Insert Joystick Joke Here

We gamers have spent many’a year attempting to break the stereotype of a gamer as a a pale fat dude in his parent’s basement, wearing a headset and corpse camping 13-year-olds until 3 a.m., after which he turns on some tentacular hentai and masturbates furiously while sobbing and snotting in the dark, giving himself a classic case of Cheeto dick.

I mean, some of us don’t even have dicks. Come on, people.

I kid, I kid. But, while it becomes ever more evident that gamers are a diverse collection of individuals, that stereotype of the lonely, sex-starved basement dweller remains.

And Japan is totally not helping.

A few years ago, a Japanese company released the SOM, which seems fairly innocuous when you first see it:

Kind of reminiscent of a microscope in shape/design, this thing does not do science. I cannot stress that enough. This is not a science device.

It’s a wank machine.

And not just a wank machine. Oh no. It’s a video game wank machine. Bundled together with a game named Cross Days, the SOM is supposed to introduce ‘next-gen reality’ to their naughty video game. The machine apparently moves in real time to corresponding onscreen movements at certain points in the game. Essentially, as you fuck something onscreen, the machine fucks you.

But wait, it gets better. Because if that setup looks just a little too… clinical for your masturbatory needs, never fear. The good folks who created the SOM can give you a hand… literally:

Because who hasn’t wanted a creepy doll-hand-fused-to-cylinder gently caressing their dong?

And ladies, the creators of the SOM want you to know that you are valued customers as well. This isn’t just for the gents. There’s a SOM attachment that will piston your lady bits to pleasureville as well:

But Japan wasn’t content with this monstrosity. Oh no. Why make the dick secondary here? Why not let the dick control the entertainment?

Presenting the Ju-C Air, the dick powered controller:

The Ju-C Air (the name makes me giggle every. damn. time) seems to function in a similar fashion to LovePalz (which we’ve covered before), but instead of pleasuring your partner, you’re pleasuring… a digital anime maid. See, the Ju-C Air is bundled with Custom Maid 3D, a game in which you, the “hero”, are told by your estranged grandfather that he’s willing to turn over the reins to his gentleman’s club to you… if you meet certain requirements. You have to join the club as a member, make nice with (which I assume means “make sex with”) the maids in the club, and train up your own maid to service you and the other customers.

…I found a gameplay video with English translations, okay? I was curious.

So, you build your very own maid from, at least what I could see, a truly impressive array of options in terms of appearance and clothing. And you get to set up each sexual encounter with your maid, choosing what services she performs for you. For the record, one of the tabs on this selection screen was marked Perverts, and I find I’m curious what hentai game makers consider perverted. Where’s the line for them?

Now, this is as much as I could really glean from the video, because then the English translation went away and everything was censored, so I went over to their main page. Which, of course, is in Japanese, but I’m gonna guess from the pictures as the bottom that you can special order a pirate lass as well. I’m not sure if that means you expand your gentleman’s club and add on a naught nautical option, or if some down-on-her-luck former ship captain (who can no longer pillage and plunder due to an economic downturn and an inability to afford ship repairs caused her to sell the junker for salvage) wanders in to your club and offers up her salty young booty to your gentlemen customers, but either way, pirate wench.

Now, what nobody’s telling me is whether your dick also controls the cursor I saw moving around on the videos. Dicktwitch, the cursor’s up here, then dicktwitch, the cursor’s down there. Because if so, there are going to be some guys out there who learn some finite fucking dick control, let me tell you.

In Which Getting Buzzed at the Bar Gains a Whole New Meaning in Japan

Oh, my sweet galleons. I’m sure you are all aware of many of the… peculiarities of the Japanese sex industry. Hell, we’ve even touched on a few here. But only a few, because that shit gets weird fast.

Like the new bar that just opened up in Tokyo- Love Joule. On first approach, it’s just a nondescript establishment in the bustling Japanese city:

Meander inside the innocuous looking building, however, and you are greeted by a bar quite unlike your typical urban watering hole:

Love Joule is Japan’s first bar dedicated to female masturbation. Which is a strange bar theme, but hey, you can only go to so many faux cowboy saloons and skanky dance joints before you are looking for something new.

