If your name is Jonah Falcon, the answer may be yes.
Not only does Jonah sport a pretty decent porn nom de guerre, he’s known (by those who watch documentaries about oversized phalluses, I presume) for having the world’s largest penis. Measuring in at about 9.5 inches flaccid and a cringe-inducing 13.5 inches erect, Jonah’s penis is so massive he actually has to strap it down. Imagine that- waking up every morning and, as part of your morning routine, having to decide which leg to strap your cock to.
Hell, just imagine waking up with that
Anyway, Jonah was attempting to board a plane in San Francisco last week when TSA agents caught a glimpse of his… abnormal bulge. Instead of quickly averting their eyes and trying to not stare at his crotch, the TSA folks decided that massive lump must be some kind of biological threat.
They asked Jonah if he had something in his pocket, which he responded in the negative to. This required him to be led through various scanners before the personal pat-down. And though he kept trying to tell them it was his dick, the agents weren’t going to let him through that easily. While the gentleman patting him down patted all around Jonah’s penis without ever groping the massive wang, they also wiped Jonah’s hands and sprinkled some sort of powder on his pants to check for explosives.
Jonah was pretty good-natured about it all, though, being more amused by it than anything.
Next time, though, he’s going to be prepared. “I’m just gonna wear bike shorts from now on,” he said. “That way, they’ll know.”
Yeah Jonah, they’ll know. And instead of a simple pat-down, you’re going to get a female TSA agent pressing against you in an isolated bathroom stall, purring something about an “unattended package” that she’s going to have to check.
Then again… I suppose having your cock in someone’s mouth for “security reasons” wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
THIS POST IS CHOCK FULL OF IMAGES THAT ARE NSFW. I would suggest not continuing if you are currently in the office [and value your job], a small child [get off the internet and play outside or something], or a sufferer of phallophobia [you poor bastard].
Galleons, in the spring we did a post about adorning the lady bits, so I feel its only fair that we give the gents equal time. To be perfectly honest, I meant to do this follow-up post some time ago, but I got distracted by other topics and forgot about my plans. I have a bad habit of doing that.
But, we’re doing it now. So, without any further ado, let’s get to it.
Jewlery
Just like the ladies, men find themselves frequently shoving needles into their genitals in order to affix shiny bits to them. Personally, I can’t see the appeal of a bolt through the cock, but since most women are much like cats in their penchant for being irresistibly drawn to shiny objects (which, I maintain, is one of the main reasons the diamond industry exists… I really don’t understand the whole lady/diamond relationship- I’m more of a star sapphire girl myself), I guess adding a bit of penile bling might draw some women in. Maybe.
Regardless, men also have the option of pierced/non-pierced jewelry options. But since they are men, we find less of the crystals/jewels (… with the exception of this) and delicate chains and more of the of stainless steel rods and balls.
*snort*
Again, cock piercings are fairly well-known to the general public. Well, the Prince Albert is, at least. But the Prince Albert is only one of many options for men looking to pierce their junk.
I’m going to say this right now- you are not lacking in machismo if you shudder at the thought of a heavily tattooed man approaching your penis with a large, sharp needle. In fact, I think you are simply possessed of basic sanity.
But, even if you can’t stomach someone adding extra holes to your genitals, you can still get your cock jewelry fix. There are two primary types- insertion pieces and clamp/wrap pieces.
Insertion pieces (penis plugs) are terrifying metal rods you shove up your urethra and that feature some sort of decorative end bit that projects from the head of your cock like you just jizzed a quicksilver sculpture.
Here’s one in action, in case you lack the imagination to picture this:
And if shoving a rod up your urethra seems a bit… bizarre/extreme/ridiculous/insane, you can still adorn your junk with gleaming bits of metal. The simplest bit of cock jewelry is a glans ring, which is just a ring of metal you slip around the rim of the head.
