“Little Yellow Clock or Why is Alissa Still Away?”

Today, instead of another installment of the thrilling adventures of Zeldissa, I have something else for you. This is mostly because there WAS no adventuring today. Because Ginger Assistant was elsewhere in the office all day. I was pretty lonely without her… so I wrote her this song.

***

It’s midway

Through a Monday

And I have nothing left to do

Just callbacks

And some feedback

For our ever-dwindling crew

 

I’m so bored

Here at this keyboard

That I’ve started timing calls

Here in this Hell

Answering emails

And staring blankly at the walls

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

You don’t know how much I’ve missed ya

 

Locked here in this tiny cube

You really haven’t got a clue

How dull my life is without you

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

You don’t know how much I’ve missed ya

 

I miss ya…….

 

The clock ticks away

The last hours of the day

But my god, this afternoon won’t die

I ask the 8 ball

But it says fuck all

And I think that I might finally cryyyyyy

 

The saddest thing, and this I know

Is how quick I was to let you go

And now I’m here, all alone

And you’ll just clock out and go hooooooooome

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

You don’t know how much I’ve missed ya

 

Locked here in this tiny cube

You really haven’t got a clue

How dull my life is without you

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

You don’t know how much I’ve missed ya

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, Alissa

 

*dramatic, sad whisper*

 

Alissa…

“Heartache Over Innsmouth” Norm Sherman

I was the new kid in school,
A first year freshmen theosophy major at Miskatonic U
Wandering through my life in a daze there, until I met you
With your bulging watery eyes
Felt like I was tied down with my insides hanging out
Like a human sacrifice

I asked you on a date
In a croaking gutteral whisper you said “Pick me up at 8”
I remember how your hair (and your spine) curled, and your shambling gait
You had me from the start
And I don’t care about your ancient, hideous gods
They’ll never keep us apart

Cuz you’re my quasi-icthyian angel
You’re my half amphibian queen
You’re the Overlord of my Universe
You’re the Tormentor of my Dreams
You’re my starry-eyed web-footed wonderful
You swallow my sanity
You’re my fish-frog sweetheart, Baby let me be your
Filthy gibbering lunatic priest

There was magic in the air
The first time I ran my hands through your patches of stringy yellow hair
The first time I kissed your blistering lips, when you whispered in my ear
That you would you be mine
But when you finished transforming you were out the door and
You never even said goodbye

And here I am today
While you’re swimmin in some non-Euclidean sunken city named R’lyeh
And there’s a cyclopean hole in my soul that I know’ll never go away
Because you left me far behind
Now I’m locked up in this loony bin, screamin’ your name at night

Cuz you’re my quasi-icthyian angel
You’re my half amphibian queen
You’re the Overlord of my Universe
You’re the Tormentor of my Dreams
You’re my starry-eyed web-footed wonderful
You’re The Thing That Can Never Be
You’re my fish-frog demigod and baby girl I’m your
Filthy gibbering lunatic priest

I know “Old Ones Were and the Old Ones Are and the Old One’s will always Be”
And the Elder Gods wait, just beyond the Great Gate, and awaken from their ancient dreams
Though loathsome hideous squid-headed blasphemies rise up from the deep
I don’t pay heed
It doesn’t matter to me

Cuz you’re my quasi-icthyian angel
You’re my half amphibian queen
You’re the Overlord of my Universe
You’re the Tormentor of my Dreams
You’re my starry-eyed web-footed wonderful
You swallow my sanity
You’re my fish-frog sweetheart, I only wanna be your
Filthy gibbering lunatic priest

“Statistically I Love You” Helen Arney

Baby
I’ve looked at this empirically
And I think you’re the one for me
Plus or minus three

You’re my man
And I want you to understand
How it feels when I hold your hand
So I’ll draw a Venn Diagram

Statistically I love you, and
Mathematically I need you, and
Graphically I want you, and
On average, I’m going to make you mine

You’re beautiful
My love for you is irrational
It’s constant, it’s recurring, and it’s infinite, and you can use it to calculate
The circumference of a circle of any known diameter
Maybe that’s not love, maybe I’m just thinking of pi

Oh, pi

Statistically I love you, and
Geometrically I need you, and
Geophysically I want you, and
My calculations suggest I’m gonna make you mine

If you were a logarithm I’d be your exponential
Your grasp of arithmetic I find quite sensual
Give me your raw data and I’ll show my conclusion
Give me a new equation and I’ll name a biscuit after you

Like Choco Leibniz or
Fig Newton or
Petit Fourier (not technically a biscuit, but) or
Thomas Hobbesnob or
Pythagoras Cream

Statistically I love you, therefore
Logically I need you, and
Categorically I want you, and
Theoretically you are already mine

“What I Have to Offer” Eels

What I have to offer
Well, there’s a lot
Now I’m a modest man
But look at all I got

For all the wear and tear
I look okay
I got good manners
And I make a good pay

And you know
I’m all full of love
For you

What I have to offer
Well, there’s so much
A caring nature
And a tender touch

I got a pleasin’ disposition
And I don’t care about
Football or fishin’

And you know
That I’m all full of love
For you

What I have to offer
Well, check it out
I’ve learned some things
And I know what it’s about

I’m quite discerning
And I’m pretty smart
It takes an awful lot
To win my heart

But you know
That I’m so full of love
For you

Insomnia Blues

I can’t sleep, galleons, so I wrote you a song:

Bah nah nuh nah nuh
Bah nah nuh nah nuh
Five o’clock in the mornin’
Bah nah nuh nah nuh
And I can’t get to sleep
Bah nah nuh nah nuh
Got to be up in two hours
Bah nah nuh nah nuh
Feel like I’m gonna weep
Bah nah nuh nah nuh

I toss and I turn
And I stare at the walls
But the hours tick by
And I get no sleep at all

I got the insomnia blues
Yeah, I got ’em bad

Bah nah nuh nah nuh
My head starts to pound
Bah nah nuh nah nuh
And my stomach feels sick
Bah nah nuh nah nuh
And my joints ache and moan
Bah nah nuh nah nuh
If there’s a God, he’s a dick
Bah nah nuh nah nuh

Oh, I toss and I turn
And I stare at the walls
But the hours tick by
And I get no sleep at all

Cuz I got the insomnia blues
Oh, I got ’em
Got them insomnia blues

Yeah, I get no sleep at all, baby

“It’s Not” Aimee Mann

I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can’t see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it’s not

So here I’m sitting in my car at the same old stop light
I keep waiting for a change, but I don’t know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I’m just frozen here in the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I’m not

People are tricky- you can’t afford to show
Anything risky, anything they don’t know
The moment you try, kiss it goodbye

So baby, kiss me like a drug, like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
For I’ll get lost in space that goes on forever
And you may call the rest just an afterthought
And I’ll believe it’s you could make it better
Though it’s not
No, it’s not

“Keep Me High” Adaline

Oh, my love
See my blood, red for you
A dried sponge
Suddenly wet from you

My red lips
Shy and ready for you
My pale skin
You want my pale skin, love

Can you keep me high, high love?

You’re as fine
As a Polynesian smile
We’ve been asleep
Asleep for far too long

Come here close
Almost enough to touch
In and out
You keep me in and out

Love

Can you keep me high, high love?

You break me
The pull is stronger than the push