The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Seventeenth)

Sorry it’s been so long, dearest galleons. There have actually been a few short installments of this tale in the time since our last post, but I keep forgetting to put them up here. And so, we’ll roll the last few together into one big installment.

You’re welcome.

***

Sam

[08:16:31]*doo doo dee doo da doo dooooooooo*

[08:16:37](load last save? Y/N)

 

Alissa

[08:17:37]Yes!

 

Sam

[08:17:49](lol- the narrator was concerned for a second there)

[08:18:25]Zeldissa continued down the self-illuminating corridor. The air got warmer and warmer as she crept deeper and deeper into the heart of the mountain.

[08:19:00]Soon, she began to see veins of silver and gold running through the stone walls. They glimmered entrancingly in the light of the magical globes.

[08:20:50]Small drift piles of gold began to appear at irregular intervals on the ground. Zeldissa was tempted to stop and load up her pockets, but she was afraid the sound of jingling and clinking would echo terribly through this quiet hall.

[08:38:00]She noticed that the walls had been becoming more and more… finished the deeper she went into the mountain. They began to look less like ragged cave walls and more like carefully worked and shaped square-ish hallway walls. The ground similarly had gone from rocks and dirt to an intricately tiled floor.

[08:38:31]The piles of gold and treasure began to get larger and more frequent. Zeldissa kept easing around them, but the further she went, the closer they got.

[08:41:51]As Zeldissa was carefully squeezing between two large piles of treasure, her bag brushed against one of the piles. The treasure shifted, and a few coins and gems slid, skittered, and clattered down the pile to the floor.

[08:42:01]In the silence of the hall, the noise sounded deafening.

[08:42:15]And up ahead, the deep breathing sound suddenly paused.

[09:10:15]’WHO DARES DISTURB THE MIGHTY SSSSSAM?’

[09:10:50]The voice rumbled down the corridor with a gust of scorching heat. Zeldissa cringed at the sound.

[09:12:59]*Great* Yuniss whispered. *You woke it up*

[09:13:22]’I SAID, WHO DARES DISTURB ME?’ The voice thundered again.

[09:14:33](What do you do? Do you answer the dragon or remain silent?)

 

Alissa

[09:14:50]I’ll be bold as usual and answer

 

Sam

[09:15:47]Zeldissa opened her mouth to respond, but all that came out was the barest of squeaks

[09:18:11]The squeak reverberated through the hallway strangely. A throaty chuckle was heard from the far end of the hall.

[09:18:57]’HEHE, NOTHING MORE THAN A LITTLE MOUSE, LOST IN MY CAVE. YOU ARE TOO SMALL TO BE MUCH OF A SNACK, LITTLE MOUSE. SCURRY ON OUT OF HERE. YOU ARE TOO BOLD FOR YOUR OWN GOOD’

[09:19:31]*That was close* Yuniss whispered.

[09:19:38]Zeldissa stared hard at the little pixie before mouthing ‘how can the dragon not hear you?’

[09:20:10]*I speak in a frequency dragons cannot hear* Yuniss said. Loudly. Zeldissa panicked a little, but there was no further sound from the dragon.

[09:23:30]Zeldissa crept forward with even greater caution than before.

[09:24:04]The steady sounds of the dragon’s breath had started up again, but she knew the dragon would not shrug off a second sound so easily.

[09:24:10]She would have to be extra quiet.[09:28:04]Yuniss, meanwhile, had decided to start singing as loudly as she could.

[09:48:57]*99 piles of gold on the ground, 99 piles of goooooooold. Kick one down, the dragon looks ’round, 98 piles of gold on the groooooooouuuuuuuuuuund. 98 piles of gold on the ground, 98 piles of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD.*

[09:55:08]Zeldissa considered dashing the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device against the stone wall. She kind of thought death by dragon would be worth murdering the annoying pixie.

[09:58:11]She continued creeping and slipping around the increasingly larger and more frequent piles of gold and treasure.

[10:02:33]The corridor started to widen. Large pillars began appearing in frequent intervals in the middle of the widening hall.

