The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Nineteenth)

Another two-parter (because I keep forgetting to post them here… sorry, galleons).

***

(14:24) Sam: *doo doo dee doo*

(14:24) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(14:24) Alissa: Yuuuuuus

(14:25) Sam: Zeldissa crept down the back hallway. She rounded a corner to see…

(14:25) Sam: What appeared to be the largest, most adorable kitchen she’d ever laid eyes on.

(14:25) Sam: The great dragon was wearing a frilly red apron and rumble-humming a little tune while it scooped massive sweet rolls off a baking tray with one dexterous claw.

(14:26) Sam: The room was stacked with sacks of flour and sugar. A large box in the corner could only be a magical ice box, where items like milk and eggs could be stored.

(14:28) Sam: Large quantities of sweets littered the counters around the dragon. Oversized cookies loaded with sweet berries and chunks of chocolate. Tiny cakes topped with sprinkles. Petit fours in a myriad of colors.

(14:29) Sam: The dragon’s tail swished joyfully back and forth as it shook its large, scaly bum to the music playing in its head.

(14:29) Sam: Small boxes on a table nearby were half loaded with confections. Zeldissa edged closer, trying to catch a glimpse of the labels.

(14:30) Sam: “Titanic Treats” she muttered, reading the nearest one. It appeared to be addressed to a woman in the castle town.

(14:30) Sam: ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!’ Sssssam all but shrieked. Zeldissa froze, realizing her muttering had been overheard by the great dragon.

(14:30) Sam: “I… uh…”

(14:34) Sam: ‘I TOLD YOU NEVER TO COME BACK HERE!’ The dragon’s voice had risen two octaves to a high-pitched whine.

(14:34) Sam: “I’m sorry,” Zeldissa said. She didn’t know how else to respond.

(14:49) Sam: ‘IT… IT’S OKAY’ the dragon said, with a slump of its massive shoulders.

(14:49) Sam: ‘SOMEONE WAS GOING TO FIND OUT EVENTUALLY. I JUST… WANTED TO KEEP IT A SECRET.’

(14:50) Sam: “What’s… what’s happening here?” Zeldissa asked.

(14:51) Sam: The dragon sighed. ‘I INHERITED THIS CAVE FROM MY MOTHER. SHE SPENT HER YOUTH TERRORIZING THE COUNTRYSIDE. AMASSED A HUGE HORDE. AND WANTED TO TURN IT OVER TO ME, HER ONLY CHILD. SHE WANTED ME TO BE EVEN MORE FEARED AND TERRIBLE THAN SHE WAS.’

(14:55) Sam: ‘BUT… BUT I DON’T WANT TO EAT PEOPLE AND BURN DOWN VILLAGES. I WANT TO BAKE. I LOVE BAKING.’

(14:55) Sam: The dragon sighed.

(14:55) Sam: Again.

(14:55) Sam: ‘BUT EVERYBODY WOULD LAUGH AT A DRAGON WHO BAKES COOKIES. SO I PRETEND TO BE EVIL… AND I SECRETLY RUN A BAKERY. I SEND SWEETS TO PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY. I LIKE TO MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD.’

(14:56) Sam: The dragon leaned over and blew a jet of flame at the oven.

(14:57) Sam: “Everybody loves sweets” Zeldissa said. “They would love you.”

(14:58) Sam: ‘THEY WOULD LAUGH ME OUT OF TOWN’ Sssssam said sadly. But then it brightened a bit. ‘BUT THAT’S OKAY. I CAN STILL HAVE MY SECRET BAKERY, SO LONG AS NO ONE KNOWS I’M NOT EVIL.’

(14:58) Sam: “I won’t tell” Zeldissa promised.

(14:58) Sam: ‘YOU WON’T? OH, LITTLE HUMAN GIRL, THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. THANK YOU! HERE, HAVE A COOKIE.’

(14:58) Sam: The dragon handed our heroine a cookie the size of her face.

(14:58) Sam: (eat the cookie or save it for later?)

(14:59) Alissa: oh man eat the cookie

(14:59) Sam: The dragon whipped up a cup of hot cocoa and gave it to Zeldissa, who was happily devouring the cookie.

(14:59) Sam: “This… is… soooooo good” she said through a mouthful of baked good.

(15:00) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure, but she could almost see a rosy tinge on the edges of the dragon’s scales.

(15:01) Sam: ‘THANK YOU’ it said. ‘I’M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.’

(15:01) Sam: “I wish I could have cookies like this all the time” Zeldissa said. The dragon looked at her, puzzled.

(15:01) Sam: ‘WELL, YOU CAN. YOU LIVE HERE NOW. I WOULD BE HAPPY TO BAKE FOR YOU.’

