The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Fifteenth)

Sorry for the dual formats on this post- my chat program was being a pain Friday.

***

Sam:

[07:53:39] *dooodly a-doo deeedle doooooo*
[07:53:44] (load last save? Y/N

 

Alissa:

[07:53:46]   Yes!

 

Sam:

[07:55:12] “Now… do you know the location of Sssssam’s lair?” Zeldissa asked the innkeeper as she sipped her cider. The innkeeper paled further.
[07:55:45] “I… You… You can’t go up there” the mistwraith whispered. “No one who enters Sssssam’s lair ever returns!”
[08:04:34] “Well, I’m not just anyone” said Zeldissa, her previous cave adventure fading into distant memory and her cocky self-assurance returning.
[08:07:18] “You’re a fool” hissed the innkeeper. “A damn fool.”
[08:13:19] “Hey now, you face-snatching wench,” Zeldissa snapped. “I didn’t come here asking for your judgment. I came here for a warm drink, a fire, and some information. If you cannot provide me with these, I will leave.”
[08:44:18] The innkeeper just stared at our heroine for a moment. “I can’t tell if you are brave or just crazy,” she muttered.
[08:44:34] *Oh, she’s crazy* came a tiny voice from deep in Zeldissa’s pack.
[08:47:13] “What’s that?” the innkeeper asked as Zeldissa sighed and pulled her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device from her pack.
[08:47:48] “It really was too much to ask that the cold and snow would toast your little circuits, wasn’t it?” Zeldissa sighed. The innkeeper stepped a little closer.
[08:47:52] “Yuniss, is that you?”
[08:49:50] *Sytrix?* the little pixie cried. *I haven’t seen you in YEARS*
[08:51:46] “Technically, you’ve NEVER seen me” the innkeeper teased. “How have you been? Goddesses, the last time I saw you was-“
[08:53:03] *That leprechaun’s party* Yuniss finished. *Yeah… I woke up in the middle of a swamp, surrounded by trolls who were worshipping me like a goddess. I don’t know what happened that led me there, but I spent three months there before they realized I wasn’t actually divine*
[10:46:46] “Oh, I remember that party” the innkeeper laughed. “That was so LONG ago. We’ve missed you around the kingdom.”
[10:47:53] *Oh, I’ve been busy* Yuniss said vaguely. For the first time, Zeldissa wondered where Yuniss had come from and why she was, uh, helping her on this quest.
[10:48:59] “Listen, this little reunion is great and all” Zeldissa interjected, “but we really need to get up that mountain… or the other one. Which mountain does Sssssam even live in?”

 

 

(10:49) Sam: “Um… Malphunksion,” the innkeeper said.

(10:50) Sam: “Oh yeah, I knew that.” Zeldissa was getting concerned the cold had damaged her brain somehow.

(10:51) Sam: The innkeeper sighed heavily. “You really are dead set on going, aren’t you?”

(10:51) Sam: *I’m not* Yuniss piped up. *But… well, we have to*

(10:52) Sam: “Yes, you have the look of youthful, foolhardy PURPOSE about you” the innkeeper said. “That’ll get you killed if you aren’t careful.”

(10:52) Sam: “Can you help us or not?” Zeldissa asked sharply. She was getting ruder and ruder as this adventure went on. Some heroine.

(10:52) Sam: “Perhaps” the innkeeper said. “However, I would need something for my troubles. You know how it is.”

(10:53) Sam: (The innkeeper is asking for a trade. What do you offer her?)

(10:53) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(10:54) Alissa: (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, fine what is my inventory)

(10:55) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(10:56) Alissa: umh…. the gem

(10:56) Sam: Good call

(10:56) Alissa: I need to upgrade how much my inventory can hold -____-

(10:59) Sam: (hmm… yeah, this game sucks for upgrades, doesn’t it?)