Of course, the question is: how exactly can a bar claim it’s all about lady wanking? I mean, is it a place for women to masturbate? Do you order a vibe and perch precariously on a barstool, buzzing your way to a public orgasm?

I mean, I guess that would explain the name- all that sexy electricity is bound to produce a few love Joules.

Sadly, the bar doesn’t actually seem to be too keen on ladies actually getting freaky with a dildo on their dance floor. Instead, it’s meant to be a fun, safe place for women to discuss sex and relationships. And when I say safe, I mean safe from single dudes coming up to the women and hitting on them (which, you know, is a bad thing… we’re dedicated to masturbation here, dammit, not sex), seeing as single males aren’t allowed in. Coupled guys are, however, provided they show up with their lady.

Because the best place to have “the relationship talk” is in a girly bar surrounded by fucksticks as big as your arm, designed to penetrate a lady in both orifices while massaging her innards with a soothing collection of old pinball balls.

The bar hopes to help eradicate the stigma surrounding female masturbation in a manner that is lighthearted while still fostering a haven for women to have serious, playful, and exploratory conversations about sex and men.

As far as I’m aware, the silicone joy wands lining the wall behind the bar aren’t for use in the bar proper, but can be purchased by ladies on their way home to test out their new knowledge on their knickered bits.

Or, possibly, they’re used to stir the cocktails. I’m really not sure.

Interestingly enough, the proprietor of Love Joule is none other than Megumi Nakagawa, the man who introduced the male masturbatory community to the Tenga eggs.

I guess he’s found his path in life. A solitary path.

Somehow, I Don’t Think That’s What the Build-a-Bear Folks Meant When They Said Their Toys Are “Stuffed With Love”

Galleons, we did a post a while back that featured this abomination of a homemade sex… toy:

And while I remain mildly disturbed by a woman copulating with a teddy bear, what you do behind your own closed doors (with or without the teddy bear’s consent) is fine. I’d say I won’t judge, but I’m a judgmental twat, so…

However, some people are taking their stuffed ursine lovin’ to the streets. Namely, to the streets of Cinncinati. And when I say people, I really just mean one bloke. Charles Marshall. Seems this fellow got himself arrested last Wednesday after he was caught making sweet love to a teddy bear in the alley behind a health clinic, hauled in on charges of disorderly conduct.

The fate of the poor plush victim remains unknown.

Things get interesting when we learn that this isn’t the first time Marshall has found himself in this situation. Turns out, the man’s been arrestedfour times in the last two years for being found, somewhere, beating the meat with a toy bear.

The first time found him with his pants down in a men’s bathroom at a city library, after which a judge told him to stay the fuck away from libraries. Probably worried the Berenstain Bears series was like porn to the guy.

The fuck?

A few months later, Charles was back in action, once again being caught with his trousers down and a teddy out. The arresting officer noted that Mr. Marshall’s predilections had becoming an “ongoing problem.”

Almost a year passed and everyone was probably starting to breathe a collective sigh of relief. It’s okay to go outside again, children… Oh wait, no. It’s not. Because there’s Charles Marshall, taking Mr. Fuzzles and having his way with your beloved bear. Once again, Charles is hauled in on charges of public indecency for engaging in plushie masturbation in a public area where “minors were likely to be present.”

Now, it’s happened again.

WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?

…I just gotta know one thing: Has he been monogamous the past two years, or has it been a different bear every time? Is the bear special, or are these just a series of one-night stands in dirty alleys and public restrooms?

Charles, here’s what you do. You go to a furry convention. You mingle a bit, have a few drinks. You find yourself a nice little bear. Chat them up.  Take them home. And you stop giving the Cinncinati police nightmares of your wang in the furry embrace of a child’s toy, okay?

The Man With the Smallest Penis in Existence and the Electron Microscope Technician Who Loved Him

The Do-It-Yourself Guide to Doing “It” Yourself

Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom

~Coin-Operated Boy The Dresden Dolls

Galleons, with a recession-driven money shortage hanging over our heads, it’s really no wonder that people are turning toward making their own products whenever possible. And while the kitschy “DIY” gift ideas and home decorating solutions often make me want to retch all over the middle-aged women and indie twats leading the DIY charge, there are also some delightfully ingenius ideas.