(15:01) Sam: “I… actually, I need to talk to you about something,” Zeldissa said, wiping crumbs off her adventurer’s garb.

(15:03) Sam: The dragon settled down into a half-slump that Zeldissa assumed was a comfortable sitting position for it. Ssssam began sipping a large vat of hot chocolate.

(15:03) Sam: ‘GO ON.’

(15:05) Sam: And so, Zeldissa told Sssssam about her quest and adventures. She told the dragon of how she needed the Holy Pigtail to save the land of Hyrule.

(15:05) Sam: “Please, Ssssam, if you have it, may I take it so that I can battle Cervar and save New Ophis?”

(15:06) Sam: (Yes, the narrator realizes she said Hyrule instead of New Ophis. Please forgive her)

(15:06) Sam: ‘BUT OF COURSE, LITTLE ADVENTURER!’ Ssssam said. The dragon ambled back into the treasure room and came back a moment later with a dusty wooden box.

(15:07) Sam: ‘I BELIEVE THESE ARE WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR’ it said, giving the box to Zeldissa.

(15:07) Sam: Our heroine opened it up to see the Holy Pigtail sitting inside, glowing faintly and smelling of disinfectant.

(15:07) Sam: “Thank you,” Zeldissa sighed. “I didn’t know it would be this easy to get the last piece.”

(15:08) Sam: ‘I TOLD YOU, I’M NOT EVIL,’ Sssssam said. ‘PLUS, IF NEW OPHIS WAS DESTROYED, I WOULD HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE MY COOKIES WITH!’

(15:09) Sam: After a few more cookies, another cup of hot chocolate, and much friendly chatter, Sssssam offered Zeldissa a place to sleep for the night.

(15:09) Sam: She woke well rested. Ssssam handed her her traveling bag (stuffed with sweets) and bid her farewell.

(15:10) Sam: ‘COME BACK TO VISIT SOON!’ the dragon cried. ‘YOU REALLY DID SORT THOSE SOCKS WONDERFULLY!’

(15:11) Sam: *Well, that’s it* Yuniss said as Zeldissa walked out Ssssam’s secret tunnel to the base of the mountain. *You have all three pieces of the Gently Used Headset. I guess…*

(15:11) Sam: “I guess it’s time for the boss battle” Zeldissa said with a gulp.

(15:12) Sam: *Do you think you’re ready?*

(15:12) Sam: “Oh god no”

(15:12) Sam: *Maybe a quick trip to town for supplies?*

(15:12) Sam: “That’s a great idea” Zeldissa said with an audible sigh of relief. She wasn’t COWARDLY or anything, but if she could put off facing the dread Cervar… well, she was going to. It was that simple.

(15:16) Sam: (fast travel to castle town? Y/N)

(15:16) Alissa: Yes!

(15:17) Sam: (swoosh. flarf. sprickle)

(15:17) Sam: Zeldissa stood in the middle of the castle town. People didn’t even look her way- folks fast travel here a lot.

(15:18) Sam: Of course, now that she was here, she wasn’t really sure what to do…

(15:18) Sam: Her inventory was full, after all

(15:18) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(15:19) Alissa: Hmmm, I do want to view it

(15:19) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(15:20) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure if she needed everything she’d picked up. Then again, she didn’t know what awaited her in the marshes.

(15:21) Sam: (What do you want to do? Try to trade some of these goods for other items? Just shrug and wander into the marsh? Something else?)

(15:29) Alissa: Hmmm, see what I can trade for

(15:41) Sam: (Narrator is unable to focus now. We will pick this back up later. Save game? Y/N)

(15:41) Alissa: Yes!

 

[And now, part the second]

 

(12:42) Sam: *doodle dee doo dun doo dooooooooooooo*

(12:43) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(12:43) Alissa: YES

(12:44) Sam: (When last we saw our intrepid heroine, she had just left the dragon Ssssssam’s lair with the last piece of the Gently Used Headset in hand. She had fast traveled to the castle town…)

(12:44) Sam: ((15:18) Sam: Of course, now that she was here, she wasn’t really sure what to do…

(15:18) Sam: Her inventory was full, after all

(15:18) Sam: (Remember, you can bring up your inventory if you need to view it)

(15:19) Alissa: Hmmm, I do want to view it

(15:19) Sam: (Inventory: -3 Energizing Health Potions -1 very shiny gem -1 roll of super strong cable -a huge bottle of industrial grade white out  -1 pony sculpture)

(15:20) Sam: Zeldissa wasn’t sure if she needed everything she’d picked up. Then again, she didn’t know what awaited her in the marshes.

(15:21) Sam: (What do you want to do? Try to trade some of these goods for other items? Just shrug and wander into the marsh? Something else?)