 

 

(13:55) Sam: BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY

(13:56) Sam: *doodle dee doo dun doo*

(13:56) Sam: (oh yes)

(13:56) Sam: (load last save? Y/N)

(13:56) Alissa: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

(13:59) Sam: (When last we saw our intrepid heroine, she was creeping around large piles of gold on her way to face the dreaded Sssssam… or whatever was lurking deep within the mountain cave… while a pixel pixie sang annoying little songs in her ear)

(14:01) Sam: The dragon or whatever had already stirred once. Zeldissa was certain another sound would not be brushed off as easily as the first. Her very life depended on her ability to stay completely silen-

(14:01) Sam: *SMASH CRASH CLANG CLATTER SPRONG SPRASH DING*

(14:09) Sam: Zeldissa froze as various bits and pieces of treasure smashed and tumbled their way down the stack of treasure she had just passed.

(14:10) Sam: Some part of her bag must have brushed against it as she passed.

(14:10) Sam: Zeldissa gulped- honestly, it had only been a matter of time.

(14:37) Sam: ‘I KNEW I HEARD SOMEONE IN MY LAIR’ the mighty voice boomed again

(14:37) Sam: *Oh crap* Yuniss said *We’re dead*

(14:40) Sam: Zeldissa toyed with her options. Did she boldly proclaim her presence in true heroic fashion…. or did she attempt to hide in the shadows and hope the dragon forgot about her?

(14:40) Sam: (So… which will it be, adventurer?)

(14:40) Alissa: BOLD

(14:41) Sam: (THAT’S RIGHT)

(14:42) Sam: Zeldissa steeled herself, summoned all her bravery, and shouted “YO SSSSSAM, YOU GOT SOMETHING I WANT”

(14:42) Sam: *…seriouslly?!*

(14:42) Sam: (or seriously, rather)

(14:43) Sam: There was a long pause.

(14:43) Sam: A pregnant pause.

(14:44) Sam: The kind of pause that starts reproducing as you experience it, spawning multitudes of tinier pauses that somehow only serve to amplify and expand upon the original pause.

(14:46) Sam: The kind of pause that empires fall in, the pause of a dramatic, history-altering moment happening.

(14:48) Sam: A pause that seemed to last eons. The universe expanded, worlds died, a species of goat waged a small and very brutal war with a tribe of sheep that no one witnessed.

(14:49) Sam: And then, at last, after all that magnificent pausing…

(14:49) Sam: …

(14:49) Sam: …

(14:49) Sam: Sssssam uttered a deafening, soul-rumbling laugh.

(14:50) Sam: ‘LITTLE INVADER, I HAVE NOT LAUGHED IN DECADES’ the voice said. ‘COME DEEPER INTO MY CAVE, THEN, IF YOU WOULD HAVE THE ITEM YOU SEEK. I FIND I DO NOT WANT TO KILL YOU JUST YET.’

(14:51) Sam: *Yayyyy* Yuniss muttered. *The man-eating dragon doesn’t want to eat us YET*

(14:54) Sam: “Better than nothing” Zeldissa muttered. But inside, she was still quaking. And wondering why the hell she had decided to shout that at a freaking dragon…

(14:56) Sam: No longer concerned with making noise, Zeldissa crashed and clattered her way down the corridor.

(14:57) Sam: The air was getting uncomfortably warm. Like, really uncomfortable.

(15:06) Sam: If Zeldissa hadn’t already abandoned her fancy outerwear she got from the innkeeper, she did so now.

(15:06) Sam: (Yes, the narrator is unable to recall that detail- DEAL WITH IT)

(15:14) Sam: She continued moving forward, sweat beading on her brow.

(15:14) Sam: Soon, her clothes began to stick to her unpleasantly.

(15:14) Sam: And still, the temperature rose.

(15:14) Sam: *So… hot…* Yuniss cried.

(15:14) Sam: “You’re digital,” Zeldissa wheezed. “You can’t even feel temperature.”

(15:14) Sam: *The circuits in this device are overheating* Yuniss said. *And trust me, I can feel that*

(15:15) Sam: Soon, the corridor took a shark turn

(15:15) Sam: Or rather, a sharp turn

(15:15) Sam: No shark could survive in this heat

(15:16) Sam: And when our heroine rounded the corner, there were the great, blazing eyes of the dragon Sssssam, watching her.

(15:29) Sam: The dragon was massive, towering over our heroine. It felt like the dragon filled the whole chamber, but that obviously wasn’t true, as there was SO MUCH TREASURE piled in there.

