WARNING: Uh… contains material that is NSFW. Really? Do I still have to say this after all this time? You should just know better by now, my galleons.
Oh, Japan. Your sex industry is something to be both respected and reviled. After all, one has to tip one’s hat to a country sporting a seven-story sex shop and such a… wide variety of sexual oddities. Then again, your young-girl fetish, bondage/rape obsession, and the fact that you sell used panties to horny dudes pushes you into the realm of fucked up.
But, when the world thinks of Japan and sex, what comes to mind is not the wide-eyed girls in skimpy school uniforms or the sexbots or the fact that you put Hello Kitty on the least (…or most?) appropriate items. No.
It’s the tentacle porn.
The Japanese obsession with tentacles isn’t a new thing. Hell, we all know that Edo-period woodcut, The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife:
For the record, not the only squid-sexin’ image of the time. Which makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
Anyway, Japan has a history with tentacles. And today, their tentacle-fixation has come to rest in their hentai (anime porn). Which is fine. We all laugh about it, make the jokes, secretly take a peek to see what it’s all about and then walk away, mentally traumatized.
Well, most of us do. But for some, making sweet underwater love with a cephalopod seems scintillating. They crave them some sexy, suction-y shenanigans, and by Neptune’s trident, who are we to deny them their bizarre desires?
Galleons, let’s talk tentacles.1
When it comes to experiencing tentacular bliss, it’s entirely unsurprising that the majority of simulated appendages are for penetration. Not just because of the rather phallic shape of the tentacle itself, but also because most sex toys are made for the ladies. And so, when it comes to tentacle-themed sex toys, most of them are some form of dildo or vibrator.
Your basic sextacles (No? Hmm… have to come up with something better before the end of this post) range from the simple to the more ornate. First up, you have your just-a-touch-off-normal, vaguely alien looking (though, really, aren’t most sex toys?) purple pleaser:
to this blue, curvy, more detailed model:
to the heavily detailed, like this cerulean monstrosity from the deep:
And for those of a slightly classier bent, there are some elegant glass ones, like this wicked red number:
But those are just the silicone/silica standard fare. And since when are we only interested in the basics, dear galleons? Oh no, not here. I have slogged through some of those shady parts of the internet I vowed to avoid in order to bring you the best of the tentacle offerings.
No, seriously, I saw things I can’t unsee. I didn’t even think it was possible to shock me anymore. Thank you, Internet, for proving me wrong.
Anyway, if you want the bestest, most amazing bit of tenticlish goodness, look no further than this:
BEHOLD THE SQUILDO!
An unholy collaboration between a custom sex toy company and Minneapolis artists, this must have been commissioned by Cthulhu himself and bestowed upon the world in all its wriggly, naughtical glory.
SQUILDO! ASSIST ME!
Actually, beyond it being hilarious/ridiculous, I love Squildo because it was supposedly created in honor of Octopotuthis deletron, which is species of squid noted for the males having a penis (which is unusual for squids). What I find particularly amusing about Octopotuthis deletron is that, because it’s so difficult to determine whether they’re meeting a male or female in the dark ocean depths, these guys just go ahead and attach sperm packets to everyone they meet.
You know, just in case.
But in case Squildo gets lonely, there are some little friends you can get for him to socialize with (and sperm packetize), specially made for your other orifices. Here’s the eight-armed butt plug:
The wriggly, waterproof little vibe:
And the unnecessarily squiddy ball gag:
Look at that. You can single-handedly be an entire squid exhibit at a zoo with these babies.
Now, if you’re a gent wanting some hot, slimy tentacle lovin’, what are you to do? All of the dildos can be used anally, certainly, but not everyone is into penetration. If what you’re looking for is more of a suction-cup happy tentacle-job, a little cepholopoddy delight for your dick, it’s cool. There’s a penis sleeve for that:
With more suction than even the finest human fellator can manage, now even the blokes can experience the divine grip of squishy tentacle passion.
Just like the fisherman’s wife.
Okay, if we’re being honest here, there’s no actual penetration evident in that naughty old woodcut. It’s about the squid getting all suction-y with that fishwife’s snatch and such. And so, it’s only fair that we cycle back to the start here.
With a little DIY tentacle toy goodness:
Someone modified a “pussy pump” to provide serious suction and vibration, then strapped a squishy squid toy to it to create the ultimate squid sexin’ fantasy.
Now, galleons, much as I mock, tease, and otherwise joke about much of what I feature in these sex posts, I don’t really care what gets you off. That’s your business (and, maybe, the business of some or all of your partners).
And when it comes to toys and sex play, hell, I’m all about you doing what makes you happy. And if tentacles give you a ride on the squiddly train to Orgasm Town, then by all means, buy your octopus ball gags and Squildos and hump away.
But galleons, it’s one thing to have an odd fetish you satisfy with some toys and a little role-playing, and another to go out and actually bang a squid.
Don’t bang squids.
And please, please don’t bang dead squids.
Don’t be this guy.
[For the record, the best part of that article is the bit when the prosecution amends the initial charge. I snorted ginger ale. It was painful… and worth it.]
Anyway, I’m now going to melon ball my eyes out and boil them in bleach. Seriously, there are things out there in Internetland that no one should ever see.