But maybe this isn’t enough for you. Maybe you like your dick adornments to resemble kitchen accessories:
No, this is not a whisk. This is a variety of cock cage (also called chastity cages, for obvious reasons). I don’t really see the appeal of locking your bits up, but hey, I also don’t have a cock. So maybe I’m not the most qualified individual to judge.
Not all cock cages are this… restricting, however. Some are simply a series of rings that attach at the base of the penis and encircle the balls.
...I love that there's a site called 'Tickleberry.'
Really more like a glorified cock ring than an actual cage, they tend to be sold under both names.
…Not really jewelry, but I really think you menfolk should consider bringing the codpiece back.
I’m just saying.
Pejazzling
Oh, yes. This is now a thing. Ladies got to bedazzle their bits, and it made the men jealous. Why was there no option for gents to add a bit of glitter and sparkle downstairs?
…Considering the rampant fascination with sparkling vampires, this may actually be a viable way to get women into bed.
You wanna take a ride on this disco stick?
Okay, so the above image isn’t exactly accurate. Just like with the ladies, pejazzling doesn’t involve actually bejeweling the genitalia. Instead, crystals are applied to the area just above the genitals. Naturally, the developers recommend shaving the hair from the application area prior to placing the jewels on your body. And, I quote,
for the ‘very hairy’, a judicious waxing or laser session could be necessary.
…Because spending copious amounts of money on laser hair removal just so you can stick some little crystals above your package seems like an intelligent use for one’s money.
Apparently, the most popular pejazzling design is one of red crystal lips:
A none-too-delicate hint for the ladies, perhaps?
Genital Beading
But maybe the flash and glitter of cock jewelry isn’t really your thing. Maybe what you are looking for is a more permanent adornment.
Welcome, dear galleons, to the world of pearling, where you just aren’t hardcore if your cock isn’t as studded as the dog collar around your throat.
Pearling is the insertion of metal or plastic beads (usually about 1/4″ in diameter) beneath the shaft skin or foreskin of the penis. This can be done in one of two ways (…galleons, prepare yourselves for some rather graphic images if you click the next two links).
The first way is a modified piercing procedure, using either a scalpel or a large-gauge piercing needle. Two holes are required for insertion, which apparently limits the size of the pearls that can be inserted in this manner, but it’s apparently no more painful than your average genital piercing (which I don’t find to be terrible reassuring).
The second method is an actual implant technique. A small, single incision is made a small distance from the implant site. A device (…called a “spatula”) is inserted into the incision, creating a little tunnel/pocket to the implant site. The bead is then shoved into the pocket, and the incision is sutured or taped up. This method is more invasive and painful, but it requires fewer incisions and can support larger implants.
However you choose to get it done, the end result is a penis that is basically “textured for her pleasure” and looks like you have a strange case of genital warts.
Body Modification
But if you think pearling is your only option when it comes to penis modification, oh boy, am I here to burst your naive little bubble. There are myriad ways to slice-and-dice your dick to give it strange, alien shapes.
Like genital bisection.
No, that is not something out of a horror movie or a surrealist painting. It is an actual bisected penis.
Not into the full bisection? Don’t worry- there are other options. Like subincision, where you just split the underside of the penis:
Or meatotomy, where the glans is split:
Or inversion, where the top and bottom of the shaft is split, but the glans remain intact. This allows you to… to… to turn your penis inside out.
…I have no words for this.
But the varieties of bisection aren’t the only form of dick modding. There’s also the dorsal slit, where an incision is made along the top of the foreskin, exposing the glans without removing any actual tissue:
This is also known as a superincision, and it’s an alternative to circumcision.
It’s not the prettiest way to expose the glans, but it’s an option.
Tattooing
If a single needle coming near your dick just once for a piercing isn’t appealing, I doubt you’re going to be interested in a gun with multiple needles repeatedly stabbing into your member, but some people are dedicated to their ink. Very dedicated.
