The Legend of Zelda: The Gently Used Headset (Part the Twelfth)

While episodes may be not-quite-daily, the adventures of Zeldissa continue.

***

(09:43) Sam: I totally think we should do something to liven it up

(09:43) Sam: …like adventure. Yeah, adventures are good

(09:43) Alissa: Agreed.

(09:43) Sam: Woo!

(09:48) Sam: *doo deedle doo*

(09:48) Sam: (Load last save? Y/N)

(09:48) Alissa: Yes!

(09:48) Sam: (cool beans)

(09:50) Sam: Zeldissa shivered as the man ran his fingers along the axe handle.

(09:50) Sam: “I do not appreciate it when people lie to me,” the man said calmly. With an eerie calm. Creepy, creepy calm tones.

(09:52) Sam: Zeldissa was frozen in her seat. The man was beginning to stand, his fingers curling ’round the axe handle. She needed to say something. Something to deter the crazy, bearded, axe wielding denizen of this strange cottage.

(09:52) Sam: (So… what do you do? Fess up to the lie or STICK TO YOUR GUNS?)

(09:52) Alissa: STICK TO THEM

(09:52) Sam: (ballsy)

(09:53) Sam: In a move the narrator can only describe as ballsy, our heroine decided to just stick to that elaborate lie. After all, she was proud of the thing.

(09:53) Sam: “I am not lying to you,” she said with a haughty little sniff and turn of her nose.

(09:58) Sam: The man stared at her again. His brow furrowed in thought.

(09:58) Sam: “So…” he said slowly.”You are not lying.”

(09:58) Sam: “No, I am not,” Zeldissa stated.

(09:58) Sam: “So… you’re really that stupid?”

(09:59) Sam: “What do you mean?” our heroine huffed.

(10:00) Sam: “You are really stupid enough to believe some guy’s story of magic marbles,” the great bear of a man muttered. “Din, that might be worse than lying.”

(10:02) Sam: *You’re telling me* came a tiny voice from Zeldissa’s pocket. The man spun around, brandishing his axe at our heroine’s face.

(10:02) Sam: “What sorcery do you possess, witch? What was that?”

(10:04) Sam: There was a crazed look to the man’s eye. He appeared to be frothing slightly at the mouth. Like a pasty, rabid bear.

(10:06) Sam: Zeldissa knew she had two options. She either had to figure out how to talk the beast-man down… or she had to fight him.

(10:06) Sam: (Talk or fight?)

(10:08) Alissa: Act like I’m going to talk, then sneak attack fight and reveal that it was a lie because I’m not stupid like he thinks

(10:08) Sam: (Boy, that one stung, didn’t it?)

(10:09) Sam: Zeldissa eased her chair back from the table. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she noticed a strange flickering. Like the cozy fire in the fireplace had winked out for a moment.

(10:12) Sam: “I’m not a witch,” she said. “I just found this thing on the ground. And it started talking to me.” It took everything in her to lower her eyes slightly. “I… I know it’s probably cursed. Or possessed. But… but… “She sniffled, her eyes getting misty.” I just wanted someone to talk to. I was… lonely.”

(10:13) Sam: She glanced up then, her eyes big and liquidy. She saw the tip of the axe waver and start to droop to the ground.

(10:14) Sam: And that’s when she struck.

(10:14) Sam: In one smooth move, Zeldissa was out of her chair, scissors in hand. In a heartbeat, she was leaping toward the large man and burying the blades of her scissors in his pale, pale forearm.

(10:17) Sam: The man gave a howl of rage and the axe slipped from his grasp.

(10:17) Sam: (oh em geezles, time to ask the 8 ball about our heroine’s fate)

(10:17) Sam: (oooooh. that’s not good)

(10:20) Alissa: (don’t forget to reveal the lie!)

(10:21) Sam: Driving the scissors deeper into the man’s arm flesh, Zeldissa leaned in close and whispered “I cannot believe you fell for that story. Tell me, who’s the stupid one now?”

(10:23) Sam: An inhuman, utterly bestial growl broke forth from the man’s snarling lips. His teeth looked… longer than before. Sharper. Zeldissa noticed that same flickering occurring in the corner of her eye. When she looked up, she saw the quaint little kitchen begin winking in and out, showing something… dark behind. Something foul. She could see blood smeared boards and an oozing pool of green muck next to some dark rocks.

(10:24) Sam: A chill went through our heroine. She had been right- something was desperately wrong here.