(15:30) Sam: The dragon’s scales appeared to be a dark brown-black, but they rippled with hints of pale gold and brilliant red. The air around the dragon shimmered with a furious heat.

(15:41) Sam: ‘WELL WELL, HELLO, LITTLE INTERLOPER’ the dragon boomed. Small tongues of fire danced out of its mouth as it spoke.

(15:43) Sam: “Uh, hey” Zeldissa said. “Nice to finally meet you”

(15:43) Sam: The dragon chuckled. ‘FINALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?’

(15:44) Sam: “Let me tell you,” Zeldissa said. “It has been an ordeal. There was this wizard and a card game and a monkey and I almost died and then there was that creepy bartender and who needs that many sticky notes? and don’t get me started on the forest…”

(15:45) Sam: ‘HOLD UP’ the dragon said. ‘START AGAIN. FROM THE BEGINNING. I WOULD HEAR THIS TALE OF YOURS.’

(15:45) Sam: (And I think we’ll save that for tomorrow. Save game? Y/N)

(15:46) Alissa: YES

(15:46) Alissa: awhhh adventuresssss

 

 

(14:48) Sam: *doo dee doo dun doodle dee doo*

(14:48) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(14:48) Alissa: YEEEEEEEEEES

(14:48) Alissa: I’ll need a refresher

(14:48) Alissa: on whats going on haha

(14:48) Sam: It’s been too long, adventurer

(14:49) Sam: When last we left our heroine, she had finally come to face-to-snout with the dreaded Sssssam.

(14:49) Sam: (Here’s a recap:)

(14:49) Sam: (15:29) Sam: The dragon was massive, towering over our heroine. It felt like the dragon filled the whole chamber, but that obviously wasn’t true, as there was SO MUCH TREASURE piled in there.

(15:30) Sam: The dragon’s scales appeared to be a dark brown-black, but they rippled with hints of pale gold and brilliant red. The air around the dragon shimmered with a furious heat.

(15:41) Sam: ‘WELL WELL, HELLO, LITTLE INTERLOPER’ the dragon boomed. Small tongues of fire danced out of its mouth as it spoke.

(15:43) Sam: “Uh, hey” Zeldissa said. “Nice to finally meet you”

(15:43) Sam: The dragon chuckled. ‘FINALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?’

(15:44) Sam: “Let me tell you,” Zeldissa said. “It has been an ordeal. There was this wizard and a card game and a monkey and I almost died and then there was that creepy bartender and who needs that many sticky notes? and don’t get me started on the forest…”

(15:45) Sam: ‘HOLD UP’ the dragon said. ‘START AGAIN. FROM THE BEGINNING. I WOULD HEAR THIS TALE OF YOURS.’

(14:53) Sam: Zeldissa stared up at the massive creature. She was sweating profusely. It was rather disgusting.

(14:54) Sam: She had been just rambling when she had started telling the dragon parts of her adventure, but she didn’t know if the great beast would care about her kingdom’s plight. And she didn’t want to become a tasty dragon snack.

(14:54) Sam: She wondered if she should try to lie to the dragon. She really felt good about her powers of persuasion after that incident in the cave which she NEVER WANTED TO THINK ABOUT AGAIN.

(14:54) Sam: (So, what do you think, adventurer? Tell the dragon the truth or LIE OUT YO BUTT?)

(14:56) Alissa: LIE OUT MUH BOOTAY

(14:57) Sam: Zeldissa smiled her most winning grin at the scaly monstrosity.

(15:00) Sam: “A few weeks ago, I was working at a tavern in the castle town,” Zeldissa said. “I mean, I know tavern work isn’t the BEST, but the economy is real bad out there. You have no idea.”

(15:04) Sam: “One night, as I was serving drinks, a man in a dark cloak beckoned me over to his table. He held up three gold coins and told me he would give them to me if I just sat down and played a card game with him. ‘I’m lonely and would like the company.'”

(15:05) Sam: “Now, this sounded a little shady, and my boss usually frowned on such things, but he was busy at the bar and I REALLY needed the coin. So, I sat down.”

(15:08) Sam: “The man shuffled a deck of strange, hexagonal cards and began arranging them on the table. He smiled at me and I felt instantly at ease. It had been silly to be worried about sitting here. He was a friendly gentleman and just wanted someone to play a game with him.”

