting day of adventures, but there has to be some down time and segueing, you know.

***

(07:52) Sam: *doodle dee doodertots*

(07:52) Sam: (load last save? Y/N)

(07:52) Alissa: lol, yes

(07:54) Sam: Zeldissa awoke somewhere warm. And soft. And pleasant smelling.

(07:55) Sam: There was an aroma of baking bread in the air.

(07:57) Sam: She was… dry. She seemed safe.

(07:57) Sam: But she didn’t trust that this wasn’t just an illusion. Like that cottage in the cave.

(07:59) Sam: *Hey, you’re awake* came a tiny voice. Zeldissa looked over to see Yuniss staring up at her from her fully-charged COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device.

(07:59) Sam: *Your hair looks terrible

(07:59) Sam: *

(08:03) Sam: “Nice to see you too” Zeldissa muttered. But there was no heat behind it. She was still rattled after the attack in the cave. She had been so close to death.

(08:03) Sam: Too close.

(08:06) Sam: She looked around. She was in a room that looked… familiar.

(08:06) Sam: At first, this made her heart thunder in her chest.

(08:10) Sam: But she slowly realized that this was bed at the Break Room. She had stayed here before. She knew this place. Hadn’t tried to kill her at all.

(08:11) Sam: Which was a comfort.

(08:14) Sam: But when the knock sounded lightly on the door and it slowly began to open, Zeldissa had her scissors in her hand before the stranger could step into the room.

(08:14) Sam: “Not one step” our heroine threatened. And if her hand shook a little, if her eyes were welling up with a few frightened tears, we will forgive her, because she’s just been through a lot.

(08:14) Sam: Poor dear.

(08:19) Sam: Poor thing.

(08:19) Sam: (cue Sweeney Todd music)

(08:20) Alissa: (omg yay favorite musical)

(08:20) Sam: (I just watched it again on Saturday, so everything’s fresh in mah brain)

(08:21) Sam: “Hold on a minute,” came a voice. Alissa breathed a sigh of relief as Terr peeked his head in.

(08:23) Sam: “It’s just you” she said, lowering her weapon. “Sorry, I…”

(08:23) Sam: “It’s cool, it’s cool,” Terr said. “You took quite a beating. Took four health potions to get you all patched up.”

(08:26) Sam: “Um, well, thank you” Zeldissa said, blushing slightly. He had cared for her when she was hurt- pretty nice guy, right?

(08:29) Sam: “Not a problem. Couldn’t let a pretty girl like you just lay about in the street,” Terr said with a charming grin. “Besides, people were starting to stare.”

(08:29) Sam: “…great” Zeldissa stood up and stretched. She felt a little sore, like she’d slept for days, but she felt… good. Healed. Rested.

(08:30) Sam: “I don’t know how to repay you,” she told Terr. “I don’t have much…”

(08:30) Sam: “It was my pleasure,” he said with a bow. “I… I owed you, anyway. My sister sent me a letter the other day.”

(08:30) Sam: “Oh right…” Zeldissa said. “Yeah, I didn’t lie for you. Sorry.”

(08:31) Sam: “Don’t be,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “You did the right thing- I missed her. We’re going to try to work everything out.”

(08:35) Sam: (d’aww)

(08:37) Sam: “That’s, uh, good” Zeldissa ventured

(08:37) Sam: *Sappy nonsense* muttered Yuniss.

(08:37) Sam: “I just wanted to see if you were awake,” Terr said. “Would you like to join me for some breakfast?”

(08:37) Sam: Zeldissa agreed and Terr left the room so she could change.

(08:38) Sam: “Can we…” Zeldissa started, turning toward Yuniss. “Can we talk about…?”

(08:40) Sam: *Oh thank goodness* Yuniss said. *Yeah, let’s. That was CREEPY*

(08:40) Sam: “You’re telling me” muttered Zeldissa. “Who was that guy?”

(08:40) Sam: Yuniss shrugged her little digital shoulders. *Who knows? Super cursed, though.*

(08:40) Sam: “What?”