This post is a love letter to the ingenuity of the fiscally downtrodden, sexually voracious masses.

***

Do-it-yourself sex toys.

Our story begins a few days ago, when I received a link to this website. After perusing the site’s contents and giggling like a 12-year-old boy peeking into the basement where his 16-year-old sister is having a sleepover with her friends, I started thinking. This site cannot be alone in sharing with the world of the interweb the ins-and-outs of making your own masturbatory aids.

And so began my journey through the poorly designed websites (DIY ingenuity only extends so far, I guess), where I found… well, let me share.

To preface this, there are tons of homemade sex toys for couples, but I’m focusing my attention solely on those meant for solo flights. Because, let’s face it, if you don’t have someone, you need the toys more than the damn couple does.

For the Ladies

Actually, there aren’t a lot of DIY masturbatory aids for the women folk. Which isn’t all that surprising, seeing as all it takes is a vaguely phallic found object for a lady to get down and dirty for cheap. Vegetables. Hairbrushes. Electric toothbrushes. Kitchen utensils. Screwdrivers. Or you can just hump a beach ball (that was an actual suggestion on a site… I fail to see how that one is worth your time).

But, I did manage to dig up a few. Like the ice dildo:

To make this chilling creation, fill a condom with water and put it in the freezer. Wait for that phase change and BAM! A popsicle for your pussy.

And, unlike those pesky store bought dildos that can be inconveniently discovered by a visiting friend or elderly, religious relative, the ice cock will just melt away, leaving no trace of its existence behind.

That’s really it in terms of making your own dildo (unless you can whittle… or blow glass… or something). But hell, I found plenty of things you can strap one to for a good time. Pumpkins. Mattresses. Teeter totters (for the kids). Mechanical bulls.

…Teddy bears:

Bringing a new meaning to “raping your childhood.”

The most complex of these, however, has to be the bedcycle:

Wee!

If you’re feeling particularly handy, rip a bicycle apart and try to craft some version of that bad boy. Get off and get in shape? Sounds like a plan.

For the Gents

The guys, unlike the ladies, are much more inventive in their quest for a homemade masturbatory tool.

Now, the fleshlight is the primary male sex aid sold in stores. So, of course, many an intrepid bastard has set out to make his own pocket pussy. And, while not necessarily pocket-sized, the chronically horny and mildly creative have come up with a few variations on the same theme.

The basic components vary. Latex gloves, trash bags, or condoms fitted within a tightly rolled towel or bit of foam or sheet of bubble wrap, which is sometimes stuffed into a jar or toilet paper tube or potato chip can. For further details, please consult this gem of a video.

But for some, it’s not just about having a place to stick your prick. Some men want more. More stimulation. More thrill. A chance to do things to themselves they only wish they had the flexibility to do without aid.

And that’s why the auto-fellatio device came into being. Basically, find a piece of PVC pipe (not one with too small an opening, however, or you might end up like this guy), lube the crap out of the inside, slip one end on your junk, put the other to your lips, and proceed to pump and suck to your little heart’s content:

For the strangest variation on that, stuff some of those soft plastic squeeze toys for dogs into a rubber glove. While that doesn’t really look like something I’d stick my hypothetical dick in, hey, whatever floats your boat, folks. The demonstration video for this one is rather disturbing… with those marching band gloves and lack of music or narration, I can’t tell if I’m watching a how-to video for a sex toy, a magic trick, or a serial murder:

But ladies aren’t the only ones who can use found objects for their pleasure. From the seat cushions of a couch to a hole cut in a pumpkin (I’m sure the squishy innards are very… uh… interesting), there are plenty of things out there for blokes to hump.