(10:29) Sam: (and now a paused while I do some real work)

(10:29) Alissa: (SUSPENSE)

(10:29) Sam: (YUS)

(14:00) Sam: (continue adventuring? Y/N)

(14:01) Alissa: Yes!

(14:05) Sam: Zeldissa glanced back at the man. His eyes burned with raw fury, but she could see a deep well of intelligence beneath the anger. And that made him very, very dangerous.

(14:06) Sam: His skin appeared to be getting… slicker. His hair was lengthening. His face elongating, his eyes sinking further into his head, his mouth stretching wider and wider in a rictus grin.

(14:06) Sam: Zeldissa was afraid.

(14:07) Sam: But she didn’t feel the true touch of bone-chilling, absolute fear until the creature’s hand clamped around her throat and its long fingers began to squeeze.

(14:09) Sam: It was as if a package of fireworks went off behind her eyes. The creature’s grip was like iron and was slowly closing in, tighter and tighter.

(14:12) Sam: She gripped the scissors in her hand as firmly as she could and dug them into the offending arm.

(14:13) Sam: To absolutely no effect.

(14:14) Sam: Dark spots were starting to appear in her vision, but through the haze of pain, she could see the cottage had all but vanished, leaving a hovel in its place that looked like a serial killer’s nesting grounds.

(14:15) Sam: Zeldissa hung in the creature’s grasp, strength failing. She desperately tried to come up with a plan.

(14:15) Sam: (Because it’s been awhile since we opened up this dusty old screen…)

(14:16) Sam: (Inventory: scissors [currently buried in creature’s arm], stapler, roll of tape, lizard, really shiny gem, and the mysterious box you grabbed from the treasure pile earlier in the cave)

(14:16) Sam: (What’s the plan, girly?)

(14:17) Alissa: whats in the mysterious box…

(14:17) Sam: (I don’t know- you never opened it)

(14:17) Alissa: I wanna open it, lol, if I can while dying

(14:18) Sam: Zeldissa knew she was probably going to die here in the creature’s slimy, hairy grasp.

(14:18) Sam: So naturally, she decided to check out the treasure she’d picked up a few rooms back.

(14:18) Sam: After all, she didn’t want to die without seeing what was in the box.

(14:20) Sam: Zeldissa reached down into her bag and fumbled open the small box. She reached in and drew the treasure up to her eyes.

(14:20) Sam: It was hard to focus. The item felt… squishy.

(14:20) Sam: A little crusty.

(14:20) Sam: She looked in her raised hand.

(14:20) Sam: Two foam earpieces were clutched there.

(14:21) Sam: Two foam earpieces.

(14:21) Sam: Only slightly grungy.

(14:21) Sam: *OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME* came a voice from Zeldissa’s pocket.

(14:22) Sam: The creature snarled and drew back its other arm, devastatingly long claws sliding out of the tips of its wretched, long fingers.

(14:23) Sam: *This is bullshit* Yuniss screeched. With considerable effort, Zeldissa put the ear pieces back in her bag and drew her COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device forth. It glowed with a furious pink light.

(14:25) Sam: *We’ve had the stupid ear things this whole time?!* the pixie cried. The creature howled at the noise, but Yuniss ignored it. *We’ve been traipsing around this cave, NEARLY DYING multiple times, and we picked them up out of that pile of socks on a table?*

(14:26) Sam: Zeldissa couldn’t say anything, as she was busy being strangled.

(14:26) Sam: However, she had an idea.

(14:26) Sam: With the last breath in her lungs, she pushed out the barest whisper. “shock”

(14:32) Sam: *What?* the pixie sputtered. But Zeldissa couldn’t say anything else. She just pressed the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device into the creature’s slimy arm and hoped the pixie figured it out.

(14:35) Sam: (such suspense)

(14:35) Sam: (much drama)

(15:06) Sam: For a moment, nothing happened. Zeldissa continued her slow slide toward death, Yuniss continued being confused, and the creature began leisurely sharpening its claws on a nearby rock, preparing to tear into our heroine.

(15:07) Sam: *OH* came the pixie’s small voice from what sounded like a very long tunnel to our heroine *SHOCK*

(15:08) Sam: And with that, the little pixie unleashed a devastating little shock to the creature. Because the creature’s skin was coated in a layer of viscous slime, the shock was amplified. It zapped both the creature and Zeldissa. For our heroine, everything finally went blissfully dark.

(15:11) Sam: ——–

(15:11) Sam: ——

(15:11) Sam: oooo, time is passing

(15:11) Sam: ——-

(15:11) Sam: ——–

(15:12) Sam: Zeldissa slowly forced her eyes open. Everything hurt. Her joints. Her eyeballs. Her throat. Even her hair.