(10:59) Alissa: (lol a little but its okay, at least my barely there shoes got upgraded… once   )

(11:02) Sam: (oh yeah- you is kind of speedy now)

(11:02) Sam: (you also have a spiffy new t-shirt)

(11:02) Alissa: (true, but its almost making me freeze to death, lol not an upgrade at all)

(11:05) Sam: (eh, well, whatevs)

(14:01) Sam: Zeldissa offered the innkeeper her extremely shiny gem. “I, uh, I have this thing here…”

(14:12) Sam: The innkeeper looked at her like she had grown a second head. “What on earth would I do with that?”

(14:12) Sam: “Use it to… buy… things?”

(14:13) Sam: “That’s not money!” the innkeeper…er…right… she has a name… SYTRIX cried. “Now if you had a lizard…”

(14:14) Sam: “What is with these people and lizards?” muttered Zeldissa.

(14:19) Sam: Apparently, the shiny gem wasn’t going to work. There weren’t that many things in her inventory (as the player had whined about before)… what could the innkeeper want?

(14:20) Sam: Zeldissa looked around the place. Pretty Spartan, now that she was paying attention. A bit drab. Not terribly cozy at all.

(14:20) Sam: Probably hard for an insubstantial spirit to acquire decorations.

(14:20) Sam: Sighing, Zeldissa took a sip of her cooling cider.

(14:21) Sam: (Want to try something else?)

(14:21) Alissa: Blargghhhh   I have to give her the pony don’t I…

(14:21) Sam: Zeldissa thought the innkeeper would probably like that pony sculpture she’d picked up.

(14:22) Sam: But she didn’t want to give it up.

(14:22) Sam: “Well, guess I have nothing for you,” our heroine said, finishing her drink and tossing a few coins on the table. “It’s been interesting, but I have a dragon to face.” Zeldissa stood up from the table and started toward the door.

(14:24) Sam: “Oh, fiddlesticks” Sytrix said with a little stomp of her foot. “Wait.”

(14:25) Sam: *Since when do you say ‘fiddlesticks’?* Yuniss asked

(14:27) Sam: “Since I bought an inn and became respectable” sniffed the mistwraith.

(14:27) Sam: *…Right*

(14:27) Sam: “I can’t let you go out there unprepared,” the innkeeper said. “It would be wrong. If you want to go to your death, that’s your business, but I’m not going to be the one that killed you.”

(14:28) Sam: *Well, technically the cold would kill us* Yuniss said.

(14:28) Sam: “Do you want this coat or not?” snapped the innkeeper. Zeldissa shot the pixie a glare.

(14:28) Sam: “I would like that very much,” our heroine stated.

(14:29) Sam: “Let’s be honest,” Sytrix said. “I have no use for the thing.”

(14:29) Sam: *You and your magic clothes* muttered Yuniss.

(14:31) Sam: “You seem determined to go up that mountain,” Sytrix continued. “So I guess I’ll help you the best I can. I know that Sssssam’s lair lies high up on Malphunksion. The path from the village leads part way up. But after that, you will have to scale the peak some other way.”

(14:31) Sam: “I’m really not a mountain climber” Zeldissa said. The innkeeper nodded sagely.

(14:32) Sam: “Most people aren’t” she said. “It’s easy enough for a wraith like me. But you… you’ll need some help.”

(14:32) Sam: “What kind of help?”

(14:34) Sam: “Probably some rope or something,” the innkeeper said. “And this snippet I heard a traveler say once before:

At the end of the path, the way will be shone

Great spears of ice stuck into the stone

A single wrong move and your death you will meet

(14:36) Sam: But choose the right path and you’re in for a treat

A second path snakes to the great dragon’s lair

A dangerous place where you must tread with care

But for those full of guile or a thief’s deadly grace

That room full of treasure is a wondrous place”

(14:37) Sam: *Great, more cryptic poems* Yuniss said. *This adventure is GREAT*

(14:38) Sam: “Sounds like there’s a way up,” Zeldissa said. “And I have some cabling. I think I will be able to figure it out.”