(15:29) Alissa: Hmmm, see what I can trade for

)

(12:45) Sam: Zeldissa wandered the streets of the castle town. There were so many shops. Stuff ‘n Thingz. Foodmart. Potions R Us. Ye Olde Banque. Slappy Joe’s Adventuring Supplies.

(12:45) Sam: She didn’t know where to begin.

(12:46) Sam: (What are you shopping for?)

(12:46) Alissa: either adventuring supplies or stuff n thingz lol

(12:46) Sam: Zeldissa was an adventurer at heart (and sometimes in practice). She decided to head to Slappy Joe’s.

(12:49) Sam: Standing behind the counter was someone who looked nothing like someone named “Slappy Joe.”

(12:49) Sam: In fact, the man looked… familiar.

(12:50) Sam: “Well, hi there,” he said in a hard-to-place accent. Southerly?

(12:50) Sam: “Wait a second,” Zeldissa said. “Aren’t you the shopkeeper from the Royal Emporium?”

(12:51) Sam: “Oh, I remember you,” he said excitedly. “You were the girl with the lizard from the Natgrid. Oh, you made me ever so happy with that.”

(12:51) Sam: “And you still haven’t answered my question…”

(12:52) Sam: “Oh sweetie, that was YEARS ago,” the man said. “Slappy Joe took over the Emporium. This is the same shop, don’t you recall?”

(12:52) Sam: “I… I don’t…” Zeldissa paused, confused. “What?”

(12:55) Sam: “Oh yeah, Slappy Joe took over the shop a long time ago. He let me keep my job, and then he went wandering out to fight in the Great War of the Natgrid. I haven’t seen him since.”

(13:00) Sam: “The Great War?” Zeldissa whispered. Her eyes widened. And started watering. But she wasn’t crying- she just has messed up eyes.

(13:01) Sam: *Maybe we need to find Terr* Yuniss suggested. *I think something’s gone horribly wrong*

(13:06) Sam: Zeldissa scuttled out the door and ran down the street. Now that she was paying attention, she could see that everything looked… different. Shop faces were different. Fashion had changed (what were with those weird denim leggings, anyway?).

(13:09) Sam: She ran down the street to the Break Room. They had redecorated.

(13:10) Sam: She didn’t like it.

(13:10) Sam: Terr was nowhere to be seen inside, so she asked the lady behind the bar.

(13:11) Sam: “Oh, Terr doesn’t come around here much anymore,” she said, wiping down glasses in that way that denotes a bartender pretending to do something so they aren’t just standing there, being useless. Some things never change. “But he lives just down on Marsean Way. You could probably catch him there.”

(13:27) Sam: And so, Zeldissa headed down to Marsean way and found Terr standing outside a quaint little home, smoking.

(13:28) Sam: “Oh lord,” he said. “You came back. I thought you’d been killed in the war for sure.”

(13:28) Sam: “Terr, I think there’s been a horrible mistake,” Zeldissa said. “I need to talk to you.”

(14:20) Sam: Terr looked at her strangely. Zeldissa noticed that he looked… older. And tired.

(14:20) Sam: “It’s weird,” he said finally. “I haven’t seen you in years but… you haven’t aged a day.”

(14:22) Sam: “Yeah, well, that’s kind of what I need to talk about,” Zeldissa said.

(14:22) Sam: Terr gestured for her to come inside. The inside of his home was cluttered, full of things he must have accumulated over the years.

(14:23) Sam: “Do you ever clean?” Zeldissa asked. Rudely. Nobody ever said she was the nicest heroine.

(14:58) Sam: “I need to hire someone to tidy this up,” he whined. He turned to her, a glint in his eye. “You need a job?”

(15:07) Sam: “Uh… no. I’m busy trying to save the kingdom,” Zeldissa said. “Or, at least, I think I am. What year is it?”

(15:08) Sam: Terr told her and she blanched even paler than she already was (which is pretty pale). “So… it’s been… 5 years…”

(15:08) Sam: “Five years since what?”

(15:08) Sam: “Terr, after I saw you last, I went up north to face Sssssam,” Zeldissa said. “I was only up there for a few days, max. And now you’re telling me FIVE YEARS have passed.”

(15:09) Sam: “Oh, Sssssam. That dragon makes some good cookies,” Terr said with a smile.

(15:09) Sam: “Oh, she opened a bakery?” Zeldissa asked.

(15:09) Sam: “Yeah, a few years back. Said a friend of hers gave her the courage to do it. Real nice, that dragon.”

(15:19) Sam: “Okay, so… what happened since the last time you saw me?” Zeldissa pressed. “What is this war everyone keeps mentioning? What has happened?!”