It’s absolutely possible to tattoo the penis. An experienced artist won’t have much of an issue doing it, and while many men get a bit nervous about the experience (not just the needles, but the possibility of becoming aroused during the process), tattoo artists are professionals and shouldn’t make you any more uncomfortable than the procedure will already be. It’s their responsibility to stretch the skin to properly ink your dick, so just relax and let them do their job.
But if you are going to tattoo your junk… what would you get?
A dragon?
A helpful tip?
Something with a touch of whimsy?
As with all tattoos, the sky’s the limit. You can basically get anything inked into your flesh, so if this is what you want, come up with something good. I mean, an inked prick is already going to cause ladies to pause to check it out- make it worth their while.
Pubic Hair
Sadly, just like ladies, men often find the need to take a razor to their downstairs region. There are many supposed advantages to manscaping, the primary one being that trimming/removing pubic hair will make your penis look larger. Which, granted, is true. However, it doesn’t actually change the size of your dick, so I just don’t see the point. It doesn’t enhance the pleasure of the lady (in fact, it can subtract from it a bit- hair has delightful friction and the rubbing of pubic hair against the clitoris during intercourse can be very stimulating). It may make a woman more amenable to oral, but bitches need to get over their prissy issues with that anyway.
Still, it can also cut down on trapped smells and sweat, which keeps you… fresher down there, which is certainly a plus.
And you have a variety of styles to choose from. You can crop it, shape it, remove as much or as little as you want. It’s up to you. Here’s a handy guide for some basic manscaping styles.
It’s a matter of personal preference, as all hair removal is. Some men prefer it, some ladies prefer it. Just be careful- that’s a sensitive area to shave, fellas.
There’s less of a stigma around male pubic hair than there is for ladies. We’re pretty much expected to, at the very least, trim the bush up and keep a neat house. You gents, on the other hand, can easily get away with letting the jungle run rampant.
Personally, I prefer a man who doesn’t tamper much with his pubic hair. Men are naturally hairier than women, and I like a man who embraces his masculinity by keeping a razor away from his bits.
Someone I know said it best:
Let the tree stand proud among the grasslands, not in the open and arid desert.
If I wanted to be with someone hairless, I’d be a lesbian. Or a child molester.
Anyway, since we’re on the subject, enjoy the following:
A few months back, a Southampton man found himself in the hospital after getting his penis stuck in a metal pipe. Why he was banging said pipe remains an official mystery, but I think most of the mystery bleeds away when you really think about it. You have a dick… you see a hole… there is a part of you that wants to stick said dick into said hole. Most of the time, you don’t act on those ridiculous impulses (much as ladies don’t always shove any ol’ vaguely phallic-shaped object into their snatch), but then there’s the guy (or gal) whose curiosity overrides his commonsense. And dignity.
Anyway, the Southampton man was in a real bind (literally), as the pipe had constricted blood flow to his prick, giving him a permanent hardon. Like a Viagra-coated steel sleeve, this pipe wasn’t coming off his penis of its own volition… or his. Looks like a trip to the emergency room was in order.
So this 40-ish-year-old man hobbles into the ER, sporting a shiny new accessory attached to his nether regions. Naturally, the nurses just blink and, in a bored tone of voice, direct him to a waiting area. Because ER nurses see weird shit like this all the time. Southampton man is, by all accounts (and expectedly), “quite concerned and anxious.”
After trying all the usual routes to free the man’s penis, doctors were forced to call in the big guns. So, in come the Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service. Not just one or two, but seven firefighters show up to handle the delicate situation.
And they show up with a fucking angle grinder.
For those of you who don’t know, this beastie is an angle grinder:
And this, in case you’ve forgotten, is a human penis. Note the squishy, fleshy nature of it:
‘Sup?
And this is an angle grinder injury, to another fleshy, squishy bit of the human body:
Frankly, I would not be too keen on allowing something that can do that anywhere near my junk. No wonder they needed 7 firemen to take care of the job- 6 were required to hold the Southampton man down as he flailed and gibbered and tried anything to get away from the death machine coming toward his cock.