(14:39) Sam: “Be careful,” the innkeeper said, waving slightly as Zeldissa donned her fancy new coat and stepped out into the storm again.

(14:39) Sam: Actually, in the short time she’d been inside, the weather had calmed a bit. It was still cold, but in her cozy new coat, she remained quite warm. She even found a pair of gloves in the pocket. (SCORE!)

(14:41) Sam: So, our heroine walked out of the little village at the base of the mountains and headed toward Malphunksion peak.

(14:46) Sam: The path did not go far, honestly. Part way up the mountain, it abruptly ended. On one side, the path sheared off and dropped away to the village below. It was… okay, actually it was a pretty far drop. Zeldissa had been on the path longer than she thought.

(14:46) Sam: On the other side, the mountain continued to rise above her.

(14:47) Sam: Great stones and shards of ice jutted this way and that out of the peak.

(14:47) Sam: All along it.

(14:47) Sam: Almost like…

(14:47) Sam: Zeldissa paused and cocked her head to the side.

(14:47) Sam: (it was her thinking pose)

(14:47) Sam: She pulled out her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device and held it up in front of her.

(14:47) Sam: “Hey, Yuniss, can you see… can you see a pattern here?”

(14:48) Sam: There was a series of tiny beeps and blips, then Yuniss spoke up. *Yes, actually. Take three steps to the right and you should see it.*

(14:52) Sam: So Zeldissa took three steps to the right. And what had been an almost complete picture sharpened into view. Among the rocks and ice, some giant shards of ice seemed to stand out, shimmering with a strange bluish light.

(14:52) Sam: They jutted out of the mountainside in five rows.

(14:53) Sam: “At the end of the path, the way will be shone

Great spears of ice stuck into the stone

” Zeldissa muttered.

(14:53) Sam: *A single wrong move and your death you will meet* Yuniss continued. *I think there’s only one way up these.*

(14:53) Sam: “Must be some kind of magic,” Zeldissa said. Yuniss nodded. “Well then, I guess there’s nothing to do but climb.”

(14:54) Sam: The first row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:54) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3, 4)

(14:54) Alissa: 2

(14:55) Sam: Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(14:55) Sam: And halfway up, the spike snapped off the mountainside. Zeldissa fell, the spike impaling her on the ground in a gruesome, hideous, spikey death.

(14:56) Sam: (You have died. Load auto save 1? Y/N)

(14:56) Alissa: Yes -_____-

(14:56) Sam: *doo dee doo doo*

(14:56) Sam: The first row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:56) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3, 4)

(14:56) Alissa: 3

(14:57) Sam: Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(14:57) Sam: (shoot- lazy narrator tried copying and totally meant to change second to third there. sorry)

(14:58) Sam: The spike held, and Zeldissa scrambled onto it. It was surprisingly wide, able to act as a sort of small platform for her as she prepared to climb to the next row of spikes.

(14:58) Sam: The second row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(14:58) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(14:59) Alissa: 2…

(14:59) Sam:  Zeldissa swung her cabling up and over the second great ice spike. She tested the line carefully. It seemed sound. She started climbing…

(15:00) Sam: And sure enough, she scrambled up the mountainside and clambered onto the ice spike.

(15:00) Sam: (good for you)

(15:00) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:00) Sam:  (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:01) Alissa: 1!

(15:01) Sam: Zeldissa tossed her cabling toward the first ice spike. It was a bit far.

(15:01) Sam: She missed.

(15:01) Sam: But unflagged, she tried again.

(15:01) Sam: Throwing her cabling harder this time.

(15:03) Sam: So hard, in fact, that she slipped and fell off the spike. She banged down the mountainside, bouncing about and rolling off the cliff entirely to die a horrid, squelchy death in the street of the town below.

(15:03) Sam: (You have died. Load auto save 2? Y/N)

(15:03) Alissa: what the what… how many saves do I have? YES

(15:04) Sam: (the save numbers are arbitrary, honestly. Your awful narrator contemplated only allowing an auto save at the start of the puzzle and making you do it all over every time, but she’s being generous now)

(15:04) Sam: *doo doo dee doo*

(15:04) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:04) Alissa: 3!