(15:21) Sam: “Oh lord,” Terr said. “Okay. After the last time I saw you, the Natgrid started growing again. The village of Ekovah decided to fight back. And they were successful for a few months, because a lot of people came to fight for them.” He gave her a look. “People who had met you. You were the girl from Ekovah who helped a lot of people, and everyone wanted to help you. Even though you were nowhere to be found.”

(15:22) Sam: “Most people said you were deep in the heart of the Natgrid, fighting with Potter himself,” he continued. “However, the Safeguards around the village finally failed, and the Natgrid took over. But then we all learned the truth.”

(15:23) Sam: “The Natgrid wasn’t the bad guy here. The Natgrid was the only thing that could stand up against the Bearers of the Source of Alty, a powerful magic that was destroying the land. The Bearers marched up out of the marshes of Pore Cignel and decimated everything in their path.”

(15:24) Sam: “Potter and his 6 knights-”

(15:24) Sam: “Six?” Zeldissa said. “Weren’t there only 3 before?”

(15:26) Sam: “I think a few folks got promoted,” Terr said. “I don’t know. All I know is there were six knights- Sir Eaton the Noisy, Sir Tagg of the Eyebrows, Sir Silva the Staid…puft, Sir Jameson the Probably-a-Robot, Sir Hillyard the Laid-back, and Sir Head… er Man the Usually Forgotten.”

(15:26) Sam: “The Head… er Man used to run my village!” Zeldissa cried.

(15:27) Sam: “Yes, well, now he’s one of Potter’s knights,” Terr said. “You know how it goes. So, the six knights, led by Potter, pushed the Bearers of the Source of Alty back into the marshes.”

(15:29) Sam: “But there were many losses. One of Potter’s knights fell long before the final battle, as did the witch of the Natgrid. Many civilians and great creatures of the forest were lost. The Natgrid and its powers have kept the Bearers at bay, but we all know it’s only a matter of time until they come back.”

(15:31) Sam: “But… but I found the Headset,” Zeldissa said. “I was going to stop this.”

(15:31) Sam: “Like I said, we all thought you had died,” Terr said. “We never saw you. I just know what happened.”

(15:32) Sam: “Wow” Zeldissa said. “So… I failed.”

(15:33) Sam: “Uh…” Terr said. “I don’t know…”

(15:33) Sam: “I have to go,” Zeldissa said suddenly, her eyes watering again (this time, it really was tears). “Thanks, Terr.”

(15:33) Sam: “Anytime,” Terr said, puzzled. “Come see me again, if you have time.”

(15:34) Sam: *Whoa* Yuniss said. *That is crazy. How have five years passed?*

(15:34) Sam: “I don’t know,” Zeldissa said. “I was kind of hoping you would.”

(15:37) Sam: *Well, I mean, there were always rumors that fast traveling could glitch and send you through time. But I kind of thought that was just a bunch of conspiracy nuts. Like the ones who believe in Old Mike, the Addy Monster of Kolecksion Lake…*

(15:37) Sam: “WHAT?! You KNEW this could happen and you never warned me?!”

(15:38) Sam: *Uh, if you were listening, I said I just said I thought it was a myth. Why would I warn you about a myth? Should I tell you to watch out for grimbles next?*

(15:38) Sam: “What’s a grimble?” Zeldissa asked.

(15:39) Sam: *You had a weird childhood* Yuniss said, exasperated. *They’re little monsters in a bunch of fairy tales. And they AREN’T REAL.*

(15:39) Sam: “Well, somehow, we traveled through time,” Zeldissa snapped. “So maybe you need to revisit your grimble theory.”

(15:40) Sam: *Jerk*

(15:40) Sam: “Anyway,” Zeldissa said, rolling her eyes. “Somehow, fast traveling MAY have sent us five freaking years into the future. Great. And now all that work was for nothing.”

(15:41) Sam: *Well, not really,* Yuniss said. *I mean, Terr said that Bearers were pushed back into the marsh…*

(15:42) Sam: “Yeah, the marsh of Pore Cignel. Where Cervar was. I don’t think that was a coincidence. THIS is what we were supposed to prevent. And we failed.”

(15:42) Sam: *Okay, well, first off, YOU failed,* Yuniss said. *I wasn’t charged with any heroic mission. This is on you.*

(15:42) Sam: “Thanks.”

(15:43) Sam: *Second, Terr just said the Bearers were pushed back. He never said they were beaten. Maybe we can still help.*

(15:43) Sam: “Oh sure, NOW it’s ‘we’,” Zeldissa grumbled. “Still, that’s not a bad idea. I guess we should go see Potter then.”

(15:43) Sam: (It is getting late. Save game? Y/N)

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