Said cock did not suffer any grievous injury, however, despite the obvious fears and the also important but less readily apparent issue of things getting too hot during the cutting. The anesthetized penis was free after 30 minutes of cutting, suffering nothing more than some bruising and swelling after the whole ordeal.
And while this whole incident seem worthy of the highest honors in the Darwin Awards… it’s not the first time something like this has happened in Southampton. Watch manager Greg Garrett from the Redbridge fire station told the Southampton daily Echo: “I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.”
Three or four times? Really? Good times.
This is probably why I’m not allowed to have a penis. I would be stupid enough to do something like this.
***
And now, we’ll reverse positions. Instead of having a man penetrating an object, we’ll have an object penetrating a man.
While Stumbling, I came across the delightfully named post, “Anal Penetrating Chair Kills Teen.” Now I ask you… could you resist reading that?
So here’s what supposedly happened:
Over in China, a 14-year-old was killed when the computer chair he was sitting on fucking exploded, propelling shrapnel up into his ass, causing extensive, fatal bleeding. Though the boy was alone when the chair violated him, he managed to make a phone call through the haze of pain. Not to a hospital, but to his father. What was he going to say? “I love you, daddy, and I’m sorry I was going through your porn stash again. Guess I got my comeuppance, eh?”
The father had the presence of mind to call the fucking hospital, but it took an hour to get the kid to the hospital, and he died en route.
The murderous, rapist chair was actually your average, everyday pneumatic desk chair. Highly pressurized gas is stored in a cylinder on the back of the chair, and you use this device to raise and lower the height of the chair.
*cue 'Jaws' theme*
So… how did this perfectly ordinary chair suddenly become an exploding death device?
“Allegedly, energy created by the seat cushion caused the explosion.”
…What? No, seriously, what does that mean? What kind of energy was created by the seat cushion? Are we talking friction, maybe? Thermonuclear energy? This is not an explanation, dammit. And, despite my best efforts, I was unable to find anything that elaborated further on the seat cushion energy question.
There were more adequate explanations given, however. Non-nitrogenous gases contaminated the cylinder of the chair. Or the cylinder might not have been airtight. Or it might have been crafted out of faulty materials. Whatever the reason, the end result was still an ass-raping deathsplosion.
But again, this was not the first time such an incident had occurred. In fact, three other incidents were reported within the same month alone. You’d think the manufacturers of these chairs would, oh, I don’t know, fix this problem. Maybe. But apparently, a few asses are the price one pays for profit.
And you thought office jobs were cushy, that your greatest risk of injury was burning your mouth on your coffee or getting a paper cut off a report. Now you know better.
The male obsession with their penis size is rather baffling to the majority of the female sex. Mostly because the idea of bigger being better is not necessarily based in truth.
Therefore, I think it’s a topic we should address here, my galleons. Let’s peel away the bullshit to uncover the truth about size and it’s impact on your sex life.
***
A 2006 study by David A. Frederick found that only 55% of men were happy with their packages.
Which is baffling, considering a reported 85% of women in this same study were perfectly satisfied with their partner’s size.
So, instead of confident, creative lovers, we are facing an onslaught of insecure men worried more about their size than their skill. We are also burdened with an influx of erectile enhancement ads on the television and interwebs and spamming our goddamn inboxes (seriously, I don’t even have a dick). And it’s all total bullshit.
The fact of the matter is, the only real benefit to having an enormous cock is that you have the potential to pursue a career in porn. When it comes to satisfying a woman, however, a giant dick can often be detrimental.
Just as there is no one size for a male penis, the size of female vaginas vary depending upon the woman. In fact, perhaps this is where we should start:
Vaginas.
In its resting state, the walls of the vagina actually connect with each other, allowing it to close around whatever is inserted in, regardless of size. So, if you were ever wondering just how a woman could insert a little tampon up in there and have the fucking thing stay… well, now you know. But what’s really amazing about the vagina is its elasticity. That same little sheath can expand to squeeze out a little hellspawn to ruin your life. Amazing, no?