(15:04) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:04) Sam: (…

(15:04) Sam: )

(15:04) Alissa: oops, lol, tHREE

(15:05) Sam: (couldn’t even let the narrator copy and paste the question, could you?)

(15:05) Sam: (just for that…)

(15:05) Sam: Zeldissa died. Again.

(15:05) Sam: There was SO MUCH BLOOD

(15:05) Sam: OH GOD, THE BLOOD

(15:05) Sam: I’M GOING TO VOMIT

(15:05) Sam:  (You have died. Load auto save 2? Y/N)

(15:05) Alissa: Yes -___-

(15:06) Sam: The third row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:06) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2, 3)

(15:06) Alissa: now I choose 2

(15:06) Sam: Zeldissa tossed her line up to the second ice spike. With a great huff of effort, she dragged her tired self up to the next row of spike.

(15:06) Sam: Boy, all this effort (and dying) was getting to her.

(15:07) Sam: The fourth row of ice spikes was in range for her to hook her cabling to. The question was… which spike did she pick?

(15:07) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2)

(15:07) Alissa: 1

(15:08) Sam: Zeldissa lassoed the first ice spike and started climbing. About halfway up, she felt a great rumble from the mountain…

(15:16) Sam: (HAHAHA, suspense)

(15:18) Alissa: -__-

(15:37) Sam: The mountain rumbled. Some rocks shifted about and tumbled down on Zeldissa’s left.

(15:37) Sam: But her spike held and she climbed atop it to gaze at the final row of icy spikes.

(15:37) Sam: (choose ice spike: 1, 2)

(15:38) Alissa: 2!

(15:38) Sam: (o em gee)

(15:39) Sam: With a great effort, Zeldissa tossed her line up over the second ice spike. She heaved her tired body up and up.

(15:39) Sam: At some point, she made the mistake of looking down.

(15:39) Sam: The path was a loooooooooooooooooooooooong way below her.

(15:40) Sam: Her gloved hands tightened on the cable and she climbed a little faster.

(15:40) Sam: Soon, she had scurried up the ice spike and up onto the ledge above it.

(15:40) Sam: Lying there, gasping with both effort and fear, Zeldissa realized she must be lying on the hidden second path.

(15:41) Sam: “A second path snakes to the great dragon’s lair

” she whispered. “We’re on the right track.”

(15:42) Sam: She forced herself to her feet. The ledge she was standing on was narrow- far more narrow than our heroine would prefer.

(15:43) Sam: Slowly, she picked her way along it. The wind gusted around her, causing her to cling to the rocky face on her left.

(15:43) Sam: Up and up the narrow little path wove, and up and up our intrepid heroine strove.

(15:43) Sam: (hah, rhymes)

(15:44) Sam: The cold was even more biting here than down in the village below, and even Zeldissa’s fancy new coat was not enough to keep her warm. Her teeth started chattering.

(15:45) Sam: “Is… it… much… further?” she asked aloud. She heard Yuniss’ tiny voice from her pocket.

(15:45) Sam: *I don’t think so. I’m getting a reading up ahead. A large cave or something.*

(15:45) Sam: Sure enough, within minutes our heroine spotted a large cave mouth come into view. Jagged rocks overhang the entrance, giving it the appearance of a fierce, terrible maw.

(15:46) Sam: Zeldissa edges close and peered into the cave.

(15:46) Sam: She could see nothing but darkness behind the row of jagged rocks.

(15:46) Sam: “Great,” she muttered. “Another freaking cave.”

(15:47) Sam: And with a not-at-all-heroic slouch, slunk into the darkness of the cave.

(15:47) Sam: Where a dragon was waiting.

(15:47) Sam: (Well, it’s getting about that time. Save game? Y/N)

(15:47) Alissa: Yes, lol I knew you’d stop there

(15:47) Sam: Well, of course

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