(15:09) Sam: “I took a sip of the drink by my elbow. It was funny- I didn’t REMEMBER bringing a second drink to the table, but I must have. I didn’t even recognize the brew- it didn’t taste like our normal swill. It was sweet and rich and it warmed me all the way down. I smiled at the man as he briefly explained the rules of the game.”

(15:13) Sam: “I didn’t really understand, but I figured I would pick it up as I go. Something about baby in the cradle and crow in the pocket… even now, the details are fuzzy. And at first, everything seemed to be going along fine.”

(15:13) Sam: “Until I drew the monkey”

(15:13) Sam: *Oh my god* Yuniss said. *This is ridiculous. And why do all your stories start with you getting bewitched by strangers? What does that say about you?*

(15:14) Sam: Zeldissa froze, fear in her eyes. And then, slowly, she remembered. The dragon could not hear the voice of the pixie.

(15:14) Sam: Only Zeldissa was burdened by such a thing.

(15:17) Sam: “The card seemed to shake a little in my hand. I glanced up at the man across the table to see him smiling at me. ‘Remember, you must play the card you just drew.’ I wasn’t sure if that was so, but he knew the rules better than I, so I put the card on the table.”

(15:19) Sam: “The man looked at the card. ‘Ah, the monkey,’ he said. ‘That changes everything.’ And with that, he started picking cards off the table seemingly at random and shuffling them around, talking nonstop about battle plans and oracles.”

(15:19) Sam: “I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I figured I’d keep muddling through. However, at that moment, my boss came over.”

(15:21) Sam: “The owner of the tavern was a sleazy little man. He tended bar most nights and was really rude to me and the other girls that worked there. Constantly trying to get us to do all manner of unsavory things, if you know what I’m saying, then punishing us for refusing.”

(15:22) Sam: “So, he sidles over to the table and starts hissing at me to get back to work. And the man in the cloak just turns and gives him this glare. This cold, cold glare. My boss froze to the spot, all the blood draining from his face… then he turned around, climbed on a table, and started taking his clothes off.”

(15:23) Sam: “The other patrons started laughing and climbing over the bar to help themselves to the wares while the bartender continued his awkward show.”

(15:23) Sam: “It was at that moment that I realized- I was sitting with a wizard. I had to be.”

(15:26) Sam: “But I was unable to get up. Against my will, I turned back to the game. The wizard grinned again. ‘The monkey changes the game, remember? Now, things get serious.'”

(15:32) Sam: “Anyway, I don’t really remember the rest of the game. It’s just a blur of cards and that sweet drink and that man’s EYES.”

(15:40) Sam: “I woke up the next morning so hung-over I could barely move. I was in the back of a wagon, chained to a large metal ring in the center of the wagon bed.”

(15:40) Sam: “I felt like I was going to die.”

(15:41) Sam: “A voice from the front said, ‘Ah good, you’re awake. I was worried you weren’t going to wake up after that little potion I gave you. But, it’s good now. Hello there, pretty little thing.'”

(15:41) Sam: “I struggled against the chain. ‘What’s going on? Where are you taking me?’ I asked. He just laughed, but said nothing further.”

(15:42) Sam: “We traveled far to the east, to the outer reaches of the great desert. We stopped at a small bazaar.”

(15:42) Sam: “And it was at this bazaar that, for 20 gold coins and a magic pendant, I was sold to a dragon worshipping cult.”

(15:43) Sam: ‘OOOOOO, THEY STILL HAVE THOSE?’ Sssssam asked, delighted little smoke spirals coming out of its maw. ‘I THOUGHT THEY ALL DIED OUT A FEW HUNDRED YEARS AGO. DELICIOUS.’

(15:44) Sam: “Yes, well, they brought me back here. To this mountain. And they carted me up here and dumped me at the mouth of the cave. They said you had been too long without a slave and told me to get in here.”

(15:45) Sam: “On the way here, they told me such tales of your magnificence that I knew I must see you. And now that I have, I know that I want more than anything to be servant to you. Please, oh mighty Sssssam, let me serve you.”

(15:45) Sam: (Okay, you aren’t even paying attention now. We’ll just auto save and pick this up another day)

(15:46) Alissa: I AM TOO

 

 

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