A few months back, a Southampton man found himself in the hospital after getting his penis stuck in a metal pipe. Why he was banging said pipe remains an official mystery, but I think most of the mystery bleeds away when you really think about it. You have a dick… you see a hole… there is a part of you that wants to stick said dick into said hole. Most of the time, you don’t act on those ridiculous impulses (much as ladies don’t always shove any ol’ vaguely phallic-shaped object into their snatch), but then there’s the guy (or gal) whose curiosity overrides his commonsense. And dignity.
Anyway, the Southampton man was in a real bind (literally), as the pipe had constricted blood flow to his prick, giving him a permanent hardon. Like a Viagra-coated steel sleeve, this pipe wasn’t coming off his penis of its own volition… or his. Looks like a trip to the emergency room was in order.
So this 40-ish-year-old man hobbles into the ER, sporting a shiny new accessory attached to his nether regions. Naturally, the nurses just blink and, in a bored tone of voice, direct him to a waiting area. Because ER nurses see weird shit like this all the time. Southampton man is, by all accounts (and expectedly), “quite concerned and anxious.”
After trying all the usual routes to free the man’s penis, doctors were forced to call in the big guns. So, in come the Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service. Not just one or two, but seven firefighters show up to handle the delicate situation.
And they show up with a fucking angle grinder.
For those of you who don’t know, this beastie is an angle grinder:
And this, in case you’ve forgotten, is a human penis. Note the squishy, fleshy nature of it:
- ‘Sup?
And this is an angle grinder injury, to another fleshy, squishy bit of the human body:
Frankly, I would not be too keen on allowing something that can do that anywhere near my junk. No wonder they needed 7 firemen to take care of the job- 6 were required to hold the Southampton man down as he flailed and gibbered and tried anything to get away from the death machine coming toward his cock.
Said cock did not suffer any grievous injury, however, despite the obvious fears and the also important but less readily apparent issue of things getting too hot during the cutting. The anesthetized penis was free after 30 minutes of cutting, suffering nothing more than some bruising and swelling after the whole ordeal.
And while this whole incident seem worthy of the highest honors in the Darwin Awards… it’s not the first time something like this has happened in Southampton. Watch manager Greg Garrett from the Redbridge fire station told the Southampton daily Echo: “I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.”
Three or four times? Really? Good times.
This is probably why I’m not allowed to have a penis. I would be stupid enough to do something like this.
***
And now, we’ll reverse positions. Instead of having a man penetrating an object, we’ll have an object penetrating a man.
While Stumbling, I came across the delightfully named post, “Anal Penetrating Chair Kills Teen.” Now I ask you… could you resist reading that?
So here’s what supposedly happened:
Over in China, a 14-year-old was killed when the computer chair he was sitting on fucking exploded, propelling shrapnel up into his ass, causing extensive, fatal bleeding. Though the boy was alone when the chair violated him, he managed to make a phone call through the haze of pain. Not to a hospital, but to his father. What was he going to say? “I love you, daddy, and I’m sorry I was going through your porn stash again. Guess I got my comeuppance, eh?”
The father had the presence of mind to call the fucking hospital, but it took an hour to get the kid to the hospital, and he died en route.
The murderous, rapist chair was actually your average, everyday pneumatic desk chair. Highly pressurized gas is stored in a cylinder on the back of the chair, and you use this device to raise and lower the height of the chair.
*cue 'Jaws' theme*
So… how did this perfectly ordinary chair suddenly become an exploding death device?
“Allegedly, energy created by the seat cushion caused the explosion.”
…What? No, seriously, what does that mean? What kind of energy was created by the seat cushion? Are we talking friction, maybe? Thermonuclear energy? This is not an explanation, dammit. And, despite my best efforts, I was unable to find anything that elaborated further on the seat cushion energy question.
There were more adequate explanations given, however. Non-nitrogenous gases contaminated the cylinder of the chair. Or the cylinder might not have been airtight. Or it might have been crafted out of faulty materials. Whatever the reason, the end result was still an ass-raping deathsplosion.
But again, this was not the first time such an incident had occurred. In fact, three other incidents were reported within the same month alone. You’d think the manufacturers of these chairs would, oh, I don’t know, fix this problem. Maybe. But apparently, a few asses are the price one pays for profit.
And you thought office jobs were cushy, that your greatest risk of injury was burning your mouth on your coffee or getting a paper cut off a report. Now you know better.
Epistula Rasa 