(15:12) Sam: Also, she was wet

(15:12) Sam: With a groan, she forced herself to sit up. She appeared to be half lying in a pool of fetid water. She wanted to be grossed out, but really, it was the cleanest part of this…

(15:13) Sam: She didn’t know what to call it. What had appeared to be a cottage was nothing more than a smaller cave (a cave within a cave… CAVECEPTION)/nest.

(15:14) Sam: Blood and viscera smeared all visible surfaces. Bits of flesh and gnawed on limbs of… unidentifiable creatures littered the ground.

(15:21) Sam: Crude spears sat stacked in a corner. Small bodies of undersized goblins and… arachnid/toad hybrids lay scattered about, hideously twisted and pinned by small stakes.

(15:41) Sam: (god dammit, back to the story- we are getting out of this cave today)

(15:42) Sam: The creature lay in a larger pool of muck… water… muck. Yeah, muck.

(15:42) Sam: It was not moving.

(15:43) Sam: Great burn marks ran up its arm from where the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device had been pressed.

(15:43) Sam: Zeldissa frantically looked around.

(15:43) Sam: It was only then that she realized the COMPLETELY ROYALTY APPROVED communication device was still clutched in her hand.

(15:44) Sam: It was a bit damp. Zeldissa tried to wipe it off on the dry parts of her filthy shirt.

(15:44) Sam: “Yuniss?” the girl croaked through her damaged throat.

(15:44) Sam: *Here* the little pixie said wearily. The screen flickered sluggishly to life. *I think I need to charge.*

(15:45) Sam: “Can you warp us out of this cave first?” Zeldissa asked.

(15:45) Sam: *No*

(15:45) Sam: “Oh no,” our heroine murmured.

(15:45) Sam: *No, I mean the STONE you have can do that. Not my job* And with that, the device powered off.

(15:46) Sam: Zeldissa fumbled her traveling stone out of her pack and thought of the warp portal she’d placed at the entrance to the cave. There was a flash of purple light, a loud squelching sound, and suddenly she was sitting at the entrance to the cave.

(15:46) Sam: “Sunlight” she whispered.

(15:46) Sam: With the last of her strength, Zeldissa managed to warp to the castle town.

(15:47) Sam: There was a swish. A chirankle. A heavy sigh.

(15:47) Sam: And then darkness.

(15:47) Sam: (save game? Y/N)

(15:47) Alissa: Yes!

(15:47) Sam: Woo

(15:47) Alissa: lol that was a good one

(15:47) Sam: Thank goodness. We’re out of the cave

(15:48) Alissa: lol right>

(15:48) Alissa: ?*

(15:48) Alissa: that was creepy

(15:48) Alissa: and caveception

 

Cute or Horrifying? You Decide

Now galleons, I’ve been very clear about my feelings regarding sex toys that look like children’s toys (see this if you don’t remember). But, despite my grumpy fist-shaking at people making these bizarre, cutesy fuck toys, they just keep churning them out.

My latest find has me utterly baffled. They are so cute, so childish, that there is no sane person on this fucking planet that should feel comfortable letting these happy little guys anywhere near their genitals.

Galleons, meet the Buxxxor Collection:

I mean… damn. These little guys are not only adorable, they have names.

The little blue guy with the fucking beauty mark (or, as Animaniacs taught me when I was a child, a cutie mark) is an intimate massager…

Okay, wait, time out. Why the fuck do we call things “intimate massagers?” It’s a clit stimulator. That’s what it fucking is. It’s being marketed as a goddamn sex toy, it can at least drop the PG descriptor.

Anyway, the little blue guy (girl?) is Geena. Which… well, frankly, I’m not sure why it’s named Geena.

The pink fella is the one actually being called a clitoral stimulator, despite the fact that it’s shaped like a G-spot (and clitoral) stimulator (see this if you don’t believe me):

Because that fucking makes sense. Its name is Clitt, which is a sufficiently dirty name, I suppose. I maintain that this one should be Geena (G-spot) and the blue guy should be Clitt (for obvious reasons), but hey, I’m just trying to make sense here.

Silly me.

And finally, the yellow bloke is Woody. And he’s basically just your run-of-the-mill fuckstick.

Naming snafus aside, can you honestly imagine letting these little fellas near your lady bits? They are like the little prince guy in Katamari Damacy… is their purpose to roll my vagina up into a ball until I orgasm?

This whole thing makes me intensely uncomfortable. I’m just saying.