In all seriousness, the very fact that the vagina is just so damn stretchy means that it can adapt itself to fit any size penis. Because of this nifty little ability, researchers like William Masters and Virginia E. Johnson have concluded that penis size cannot have a true physiological effect on female sexual satisfaction.
And to highlight how pointless this masochistic obsession with size really is, let’s take into account the fact that an increase in penis size has pretty much zero effect on female satisfaction. Why is that? Well, when you take into account the fact that 3/4 of all women cannot even achieve orgasm through penetration alone, you start to see why size really isn’t everything. You see, 75% of men always have an orgasm during intercourse… while only 28.6% of women do.
Maybe men need to spend less time worrying about their size and more time brushing up on their technique, eh? Things like clitoral and vulval stimulation are way more important than the size of your member, boys. Remember, sexual skill depends more on what’s between the ears than the legs.
***
You boys are still concerned, aren’t you? Let’s look at a few more interesting facts.
The average vagina in a non-aroused state is roughly three inches long. When aroused, the vagina only extends to a length of four inches. It is quite possible for the vagina to stretch much longer (it can actually lengthen an additional 150 to 200 percent) if something is introduced into it gradually, but the fact remains that even a below-average penis will fill a woman completely.
So, there we go: the average penis. What is that, anyway? Here’s where I’m sure you boys are all biting your nails, wondering just how you measure up. Calm the fuck down- this is exactly the problem I’m trying to stomp into the ground today.
There’s something super interesting about penises that most people don’t know. See, the size of flaccid penises do vary from man to man. But, the vast majority of erect penises end up being roughly the same size (about 6-7 inches). See, the little guys have a built-in compensating system. A man with a non-erect penis on the smaller side will achieve a nearly 100% increase in size when aroused, whereas a man with a non-erect larger organ will achieve a smaller increase in size.
I’m sure there’s a shower/grower joke hidden in there somewhere, but whatever. Show or grow, it all ends up evening out for the most part.
So stop worrying, dammit.
***
And if you are still concerned… well, first I’m going to smack your face off of your face. Then, I’m going to remind you of a little trick of perspective known as “foreshortening.”
Do you remember this from art class? Well, if you don’t, let me remind you. Foreshortening is simply a distortion caused by perspective- the object appears compressed when seen from a particular viewpoint.
And what does this have to do with your penis, you wonder?
Well, think about it. When you are looking down at your penis, you are looking at it from an odd perspective. The angle with which you view your own equipment actually causes foreshortening. Therefore, you almost always have a skewed view of the size of your own package. And since we’re all only human, I’m certain you lot sneak a peek at other men when given the chance. And if you constantly compare your foreshortened view to the unforeshortened view you’re getting of the penises of other men, is it any wonder that you develop a damn complex?
***
I can’t make you stop worrying about your damn dick size. I know that. I just want to present you men with the facts- that all your concern is misplaced. I’ll never forget the night I spent nearly ten minutes listening to a guy I was really attracted to go on and on about how small he was. I didn’t give a flying fuck, and the more he talked, the more I just wanted to shove my goddamn tongue in his mouth and shut him up. I’d show his dumb ass just how little that whole “size” issue mattered.
Because not only is it more about skill in the bedroom anyway (and I’m almost certain that particular gentleman would be a goddamn master at cunnilingus), but your dick is not the sole reason I want to fuck you. You rarely get a really good view of a dude’s package before you sleep with him, as most men don’t wear pants that tight (except those damn hipsters, and they aren’t getting anywhere near my lady bits). No, it’s not your cock that makes me want to jump you. There are tons of other ways you make yourself attractive to me. And that doesn’t change once you drop trou.
Unless you’ve got some kind of freaky disease, because dude, there’s no way I’m touching that.
Epistula Rasa 