(08:41) Sam: *Oh, that guy was CURSED* Yuniss said. *I’d recognize that anywhere. Really powerful curse. Probably the work of the legendary El Diablo, a mighty and powerful witch from a far off land. She has a habit of coming through here every now and then and just cursing the hell out of some poor sap.*

(08:42) Sam: “So… it was a man?”

(08:42) Sam: *Once* Yuniss said. *Probably. Looks like a classic Bestial Rage curse. The dude gets mad, he gets all monster-like.*

(08:43) Sam: “But the tortured creatures… the BLOOD… the weird cottage… how…” Zeldissa trailed off.

(08:45) Sam: *I told you El Diablo was powerful. And she’s mighty cruel. Not only did she slap the ol’ Bestial Rage on him, she freaking COATED that dude in illusion magic. I don’t know if he realizes where he lives. Or what he’s doing. Probably living in some crazy fantasy world where he has a nice little house and goes out deer hunting or something. Instead, he lives in a creepy cave and spends his days stabbing little elflings to death.*

(08:45) Sam: “Do you think he suspects?”

(08:46) Sam: *He might* Yuniss said. *It’s probably driving him even madder. But it would explain his hatred of witches and curses- he KNOWS what’s happened to him, in some part of his mind.*

(08:46) Sam: “That’s horrible,” Zeldissa said.

(08:46) Sam: *Yeah… probably would have been more humane to kill him*

(08:46) Sam: “Wait… he’s still alive?!”

(08:47) Sam: *Oh yeah* the pixie said. *Just knocked out. I figure he’s awake by now*

(08:47) Sam: “What… oh god… what if he comes after us?”

(08:48) Sam: *Eh, did you SEE how pale he was? Dude probably can’t leave that cave anymore. He’s been there too long. We’re safe… so long as we NEVER GO IN THAT CAVE AGAIN*

(08:48) Sam: “Sounds like a plan” Zeldissa said. “This quest is getting…”

(08:48) Sam: *Perilous?*

(08:48) Sam: “Yeah,” Zeldissa sighed. “I think I should have just paid my stabling tickets.”

(08:49) Sam: Zeldissa gathered her things and joined Terr for a delicious, pleasant (though altogether uninteresting and useless to the plot) meal. After that, she decided to leave the inn and continue on her adventure.

(08:50) Sam: *You might want to stop and resupply in town* Yuniss said. *We used a lot of stuff in that cave*

(08:50) Sam: (Swing by the Royal Emporium? Y/N)

(08:50) Alissa: Yes!

(08:58) Sam: Zeldissa wandered into the Royal Emporium.

(08:58) Sam: There were things on the shelves that weren’t there before.

(09:02) Sam: Energizing Health Potions. Super Strong Cable. Industrial Grade White Out. SO MANY PENS. A t-shirt that said ‘Rejistered Gold Inspektor’. A pony… sculpture.

(09:03) Sam: “Why hello there” came a pleasant voice from behind the counter. “How can I help you today?”

(09:03) Sam: (How can the merchant assist you in making a purchase today?)

(09:04) Alissa: lol I want one of everything..

(09:04) Sam: “One of everything” Zeldissa said with zeal. Brash, brash zeal. “And two of a few things”

(09:05) Sam: “Uh huh” the man said. It was hard to place his accent. Southerly, was Zeldissa’s guess. “Sweetie, can you afford that?”

(09:07) Alissa: (am I supposed to answer?)

(09:08) Sam: (Uh, if you want. Sorry, the narrator was working)

(09:09) Alissa: Well I have that lizard, that was worth a lot last time if it hadn’t crawled away..

(09:10) Sam: Zeldissa reached into her bag and pulled out the lizard. Despite Zeldissa being tossed about and never actually feeding the thing, the little critter was still very much alive. And squirming.

(09:10) Sam: Gripping the lizard tightly, she reached back into her purse and pulled out the really shiny gem. She knocked the lizard upside the head with it. The lizard ceased struggling and appeared to be pretty unconscious.