However, all of these things pale in comparison to the greatest, most terrifying homemade device of all. Behold, the electric cheese grater cum masturbator:

<insert dick cheese joke here>

***

Of course, there are plenty of drawbacks to DIY sex toys (beyond the fear of cock grating). Store-bought sex toys are made from hypoallergenic materials. Remember, the skin inside the vagina and anus absorbs substances quickly. You can have a serious reaction fast to an object inserted into the body if it’s covered in an irritant or allergen. Fruits and vegetables can have pesticide residue on them. Wood can be covered in laminates. Many people have latex allergies they aren’t aware of.

Another thing to remember is the skin of the genitals is extremely sensitive. Which means its easy to chafe, pinch, and rub raw.

But the most important rule of all when dealing with homemade sex toys is this: don’t get that shit stuck up/to your business. Seriously. This is one of the most common situations medical professionals face when working in an ER. Don’t believe me? Go here. It’s a list of foreign objects recovered from the rectums of patients.

REMEMBER: AVOID THE VACUUM SEAL.

***

Okay, so this post was a lot of mockery and incredulousness.

I am not good at writing love letters.

***

As an amusing (and vaguely horrifying) sidebar, when I was writing the bit about the teddy bear with a strap-on, I wandered over to Facebook for a moment.

Where I was shown an ad promoting “Build-a-Bear.”

Damn you, Facebook. You’re good.

Wine, Women, and Song

Song of the moment: Cigarette Pack Dan Black

Wine is sunlight held together by water. ~Galileo

Galleons, it’s been well over a month (probably closer to two) since I’ve been even mildly intoxicated. Right now, I’m typing to you in a state of hazy, pleasant drunkenness. And damn, does it feel good. Oh, how I’ve missed this.

I have a bottle of decent merlot, and it’s treating me right. Therefore… tonight, we’re going to talk about wine! Aren’t you excited?

I am, but that may be the alcohol talking.

***

So, I’ve developed a taste for wine in the last year. But that doesn’t, by any means, make me even remotely qualified to judge wines. I know next to nothing about them. I can recognize an oak flavor only because I’m very familiar with whiskey (particularly my dear Scotch), but that’s the extent of my palate. I can determine what I enjoy and what I don’t, but I don’t really know the jargon associated with wine.

Yeah, I’m a wine n00b.

Deal with it.

I’m a red wine girl. Reds are richer, darker, and ultimately tastier to me. Pinks are okay, and whites are pretty awful across the board. Sorry. It is what it is (second time I’ve used that phrase tonight… odd).

But red wines are supposedly amazing for you (in moderation, of course). Especially if you are a woman (so, huzzah for my genes?). Drinking red wine can, apparently, lower your long-term weight gain and (more importantly, in my book) increase your sex drive. Woo!

Man, this merlot is great. Heh.

***

My favorite type of wine is actually a tempranillo. No, I don’t know what distinguishes it from a merlot or a cabaret sauvignon. Again, sorry.

All I know is, in December of last year, I went out with a few girls I knew to Beggar’s Banquet, a restaurant/bar in EL. We went on Wednesday, when they happen to have a wine special. It was there that I tasted the most delicious wine I’ve had the pleasure of imbibing. It was a tempranillo, and I believe it was the Opera Prima, though the bottle I purchased of it later didn’t quite live up to the original. Though I suppose I could have had a different vintage…

Wine vintage irritates me. I know why different vintages taste different. But hell, it’s hard enough to find a type/winery match I enjoy. And then I have to worry about the goddamn vintage?! It makes it really difficult for me to purchase something I like more than once. Which is a goddamn travesty.

***

Have you ever seen Gary Vaynerchuk’s video blog, galleons? He’s a pretty entertaining wine blogger (though, unfortunately, a Jets fan), but his greatest moments, in my opinion, came when he went on Conan’s show. He was on there twice, and both times slay me (oh Conan, you comic genius, you).

Watch him on Conan here.

***

Anyway, I’m done with this now. And I’m also done with this bottle of wine. I suppose we all know what that means.

Time for me to… take care of business.

I’m concerned that my masturbatory fantasies are getting a bit dull. Or, at the very least, a bit odd. I need some real spark there. It’s not the players that are the problem (trust me, they’re still working for me… mostly, he’s still working for me), it’s the situations. Any suggestions to help me out?