In Which I Consider Killing a Man to Preserve the Honor of Gamers Everywhere

Galleons, you all know I like me some video games. In fact, the very reason I have been so laconic here lately is because I have been spending so much time (probably too much time, to be honest) attached to my controller.

I own an Xbox 360. I prefer the system for a number of reasons, but they are purely personal. I’ve played the 360 a hell of a lot more than I’ve played the PS3 (the Wii doesn’t count- it’s really its own weird beast). All of the games I want are available for the 360 (not the case for the PS3). And, strange though it sounds, I much prefer the feel of the 360’s controller. It’s larger and fits my mannish hands nicely.

Mostly, I prefer it because it is familiar. I like to be comfortable with my gaming system. But I’m not one to jump in the trenches and start arguing with the PS fanboys about which system is superior. Frankly, I think the console fan wars are ridiculous. Just like with the Mac vs PC debate, both systems have their pros and cons. The PS3 is the more powerful system, but the 360 has more games available. The PS3 is Blu-ray compatible, but it costs more. The 360 has the more solid multiplayer and online experience, but the older models are known for dying spectacular, crimson-ringed deaths.

In the end, you select the console that best suits your individual needs. Just like with computers. Why can’t we all just be content that we are a cadre of nerdy game-lovers? Why must we puff out our pale chests and vie for a useless sense of superiority? This pissing contest irritates me, dear galleons, and it always has.

But it has never baffled/angered/appalled me more than it did last night.

About twenty minutes into my shift, I walked past a small group of my fellow retail drones on my way to retrieve some shopping carts for the backroom. Two of them were day shifters who I don’t actually know. To be honest, I don’t know the third man’s name either, though he actually works my shift. I’ve never bothered to learn it because he’s a surly, stupid jackass who pisses me off at least once a day. So, I just call him New Guy (or That Fucker/Cocksucker/Assdouche/Fuckwit/etc).

So, there I am, walking along, minding my own business (i.e. actively avoiding customers and coworkers so I don’t have to interact with them)… when I hear these three loudly debating which console is the best.

*cue Valley girl eye roll and disdainful sigh*

And then this happened:

Guy #1: Well, yeah, the PS3 is fine and all, but the 360-

New Guy: Shit, you know how I know the 360 is crap? Look at the fucking controller. It looks like a kid colored it in with their fucking crayons.

Guy #2: Wha-

New Guy: Our controller is so much better. Big. Black. None of that kiddie bullshit. Just a black controller and the little shapes.

Guy #2: Which are colored.

New Guy: God, you Xbox bitches are so stupid. So stupid. With your letters and everything. Shit, your controllers have all those letters and what if someone can’t read? They can’t use your controller. Ours just have shapes.

At this point, I had to just walk the fuck away (else someone was going to start bleeding). I have never heard someone argue that their system was superior because the ignorant could use it. The PS3: So simple an illiterate dumbass can use it. Yeah, that really sells me on how great your system is. You make it sound like the Idiot’s Guide to Gaming.

And might I point out that the 360 controller this heinous fucktard was pointing to when complaining about the color scheme was the black one. Which is 98.5% black, with only 5 little buttons with any sort of additional color on them. For comparison’s sake, the black 360 controller

And the PS3 controller

Yep, staggering difference in the color scheme. You’re right, New Guy. The 360’s controller certainly looks like a tablecloth at the Applebee’s after a group of five-year-olds has had their way with it.

It’s okay, though. My controller will apparently be seeing yours back in kindergarten. Mine will be learning how to color inside the lines, and yours will be learning how to fucking read.

Honestly, I don’t know how some people are allowed to live. I feel morally compelled to kill him and end his line. Let no more abominations spring forth from his tainted seed.

One response to “In Which I Consider Killing a Man to Preserve the Honor of Gamers Everywhere

  1. Good day! This post could not be written any better!
    Reading this post reminds me of my good old room mate!
    He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article
    to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read.
    Thanks for sharing!

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