(09:12) Sam: “Oooh, what’s that?” the shopkeeper said, his voice full of excitement. Zeldissa frowned.

(09:12) Sam: “This gem?”

(09:12) Sam: “No, the other thing. Is that… is that a LIZARD? From the Natgrid?”

(09:13) Sam: “Uh, yeah,” Zeldissa said, even though she really didn’t know WHERE the lizard had come from.

(09:15) Alissa: (gonna step into the break room quick)

(09:15) Sam: (k)

(09:20) Sam: The shopkeeper snatched the lizard out of her hands and went running through a door to the back of the shop. “Take whatever you want!” he yelled back to her.

(09:20) Sam: (You now have 4 available inventory slots. What do you want to take?)

(09:23) Alissa: ONLY 4?! 

(09:23) Alissa: Can I put the tshirt on then choose 4 more? lol

(09:24) Sam: (While that seems cheaty, I admire your spunk. Go for it)

(09:25) Alissa: It does, lol, I’ll wear tshirt and choose the energizing health potions, super strong cable, industrial grade white out, and the pony sculpture.

(09:30) Sam: Zeldissa loaded up her bag with loot (and cut a dashing figure in her new t-shirt while doing so).

(09:36) Sam: 3 potions, a roll of super strong cable, a huge bottle of industrial grade white out… and a pony sculpture.

 

(15:37) Sam: BACK TO MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS

(15:39) Alissa: what’s more important?

(15:40) Sam: Zeldissa popped out of the shop before the shopkeeper came to his sense and realized a lizard wasn’t currency.

(15:40) Sam: (THAT IS WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT)

(15:41) Sam: She looked to the… uh… north. Yeah, the north.

(15:42) Sam: In said northerly area, two great mountains loomed over the land. The mountains of Ekuipmont and Malphunksion.

(15:43) Sam: Zeldissa knew that the mighty dragon Sssssam lived in a secret den within Malphunksion.

(15:43) Sam: But nobody knew how to access the dragon’s lair.

(15:43) Sam: Or, at least, no one has survived to tell the tale.

(15:46) Sam: Zeldissa had no choice. She’d risked life, limb, sanity… even the glossiness of her hair to save the land of New Ophis. She could not fail now. She must finish her quest. She must get the Holy Pigtail from the mighty Sssssam and go forth all heroically to battle Cervar in the marshes of Pore Cignel.

(15:47) Sam: With a determined lift of the chin, Zeldissa stepped forward.

(15:47) Sam: And proceeded to trip and fall into the street.

(15:47) Sam: Yuniss snickered.

(15:47) Sam: “Shut up” Zeldissa grumbled as she dragged herself to her feet.

(15:48) Sam: She marched through town, a little more grouchily than heroically now.

(15:48) Sam: At the northern gate, the guard tried to waylay her.

(15:49) Sam: “Whoa there, girly,” the man said. “You can’t go through here. The northern mountains are dangerous, full of fierce monsters and deadly weather.”

(15:50) Sam: “Bite me” Zeldissa snapped. She shoved past the guard and stomped out the gate. Which was open. The guard was just trying to warn her. She totally over reacted.

(15:50) Sam: “SHUT UP” Zeldissa yelled at the narrator.

(15:50) Sam: …

(15:50) Sam: …

(15:50) Sam: …

(15:53) Sam: Ten minutes of blissful solitude later, the narrator could no longer resist and started live Tweeting Zeldissa’s adventures again. #Adventure #Hero #SavingTheKingdom #WhenWasTheLastTimeSheAte #YOLO #PurpleHair #PixiePower

(15:54) Sam: Zeldissa glared up at the sky (where she imagined the narrator lurked… which was WRONG), then sighed heavily and continued on her way.

(15:55) Sam: As she continued down the path, she began to hear a strange whistling in the distance. An eerie little tune was drifting down the path toward her.

(15:55) Sam: (Well, it’s getting late. Save game? Y/N)

(15:56) Sam: I will take that as a yes

 

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